I have a 4 year old son and I have been married for 11 years( together for 18 years total). We own and operate our 4th generation family business with my brother, since the passing of my parents. I grew up with a father and mother whom were alcoholics. Both died in their early 50's. I swore my life would never be controlled by alcohol and that I wouldn't allow my children to grow up with an alcoholic. With that said, my husband is an alcoholic who now drinks nearly daily, I'm not just talking about having a couple of beers either. I love my husband dearly, but I hate the alcoholic he is. His personality changes completely... the biggest issue I have with him is that he speaks before he thinks. I have told my husband that his drinking is a problem numerous times and that I'm here to support his quitting. Most days he doesn't believe he has a problem, usually he'll admit he has a problem and needs help when he's very drunk. He's a good father, when sober, but there is much room for improvement. My son is very angry with his father. Says his father smells bad, talks funny when he drinks and that he wishes his dad would play more with him. Our marriage is lacking greatly in many areas, even when he's sober. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything anymore without him taking things the wrong way. I can't stand how he smells or acts when he's drinking. I've allowed our lives to revolve around him and his drinking and what he wants. I can't do it anymore! I'm working on finding me again. I am also looking out for my son's best interest. I will not have him go through what I did. I am in counseling, which my husband hates. My son recently started going to couseling as well. I'm considering seperation. Please advise.
I looked into Al-Anon the end of last week and found a meeting that's on Thursdays. I plan to attend this week. I read that you need to attend atleast 8 times and keep an open mind in order for them to truly help.
I'm glad you have decided to try Al-Anon. I have numerous friends who never thought they would get anything from it, but stuck it out and found it life-changing. My best to you.
You know what it's like to grow up with parents who are alcoholics , you said you would not let your child/dren go through what you did. Sounds to me like you already know what you need to do.
I have a friend who was going through a similar situation. She went through AlAnon and it helped her so much.
Take care of yourself and your son. Do not apologize for your actions. If you have to leave then that is what you have to do. YOu are no good to your son if you don't take care of YOU first and you are teaching him that this is what women will stand for in a man when you continue to let yourself be contolled by this situation.
You can do it.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and ended up marrying an alcoholic too--my husband did recently go to treatment and it is a long road to recovery.
I attend Alanon weekly and it is a GODSEND. --attend those meetings and you will find how to love the man that isn't the alcoholic and establish boundaries and detach with love when he is.
People who do not have experience with the 12-Step way of life think separation and divorce are imminent--but that is not true. The enabling behaviors that have developed in your life from your childhood until now will just follow you and keep popping up their ugly head. At some point you may come to a realization that you cannot stay with your husband if he continues to be an active drinker, but AlAnon will give you serious tools if you want to stay and enjoy the part of life that is good.
Please stay in counseling, especially for your son. I was only going to give AlAnon those first 6 times and now I realize how much it is ME that needs it.
Changed attitudes aid recovery: God Bless you and I will pray for you!
C. M
My parents owned their own business, drank too much and I swore I wouldn't marry an alcoholic. Thankfully, during my childhood we always had a steady income, enough to eat, clothes, no violence etc.... but we missed our father so much! In my case I married my father! I met and married a man with my fathers good qualities and overlooked the signs of alcoholism. As a child of an alcoholic, it's easy to miss the signs because "abnormal behavior" feels normal to you. Yikes!
We were married 9 years when I told my husband "you have a drinking problem." If you think I'm crazy, I'll go to the psychiatrist or psychologist of your choice. And they can tell me I'm crazy. Or, we can see any physician you choose and get their opinion. Personally, I think you an allergy to alcohol. I'll go with you to Doctors, AA whatever you want.
In closing I said, "you know I lived with alcoholic parents for 18 years and I'm not doing another 18 years." I won't raise our daughter like this." "It's your choice." "If you can't or won't stop drinking, I have to make plans for a better job and find a new home for me and the baby."
I'm lucky, he believed me and he stopped drinking. We've been married 36 years. I went to therapy to get my mind straight. I hoped I would learn a few "tricks" to use on my husband. Big surprise to me, I spent 7 years with the same therapist (I'm stubborn, that's why it too 7 years) and slowly repaired my own mental health. Therapy, is the best thing I ever did. Seek and find a Therapist, Alanon or whatever trained pro's to help you.
I don't advise using friends and relatives for important mental health and private issues. Our friends and family knew about therapy etc... would have been willing to hash out my problems. I decided they shouldn't have to deal with me "constantly" crashing in their door or ringing their phone off the hook with my latest wave of issues.
E., I am wishing you the best for you and your family.
Sincerely, A.
go for the seperation. I would fear that your son will turn out like dad.. and you don't want that to happen. Or he too will marry someone with a drinking problem.. get out soon. if your husband changes later on.. you can always go back.. but for now.. go for the seperation.. stay with counseling for both you and your son... Your husband has to want to change.. he has to get himself help.. and until then.. don't let him stay with you... like I said if he goes away to get help or goes to AA for a while and he shows you he can change then see .. but if not.. .... go for a better way of life for both you and your child. My husband drank for a while and I would get so mad.. he has changed.. and our lives and that of our kids is much better.. so good luck
I guess it's kind of like the serenity prayer often used in recovery programs.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The things you cannot change: whether, when, or how much your husband drinks, his desire for sobriety, his ability to stay sober once he gets sober, his words, choices, and consequences that happen as a result of his drinking.
The things you can change: whether your life is controlled by his drinking, whether you child's life is controlled by his father's drinking, whether you have peace in your home, whether or not you want to be the wife of an alcoholic, whether you son is exposed to alcoholism the way you were.
Sometimes, when we love someone who has an addiction, the line between loving and enabling gets really blurry. So does the line between walking away from a situation and giving up on a person. Those two things are not the same thing. You can love your husband, want what's best for him and best for you all as a family and still choose not to live in an environment that destroys all that you hold dear.
In my humble opinion, leaving wouldn't just be something that you did for you and your son, but could also be the thing you do for your husband that brings about a change in his life. Like another poster said, there is no reason to quit when he can have it all: the alcohol, the wife, the kids, the home.
I'll be praying for that serenity, courage and wisdom for you,
L.
E., I feel so bad for you. My mom was single and her boyfriends all drank and I was around that when I was young. At a very young age I decided I would NEVER drink nor would I ever be with someone who did. I'm 43 and have probably had 10 drinks my whole life. Neither my ex or my current husband drink, non of my boyfriends did. For obvious reasons you have stated, it's a deal breaker with me. There are non-drinkers who would make a wonderful husband and father. DO NOT waste any more time with this man. I wish you the very best!
E.,
You need to get out of that relationship, and he needs to get help. You can separate for now, and in the meantime you can watch and see what kind of help he is getting and if it's working. You really do not need to put your son in that situation, especially after you know what it's like.
If you see with time, he has changed and you still love him then you can get back together. But for now I would suggest you get a lawyer and find out what you need to do to legally get him out of the house.
Your child comes first! Just think about it this way...Do you want your child to be like his father? to grow up like his father? He is only four and he is in his developmental stage, what he sees is what he learns!
I will keep you in my prayers.
Blessings
