My Husband Is Slacking Because I'm So Stong, How to Get the Balance Back?

hey, this may be kind of late but have you ever read "men are from mars, women are from venus"? there is a portion of the book dedicated to how to get men to do more without sounding too demanding....I believe the key words are will you and would you as opposed to can you and could you. Something about giving them the option to say no. After saying no and you accepting that gracefully, he'll be more inclined to say yes the next time because you didn't nag him the last time he said no. Make sense?? haha you should read though. very insightful.

This might sound silly, but maybe a chore chart? Divide up what needs to be done and hold him to his end. It does sound like he realises what has happened and wants to change. Lucky you! I hope you both can work it out.

A.,
Two things, usually true, that I have found out about men, in general, over the years.
#1. They don't get "hints."
#2. They don't multi-task very well!

Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband who is a great dad as well. But I see that the more I do--the more he lets me do. I also have to make sure to allow him to do his stuff HIS way. Not be a control freak (my normal MO) and want it done MY way! LOL In the words of my wise mother: "Let him do it.......his way. And don't re-do it or micro-manage it!" Do you think he feels that your standards are too high and that he'll never do things to your approval level?

I think you need to be specific about what things your husband can take on as his responsibility (making lunches, doing the laundry, putting clothes away, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, etc.) and LET him do it--his way. Be prepared for that. Once it is HIS responsibility, it is HIS. EVERY TIME. For ex.: He's not just making the lunches 'today' as it is HIS job--every day. That way you can count on him to get those things done and you will free up some time for yourself, too. These tasks shouldn't be viewed as "helping you out" as you both work and some (all?) of the day-to-day duties need to be shared! (What woman wouldn't jump at the chance to mow the lawn, take out the trash and get the oil changed in the vehicles every 5000 miles! Me!!!!! LOL)
Tell him what you need help with and don't feel guilty about asking for help. Be glad he's aware of the situation and willing to change it for the better! Good luck!

I went through the EXACT same thing! Subtle cues got me nowhere but tired. It is human nature to let someone else do stuff for you....it's a sweet deal. And while you may feel taken advantage of...he will not know that unless you tell him outright. I built up a lot of resentment and one day I just snapped...do not let this happen to you.
Be honest, straight forward and fair about divyying up responsibilities. One good strategy is also to let each of you schedule alone time per week or time off time to do what you please...no ifs, ands or buts....or judgements. It gives something to look forward to and helps ease some of the resentment and routine.

Hope that helps.

Hi A.,

I have been happily married to my husband for 12 years. Many times I have let things go undone in hopes that he would magically just do them. Of course he never did. What he finally told me is that if I want him to do something, just ask. Of course I'd get mad, thinking I shouldn't have to ask. He said it is just how he works. He'll do anything I need if I just ask. I still wish I wouldn't have to ask, but it is better than doing it all myself. We also take turns. If I make dinner,he does dishes and vice versa. If you always do everything and don't ask for help, they'll always just let you do it. I'm not sure if this helps, but it is what worked for me.

Hubby will only do what you allow him to do. If you allow him to sit and watch TV while you do it all, that's what he's going to do.

Step 1: Have a heart to heart talk. Let him know how you feel and the things you need from him. Give him a chance to step up to the plate on his own.

Step 2: If the talk does not help, let him know that you're setting up a daily chore list to let him know what he needs to do and he'll know what you'll be doing. This way the household chores will be sure to get done.

Step 3: Stop doing anything that involves him. Stop doing HIS laundry. Stop making him lunches or anything else like that. Let him tend to himself. Don't pick up after him. If something of his is left out, only pick it up if the kids will be getting into it. Make a pile in the kitchen of his dishes and trash, etc, for him to throw away. In my home, if hubby leaves things laying around, I toss them down the stairs in the basement. If he needs something, he goes down to dig through his stuff. If it gets in my way I just kick it aside. I have 4 kids in the house to attend to. I don't have time for a 5th, lol!

Step 4: If all else fails, lungs always work! Yell, scream and throw a fit. Demand the things that he will do, or else. Let him know you've tried everything else and still intends on sitting on his behind, but you will not stand for it anymore. Hopefully, you won't have to go down this road, but it's an option if he digs his heels in and wants a fight, lol!

Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat

A.,
You are so fortunate to have a husband that actually recognizes that he isn't helping that much and is willing to talk about it. I would praise him up and down for that (men eat up that stuff anyway) and love the stroking. Most men would just keep their mouths shut and enjoy their peace. The problem is that it will catch up to you one day and you will become resentful so this is perfect timing to get it resolved and work on a different plan.

I would think about the things that he does well with your son, around the house, etc. and maybe write down or just talk about what he can do daily to help you out. Be prepared that the way he does things won't be how you would do them or as fast as you but try to turn your cheek. The more you work as a team, the more time you will have together as a couple and a family. Everyone benefits!!!

Envious in Phoenixville!

Hi,
I am in a very similar situation. My husband would rather let me do everything...because he knows I can and will. Sometimes I "want" to do everythng because (this may sound mean) but I know that I will pack everything I need and won't forget anything. Or, I will do things the way it needs to be done. When we do it together, let's say like pack the baby's bag to go out. We almost ALWAYS forget something. It is because we both thought the other got it. Anyway, on the other hand ...sometimes I see him checking the computer or listening to music when I'm running around to gather and prepare for us to leave. I do get upset with him..so I'll say, Can you give the dogs water/food? Can you shut all the bedroom doors? Can you bring the bags to the car? Simple things that could help move the process along faster. I wonder if he would do more if he felt like he "was" needed ...even if we really could do it all ouselves? Sometimes I have to remember that ever since our son was born..my husband became my second priority...and he knows it. He even commented one day "that I don't love him as much since our son was born". I thought that was crazy but I can see how he might come to that feeling. I love him even more because i see him with our son but...I don't give him as much attention and lovin as before our son. so, MAYBE our husbands are withdrawling from us in many ways (even helping out) because they are not feeling "needed" as much. I don't know. I think answering your question actually helped me see things within my own family different. Good Luck and GReat job, because it is a compliment that you are able to do everything so wonderful!

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you feel like you are doing too much, and need him to be more helpful. Ask for his input on how to change things. You may need to agree to do specific things, and he will agree on certain chores, and write them down, so there is no question.

With my husband, he is usually willing to help, but I have to tell him exactly what I want him to do. If he sees something needing done, he usually won't do it, unless I ask. If I just vaguely say I need help, he will say okay, and then go back to what he was doing. So I have to say "can you help me do such and such in five minutes?" That usually works.

I can walk in the door from shopping with hands full of grocery bags and he will just sit. But if I ask him to please go out and get the rest of the bags while I unload them and put stuff away, he will.

If I say I need help with the laundry, he will say okay and not do anything. But if I say, it would be very helpful to me if you could do a load of dark clothes this morning, he will do it.

I cannot give him more than one job to do at a time. He can't handle that. While I can do several things at once, he has to concentrate on one thing at a time. So sometimes I write him a list.

Another thing I have noticed. When my husband comes home from work, I get more cooperation, if I let him relax a few minutes and let him do what he needs to do, instead of hitting him with a list of things I need help with the minute he walks in the door. He works all day, and needs to chance to switch over to home mode before he can help out.

I am a perfectionist. But if I want my husband or kids to help, I have to shut up when they don't do it exactly how I would. That discourages them from volunteering to help. I have to praise them and make a big deal of how helpful they are, while sounding sincere and thankful, which I am!

Make some time to sit down and talk. Make a list of things it would be awesome if he would do. Then let him do it. If it isn't done "to your specs" try to lower your expectations and don't forget to positively reinforce. Everyone like to hear "hey Hon, great job on the ... blah" even if it isn't as well as you would have done it at least you got a break at having to do it.

He sounds like he wants to help so just let him and (I don't know if this is a problem but it can be for all of us sometimes)thank him for it and do not redo anything he has already done. That is the most important thing to remember. If he thinks there is no point in doing it because you will just redo it anyway he won't. My husband And I go through this both ways. He hates the way I do laundry but if I do it he just says thanks. I hate the way he cleans but am always happy he did it. I look at it as one thing off my plate and thank him.

Good Luck
I hope it helps! ;)

Hi A.,

Another person who posted a response also mentioned my thought, but it is worth repeating. The problem most of the time is in the word "help." Help implies that it is your job and someone is being kind enough to take on some of your work for you. Since both of you live in the house, and both of you have a child, and both of you work outside of the house, why is everything your responsibility? You should not have to ask for help, as all of the work should not be yours. What would you do if you were living with a roommate? Discuss which of you will do what chore. There will be times where one of you has to do a little more (during an illness, or a particularly crazy time at work, etc.) but it should all balance out.

If there are certain things that you would prefer to do because you want them just so, then take those tasks. Let him do his tasks the way he does them. If there is a problem, talk it through. Men are not the babies we often make them out to be. Some men try to slack off on their responsibilities to see if we will pick them up. Don't do it, and don't bug him to do his job. You can ask if he needs help if you know there is a particular reason he can't do his chores at this time, but it would be you helping him.

Can you tell I feel strongly about this? I've heard women complain so many times over the years, and it is usually the same problem...the word "help" inhibits change.

Take care.

Welcome to motherhood, I think it happens to all of us when we start caring for our kids. I don't think we should have to ask and that is always got my "goat." They are capable men who can get off their butts and say, "Honey, let me get the kids ready while you pack lunch, but instead they revert to kids when their wives become mothers and allow us to do it all and then feel bad when they actually notice." Unfortunately, you have to ask, which is a pain. Don't feel bad, we as woman, always feel bad, he is a grown man. I never will forget the time I called my son "my baby" and my husband said, "I thought I was your baby". Please, give me a break. I am not one for getting my husband coffee, making him breakfast, and treating him like a king, but I do get tired of being a mother to another kid, which is what many of my girlfriends said happened when they had kids. I think it boils down to if you have a son, don't baby him too much. All hope is lost for my son and his future wife!

Oh, I wanted to add that I think it's a true BONUS that he noticed you were running around like a mad woman. Also, sit down and think about what he DOES do, like my husband, who passed away, did all of the outside work, and I did all of the inside work. Even though I did the same thing EVERY day, he did all of the big stuff, made sure my car was in working order and fixed everything in the house. We as mothers do better taking care of the kids needs, I think, are more protective of them and maybe actually do too much for them. Which was one of my husband's biggest "lectures" to me about why I was so stressed, I did too much for them. I did realize that my 5 year old could get dressed on her own, they could get their own drinks, etc. But I did do all of the bills and stuff, which was my choice. I didn't realize what my husband did for us as a family unit until he was gone. Good luck and hang in their, and remember, men really are just big kids who want their mommies.

Before deciding what YOU would do to change things, it's time to sit down and relax a little. It sounds as if he has hit the nail on the head, and he's sorry he also let it evolve. I think the key is to let him know that you are sorry you have programmed him out, and ask him how HE THINKS you guys can rebuild the sense of "team" you had previously.

If you want to make lunches, etc. maybe he'd like to dress his son. maybe you could take turns doing the cleaning. I "did it all" when my husband and I first got married, because they weren't his kids. And he was DYING to be a "real parent". It took me a while, but he finally got me to settle down, let the girls sleep in, and let him get them off to school after I left for my job. I had been busyily protecting him from a "burden" he dearly wanted to help me shoulder.

Find out what HE wants to do . . . he's obviously noticed the inequity, and he wants to be an adult on the team, not just another child in the household.

:-) (if it makes you fell any better, I think we as women do this a whole lot. We just step in and get the job done without complaint until the stress level blows up in our faces. He's perceptive enough to have noticed the inequity BEFORE you blew off steam. How cool is that? Since he's thinking about it, I'm sure he'll have some ideas on how to do things together. And you'll be a whole lot happier with a team member, rather than an audience.)

Hi A.,

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic, this is what they do. Contact your local area at www.al-anon.alateen.org and find a meeting near you.

Counseling is in order. Find a local catholic family charities or your pastor.

Hope this helps. D.

My advice is to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you may be capable of being a single mom and taking it all on, but that is not your choice. You and he are a team and you are feeling a little overwhelmed. Also, from what and how he apologized to you, it sounds like he is feeling a little unneeded. When you talk to him work out a list of responsibilities for each of you and things you will work on as a team (For example, my husband and I do the laundry as a team. He washes and dries it and I fold it all and put it away.) Once you figure out who is going to be responsible for which chores/activities, then you need to practice a little patience. He will NOT do things the same way you do them most of the time or on your time frame. If you need something to be done sooner than he is getting it done, then talk to him about it. Something like, "Hey, hon, I noticed you haven't gotten to **item** yet and I really need it done so that I can **item**. Do you need a little help with it?" Or let him know ahead of time when you need things done by.

One thing to keep in mind and possibly mention to your husband would be that by splitting the chores and responsibilities, you will both have a little more time to spend as a family (or a couple) doing fun activities instead of running around from place to place and room to room trying to get everything done.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. Good luck.

wow, Did I feel like I was reading my life with your concern!!!! My hubby is hooked on his computer and will sometimes spend so much time and zone everything else, and everyone else, out. I have spent hours being ticked off at him, while I run and do everything. I work full time, he works part time at night. And when I would come home the house would be a mess. We have two young kids, and he is great with them. What has worked best for me has been to ask him to do specific things during the day (Could you please do two loads of laundry today?) Yes it seems so childish but he will do more if I specifically ask. i am someone who will just do it if I see it isnt done and then be angry.

Just simply ask for his help. "Honey, could you please help me with...... while I take care of this" works wonders !!

Instead of doing everything yourself while he watches TV, try asking him to do something. It seems that he is so used to you doing everything that he doesn't know what needs to be done. For instance, while you are getting the your son up and dressed, ask him to get breakfast ready.

You could also assign each other equal responsibilities. Write these responsibilities down so each of you know what your responsibilities are and make sure to stick with them.

It sounds like your husband is open to talking and discussing things - I would point out that although you are very strong, and COULD be a single mom and handle it fine, you are NOT a single mom, and would appreciate some help. A relationship is two working together.

A.,
It sounds like your husband my be dealing with depression. Schedule the Dr. Appointment and take him. This is not an issue to take lightly. There is an underlying problem and it is something that the two of you must work through together.
Good luck.
R.

If you figure this one out - let me know! I feel the same way sometimes, I keep doing more and wondering what his role is supposed to be. If I do much more, I will break, and I will be a single mom! I've talked to him about how important his help is to me and how much I want to be a team, but I still feel like I end up nagging to get certain things done. Overall, the best advice I can give you is to ask him to do things for you, start with little things, and then praise him for it.

"Thank you so much for making coffee this morning, it really helped me get going" - "Thanks for getting DS dressed this morning, I know he likes it when you do it, and it gave me a chance to (insert something here)".

Little things like that make him feel needed and let him know that his help is important and has value to you. Find something he likes and is good at - my DH cooks dinner 90% of the time - I hate cooking, it causes me stress, and he's better at it anyway. We also have a shared bedtime routine that works well and sometimes we switch our roles so we each get a break and DS gets a change too.

Let him know you need his help, want his help, and appreciate his help.

J.