Husband Wants Divorce

So if you want to stop crying, then stop crying. You are the only one in control of this. I remember a boyfriend I had prior to my marriage. It was over, yet we still used to get together from time to time. Once we had both moved on and saw other people, well, we spend an evening together. I cried. I knew he had been with other woman and it just felt wrong to be with him. It is not that I ever thought I was the only one in his life, but I just didn't want to be back and forth and we really had no intention of being together long term. Move on, it has been done many of times. My mother raised 3 kids on her own, got back together with my father and raised a set of twins alone. Everyone is of adult age now and she did it...so can you.

Dear S.,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My advice might seem a little cold and harsh, but it's not meant that way.
Your marriage has been in trouble for some time. So, that part is nothing new. But, now you are pregnant and he has told you he wants a divorce. Devastating, I know. However, you have two beautiful kids and you are pregnant with another one. You need to take care of YOU and your babies. You don't have time to worry about who he's with or what he's doing or if he'll change his mind....
If I were you, I would file for divorce and custody of the children. I would do it soon. Let the court deal with him over money and support. I don't know what assets or anything you have together, but surely you can find an agency where you are to help you get assistance, including filing your papers. He said he wanted a divorce so give him one.
This might seem like the worse possible time to have to go through this, but if he is doing drugs and things, it won't be any easier when you have a newborn. It won't be any easier a year from now or two years from now.
Be glad you have the support of your family. Be glad that you will have the opportunity to raise your children away from an unsafe situation.
Make sure you have supportive and positive people around you and take care of yourself. You have a little baby growing inside you that can feel your despair. You are certainly entitled to it, but concentrating on being strong for your baby is so important. That's not to say you can't cry or be heartbroken, but you also can be strong. Many, many women have raised children alone, and sometimes it's all in the definition of "alone".....do you mean alone, as in not with a man who says he doesn't love you?
You're not alone.
You may find you are less alone than you have felt in years.
I left my husband when my son was just a baby and it was hard. But it was nowhere near as hard as trying to live married to him. If I hadn't spent most of my pregnancy in the hospital, I would have left him before the baby was born.
It's not ideal, but these things happen and we do survive them.
Get yourself situated with a new OB/GYN close to where you are now and tell them what's going on. Ask for referrals for outreach resources. They should be able to hook you up with a bunch of ways to obtain help and sustain your emotional health through this process.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and pray you find strength where you never knew you had it. You'll be okay. You really will.

Well i am very sorry you are going through this while pregnant. Sounds like my life all over again. I too went through a seperation while pregnant with my 3rd child. It was tough and very devastating. All i can say is the is in the nest interest for you and your children. You or your children should not be around the drinking and drugs anyway. I will tell you it took me about 2 years to really get back on my feet and stop questioning why this or that happened. My ex stated he never really loved me and stayed with me out of convenience and that he was tired of PRETENDING to love me!! So yes this period is very hurtful and i completely understand your feelings. But YOU CAN DO IT ALONE!!!! I have been out on my own for a year now and yes its tough, but it is starting to get smoother. It takes awhile to get used to. We also were together for 10 years. I cried all the time. Stop worrying about what he is doing, i am sure he is not worrying about you or the kids. And obviously thats why he doesnt even contact yous. Start your new life with your children and be thankful he doesnt bother with them (if he is a bad parent i mean). You and your children deserve to be happy! This is probably a blessing in disquise that yous are no longer together. It is all unfair, because he does get off to be "FREE" but its ok cause when your kids get older they will know who was there for them and who wasnt. If you can, go see a therapist. It is someone who is bias and doesnt know you. So he will give you honest advice and insight. Talking to someone will help and let you let go of your anger/pain/resentment/fear etc.....Make sure you go to court for spousal/child support. And do not ever let him take your children until you have custody. But check with your state, because in some states, if he hasnt made any contact in over 6 months you could get sole custody. Good luck and keep us posted.

I myself have been going through this situation for several years. We tried a lot of times getting back together, but it never works out. I even felt like I was causing my husband's drinking and stress and behavior. However, we are apart now, and slowly I can see the light. It has been so hard on our kids to have him coming in and out of their life. He uses the kids as a puzzle piece to get what he wants. I know he loves them, but he doesn't know how to control his own behavior. The only reason I have not filed for divorce, is because I can not afford it, and I am afraid the judge will give him more rights than he has now. He is a good manipulator, as well. My kids miss him, but they do not miss the arguing and fighting....Trust me, be thankful that you have your parents to help you. God will give you strength, even when you don't feel like believing it...He knows what you are going through. Trust in Him and try to stay around positive people who have your best interests at heart. Don't give up....your kids need you. :)

Best thing for you is to look at your kids faces and be strong for them. Things will work out for the best. I know you wouldn't want your kids to be around someone who drinks and does drugs all the time. It seems to me he is trying to take the easy way out of not being a husband or parent anymore. He wants to be "free" again. Find the best lawyer you can get and when you file for divorce make sure you file for child support for all three of your kids as well. It's up to you whether or not you want joint custody or not, in my opinion I'd say not to give him any parental rights but that's just me. I wish the best for you and your kids, don't worry things will get better.

I'm so sorry S. for what you are going through. Life isn't fair and I'm sorry about that too. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Do your best to look at this as an opportunity to get healthy. Your marriage has been a struggle by your account. No matter how much you love your husband and how much it all hurts in your heart you have to know this has not been a healthy relationship. At least that is the way it sounds from your story. Drinking and doing drugs doesn't make a good husband or father.

It's time to take care of your children and yourself by getting help to feel better.

Get online and do some searches. I don't know your financial situation but chances are you can get help in the community where your folks live at minimal or no cost. You would serve yourself well to get a little counseling to help you get through this. You can also learn why you had chosen the husband you did and whether that is what you want in the future. Find yourself a community service that will not judge who you have been or what you have been through, but is willing to help you explore your options and yourself.

Keep your focus on your children and the baby to come. Make the goal creating a healthy life for them and YOU. It's okay to be sad and cry. You are entitled to your feelings. In my opinion you will feel better more quickly if you get help and find ways to empower yourself. There are solutions. You can be happy, and you deserve it!

Oh im so sorry. My husband and I are just now getting back to some normal in our marriage after 2 yrs of being on the edge of divorce. I know how you feel about the crying and heart break BUT YOU can make it. I promise you can. Take time to grieve it and then slowly move on in your heart and mind. Ask for help from people around you who care,its ok you need it and they know you do. take care and be good to yourself. :)

You poor thing....my heart goes out to you and your little ones and your soon to be tiny baby. You are in my prayers. I just sent one up to heaven as I am typing this out to you. I became a mamapedia member just now in order to maybe let YOU know that someone here on this world is thinking of you and is praying for you.
SOunds to me like he has physically and emotionally checked out of his life as being a man, father & husband to the people that will ever be the most important to him that he will ever find. He has given in to some temptations that are now taken over his life. And he is not willing to understand this and fight for what is right and that is to be with you and the children. You can't make someone be apart of your life if they do not want to be.
You have to stay strong and surround yourself with others in your life that are good people and are willing to be there for you. I pray that you are a God fearing woman and know other people in your life that will be willing to pray with and for you. You can't do this alone. And God doesn't want to see you hurt or be alone. He is there thru the loved ones in your life.
Your husband has to prove to you and your family that he is willing to make a life with you all in it and that he has to ask for forgiveness and do all that he can to make it better. IF he is not willing to do so....than that is your answer. Let him go. God has something better for your life.
"Faith is taking the 1st step....you don't have to see the entire staircase, you just have to take the 1st step." ~ Martin Luther King.
I will be thinking of you and praying that maybe some of my words were helpful to you. And be strong S.....but know that God is stronger and will not let you stray if you humble yourself to him.
Take care.

S., I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. God does love you and he cares so much for you and your little ones. He is able to give you the strength to go through this.

Praying for you,
A.

Hi, S.,

This is a tough situation. Your husband sounds like my first...I've really struggled with getting over the ex (even though I'm a graduate psychology student who comes from a family of psychologists/psychotherapists). One thing that seems to help is thinking about what I can do to make my life and my kids' life better. I don't know how my life with my ex would have been had we stayed together. (A lot of people tell me that I'm better off this way. I don't know whether that is true.) However, I have no control over what my ex is doing. I have some control over what I do. Optimizing my family's life helps optimize my psychological, physical and financial well-being.

Do you remember a time, perhaps when you were a kid, teenager, or young adult (before boyfriends or husband), when you felt good being single? If so, you might try to determine what made that time in your life happy and keep that feeling in mind. If not, then you might view this phase of your life as a growth phase, a phase in which you will discover talents and traits that you never knew you had. Countless parents have handled this type of situation, and you can, too. As you develop different skills and realize your resilience, you will develop pride that will help you feel better.

I hope that you have a support network (supportive relatives, friends, psychotherapist, etc.) If not, please contact a psychotherapist that you think is helpful or a mental health center.

Best wishes,
Lynne

I'm so sorry to hear this. You've made the right decision, but it isn't going to be easy for you or the kids. I'd suggest finding a divorce support group, many churches have them, and some counseling as well. Its important to heal the hurt for you and your children so you can move forward. Finding someone new won't solve the problem either, it will just delay your grief. Soak up the love and support from your family and friends!

Best wishes!

HI S.----I am so very sorry to hear of your heartache. I hate to say never, but right now, you need to be concerned with your health and well-being and that of your children, especially that unborn baby. I truly believe in positive and negative energies, and you don't want that baby to be affected by the current negative energy happening in you.

You have to remember that this is not about you. It's about a man who apparently doesn't know where his head is. Frankly, and I know it's easy to say this from my computer, as it stands now, he doesn't deserve you and his kids. I would pray for him, but you MUST think of those kids. You can't control what he does with other people, you can only control what goes on with you. You will get over this, because you want and have to. Consider this experience a set-up for a huge come-back. You are not defeated unless you quit. So, take it one day at a time, get help from a counselor even if you think you don't need it, or can't afford it. My feeling is that you can't NOT afford it.

Take it one day at a time...and others have said, be sure your diet is especially good, not only for the baby, but to keep you healthy through this stress. Exercise is essential. Research shows that it works better than antidepressants.

And feel free to call if you'd like to talk. It's time to make some new friends. Take care of yourself and those babies. D. ###-###-####

Find a support group really fast to be able to keep your spirits up during this last trimester.
You did the right thing in clearing out. It's too late obviously for hindsight, and I don't mean to make you feel bad, but last year would've been a red flag as far as his behavior and reliability. He's proven he's unworthy of your devotion.
Find an attorney, apply for full custody, because your kids do not need that kind of role model.
I understand your fear. I would like to disappear too, and I feel very much a prisoner, for way different reasons than you. And after over 25 years! And it is scary. But the sooner you find a support group of mommies without partners, start putting an end to this relationship, the stronger and more proud of yourself you'll start to feel. Get in maybe a church group where you feel warm and accepted and you'll find even more friends and support.
But do drop the 'excess baggage' (your hubby)

good luck!

I'm sorry...that is heartbreaking.
Take very good care of yourself during all of this. Eat healthy, exercise, do your hair (to keep your self esteem up).
Also, go to an amusement park with your kids, or something like that, to help them feel a little fun and a sense of family in the middle of this disaster.
Let them know that you will always be there with them, even if other people let them down.

Single parenting is hard, but others have done it and you can too. Look for a single parent online support group. Get the kids enrolled in school and try to find ways to make them feel grounded.
Consult a lawyer about getting child support going!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

It's for both the betrayed spouse, wayward (cheating) spouse, those who are reconciling, those separating/divorcing, and those who are moving on. It's a phenom place.

hi there,omg this is devastating. the only thing i can think of is at least it wasnt a shock, by that i mean you guys had seperated and stuff and mabye it just wasnt meant to work out and that sucks i know bc i have been there not divorce but devastated after a long relationship i was in suddenly ended although i could tell it was coming to an endsooner or later bc we shared diff future views... i did get over it but we didnt have kids etc so i know this has to be harder but jsut focus on that for every door that closes a new one opens. and yes it may be hard for a while a long while but you have to embrace what yo udo have family/friends to help support and healthy kids. do not focus on the negatives liek who he is with or what he is doing bc that will jsut eat you alive. it seems to me after seeing everyone i know get a divorce even some who were married 18 years (a few of my friends this happened to) a guy turns 40 or so and then wants to leave his family and have 'freedom' again. so its going on all over the place. but all i'm saying is TRY to stay positive in any way you can you have family etc and if you put the positive out in the 'universe' or with god or whatever you can, it will come back positive but if you focus on the negative like i said it will eat you alive and just keep coming back negative. plus you have to stay good for the new baby! i hope your ok and will keep us posted, were here for you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fabulous books to read, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. (Most of the time the wife changing will save her marriage and change her husband) and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

The bible. book of Titus

Excuse me, did I see one person say that you have to change to change your husband? That changing your marriage is in your hands? I am sorry but that is a lie. Do NOT take the blame for your husbands actions.

S., healing from this will take time. Give yourself some grace and take time to cry. It's okay to grieve, what your husband has done to you is horrible. Can you go to counseling for yourself? That's what I would do if I were in your situation. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to and to help sort out feelings.
Hugs!!!! I pray blessings on your family and your new little one on the way.
You are stronger than you know!!!

My church has a ministry dedicated to this. Here is the info:

Beyond Divorce

You dont have to go through the painful and stressful experience of divorce or separation alone. Beyond Divorce is a 10-week divorce recovery workshop combining expert teachers followed by small group discussion. Oasis is a concurrent program for children and teens affected by divorce. For info on upcoming sessions, contact ____@____.com

Some men suck!! I am sending you a HUG!!!

I was pregnant last yr with our 3rd I was only a few months along when my husband told me he wanted to leave and that he didn't love me anymore.I was glad in a way bnecause we fight alot
I hate the way talks down to me I too wanted to walk with the kids but I didn't yes we are still together but after that nite my wedding ring came off never put it back on.