Husband Wanting to Have Sex While the Kids Are Up

I think it's a guy thing (they just don't think about the consequences if the children should "hear" what's going on). I won't be suckered into thinking that they won't know. Kids are sometimes smarter than we give them credit for.

Therefore, I have found that choosing a time in the middle of the night is not such a bad idea.

Try to find some compromise. I hope you can work it out.

Hi N.. Girl!!!!!! Give it to him while you can. You dont want to lose your husband. You know sex is important to them especially if they are still turned on by us after having children. You two should come to an agreement of when and what days is a good time. As far as the kids are concerned, there is a way of doing it without the kids knowing. Make beleive that you are having an argument or send the 13 yr old outside to play with the 7 yr old and let the baby play in her crib. Something can be worked out. My husband to be and I do it sometimes during the day on the weekends while his two boys are outside playing and our 3 yr old daughter is down stairs watching Dora. LOL
But try what you can. There is nothing wrong with being spontaneous either. Do it in the shower if you have to.
Hope you can work something out.

I don't think he is wrong the thing is that you have to feel confortable with that and your 4 months baby with your two other kids, if that situation make you feel confortable is fine but if you worry then what's the point?, try to be patien your baby is very little and you know that that happens.
Kisses and good luck
P.

I think that you should make sure your older kids are occupied and that the baby is in her crib where she will be safe and tell your husband to make it quick....it can be fun sometimes to do it that way. The longer "episodes" will have to wait depending on how happy the baby is by herself.....I don't think it is wrong of your husband. He just wants to be with you and sometimes when you have three children you have to be creative!

J.

Mom of three (5,4,2)

Not being in that situation, I am not sure that I can give you a helpful response. I will tell you what I feel when I read your post.
What kind of signals are you sending to your kids? You've got a 13 y.o. son that, whether you like it or not, is entering the world of sexual curiosity himself. Do you want to send the message that it's ok for him to babysit while you are having sex with your husband? I am not saying he knows, but he can't be far from guessing what is going on, especially if the door is locked. Let's face it, kids have radar at that age for this kind of stuff.
If for some reason the kids do need you and the 7y.o. comes and finds the door locked, what kind of reaction will that cause? My guess is that if you do take the time when he gets home to try to be intimate, it's got to be really frustrating to you both when you are interrupted. I think that you guys need to talk about both of your needs and what makes both of you comfortable or uncomfortable. If you are not happy with the locked door and the kids watching the 4 m.o., are you really going to enjoy the intimacy? Is your husband really enjoying himself? It can't be very relaxing knowing that the kids could interrupt at any moment. I think it's fine for kids, at some point, to know that their parents are intimate, but I also think it's important for we adults to make intimacy something that is still private and without stigma (i.e. we have to lock ourselves in our rooms to have sex)
I think your early a.m. idea is a good one - you getting up with him before he gets out of bed to get ready for work...on the flip side, he'll need to be flexible as well...he may need to wake up at 10pm some nights if he wants to have an intimate relationship. Really, I think it's all about communication and being flexible...like everything else in marriage!!! Good luck!

First of all, you are a FULL-TIME mom, regardless of whether or not you work outside the house! Just because we spend our days in the office doesn't mean we're not moms during those hours!

I think there's nothing wrong with telling the older kids that mom & dad need a little private time, provided that the baby is either napping or that your older kids are watching her. Yeah, your teen will probably figure out what you're doing, but he's probably got that figured out anyway!

You can always be "taking a nap" (ha, provided you don't "talk" too much in your sleep!), talking about "something important," or, as my friends used to tell their kids, "doing your taxes"!

Remember, your relationship with your husband is just as important as your kids, so enjoy yourselves and don't feel guilty!

Welllllll....
This is an option...be sure the 2 older children are occupied, games, tv, something and put the baby in your room ASLEEP in a bouncy seat or something facing away from the bed. That or put the baby in the crib and use the monitor....that's another reason they were meant to be used! :-)
All will work out. I know that right now, it's awkward to pick up in certain areas now that you have a baby...what did you do before the baby was born?
Good luck!

Know what...
I feel like you do, I don't like to have sex when the kids are up. I also never felt like having sex while I was still nursing (felt all touched out). Plus you are TIRED !! The important thing to me and hubby was that we BOTH felt like it, otherwise what's the fun ?? My parents were all too open about it and I think that puts me off to this day. And for all their sexual openess and putting hubby first etc...they are bitterly divorced today. It really is about meeting in the middle. I think hubby is sexiest when he is cool with it not being the right time and caring how I feel about it. It makes me want to find ways to spend time with him more. I am not afraid he will leave me or cheat on me. I love him and know he loves me too. If a man is going to be that way why would I invest time and love in him to start with. Babies grow up and I swear the sex life returns full swing (it's always been whenour youngest is around age two or so). We don't have the shift problem, but I think if you feel up to it time and place find themselves. The baby years our tough but they don't last very long.

HTH

Your older children are definitely old enough to watch your child for the time you and your husband are together. If you and your husband needed to talk alone for a while, I'm sure you would do the same thing, so don't feel "wierded out" just because it's so you can have some "alone" time. Your husband does have a sleeping schedule that isn't what would be considered normal, so expecting to be together at what would be considered a normal time isn't really practical. If you're afraid of the kids walking in or hearing you, just make sure to lock the door and have them turn on the tv or go outside to play or something like that. I'm sure your 13-year-old knows about the birds and the bees by now, so you could even hint around at what's going on and they'll probably make sure everyone stays FAR away. Don't be embarrassed by this part of your relationship or ashamed at the time of day. Believe me, even if your kids are grossed out now at the thought of their parents in that way, they'll be even more glad that you have a healthy relationship. Enjoy and be blessed!

Hey N. girl! I love your message... Girl get yours in whenever, wherever, however!!! give that man what he wants. He is a good hubby, working, taking care of everybody-- he should absolutely know that you'll put the kids on hold for a little while to make love to him. Make sure the baby is fed/sleep/happy.. give your 13 year old instructions on what to do when/if the baby gets unhappy. A 7 year old girl should also be good with the baby. A half hour (im assuming) should be enough for you and your hubby to feel good. It is NOT wrong for y'all to have some private time while the kids are up!! as long as everyone is at peace for the most part.. I think it is great that he wants you so much!!!! and the 2:30 thing works great too as long as you still get enough sleep to have enuf energy the next day.. Girl that is a great "problem".. enjoy finding the right answer!! :)

L.

Hi N.,
The only thing I can tell you is get it in when you can girl!!! I understand the timing may be off for both of you but maybe you can try having the kids go to bed earlier than 10. I have a 3 year old and 7 month old and my husband works 12 hour shifts so sometimes we're catching each other in the mornings when I come out the shower! Its a tough call but you do have to make some sacrifice for the sexual part of the marriage when there are kids occupying your time now.

I agree with Laura basically. If you don't think you can enjoy the sex when kids are up, why do it? My husband and I don't have shift problems, but we do it when we both feel it's right time. I am still nursing my 1-year-old daugther. Honestly my availability is not often.
Talk about your feeling and schedule to your husband. If he really cares about you and kids, and if he really want to have sex, he should be able to accommodate your psychological and physical availability.
Good Luck.

Hi N.,

Some of the ladies who responded touched on this subject and it is very important - intimacy to keep your relationship strong and healthy. Not just physical but also emotional.

Women need intimacy in order to feel sexually aroused/ in the mood. Men need sex in order to feel intimacy. It's a C.atch-22.

It's as simple as interpreting the info above as, "You just gotta put out." BUT that is NOT what I'm saying. You need to demand that you should be enjoying the experience as well instead of putting up with him like he's just another chore.

If he wants to have sex while the kids are awake, then ask him to get the kids settled and occupied so that YOU have time to decompress, take a bubble bath, get ready, get in the mood ... tell him it's foreplay! We're natural multi-taskers and you NEED that time to deactivate your mind and focus on just the two of you.

Your marriage truly is the most important basis of a long-lasting and healthy home for your children and an active sexual life is absolutely necessary.

Good Luck!
--M.
L.I.F.E. Consultant (Learning Intimacy From Education)
www.SlumberPartiesbyMariaElena.com

GIrl, be glad he wants sex at all. No matter the time. There is no scheduled, appropriate, written-in-stone time for sex. YOu get it when you can. So if that means at 4:00 in the afternoon behind locked doors while kids are playing then get you some. OR at 2:00am before he goes to work, thats good too. Then you can go back to sleep and sleep well.
Absoluetely NO he is not wrong for wanting it then. You should truly be thankful. He could forego sex all together and that would cause a huge problem. My dh gets up too early and cant think about sex at 530am. He also has to get to bed by 10pm and is too tired then to have it. W/ our kids only being 2 and 3, we really couldnt do it at 4 in the afternoon or they might tear the house down. Besides, he isnt in the mood for it in the afternoon either. He is a pre-bedtime sex person. So for me I NEVER get it. He might suck it up and give me some 2x a month. Try dealing with that. I will trade you places ANY day!!!

N.,
I am the same. I WILL NOT while the kids are in the house AWAKE. My husband is also up and gone early and to bed earlier. I DO get up like an hour before he gets up to get ready for work and that works best for ME because I dont have to worry about him getting an attitude at times when I WONT. I have found that it is SO WORTH getting up then and found that it really dont take that long anyway and then you can go back to bed. ha ha
I had to pray that I would enjoy it or atleast bear it without feeling hurt or resentful at him because I am so tired or something. So.......I say pick your mornings that you want to just pick some and try to love him.:) (that will be loving him)
Have fun :) hahaha
K.

I would say do what you feel ok with. But my husband & I makes sure our 4 yr old is playing, then we go in the bedroom. If she wants one of us she knocks on the door. So alot of times we don't finish. But it's still the time we need together. You have to make time for you hubby & yourself. It is ok for the kids be up.

I think sometimes at 2:30 am is ok and sometimes mid-day is ok.
Even if your 13 year old figures it out, there is nothing wrong with his parents still acting in a loving way- and as long as you have had "the talk" with him, and he knows that it happens with loving people, etc- with respect, blah blah blah - who cares?
Sometimes parents need a "time out" too. the 4 month old won't care (give her toys in a crib) and the girl and boy can be outside playing - or maybe you can have the 13 year old cook dinner (something easy) while the 4 year old sets the table. or some other "chore" at that time.

Girl, I say give it to him whenever and wherever he wants it! What you WON'T do another woman WILL.

Your husband is a guy, he isn't wrong, they just think differently.

13 and 7 are plenty old enough to watch the baby while you and your husband take some time for yourselves, especially if baby is asleep. It might be difficult for you to get used to being intimate with your husband while your children are awake, but just try to relax. Getting up early with your husband might not be a bad idea occasionally but you don't want to be too exhausted for the next day. And N. give yourself credit, you're always a full-time mom whether you work or not, sounds like you are a good wife too trying to make your husband happy. Good luck!

I can so relate to this, I have a boy (14), and two girls (3 & 2), they go the bed late. To be a little too honest: I just can't do it if my kids are up, my teenager is nosey and my girls are into everything. I totally cringe with every sound, for me it's a real issue which doesn't make it too enjoyable for him either. I can handle a bathroom quickie during the day once in a while. But, that's about it. We do try to catch up before the kids are up that tends to work best for me which in turn works out better for him, lol. Good luck!! Also, for really good quality time try to plan a Mommy & Daddy night once in a while, send the kids to a friends house if possible. having three kids I'm sure you could use the night off ;)

WOW! So many different opinions! But I can tell you- my hubby and I DO sneak off to our room and lock the door quite often because of work schedules and such. We just make those times our "quickies", and do positions that will not make noise! And on the nights when we do have more time and the kids are in bed asleep- we can take our time and pamper each other more. I agree with a couple of ladies who said- your marriage is important AS WELL as the kids! Take care.

N., he is so not wrong for wanting to do that. It is an honor that he desires to be with you, I hear so many stories of men not desiring there wives any more. It;s okay it teaches the older kids responsibility and it gives them a chance to bond. I am in the same position with 3 kids and qa husband that work at night. I don't worry about anybody else satisfing him because that's my job. Continue give him what he want and you relax and enjoy it to remember to turn the TV up and keep the sounds really low.

Lock that door and go be with your Husband! :) Teach the older ones how to handle your baby, supervise them taking care of her before your alone time so you all become comfortalbe with it. Try to simplify it for them if you need to (ie. put her in the swing or playpen or down for a nap or something) that way they dont have to handle her too much if you aren't comfortable with that. I have 3 girls, 8,6 and 1 and the 8 & 6 year olds help me all the time (while I am around or if I need to go outside, do housework or be with my husband)and they are very good. I trust them to take her outside (with my permission) to go on the swing, trampoline, carry her up and down stairs etc, I just started teaching them from the git go. Your 13 yr old is more than old enough to help take care of an infant, especially for a short time and after all, you are still in the home should there be an emergency. Good luck!!!!

I'm in the exact same boat. My husband leaves the house around 3am for work. In the evening when he gets home (around 4pm) he wants us to go upstairs and leave the 3 boys downstairs while we have sex (ages 6, 4, and 15 months) I ALWAYS tell him no, and he gets really mad. He goes to bed at 8pm and when I come into bed around 10-11pm he's already asleep and it's to late for anything. But I can't seem to make myself WANT to get up at 2am for sex either. So it's always on the weekends in the evening time, and even then 80% of the time we don't do anything.

And by the way. YES I do think he is wrong for wanting to while the kids are awake. That bothers me to NO END with my husband. I think it is wrong wrong wrong. I always say to him "are you gonna be the one to run out of the room naked to deal with a screaming kid? Or "yeah just what I want, to start and have to stop 3 min later when the kids are banging on the door".

So no real advice, just know you aren't alone. If you do get some advice let me know! LOL

H.

Hi N.,

Having sex is a natural part of living. (I was wondering why you called it nasty)

When you have children, it is difficult to feel comfortable in having sex because they may know you having it. Embarrassing.

At this stage of your marriage, you will need to plan for having sex. Talk with your husband and find out what will be the best time to have sex. Then plan for it.

You can have the children's grandparents take them out for awhile. Get a bsby sitter to take them out.

Make your plans ahead of time and go for it.

Good luck. D.

i'm pretty sure i wouldn't feel comfortable getting it on upstairs while the rest of my family is downstairs hanging out. it's pretty likely that the 13 year old will figure out what's going on up there -- do you feel comfortable with that? what's the matter with the days when he doesn't work? can't he wait until then or wake you up in the morning when he gets up?

One of the first things you can do is put those older kids to bed LONG before 10 pm. The next thing you can do is get your DD a swing and let her swing in the evenings before bed while you are spending time with DH.

The next thing you can do is learn to love the quickie! Many women call it "Taking one for the team!" Save your long drawn out lovin' for weekends and such, go for a quickie during the week.

The previous advice to realize your marriage came before your parenthood is very important. While your 4 mo needs your attention and care, she will not be scarred if you decide to spend time with DH in the evenings. Your older children will learn that men and women need time together and how important it is to let mom and dad have that time.

Remember, you and your hubby were here first b/fo the kids were! Try your best to be 'married centered' and not 'child centered.'
I know the 4 month old is helpless and needs your time and attn. but put her in her crib/playpen and be there emotionally/physically for your hubby.
The biggest mistake we as wives can make is to put kids before hubby. Take a look at what author, mom and public speaker Jill Savage has to say about it:II. The marriage relationship must come first
We have to be wives first, we have to be mothers second. Jill couldn't imagine leaving her small children to go on a 10 day trip overseas with her husband! God had in store for her to learn the lesson that we are wives first, and mother's 2nd. We do a dis-service to our children when we are child-centered. It throws the family off balance. She needed to be marriage centered, not child centered. She was putting her children before her husband. Her children needed to see her invest in her marriage. This would provide the stability and the lifestyle training for their own marriages someday.
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and then what i share with my friends about it: Tip #3
Unfortunately, no matter how sleep deprived a man is, APPARENTLY, he will never say 'NO' to sex! Just because we wives have no problem saying 'no,' when we are sleep deprived and cranky--our husbands, on the other hand, often see that as a personal rejection. Talk to your hubby ahead of time about how you both can say 'not now' instead of him hearing 'no' as a 'not ever.' Take heart wives, you'll have a 6 WEEK BREAK [doctor's orders!!!] where there is no sex, but be creative! There are others things you and your husband can do besides having sexual intercourse. While wives welcome the 6 week break, be sensitive to the needs of your husband. Believe it or not, intimacy puts your hubby [and even you] in a better mood. To get back on track with your emotional/spiritual connection, find time to be intimate [remember, intimacy is more than just sex!]. You will probably find that your hubby is very understanding during the 6 WEEK time period, and will encourage you to get the adequate rest you need. Although sex is fun and pleasurable for both you and hubby, when you have a new baby to take care of and you are sleep deprived... the area of sex and intimacy almost always becomes a sore spot for many couples. So if you find yourself in this place, refer to Tip #2!
___________
hang in there! i hope there is someone nearby that you know and trust to give you and the hubby a break from the kids every now and again. parenthood was never meant to be done alone! ;0)
best wishes,
T., mommy of 2 boys (7) and (2)

I agree with you, if the kids are home and awake sex has to wait.

Husbands don't understand that us moms are the ones that are pulled in so many directions at once...work (either in and out of the home), the kids, the husband, and all the things that go with each. They think that if you have a spare second you should be ready for sex, they don't get that it may take a bit more time than that for us to switch to that mode. They are actually quite selfish in that way.

We have sex while the kids are awake all the time. In my mind, it's not a problem. I have older kids who can watch our baby for a little while, and it's a nice connection between my husband and me during the day. It sounds like your older kids are well old enough to help out, and you don't have to tell them anything specific - just say something like we need you to watch the baby while we have some time alone together since Daddy goes to work and goes to bed so early. I don't really find it to be a big deal in our house. I guess it's all about your own comfort level, but from where I stand your husband's schedule is pretty nuts and if you can wrap your mind around this it could be nice for everyone. Good luck either way. I'm sure you'll work it out. :)

N.,
To start, I am with you. There is no way anything goes on while anyone that is not us is in the house and awake! However, the fact that hubby is interested at any time of day says alot for your relationship. I think the key is to pick your moment. He may not mind if the kids walk-in on you, that may be part of his excitement, but you both need to be comfortable with the situation. What about stealing intimate moments in the shower before work?
M.

well i think you should not be doing it when your 13 year old son is home because he probaly all ready knows about sex even if you have not had the talk so he should know you are have sex manybe 2:30 am is a good time

I don't see anything wrong with you and your husband having sex while the children are awake. You don't have to tell them what you are going to do. Just make sure the baby is feed and changed, ask your son to watch after the kids while you take care of something; while you're doing that hubby can be in the room waiting, so it want look so obvious if you two go to the room together. Sex is important in a marriage, particularly to men. I believe it is one key to a healthy marriage. I don't think your husband is trying to sound selfish or insensitive, he is trying to find a time to be with you. You may not be able to have sex everytime the kids are awake but I think it worth considering as one of your options.