Husband Lying

Hi Jennia,
I have been married 8 yrs now and one thing I've learned is not to say something we will not do. Are you really wanting to leave him? As a wife you need to help in everyway you can. If this particular problem is too much for you then do what you think is best!

Good luck,
Elisa

I know its not an easy thing to deal with at times... when my daughters father and I were together he did not drink - but years before when we dated - he was pretty much a daily drunk. So, when we split up after my daugters birth - we still remained good friends - he would stop by and I could just smell the beer on him.... Here we are now - trying to work things out years after we split and its a change for me to allow him to drink - within reason... because I dont believe in having the temptation in the house or around my daughter.... Reason being - he is who he is and I have no right to ask him to change -

I guess what I am trying to say is - if his drinking is a new issues and he didnt drink before - find out the reason behind him having the need for it now.... there could be an underlying issue... If he did drink - then that is something you need to accept as part of him - we as individuals do not have the right to ask someone else to change for us. We are suppose to love each other for who we are not who we want each other to be...

Good luck...

Jennia, I am there right now...from Alcohol to prescription drugs...to taking money out of childs bank acount. I don't know what to do...I hate to just give up because I have 2 young children. But I am no happy....He gets really huffy when I try to talk to him at all...I don't know....wish I could give you advice but all I can say is that I know how you feel.

Well Jennia, I completely understand what you are feeling. I have been through what you are going through. What has helped me get thru this has been Al- Anon. The first thing that I had to come to terms with is that you are only capable of changing yourself, no one else. No, that is not all that I learned, but for me, this was key. I can not express enough how much peace will come to you once you join a group. They will not tell you what you have to do, they will not judge you for any actions you take, but they will be there to support you through your times of need. You will be able to clear your mind and focus on what you want and need in your relationship and how to get closer to that idea. I really can't say enough on how much this group makes a difference...but I will point out that it takes time...nothing is overnight, but it is well worth it. My prayers are with you. E.

Jennia, lying is a very serious issue which could create a trust issue over other things in the future. I would say this is the first item to deal with even before the drinking.

Regarding the drinking...Drinking is not always a bad thing. If your husband is drinking to the point of drunkeness or if he is abusive (physically, verbally or emotionally), RUN! But...if he is just having a few drinks to wind down, then that isn't a bad thing. My husband drinks every weekend; it's his way of unwinding and letting go of the week. If he goes to a friend's house, he will drink, but he will not get drunk. If he has too much to drink, someone brings him home and we go get his truck the next day. Drinking may not be the issue, maybe it's about being responsibile while drinking and knowing his limits.

Oh, I also agree with some of the other responses regarding "Never say anything unless you are prepared to do it". If you say you are going to leave and then don't; you have just enabled him to continue with the behavior you disagree with. It's like a child, too many idol threats and the child no longer takes you seriously. I wish you the best of luck!

Yikes. I don't have any experience w/ this but do know you need to do something.For yourself. You may not be able to help him- he has to do that. Have you tried calling Al Anon? I believe they are very good at dealing w/ living w/ an alcoholic. (which is what someone who lies about how much they are drinking probably is....)
http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

You can also call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday thru Friday, 8 am – 6 pm ET. for meeting information in Canada and the US.
GOOD LUCK.

Hi Jennia,

If I were you, I would go to al-anon meetings. That would be a great start, and a wonderful source of information. You could also see a professional counselor on your own. You cannot change your husband, but you can change how you handle him.

Bless you, and Good luck! jenifer

I wouldnt threaten him anymore. He knows that is an option for you and its only putting more pressure on him. If you want to see him healthy again and have a happy marriage then stick threw these hard times. Once you make up your mind on if your going to stay or go. Then either go or remember that divorce isnt an option at all. And you will HAVE to work it out. It will be hard and lots of counceling and lots of pleas with God. But if he is willing and you are too then after all the struggle your about to go threw you will both be stronger for it all. I would think about putting a time limit on his recovery. I know thats kind of out there but if he is still at the same place after a year with no improvement ( i dont mean hes over it I mean he is still at the same exact place your at today) then I would start to think about your next move for the saftey of the kids. That year might need to be three or so. I just dont think your should look up 20 yrs from now and see that he is still in the same place he is today. Day by day lots of prayers and help him like you would hope he would help you if it was you with this problem. God bless your marriage. BTW i am divorced once and now remarried. the first hubby was a drug abuser and verbaily abusive and began to become physicaly abusive and refused to get anykind of help. If I had not left I would be dead today, no doubt about it. My husband now decided he wanted to quit drinking. He has improved over the last two months he only drinks on the weekends and rarely durring the week.He is doing it for his health. Good luck.

My father was a alcoholic, which claimed his life in 2002. It was very h*** o* the entire family. I will tell you this alcohol is a drug like any other. It has control over them. They will not change for you they have to want to do it for themselves. Getting counseling for yourself is a great step, but it is not you with the problem ultimately he must fight the battle. It is very hard as a child to witness what my mother endured. I too will be forever changed as a product of an alcoholic father. I have learned so much since my dads passing, and want you to know you are not alone. So many families deal with the same thing you are. Best of luck, and may your husband find the strength to heal and get well.

Jennia, you have a big problem on your hands. I hope you
don't have children. My thinking is once a liar always
a liar. You'll never be able to trust the guy. If he's
lying about drinking, there's no telling what else he's lying about. It sounds like he's an alcoholic. You can't fix
him. Cut your losses and go find a guy you can trust and
depend on. Good luck!

I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're right to be worried about your daughter. If I'm reading between the lines, his drinking is not just a problem, but "generally nice" man could be that he's being mentally abusive to you. At the very least he's not respecting you. Your daughter needs you to remember the famous quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." You mention that his drinking has been bothering you for a year, which probably means the stress from providing for you and your daughter is really getting to him.
Having been in this situation myself, I hope you'll consider asking him to get counseling. In a calm moment, let him know that you love him, but you don't love what the drinking does to him. This is not a conversation you can have while he is drinking. I waited too long and it just got worse. When the situation hit rock bottom my children were older and it affected them deeply. If he won't get counseling, you should. I don't believe everyone has to be an alcoholic before they can get help. Sometimes it's just that they cannot handle stress, and use the alcohol. We all received private counseling (he was actually hypnotized to stop the drinking and it worked - he also took an anger management seminar) If private counseling is not an option for you, I would go to ALANON. Five years after rock bottom we are very happy together, so it can get better, but it takes a lot of work on both sides.
If he refuses, be prepared to follow through on your statements. (Start preparing an exit strategy and emergency fund.) Whatever happens, be strong, be brave, and know that one day your daughter will thank you for making a decision that while painful will save her a lot of emotional pain. I will have you in my thoughts.

Leaving is not the answer and the threat more than likly does not bother him if he wants to drink. Find a al-a-non meeting and start attending their meetings. The man your marries to is a generally nice guy--you say. Not many of those out there and you now have a daughter to raise. She needs both parents in the same house. DIVORCE is NOT the answer for your child. Lying is not good and church may be your answer--start going alone or together but start going. GOD is the answer ALWAYS! Let him know that CPS will take your child if they find him drinking and driving--it is called CHILD ENDANGERMENT-- they mean business. Drinking and driving is not good in the first place but so many do it and never get caught--but with your child that is different. What if she would have been killed by his drinking--neither of you could live with that. GO TO AL-A-NON it is for those family members of drinkers--It is how to deal with the drinking and what to do about it with you and your family.

Get help for yourself....... He may have the drinking problem but he won't care. Al Anon is the best thing that every happen to me. Look them up, it is free, it will work wonders, It works, if you work it.

Hi Jennia,,
i was married to 1 of those once the best thing is to just ger it over with now and leave him,i promise he will not change,sorry it's just 1 of those things he's got a problem and he'll make it yours dont let him ,just get it over with so sorry sweety love can't change and heal all things and this is one of them

good luck L.

You and your husband both need AA. Let your family and friends know of this problem and see what they see and know, also. This can get really bad.

Good morning Jennia,

Lying is a serious issue and 'potential' deal breaker for any type of relationship. Does he know that you know that he's lying? If so, ask him why he feels like he has to lie to you. Then the two of you discuss 'that'. If he denies, that he is lying...then you must be absolutely sure about it before you respond to it...however you're going to respond. Remember that you must always love yourself enough to not let anyone mishandle, mistreat, or devalue you. Whatever you do...love you first!

The best thing you can do for yourself and for a possible respectful future with this man is to keep your word. It may be very, very, hard but don't threaten him anymore....make it real for him. You may have to leave him to really make a difference. Also, in the meantime call on God to help your situation. He is there for you always!

My husband is an alcoholic. I didn't realise for a long time because I didn't have alcoholic people around me when I grew up. If he is alcoholic, he has to start AA right now. This is a very serious thing. You can't live with an alcoholic person. If you try to deal with alcoholic, you wil fail. Nobody, nothing can help him except for super power...God. That is all about AA program. Luckily your marriage is very short. Start right now. This is a disease. Many women are suffering from alcoholic husbands. Life is short. If he doesn't try, don't waste of your life.

Evening Jennia;
First of all>>Drinking is a sickness, just like the flu!

There is a non-drinkers club on San Pedro, that has Alanon
meetings just for ladies like you!
It's at the corner of Thames and San Pedro!
If your in San Antonio>>>if you somewhere eles, try to find
AA meeting place!
B. C

Please consider attending an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It can't hurt and might help. Meetings are free and confidential, and you will be able to connect with people in the same or similar situations who share your feelings and frustrations.

http://www.al-anon.org/

Good luck.

Why do you want him to stop drinking? My husband and I had a similar argument the other week. We're supposed to stop eating out. Well, I told my hubby that he always breaks his promises and he told me that I ask him to promise stuff we both know he'll break. <--for us, it's eating out. Maybe for you both its drinking. Personally I don't see a problem with having a drink or two every now and then. My father drinks A LOT! I don't agree with that or the fact that he and my mother have to go w/o other things b/c of all the money spent on beer.
Maybe your husband is lying to you b/c he knows if you find out you'll leave him. I could be way off on this, and there might be more reasons for him drinking. Maybe he just needs to relax. I told my hubby when we got together, that I didn't care if drank or smoked, but he couldn't dip. I just think it is the grossest thing. I won't go back on what I said, but I don't want him to smoke or drink excessively either.
Have you both just sat down and talked about it, asking why he drinks?

I have been and am going through the same thing. We have been married for 8 yrs. and my husband promised he would quit dipping when we had kids, well that worked for a while, then he has done it on and off for the past 7 years, mostly behind my back. In addition over the past year he has been drinking a lot and lying about it. I have threatened to leave and actually made sure that I pointed out I'm married b/c I want to be not b/c I have to be and told him to leave. He didn't leave and did it make any difference--no. Within a one month period he had come home 2x's so drunk he couldn't walk, the first time he ended up throwing up for hours afterwards, I'm thinking he had a stomach virus, but told him he got what he deserved. Did this help--not really only for about a week or two and then he did it again. The second time, he slept downstairs and he had to tell our girls what he had done. I'm not sure what he finally figured out but he has been sober for 3 weeks now and has been going to AA. He has done this on his own. I didn't push him to go to the meetings, to be honest, he needed to do it himself, if he was just doing it for me, I know it wouldn't work. And he has stopped lying. Which for me, like you, I can't put up with lying. I have accepted that he may not quit dipping, so now he doesn't lie about that. And since, he realized he had a problem with drinking, he's not lying about that either. His drinking had progressively gotten worse over the years and I think most of the time he wasn't "lying" about drinking, but just wasn't doing it where I could see it.
This is hard to deal with, and if you need to chat more, just e-mail me.
Good luck!

Hi Jennia
It's me again I forgot to add to my e-mail I sent you, that I often wonder, WHAT IF I had left him within the first 1-2 yrs of my first marriage when this all started, like your situation, I think of all the happy memories I would have now that I am in my Golden Years, if I only would have made the choice to end it. You are very wise to recognize you are in a situation that has to end or else. Do it for yourself.......
Sincerely, N.

jENNIA.I think your husband needs help from an advisor,talk to him, maybe you can ask him, how you can help him with that.
You can talk to someone that you trust for more help.

I've divorced 2 men for the same reason.

Consider that he might be an alcoholic & needs help to quit. Remember that it is a disease just like cancer, MS... Treat it as such.

Start with AA but get him some help, stand behind him when he's trying & understand when he falls of the wagon.

Until the point of no return... Then go live your life elsewhere & without the pain that comes along with it.

Jennia,
I am speaking from personal experience - the only person you can change is yourself. So don’t think that your love will change him. You can't force him to do anything. You need to put yourself and your baby first. You can tell him he needs to get into a program. If he is not willing to get the help he needs then you must get the help you need. Join a group like Al-Anon which will help you deal with this. At least you will have a clear head as you go through this process. If he is lying about the drinking – he is most likely lying about other things as well. My personal experience has been that when they have one addition, they usually have other addictions – like sex, drugs, or gambling (or all of the above). As his wife, you are responsible for any gambling debts or car accidents that are a result of his drunken actions. If he is also cheating on you, then you are possibly being exposed to sexual diseases. You say there is a baby, if you can’t get help for yourself then do it for the baby. Alcoholic parents have a profound effect on their children and the illness reverberates through the entire family. Don’t just cope – get help. There is help out there. Get going and Good Luck.
About me: Been married 3 times (twice to alcoholics-if you don't acknowledge you have a problem you repeat it) Have 4 daughters and 3 grandkids.

sounds like your hubby has a drinking problem. As his wife you can put him in detox..you need to decided how important this means to you. is it worth losing your marriage over? Maybe seek counseling. maybe he doesn't realize how it really makes you feel. Communication is key.

iF HE CAN'T DO IT ALONE , TELL HIM ya'll can go to AA ( alocholics anonomus) . It helped me and can help anyone if they are willing to go . Also u can go to alonon. Thanks G.

Jennia,
I grew up in an alcoholic home (both parents drank). Something tells me you don't have children yet, which is a good thing. Seriously consider the effects an alcoholic parent will have on your children. I can tell you from first hand experience that it is not a functional family life in any way, shape, or form.
I didn't really learn about the negativity of an alcoholic relationship until I was involved with an alcoholic (my first boyfriend). I was with him for 5 long years. After leaving him, I realized I could/would never get involved with an alcoholic again. Now I'm married to a man who has two alcoholic brothers and had an alcoholic dad. He was lucky not to get the gene. He and I are both social drinkers, which means we drink on the weekends and we are responsible (we don't drive when we're drinking and we always make sure if we go out that we have a designated driver to get us home safely).
At any rate, all I can tell you is eventually you will probably get burned out...you will just plain get tired of it all. You might find yourself just giving up and moving on because it hasn't done you any good to care. Alcoholics won't quit until they are ready.
I will say this. My husband wanted to marry me years before we actually did. I told him I wouldn't marry him until he quit smoking/dipping. Years went by and he realized I was serious because after a few years of waiting, I gave him an ultimatum and he realized that because I hadn't bugged/nagged him during those years, I was really serious when I gave the ultimatum. He finally quit nicotine altogether last November. I waited 6 months to make sure he was serious about quitting. The point is I waited for him to be ready to quit w/o nagging and then felt like I was done with all my waiting/patience. I had a clear conscience giving him that ultimatum, knowing I had done everything in my power to support him in his quitting.
I've rambled on and on so I'll stop now. Take good care of you.
-Jen

Dear Jenna,

If he is lying about drinking, he is lying about a lot more than that. You can't help him though. He either needs to get the help, and quit (unless he is only a social drinker) or you need to get out of that relationship for a while. Otherwise, you will be enabling him and ruining your life. My mother was an alcoholic and she was very sick. There are people out there who can help, but only if he is willing to change.

Hi Jennia
I think you do know what to do but you're afraid to do it. No-one else can give you direction in this area - it's down to you and how you want to carry out living the rest of your life. You stated pretty clearly to him WHAT you would do if he didn't stop and he didn't so where does that leave you? ...
Again - I don't think in something like this it's right for anyone to give you "advice" or tell you what to do. This decision is down to you and only you and it's not a decision to be taken lightly because it WILL affect the rest of your life. Deep down inside you know what you should do - you just need the courage to do it. Good luck.

Dear Jennia,

I am not a Psychologist; but, as I see it, you have two choices here, either have faith and help your husband to get his drinking under control, or move on to another life.

You say you have "threatened" to leave. Why a threat ? If you are not prepared to carry through with what you say, then, perhaps it is best not to say anything at all. Lay your cards out on the table. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you are prepared to do and to not do. Think it through clearly and thoroughly and maybe do some research into dependent personalities and what your options could be.

Could it be your man really has no idea how serious his alcohol is, and he truly does not know where to begin recovery ?

Since you did not give us details to work with, do you have children ? Is he drinking and driving with the kids in the car ? Does he blackout ? Are you certain that the information you received about the last year is totally true ? Are his binges occassionally or every day ?

Jennia, I am not taking up for him; but, is there any chance he would enter a counseling program ? Would you be willing to help him with that ? If there is hope and you love him truly, would you be willing to give him some time ? These serious questions need to be answered.

Jennia, I so totally understand. Addictive men almost never recover, no matter what the addiction, women, drugs, drinking, gambling; but, it has happened. It all hinges on how long and to what extent you and or your family can tolerate it and see a road to happiness.

My best to you. I am praying all can be resolved. You obviously are considering this very seriously, or you would not be asking here on the Mamasource. Peace be with you.

R.

I know about lying. My husband did it too - right to my face on several occasions. The only advice I can give you is seek counseling as a couple ( if he'll go ) and also for yourself. God bless you and your husband. I will pray for the both of you.

My husband used to do the exact same thing, I got us into marriage counseling and we split up for 2 weeks at our counselors suggestion. It made him realize i was serious about leaving if he didnt get his act together.

He hasnt lied in over 9 months now and we're doing great :D hope that helps

Hi Jennia,
Do you think he is an alcoholic? Is he lying for fear or is he in denial about his drinking? I was married to an alcoholic and have dated a few. I found Al-Anon really helpful. If he is not an alcoholic there is no harm done going to the odd meeting. You find that lying and alcoholism do go hand in hand. No one likes to confess to themself that they have an addiction. Don't worry about the lying for now just focus on if it is an addiction and maybe give someone in Al-Anon a call. I went for about 3 years to meetings and it helped me a lot. THere is no obligation.
Good luck.
W.

I have been in this situation myself.I have five children,the youngest which is my youngest babies father and my husband.He had a really bad drinking problem that caused so many problems for us.We would have really big fights everytime he drank,so he began to lie about it and try to hide it.One night he completely blew up and I decided I didnt want my kids to live like that,and I wouldnt live in fear of my husband,but after that night(I guess he scared himself as bad as me)he decided he better Quit drinking like that!So thats been 3 months ago and he decided to make the change for his family.I tried and begged and everything I could think of but the thing is you cant force someone to change,and it doesnt mean they dont love you,they just have to want to change.So if you think that he truly loves you enough to stop, then give him a chance but if it ever gets out of control you should probably step back from the relationship for you and more importantly your childs safety.

I would suggest that you seek counseling, Couples or by yourself. If he is lying about drinking, there is a problem. A marriage should be lived as an open book. There are no secrets of any kind. Just my opinion. Good luck. I wish you the best.

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. Just a short story that might help you or give you some perspective. My Aunt's husband started this about 5 years into their marriage right after the birth of their second child which he adamantly did not want to have. They'v been married 16 years now and he is a raging drunk and not a nice drunk at that, he is verbally abusive to her in front of the girls too. He doesn't even try to hide it anymore either. Their life has been hell, he can't keep a job, they've almost lost their house so many times... only were able to keep it b/c the rest of our family bailed them out. She and the kids sometimes eat nothing but tortillas and beans because he drinks and gambles away all their money. She is co-dependent and keeps telling herself that if she loves him enough he will stop drinking and gambling and turn his life around, but he never will, he has no incentive to. I watch him when they are down over the holidays, always a beer in his hand and the phone in the other talking to his bookie. Its sad, she suffers, the kids suffer, and in his own way he suffers too. I don't understand why she doesn't leave him, she and the girls would be better off both emotionally and financially, but she stays, and he keeps on doing what he's doing.

i'm not saying your husband will be this extreme, i'm just telling you what drinking and alcoholism have done to someone dear to me.