My husband and I have had several arguments lately, and he's been acting like he works SO HARD and I just "lounge around all day eating bonbons."
I wake up and homeschool. Then I'm either shuttling my daughter to her activities or going to my part time job--or both! I work 8 hours a week outside the home. I also do ALL the cleaning, laundry and cooking. There are days when I'm literally throwing things in the crockpot before we run out the door. He does work hard, but dinner is always ready when he comes home. He has clean clothes and I make him breakfast and lunches to save him time.
He comes home and watches TV. I come home and serve dinner and then goad everyone into helping me clean the kitchen. I get my daughter ready for bed and organized for the next day. I keep track of all of her social events and make sure she has birthday presents and is there on time.
When I was sick for 2 weeks everything fell apart.
I would never deny that my husband works hard. He does. But so do I! And I wish he could trade places with me for ONE day because I don't think he could handle it. I'd also love to see him teach a class of 3-4 year olds. He complains about his clients. I have a feeling they don't have anything on a class of 3-4 year olds!
Do you ever feel this way? Tell me I'm not alone!!!! And thanks for listening to me vent!
I wouldnt!
I have no idea how to be a wellsite geologist, id blow up a rig or something and be all over the news.
If i let my husband do my job id have to clean for a week to repair the damage!
Here's the thing....
It is never 50/50, I don't care how hard anyone tries to achieve it.
It is a myth.
Please don't be mad at me for saying this...
I was a stay at home mom. That was my job. I did it very well. I was able to do it because my husband worked and made lots of money.
I left him for reasons that had nothing to do with him not helping me around the house.
That's another story.
My point is that once I left, there was no more sleeping in when the kids were on vacation. There was no more spending afternoons making crafts and picking fruit from the yard and canning. There was no more adventure walks after lunch.
I was up at 5 to get my day started so I could get the kids up and ready for school so I could be on time to punch in at work. I did shopping and paid bills on my lunch break. I had to coordinate who would be picking my kids up after school because I couldn't. I had to have back up if they were sick because I've had numerous bosses who didn't care. To them, that was a "personal" problem and not their concern and daycare won't keep a vomitting child.
I've missed my son receiving citizenship awards. I've missed school performances.
It's easy to say, "My kid comes first and I wouldn't miss anything", but when you are solely responsible for keeping a roof over that kid's head.....you do what you have to do.
If you think it's hard with a husband, and you think you work just as hard as he does and you don't get enough help, consider going it alone.
I'm not defending your husband, I'm not saying he shouldn't help you more, but be careful about getting into a tit for tat about it.
Do you really want to trade places?
I don't think so.
Your husband works. You work. You do it in different fashions.
There is a way to make compromises and work together more.
Sometimes with men, it's all in the presentation.
Again, no offense.
It might help you put things in perspective.
Try working 50 hours a week with no one at home to help you with the kids.
I financially supported two kids myself.
I would give anything to have time to just be devoted to my kids and my house at home.
I am devoted to my kids and house by working.
Find a balance.
Don't compare.
It might not seem fair, but moms always do more in one way or another.
I don't regret any of it.
Best wishes.
I did, and than I got a job where i was working opposite hours from him so he had to do all the child care while i was at work. within 5 months he was begging me to quit and stay at home again, and swore to never take me forgranted again.
Ha ha of course I feel the same way. Don't worry . It's an age old problem
And I dont' really think you would love switching a day.
My hubby has no idea how hard it is to be home w/the kids and I would never want to switch....wouldn't wish that on my kids. Ha ha
I am glad I am a SAHM (and it took me a year & half to acclimate to that..
...wouldn't want to go back right now.)
Men are clueless (not to generalize but I must). :)
They can't do what we do. That is why God or evolution took care of the problem. Because we can do it and they can't. I am sitting her w/my hubby as he sits there totally content w/his easy chair & game on and he just doesn't have a clue. I even asked him the question about this. I recieved a grunt in response. See? It is okay! Thank goodness. (No offense hubby & yes I told him I was writing this.) :)
We both work full-time opposite schedules, but there is a really cute picture book I have called The Man Who Kept House: http://www.amazon.com/Man-Who-Kept-House/dp/0152516999/re.... You might have it at your library. It is a fun change in perspective. We do what we're better at. If I decided that since my husband and I work equally outside the home so should split cleaning 50/50, he'd point out that he does more cleaning for his job (he works in a group home) while I sit in an office, etc. You can't equate them and you shouldn't. You do what you're better at. I'm better at cleaning so I try not to mind. If it were his responsibility I know I wouldn't like how it's done and that would just cause more problems.
I do feel like I don't stop going once I'm home since I'm alone with the boys until my husband gets off work. In fact, I'm still up after 2 a.m. because I just got kids to bed (we went shopping for groceries later than usual) and I'm waiting for an update call from my husband since he got stuck late at work (3 hours so far). I'm not waiting up but want a check-in before I go to bed. Hope venting helped you a bit.
No, you're not alone. I've thought it many many times. Only problem is that I CAN'T do my husband's job. :( And he could easily do mine---for a day. Doing it EVERY day for a couple of weeks would be a whole different animal.. and THAT he couldn't stomach. He'd be nutso.
But the idea of doing his job? lol... I have had dreams (nightmares?) where I WAS doing his job. Seriously, in my dream, he was sick, so I went in his stead (sort of like in Mulan, lol?) and tried to pass myself off as his substitute for the day... everyone kept telling me "no problem, he told you what to do, right?" and I'm thinking "sure--I looked over some charts and stuff"... the only other thing I remember about my dream was sitting at the radar scope scared s---less that I'd actually have to tell an airplane pilot what to do.
After that dream--- I no longer want to trade jobs with him. But, yeah... I get your vent. I wish he could walk a mile in my shoes some time....
<<hugs>>
Why are you getting the kids ready for bed each night? Your husband does not sound like he is spending any time with his children in the evenings.. This would be an excellent thing for him to do. He can bathe them, put them i bed and read to them. You come in give them a kiss and excuse yourself or stay and listen to the story.
If you do all of the laundry, your husband should do all of the folding (he can do this while watching the TV).. Let the kids, hang up and button the clothing.. Good fine motor skills. Have the kids match the socks.
Each child should be then taking their own folded clothes to their own rooms and putting them away. They can use a toy grocery cart or Baby buggy to "carry" them to their rooms.
Open the dishwasher and teach each person how to place their own dishes into the machine.. Once your children are old enough, they should do all of the dishes for you.
Have your husband wipe the table and sweep the floor after dinner on his way to the bathroom to start filling up the tub.
On the weekends your husband should clean one bathroom and you do the other. One of you vacuums and the other mops. The children should be taught how to dust. This is a Sat morning ritual.
Birthday gifts can be pre ~purchased when you see things on sale.
I used to give board games or books. If I saw a perfect gift for someone, I purchased it, placed a post it note on it and put it in the gift closet.. With all of the ribbon, cards wrapping paper, tape and scissors. This way I was not running around stressed.
In our home there is no way my husband can keep up with events. He is ADHD and time and dates mean NOTHING to him.. So I had a family calendar. I transferred dates when I purchased the next year calendar and the moment school events or whatever came in.. I clipped the info to the calendar AND wrote it down on the calendar.
This is a family home. Everyone has responsibilities.. Make it fun. Whistle while you work.. Dance on your way to the laundry. Say please and thank you for each transaction that is completed and let them know they should do the same back to you and dad.
From the way you described it, you are working a 15 hour day. Your husband an 8 hour day. That's not equatable. You both deserve to get a break. His time/work is no more valuable than your own. Period.
When my husband took a turn being the stay at home dad, he finally understood the work it entails. I also understood the need for a break after (out of home) work. Now we make sure that BOTH of us has some alone time to unwind and that we both contribute to the daily chores. I do most of it, and I'm okay with it. But my day isn't longer or shorter than his own (unless one of us is sick or injured or needs a mental health day).
I hope ya'll find balance!
My husband and I used to say that we wish we could share his one job, so that we both got time with the kids and time away from them. Unfortunately, that's not how it works in real life.
I think some of my frustration in your situation would come from the fact that it doesn't seem like your husband is making any concession to the reality that he has a family. Wouldn't he still have the job that he complains about even if he were single? Is he working much harder at his job because he has children than he would if he didn't?
In contrast, your life has dramatically changed because of your marriage and your kids. The inequity that you have to take on so much of the household and parenting responsibilities for lifestyle choices that the two of made together is what I would find particularly hard to handle.
Me too Sister. Meee too!!!
My husband owns a business with his best friend. He LOVES his job! Dont get me wrong I am very happy for him, he has definitely put his time in and totally deserves to be happy with his job, but dang! I wish I could go to his office, and he stay home with the crazy monkeys all day! They make me tired!
Oh btw- my husband is still sleeping, I have been up for 2 hours. :) Im going to finish my cup of hatorade now....
My husband works for SC Johnson Wax. The place where Raid, Off, Shout and Windex comes from.
I've been out there twice in the 13 years he's worked there and I'd go INSANE doing his job. It's LOUD, hot and stressful.
After having an insane day with our son he RUNS out the door to work to get some peace and quiet. He KNOWS what craziness I deal with. Granted I'm at home with our son, tv, can run to bathroom anytime I want but wouldn't be able to deal with being a SAHD.
I'm pretty sure I got on of the last good ones. He does chores and doesn't want a medal after doing them. There's day he does more work than I do and THEN goes to work. He sees how being a SAHM is stressful. My running joke is you're using machines that can explode and I have a 4.5 year old boy to deal with. Who got the better end of the stick?! LOL.
I feel ya gal! I've been there too, I like to tell my husband that it may "look" like I have lots of down time but I am always "on". My work day is lots of little increments of a 24 hour period, I don't get to leave after 8 hours. But my hubby works very hard & I know that very, very well. I do work part-time so that gets me out of the house at least 2x a week but one does need just "me" time for sure.
What I hear you saying is that yours is just not ACKNOWLEDGING what you do. But I don't think it would hurt to maybe stop doing at least 1 chore & see what happens, something like sorting his socks (I hate that job) Put 'em all in a basket & set them on his lap while he's watching TV, he can do that & keep his hiney on the couch! Give him like...4, 15 min jobs and take back an hour to yourself! Go take a bubble bath. You didn't say how old your DD was but I venture that if she's old enough for activities, she's old enough for the same kind of chores (5-15 min kind) & there you have another hour for mom. If you have a time when you know daddy's home to watch DD for a few hours...tell him you are getting out for a few hours, don't ask. Ultimately, some things may not get done to your satisfaction or at all, you may have more things on your list after you come home from your time out than when you left (I KNOW I'll come home to a sink full of dishes!) but at least your outlook may be better. Remind him also that if you are able to get some time to yourself EVERYONE will be happier because the old saying holds true "when mama ain't happy. ain't nobody happy!"
Best of luck!
Yes. Absolutely.
However, he'd be really crappy at my job, and there is no way in blazes I would let him at this point save a court order.
Many many moons ago, before my husband decided to stick his head so far up his backside that the little bump in his throat is his nose... we used to trade weekend days. From wakeup to midnight ONE and only ONE of us was "on". Which meant that the OTHER person got to sleep in, make plans, go do them, etc... while the person who was "on" was 100% responsible for child care/raising, cooking, cleaning, asteroids... whatever the day might bring. We had three day weekends, so 1 day was family day, 1 day was mine, and 1 day was his.
Granted... that was my OTHER 6 days a week, but my argument went like this:
It's not fair that you get a 2 day weekend, and I get a zero day weekend... THAT one worked GREAT. All of a sudden I had a day to sleep in, and read, and make plans, and use full sentences, and not have a sticky note shoved lovingly into my hair, and you know...general sanity!!! For 3 years, that worked really, phenomenally, fantastically (can we insert more happy phrases???), well.
Later, everything went to pieces, but that was due to other things. A byproduct of which was that I ended up with 0 day weekends again. BUT my mum started taking my son one afternoon a week, so I get SOME time each week (usually).
Oh yeah.. I was out of work for 18 months. I was home, looking for work, cleaning the house, getting the kids to school (Kinder and 1st grade at the time). He would come home and ask me what I did that day as though I sat on my butt eating bonbons and watching TV. Now he is home and he will say-like it is the best thing in the world-that he did dishes and vacuumed. Okay, what about the towels I told you I left in the washer. Towels?? Yeah, they had to be rewashed because they stunk from sitting there all night and day. But he does tend to do a bit more now that I am pregnant especially since I am due next month. Sometimes they just need a kick in the pants. And yes he complains like crazy about the kids did this or didn't do that. Called being a parent honey. ;o)
I feel this away alot. But FINALLY it seems my husband has started to get it, and help out....a little bit. He used to tell me "If it's so hard, get a job and put the kids in daycare" UH-NOOOOO Not the point! A family needs to be a team! It can't just be left up to the captain lol
