Husband Wants Me to "Ask" to Please Watch Our Kids, Need Answers to That

My first instinct was to think he's a jerk and you should tell him he needs to start saying "please" to you more, too. However, I think perhaps his point is in how the requests are made for help. Maybe he just wants a different tone. The way I'd approach this is more of a "OK, this isn't working right now because we're both clearly frustrated. Let's sit down and look at what needs to get done and come up with a good schedule and chore list that works for both of us."

ETA: If he's working from home, scratch that as available to help time. I work from home and it's work time. No way I could work and take care of kids/do chores at the same time.

a couple of things, yes you should not have to strock his ego; however, we all need to master the art of comunication and respect for one another. I hate when my husband barks orders at me ( I am not saying that is what you are doing, but if that is how he is seeing it, he feels it)

I personally would say it as politly as I can swallow, but in the same hand I would stop doing for him. I would not by his food anymore, leave him money to do his shopping. I would not do his laundrey anymore, let him run out of clothes to ware and maybe he will see all you have been doing. Did he think all this stuff got done by the wave of a wand? I would do nothing for him, but you kind of have to keep doing for the kids.

Good luck

I don't think you would have been wrong to bite his head off ;-)

I'm with Denise...let him get a taste of what you do all day.

I can hear the frustration in your voice! What would happen if you were to ask the same of him? What you are asking for is mutual respect right for you 2 to work as a team? hhmmmm that doesn't seem like a huge request. In fact, it should be a given in any marriage.

If you ask me you should present it to him just like you did here. Tell him that you certainly do not expect a "please" when taking care of the children and household. It is your obligation as a parent but it is also HIS.

I just have to say this and I hope no one gets mad at me BUT..... if one person suggests you read the "Proper care and feeding of Husbands" I'm going to vomit! LOL!!!

Good luck and I'm so with you on this!!!!

I think I'm reading it different then how it happened?
From your information, I'm getting that all he really wants is for you not to tell him to do things or to order him around. That's were the 'please ask me' part comes in. Maybe he just wants you to take a different approach to getting him to do things. No one likes to be ORDERED around.

Each night at dinner hubby and I talk about what's come up in the next day or so. Who is getting the kids to the sitter or bus, who's home first to make dinner, etc.

Since he is basically new to what all you do and what he'll now need to help cover, make up a little schedule/chart for the week. Let him see the what and whens.

M.

I would wake early O. day, dress, and wake him up with a kiss and say "Sweetie? I'm leaving. Be back at lunchtime....." And GO. It will be a sharp learning curve!
Seriously, I guess it matters "how" we ask but really, he doesn't sound like he's picking up any subtle hints so time for a baptism by fire!

You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

I'm going to bet that the two of you NEVER talked about who would do what with the kids.

I'm going to bet the two of you NEVER talked about dividing chores.

I'm going to bet the two of you NEVER actually communicate.

You are doing what you're suppose to as a mom, taking care of the kids. You took on all the responsibilities for the house and I'm guessing never discussed how to divide and conquer?

Your husband is not another kid (although at times we have all thought so).

You own half of this problem. Stop ordering the poor man around. Ask him if you both can sit down and talk about how 'we' can make some compromises with kids/house, etc.

And to the rest of you mom's who think he's being a jerk, I'm guessing your hubby's feel just as emasculated as this one does. You mother's are so vicious and hateful. No wonder you have hubby issues.

I think many men/husbands like problem-solving, so start a discussion about what's going to happen or the difficulties you're going to have when your parents are out of town for 3 months and not able to help you out with the kids. Pose the question/problem as "we" statements, such as "How are we going to get everything done while my parents are out of town?" Will he be home with the kids on the days you work? Maybe "I don't know how I'm going to get their lunch ready when I have to get myself ready and out the door for work." He may realize that he NEEDS you to make lunch for the kids and it would be in his best interest to take care of the kids while you prep lunch. Also, just as him which tasks and duties he'll be taking over while your parents are away. Good luck!

Stop making his dinner, stop doing his laundry and stop cleaning up his stuff. Make him ASK you and then see what happens! Seriously! Make just enough meals for you and the kids, do just you and the kid's laundry and stuff.

Damn some men are such assholes and feeling all entitled that their wives will cook/clean/care for children/etc without any sort of praise, compensation or gratitude!

It's not just your household, I've heard a lot of my married friends having similar issues. I don't blame you for wanting to bite his head off. That man needs a reality check!

I wasn’t going to comment because I’m not where you are yet. I’m married, pregnant with our first. However, I came back to see other responses and felt a need to once I saw Carol G’s response….

Anyway, as I’m reading through your post I’m thinking how wonderful you sound doing all the work for so long while your husband comes and goes. You even have your parents helping out? WOW! Rather than completely burden your DH you have been sacrificing so much. Now we get to where you are now and all the energy, stress, frustration and being taken for granted has finally come to a head.

Your parents being gone or not, should not be a factor in your husband helping out. He should help. Where the break in communication came is when he felt you were barking orders at him. You have been so accomodating to him for so long, letting him take you for granted that IMHO he would not have mattered if you said “please” either way you are asking to do something he doesn’t normally do. Why? Because he clearly does not see it as his role if he’s o.k. with YOUR parents taking over HIS job as your children’s parent.

The only thing you did wrong was letting him get away with this for so long. He has been used to a regular routine in his life and all of a sudden you tried to put a wrench in it (not how I see it but how your DH feels maybe). Take the high road and talk to your DH again, but this time say please so this will not grow into a huge argument. I surely hope in the future though you will not continue to seek so much help from your parents IF your DH is around to help =-) Ask him to PLEASE take some responsibility of the kids and household. Someone on here said it right = you 2 should work as a team!

I totally agree with you, first and foremost. But... I can also see his perspective. I read a book that literally CHANGED my life and my marriage... "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahan (spelling might be off)... She talks about what our husbands need from us. I know there are SO many books written about this one... but this one is different. It is encouraging and gives quotes from men and she also did a survey among men to get the data/research she wrote in the book. One of the things that was in the book that served as revolutionary in my marriage was the fact that men need respect. She wrote an entire chapter on exactly what that means to a man... and how to show respect to your husband. I know this seems silly to "ask" men to do something such as watch their own children... but I always ask. They do not know what needs to be done... because we take care of EVERYTHING usually... so when something needs his attention, I always ask him if he will please do it. Obviously, him telling me no is not really an option, but then I get the help I need and he gets the respect he needs.

Think of it this way... in my marriage I need a LOT of emotional support and words of affirmation... like most women. Can you imagine if my husband thought it was silly for me to NEED to be told how pretty/compliment I am on a regular basis-- can you imagine how that would make me feel that he thought it was silly? That would hurt my feelings that he refused to give me what I literally NEED from him to go about my day and week and feel good about myself. Even if you find it silly to have to "ask" him to watch children that you chose to have together... maybe he needs it. Maybe his need is more important than your asking... just a thought.

If I were in your shoes, I would just bite the bullet. I would go ahead and ask him and see where it gets you. He will probably feel so much respect from that act of kindness, that he in turn will show you the love and appreciation you might be longing for. Just a thought... get that book!!! You will LOVE that ... it is a short read and a GREAT book!!!! :)

Good luck to you! Men are hard to figure out.. hang in there and know that you are not the only one try to discover how to please a man... lol.

I always ask my SO if they can do stuff, just like he always asks me if I can do something. I would think if he came up to me and said "You need to pay the water bill tomorrow," I would laugh. Why do I *need* to do it, why can't he? But when he asks "Hey can you please pay the water bill tomorrow," it's polite, and he's asking me if I can, not telling me to do it like it's a chore. He doesn't ask me to do EVERYTHING I do, lol, that would be annoying. I take the initiative and do stuff on my own, but for things that need to get done, that neither him or I have jumped up to do, we ask each other. That includes watching the baby.
A great EX: yesterday I needed to do grocery shopping, I usually take the baby with me because she likes to get out. Turns out I started to get sick, and I just wanted to go and get it done, and changed my mind about taking her. So I asked him, "Hey can you stay here with the baby so I can do the shopping quickly, I don't feel good." It was no problem.
My SO also needed help with understanding what to do with the baby. He had never been around baby's before, and I am a stay at home mom - the primary caregiver. So on his days off I would get him used to our routine, and what needs to be done. All I had to do was ask hom to do something, show him how or help him with it, and now he just takes the initiative and knows what to do. No more asking for the day to day things because he has it down pat.
All in all I think its about the approach. It's just nice to be asked, and not told, and it goes both ways. =)

Well he is acting like your 3rd "child."
Men... this is a common malady.

TELL him... he is NOT EXEMPT from the family duties, including the kids. HE helped make the kids, thus he has to help in the DAILY rearing of them.... and he lives in the house... and so he ALSO has to help in the DAILY upkeep of the home. It is his home too.
He is NOT a college kid living in a dorm. Even College kids in a dorm... have to survive and clean up after themselves. HE is a grown-up... so he better act like one.

AND he is a Dad... to his 11 year old. HE is responsible... for HIS KIDS TOO. ALL of them.

I say, go on strike. Do not do anything... for HIM. Nor his laundry. Either.
I did that once. My Husband got the point.

HE... has to get off his high-horse... this is life. He is responsible... TOO.
NO one, is exempt. No one.
You should not have to ask him to help... like he is a child.
If he wants to behave like a child... then treat him like one. Then tell him... he acts like a child, so he will be treated like one.

My Husband... works AND goes to school. I had this problem with him too. But one day he got the message. He although is very busy.... helps. AND he plays with the kids. Too.

Your Husband... is being one big cop-out bump on a log... and it is.... pathetic. Tell him that.
PATHETIC.
Tell him, it is NOT being a "Man." A REAL Man... acts like a grown-up... AND helps with HIS children... and takes value in that.

HE helped make the kids, HE lives in the house, HE is an "Adult".... HE has done nothing... for the overall family... and that is pathetic. Tell him "GROW UP." You are NOT his "Mommy."
Tell him, get over it.
This is life.
He is not special.
ALL grown-ups with kids.... HAVE TO do these things. It is not about him doing you a favor... or him having to be asked like a child.... it is life.
Step up....

Next: Make your OWN plans. Go out. Tell him, and then go. Tell him... HE has to mind the home and the kids. To bad.
ALSO... since he does not like you 'telling him what to do..." make him a LIST of things to do. I call it a "Daddy Do-List." I did that to my Husband once... made a list of DAILY things, HE has to do. Because at one point, all he was doing was taking out the trash twice a week. And he thought... that was a BIG deal of effort for him. How childish. So, I made him a LIST of what he needs to do. And I posted it up on the wall. THEN... next to that list, I made a list of EVERYTHING that "I" do... EVERY darn day.
And so, it was a VISUAL comparison.... of what I do and what he does... or does not do.

Again, my attitude is... NO HUSBAND is Exempt, from home upkeep or child upkeep. No matter is his wife works or not. Because... HE IS A PART OF A FAMILY. Period. That is what a Family is. You TAKE part... in it. Not just being.... a Squatter. Who dumps everything on the next person....

all the best,
Susan

look at this way. do you want him to tell you what your responsibilities are? no, likely not. so change your approach. ladies, if you don't want to have to mother your men, then don't do it. be his partner in life and expect him to do his share in that partnership. a long talk and a nicer attitude on all fronts will go a long way to have peace. been there done that got this tshirt!

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You are right and he's wrong BUT you'll just go round and round with him with no end and no resolutions. Everyone wants to feel respected and important and appreciated. Especially husbands. If you go about this with appreciation and thankfulness, then he'll bend over backwards to please you and help out. You probably don't feel appreciated and respected but you are! You are appreciated and loved more than you know. If you play the martyr and come across as demanding, then you'll get nowhere fast. You're a good mom! Good luck to you!!

ok maybe i'm the weird one, but what's wrong with asking your spouse to do, when i need my husband to do something for me, i always word it "would you mind taking the garbage out" or switching the laundry load, or can i get some help over here please, he'll either come help himself or send the "army" (kids) my way to help. It's just more polite that way, and you're saying i need help without being "controling" (not saying that you are, but to him it COULD sound that way).

of course my first marriage, he was VERY demanding, and his way or no way, i couldn't go see my mom alone for more than 1 hour without him calling to find out when i'd be home. i told my now husband before we got married to not EVER "tell" me what to do and simply because i don't ever want to give him the "reason" to tell me, i just ask

up date, been reading on some posts, i honestly don't know why it's such a big deal to politely ask i can't imagine demanding my husband around the house..but then again i'll gladly do the house work "for" my family so it's done my way, but i have a small house, small yard so not much

so make him say please for sex, dont clean the house till he says please, dont do hislaundry unless he says please. make the baby cry till it wakes and make him say please will you get up with the baby. dont buy junk food and make him say please will you fix dinner he will eventually get the point. since he works at home I am sure the internet is a requirement set the money aside and dont pay the bill and when it gets cut off make him say please will you pay the bill if he doesnt say please to any of this make him do it himself :)

I have always asked my hubby if he could watch daughter, take her somewhere, etc. Granted, she is almost 16 now but I ask him instead of telling him.

How do you react when someone "tells" you or "orders you' to do something?? Just asking someone nicely and saying "please", "thank you" goes a long way.

We are self employed and the schedule is never set. We knew this going in and we work as a team. My husband is not my child nor am I his. We work together.

It sound like you two need to incorporate some detailed communication with each other. If your parents are helping out, God Bless you.... we are plane tickets away from any and all family.

Use the time your parents are helping out to have a date night and not forget where you started. We still have date night weekly after almost 25 yrs. It is a priority.

Respect each other.

my husband says the same thing: please ask me, don't tell me. they just don't notice what all needs to be done. i catch myself many times barking orders at him, because
1. i am tired
2. busy
3. need the thing done right then and there
so i have to correct myself.
i am not easy to sway but in this case, i think he's right. how would i feel if he were to tell me what to do instead of asking me.
so maybe try asking him. maybe he'll pitch in more.

Do what you need to for the kids, but do nothing for him. Leave his cloths piled up, do not make him dinner, ect... and when he says something say he did not ask you nicely.

I think you just answered your own question.

Keep paying the bills and taking care of the kids, but I think from now on he needs to "ask nicely" if you'll pick up after him, do his laundry, make him dinner, etc.

My ex husband pulled something similar, so I just plain stopped doing for him. If he wanted clean clothes or food, he was forced to get it himself. If he wanted anything special done, he had to learn to ask. I picked up the house, unless it belonged to him then it sat wherever he put it. Me and the kiddo were fine.

If your husband suddenly wonders why he's out of socks, just look at him and sweet as pie tell him, "Because you didn't ask nicely."

Or...I'm just vindictive.

I'd tell him you "ask" a babysitter to watch your kids....you don't "ask" the dad! (And really, you shouldn't even have to tell him!) They're HIS responsibility just as much as they are yours! Sounds to me like you've got him spoiled, lucky guy, but now it's time for a reality check. MEN. Good luck with all that! =)

A sandstorm needs to dismantle his cave!

I feel your pain. I was also like you doing everything with the kids and the house minus the bills, he takes care of that. I got to a point where I don't even ask for help anymore, why so he can just get upset. I do not like it but if I want help I usually get my sitters to come over or just take them with me. He works outside of the home and I work inside the home, being a SAHM is a JOB. I made the mistake of taking over all the responsibility of the kids and assumed that this is what marriage is, the husband provides and I'm the caretaker. I am getting older and I'm tired, literally I'm getting burned out so I've decided that I am going to ask him for help and not feel guilty because that's all I know, growing up my Mom was the caretaker. I love my family and remember it takes two, you didn't make these babies all by yourself. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

I would probably ask him as politely as I can to "please help me...or maybe their new daddy would like to help"!!??

:)

I don't think it has anything to do with the kids per se, but the fact that he doesn't want you to boss him around to do anything. Instead from your post he wants you to "ask" him versus demand he does it.

Nobody asked you because you volunteered yourself and they didn't have to ask you. So you don't really have a legitimate complaint if you have been volunteering yourself all these years. Give him back some of the responsibilities.

I do see your husbands point. Alot of women like to tell their husbands what to do. I don't think you need to ask him in the way he's wanting, but you certainly could say something like, "hunny, I'm swamped today, so if you would please help out with the kids today, I would really appreciate it!"

I would try approaching him the way that he has asked and see if you get different results. Maybe the night before you could just say "could you please get up tomorrow morning and feed the kids breakfast" or whatever. You are right, it is his obligation to help, but everyone likes to be asked instead of told. I have found with my husband if I just say "I could really use some help, I need to do x, y & z, would you be able to help me with one of those things" or "I have x, y & z, I can do x if you do y & z or vice versa - you can pick".....he always helps out when he is approached that way. If I start demanding and telling him what to do, I am met with resistance, and honestly when he starts demanding of me and telling me what to do, I have to admit that I resist also. Of course if you do as he asked and ask him to help and he still meets you with resistance (I would try this a few times) then I would say you need to sit down and have a talk and see what can be done so that both of you can be happy. If he is working out of the house then I would think that for certain hours whatever you guys choose together, he needs to be "off limits" to get his work done. Why do you expect him to help when he is working? He wouldn't be helping if he was working from somewhere else like you suggested, and then you would have the added expense of an office, another phone line, internet service, electricity, and the list goes on......I think that you guys can make this work if you can compromise!!

My husband was the same way. That's why I went on strike. He is just now starting to help. We need a better union. lol.

I hate when men do that kind of stuff. Its so aggravating!
He figures because you do, do everything you make it seem so easy that he thinks it IS easy when in reality its really not. It takes so much time and energy to do all this work and more. They dont see it.

When my husband does this, I just tell ask him how he thinks dinner gets on the table every night? How do the dishes get done?
And does he think a magic fairy comes and puts clean clothes in his drawers??
Nope. Then he gets the point. I do everything in this house, and its not too much to ask that he help out. Especially when you dont get the appreciation that you probably should, and do everything without complaint. So just tell him, and ask him how he thinks everything gets done? You could be asking him to do all that work but your not, so he should consider himself lucky to have someone like you.

My approach to this is probably a little bit different than most maybe...I would sit down with your husband tonight after the kids are in bed or maybe quietly entertaining themselves. Sit down with a pad of paper and a pen and agree on who is responsible for what. and maybe you only do it on a week-to-week basis, but since you will know your work schedule, and he works for himself, it is the perfect scenario so you are both equally helping/ sharing the responsibilities around the house.

My other suggestion is for you/hubby to trade off doing early morning care. IE: If your kids get up at 5:30a every morning, you and hubby take turns getting up with them. OR you tag-team kid watching, while you are getting one up and dressed, he can take care of preparing breakfast for them...things like that. Also, make sure your getting your kids on a good routine.

It's always hard when In-laws and grandparents help out because when they are not there, some people forget what its like to be a regular parent ,and not just a supplemental person. It's going to be ok, but YES your hubby needs to pitch in and really, get those kids on a good schedule, and it'll be ok.

Maybe using the word "team" instead of "responsibility." It just sounds like more fun. I guess I'm mostly joking. What you are describing is completely maddening. It sounds like you want a new rhythm/level of participation from your husband. Right now he does either not get or not respect where you're coming from and really you probably don't fully get his side either. A real talk (or 5) about this (separate from the moment you want him to do something and he says something that annoys the hell out of you) could help you both to understand eachother better and begin to get though some of the annoyance on both sides and actually get into some strategizing. A new level o' teamwork that includes tag-teaming, schedule changes, and new kinds of delegation and roles will require some good initial and ongoing communication. I wish you luck and hope some other Moms can offer some helpful advice. PS You do work your a** off

If my hubby did that I would try talking with him. Tell him that you didnt think you needed to ask him because he is the kids dad, and your husband, and partner (All this of course AFTER I removed my foot from his back end and had a chance to cool off). That your sorry if it came out wrong, but that dose not change the fact that you need him to pick in a bit more whill your mom and dad are gone.

Best of luck Sweety!!

I can understand your frustration at not having help. I do think, though, that your husband should have some say in what times he is doing childcare and what duties, rather than you making up the entire plan and expecting him to follow it. I work from home, and in order to get work done, I need that time to be respected as work time. So, if your husband is working from home, he would also need that time to be respected. Of course, you have kids, so if they are not in school or daycare, they need to be taken care of. By whom at what times should be discussed between the two of you, and if changes need to be made for special circumstances, then each one should ask the other.

Just guessing from what my hubbie is like. He sees me doing a morning routine (or something) and thinks that I have developed a sound system. He's hesitant to step in because he doesn't want to throw it, by doing something wrong or doing something that makes it harder. Also, he's more clueless than I am and often just doesn't notice as much as I do.

I found that with him he likes a direct comment. (which your hubbie sounds like he does not.) However, I like a quick "please" or "do you mind" with a request. It sounds more polite to my ear, where my hubbie feels like that can be condescending (which I don't get, but okay.) I don't like being told what to do. Hubbie appreciates the clear direction. Different people and different preferences.

Discuss this from the perspective that BOTH of you want to help and both want to have a smooth running household. Tell him why you feel overwhelmed and see what he suggests as a solution. Also, toss some compliments in there to remind him that you do think he's a great guy. (It really helps)

Sometimes I'll say something like "the house is a pit. Can you take 15 minutes and whatever you find to clean, please do?" - hah - see I've just done a please request again.

Hope that helps.

He sounds like a control-freak with a good bit of laziness thrown in, sounds like a lot of fun for you! j/k

I totally agree with Denise. I would have him say 'please' and make him ask you to do all of the things that he assumes are your responsiblity only & not do a damn thing without it. If that includes making him his separate 'junk food' for dinner, paying the bills that only affect him, washing his laundry, sex, etc. You are being taken advantage of & all that you do is being taken for granted. God forbid you are really sick for a week or 2 & truly can't get out of bed to do his bidding. Would he be able to cope & handle all that you do?

Seriously though, you definitely need to sit him down & have a chat about this before you have an argument & run the risk of saying things you really don't want to say because you're feeling taken advantage of.

I haven't read all the answers, so may be repeating.

It seems like you need to have a conversation with him, preferably when you are not upset. You need to agree between you what responsibilities each of you have around the house. That doesn't mean each of you can't ask for help when needed (for instance if it is his job to mow the lawn, but his work is crazy and he can't get to it, it's OK to ask for help). With the kids, obviously there has to be more flexibility, since things change all the time with what their needs are. Yes, he needs to be responsible for his kids, too, and yes, each of you needs to treat each other kindly. And both of you should be jumping in to help when you see things that need to be done. It seems like you see more of those things and do them without being asked. It sounds like you feel taken for granted, so explain to him that feeling appreciated for what you do and him being more observant would help you a lot. And let him know that it is to his benefit for you to be less stressed over everything ;-). My recommendation is to come at this with an attitude of "how can we both help each other and reconnect?"

He should not need to be asked...he answered the question of "are you a father?" when he signed the birth certificate, IMO, but good luck getting HIM to see that, lol!

added: when I was married, and the kids had things that needed done with/for them, I would always try to word it as a statement and/or question, such as- 'Children A and B both need to be picked up at 5:15, on different sides of town, which one are you picking up?'
Wording can be extremely important in good communication :)

Really, is it so difficult to say, honey ... this week I have xyz appts can you take the kids while I do this or do you have something else going on? Honestly, I think that is all he is looking for. You say: "I have to do xyz tomorrow and I need you to take the kids for 4 hrs then I am back" ... he hears "I am leaving you alone with the kids until I get home HA HA HA!!!!" I am sure that at some point when you were discussing having children and running the home as an about to be married couple or a married couple that an agreement was made that house/bills/kids are your primary and if that conversation did not happen ... maybe it is time.
The way this conversation went with potential mates was a deal breaker for me ... I pay the bills, do the majority of the housework (he helps often), and the kiddo is 90% my responsibility and the 10% he has him alone I confirm that he does not already have something going on and yes, please is in there most of the time.

First thing that comes to mind is go ahead and B*tch slap the bastard. It is quite obvious that most of this is venting but it dies take it's toll.

I need to know how long you two have been together, ergo how long has he been getting away with this? There tend to be a lot more hurt feelings when things like this are not not nipped right off the bud.

I will tell you what works for me. I approach my husband in a way where he has no way out. I ask him if he wants to spend time with the girls (never watch, never baby sit). When the kids start school and he works long hours, he became our older dd's main ride to school. I told him that his time with her is so limited and that she would be thrilled to have the mornings with him.

When we were first married none of my dh's gang of friends even had girlfriends and dh thought that going out to the bar every other weekend was a compromise. It was fun before the baby. When our 1st was born, I sat his butt down. I told him that I love him but that I don't have to be with him to love him. I have a daughter and there is no way in hell I would have her witness him coming home inebriated in the wee hrs of the morning. That stopped that then and there.

That is so not right I hate when fathers say they have to babysit for crying out loud they are your kids you should want to watch them spend time with them bond with them!!!Its not babysiting when they are your kids get off your lazy butt and help around the home if he does not want to watch the kids tell him to make dinner pay the bills and do the laundry!Then maybe helping with the kids wont seem like a "chore".He shoild appreciate all you do around the house and with your step daughter he should let you have a time to relax!

Well it sounds like bad communications rearing up its ugly little head. First it does sound like you are overloaded so that makes you easily ticked bc you have such a full plate, very understandable. So I think there are two issues running. One, you probably need to sit and have a heart to heart about who is doing what on what days and come to an agreement. Case in point: Sundays at my house are an all out marathon to get to church. We live about 45min away from church and have a three year old and a nursing baby. So I was getting up like 2 hours before everyone, doing everything and then my husband was waiting until the last minute to get himself ready and he would make us late. I was VERY frustrated. So what did I do, well I got snippy. That wasn't helpful to anyone and made my day suck as well. So we talked about it like reasonable adults(after a few unreasonable rounds;) and when I actually "heard" his side, I could totally get where he was coming from. When I was open and ready to work out the issue, he was open too. Now we split the kids, we each have our responsibilities and we don't hassle the each other about how we tackle those responsibilities. I was so busy being a martyr I could not see anything else. Not saying my feelings had no validity, but I had to lay them aside and see the bigger picture for the problem to get fixed. So I think problem one is you need to talk to him at a time when you are ready to hear him and state your side for the purpose of a solution not the purpose of venting, only you can know when that time is, but choose wisely!! Then you guys can come up with something. Not you telling him what he needs to do, but you guys talking things over, teaming up and making a plan. I think problem two is just semantics, he wants to be asked things. I get your point, who is "asking" you? Well my question is, does he harp on you? Like if it is bath time and you are once again getting the kids baths, if they didn't get a bath, would he bug you about it? Some men will harp, mine is not like that. He never worries about what I do or don't do. If he wants me to do something, he will ask. Like if I decided to let our baby cry it out, or if I pop a pizza in the oven instead of cook, he doesn't say much, I get to make those calls and if he wants something different he asks. He is not worried about the choices I make for our kids, it is taken care of and that is all that matters. But as I said, if he wants something different he asks. He would never come to me and say, "I have a heavy workload so you need to do ...(fill in the blank)." That wouldn't go over too well!! So basically if I went to him to inform him of what his job is, he would not take it well either, he would see that as very disrespectful and I would also be cruising into mommy role and he is not my child. We as women don't want to be dictated to what we are supposed to do, neither do they. When he says he wants to be asked I bet he is thinking that he wants you to give him the same courtesy he gives you, not trying to say all the work is your job and he is some kind of royalty that can't get his hands dirty. Goodness, sorry this is so long!! I just wanted to try and show you that I think these are two issues and if you work out the issue of who's responsibility is what, and come to an agreement, then it probably won't be a rub to ask him to do other things as needed. Anyone who feels demeaned or made to feel like a child will buck up and especially a man who feels he is being told what to do, oh holy cow, it just doesn't work. I wish you guys the best, try talking it out and mostly listening, good luck!!!

You are both parents. He doesn't have to ask you to take care of the kids, does he? Are you doing him a favor by caring for them? If not, then he's not doing you a favor either. Something that really needs to be determined before having kids is whether you will have a coparenting relationship where both parents have equal responsibility for the kids, or whether one parent will have primary responsibility for the children and the other is a helper or doing them a favor. If you are a parent, you don't "watch" your own kids for someone else.
However, that said, when he is responsible for the children, do not give him endless instructions. He can figure out that they need lunch, and if they don't have on a hat, they won't die. When he is in charge of the children, he is a parent and not a babysitter. Same when you are both at home, if you're busy doing other things, he ought to notice that the baby's diaper needs changing or that it's nap time or lunch time and take responsibility, not "Can you check the baby's diaper, I'm still folding the wash?" He should be doing this on his own. However, if this wasn't how he was raised or how he parented his first child with her mother, he may not know the expectations (hence, why these things should be discussed before children)
A talk about obligations and responsiblity is in order. Go out for coffee and discuss.

So frustrating! And so universal. We all have these subconscious assumptions about what "moms" do and what "dads" do (or don't do) and so we're stunned when these rigid roles show up in our own marriages. Couple of ideas. We found it helpful to look together at an objective list of all the family work (at a time when we weren't fighting about it!) and talk about how we would get all the work done together. Now our 10 yr old is part of that regular conversation as well. Here's a link to a list. http://www.remodelingmotherhood.com/content/Remodeling_To...

Also, I found that the most compelling argument for my husband to be involved was his own relationship with our daughter. That he needed to be part of the every day realities of caring for her and our family if he wanted a rich and lasting relationship with her.

I wrote a lot about this issue in my book This is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today. My husband and I struggled to get back to the marriage of equals we had before kids, but we did it and even renewed our wedding vows to celebrate. : )
K. M.
http://www.remodelingmotherhood.com

There's

*I didn't read the other responses but this is normal. You shouldn't boss your husband around. You catch more flies with "honey, can you please, if it is not too much trouble," than a raging "Help me, you jerk!" I am sure that you do more. Why? Do you work out of necessity? I would seriously consider quitting if you can. You are leaning heavily on your parents and now on your husband, when you are all busy, in my opinion, the best thing to do is simplify and slow down. If mom is happier, everyone is. I agree with Mommy R. STROKE HIS EGO AND FLIRT MORE. Men LOVE IT!

You can't change your husband. You are angry that he is not stepping up. You can't change him. You can't boss him. You'll actually let go of a lot of anger if you just accept him for who he is, slow down and be nice to him. It's really not bad to accept it, it is easier.

I just wanted to add, to the tons of women who suggest going on strike or making him say please, etc. This may work, but secretly, your husband will view you even more hostilely and see what you did as an act of aggression where you win and he loses. He will either get you back later or will just have some of his feelings for you cool down quite a bit. Trust me, it is a power struggle to do that. I have tried it and it doesn't work for your relationship, even if he helps more, he resents you more, or like mine, he just ups his game and turns even meaner.

Ask him to sit down and read what you wrote here and the responses. It may open his eyes, but it will surely make him happy he is married to you and not some of the other wives who would really stick it to him(although he does deserve it for acting like this). Good luck!!

K., I think this is a universal situation... :)
You kind of hit the nail on the head yourself, when you mentioned, "Please give me some clever way to get through his head.." I'd say the secret lies in the 'Clever way'.
Martyrdom always delivers the message, but making it a cleverly played martyrdom delivers a permanent message many times. Play sick/headache/migraine some day, and ask him 'sweetly', (bat eyelashes if necessary) if he could do the laundry one day, or if he can just feed the baby. After feeding, 'Oh, I totally forgot to tell you, so sorry, but could you also please change the diapers?' 'Oh, you are my hero' 'Oooh, the baby loves his/her daddy more than M.! Lookee!'
Boost his ego for every chore he does for you.
Another time when you both get your 'Us' time, gently talk to him about how you have to do all that stuff everyday, with no one to boost you. Tell him how much you'd love if he shares these chores with you.
Use as much 'batting eyelashes' and tempting as you wish to. I strongly believe God had these situations in mind, when he decided to give women beauty, as well as brains.. :D
Good luck to you!!

You have indulged him by doing everything. Of course he does not want that to change. What to do? Well, try making a list of all that you do and all that he does and sit down together. You may need a counselor or other third party there, You sound just plain tired, acknowledge that and go from there. It is hard to do it all without support. (it sounds like your parents have been your support and now you are asking him to do it)

Wow, it sounds like you are getting pushed to the max!
Your husband clearly doesn't understand his role as a father. In my house my husband does and says stupid things like that all the time. Sometimes when he does it means that he is also under a lot of stress, or is ticked at me about something and hasn't expressed it.
I have freaked out many a times in an aggressive or sarcastic way. It has never worked. He just gets as defensive and the conversation doesn't go anywhere.
From reading what you wrote I would say that you are feeling incredibly unappreciated. What I do first is express what I am feeling in the most honest way (being sure not to point fingers, if you do it may cause him to stop listening). Often when I present as being angry it means that I am actually hurt. So I make sure first that I figure out exactly what I am upset about. Then what I do is figure out what I need from my husband in order to solve this problem and lay it out to him in a clear, step by step way. Sometimes men just don't have a clue. Which makes sense because they communicate in a very different way than women.
I just always make sure that I am very clear and concise, and I also try to find out whether or not there is something that I am doing that is annoying him.
At any rate, good luck! I hope everything works out.

L.

Updated

Wow, it sounds like you are getting pushed to the max!
Your husband clearly doesn't understand his role as a father. In my house my husband does and says stupid things like that all the time. Sometimes when he does it means that he is also under a lot of stress, or is ticked at me about something and hasn't expressed it.
I have freaked out many a times in an aggressive or sarcastic way. It has never worked. He just gets as defensive and the conversation doesn't go anywhere.
From reading what you wrote I would say that you are feeling incredibly unappreciated. What I do first is express what I am feeling in the most honest way (being sure not to point fingers, if you do it may cause him to stop listening). Often when I present as being angry it means that I am actually hurt. So I make sure first that I figure out exactly what I am upset about. Then what I do is figure out what I need from my husband in order to solve this problem and lay it out to him in a clear, step by step way. Sometimes men just don't have a clue. Which makes sense because they communicate in a very different way than women.
I just always make sure that I am very clear and concise, and I also try to find out whether or not there is something that I am doing that is annoying him.
At any rate, good luck! I hope everything works out.

L.

Well, I am sure the right answer is to talk to him and that it never hurts to throw in a "please" because he might be clueless about what you need him to do....BUT....if I were you, I'd be sorely tempted to do this:

STOP doing all of the things I do for him (laundry, food, sex, whatever) because he didn't please ASK me to.

(I should ask that I KNOW that's the WRONG way to approach this, but I'd be tempted....)

Does he ask "please" to crawl in bed next to you? ;)

i see both of ur points, I think he is neglecting to relieze all u do without being asked but he pry just thinks of it as part of your job in the house. and now you want him to do something he doesnt normally do, so he doesnt think its expected of him. but if you want something (even if it is something that should be no problem getting.) how hard is it to ask instead of demand,which i am not saying u are doing but that may be how it is coming off to him.

I'm with you in that I'd be super mad.

On the other hand, the way you're writing this, your anger is seeping through the page, it's clear you're only thinking of this from your perspective. From your perspective, you do EVERYTHING, he does essentially nothing, you're used to relying on your parents instead of him to guard his time, and you're furious he would expect to that he be treated with courtesy over something that's clearly a mutual obligation, etc.

That said, it's possible, just possible, he has a point. At least, he's entitled to seeing things differently from you and it doesn't make him wrong. I know I hate it when my husband (really anyone) tells me what to do. Maybe he's used to doing less for the kids/house/you with you doing way more, and an abrupt change of the status quo makes it seem like it should be a request between equals, not an order.

It's also not ridiculous to imagine a marriage based on courtesy. Just because I wish my husband would show more gratitude for the bazillion things I do, doesn't mean I shouldn't show him gratitude for what he does. Otherwise, in my opinion, it's a race to the bottom.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. I don't think this situation is your fault (certainly!), but it's probably not entirely his either - it takes two to make a conflict. Ultimately, we can only change our part of the cycle. If you doing the same thing over and over - what feels like the right or only thing - and it's not producing the desired change in him, in my opinion, you can only try something different, maybe even something opposite.

One thing you might consider, leaving him with the kids and the house for a weekend or a week (perhaps while your parents are away). Or, start with a day and work up to a week. Let him see how much needs doing, how much you're always doing, so he has a real sense of what needs divvying up. Come back and make a list of the chores together (perhaps with the kids?), with each getting say on who does what.

Or, try broaching the topic of his work around the house with "I" statements. Like "I'm feeling overwhelmed with my backup support system leaving town. I could really use your help right now to keep everything running smoothly. I'm also frustrated that when I assume you will help that it feels like you're pushing our mutual chores back on my shoulders." It's harder for someone to disagree with you when you're simply stating how you feel (trying not to be accusatory), and it also helps make clear the very reasonable emotions that may have led to him feeling attacked/unappreciated.

I have four. I have never asked him to help with them I tell him what my schedule is and he has the baby, or the girls or I'll say I have son 1 and you have to get daughter at 5:00 or whatever.
They're his kids too.
If he doesn't want to help, hire someone and take it out of his paycheck and start saving yours. THen tell him there is no money for what he wants.
And if he is still being a jerk, withhold sex. You are woman, use your womanly manipulation and get him where it counts.