Husbands Stash Money; Do You? Right or Wrong

When we were on a TIGHT budget, my husband made $5 a day work. He works all day and smokes. I remember that.

Whenever I want, if I go to a Lia Sophia party, see a handbag in the window, or just want a coffee, I am free to buy it, while he works all day. So if he pulls $20 off the dresser, I just make the budget less $20.

If we have to buckle down, I just tell my husband the situation and he works with it. So I don't mind that he stashes money.

Recently, I heard a little something on the radio about masculinity. A little cash on hand was one of them.

Mine does it ... I found his stash and it's a crazy amt, but he has also been saving to buy my engagement ring with that money as well ... so no I am not bothered by it - we have a traditional savings and his ... I also have some money lying around but it's more for that emergency tank of gas!

The issue I see here is that I don't believe money shouldn't be handled secretly by one party in a marriage.

When I was married, we had three bank accounts - yours, mine, and ours. The "ours" account we both contributed to each month and that paid all our household expenses. The yours and mine account was the remainder of our paychecks and we each paid for our own cars, gas, clothes, and extras. This way, we made sure to have enough money to pay the household bills, and we each had discretion over some of our "own" money. Childrens expenses also came out of the "ours" account.

This setup worked well for us.

I have a "private stash". At one time it was secret. I use it to buy presents for my wife for Mother's Day or Valentines day, or our anniversary. I used to do it on a credit card, but she would always find out about it so it wasn't a surprise.

I'm not one for buying for myself. I usually have more fun buying for my wife and kids. If our account was short (very low balance) I'd take money from my "secret stash" to add to our account.

I hate being absolutely broke so i try and have at least a dollar somewhere.

Good luck to you and yours.

Hmmm ... I haven't read your other responses, but why not just set up a separate direct deposit account linked to your paycheck? Put a little something away each month automatically and forget about it. It's all above board, you both know it's there and can see how much IS there. No secrecy. Then, when something special comes up you tap into it.

To your question, I have done this (secret stash) and so has my husband in the past. My stash usually consists of Craigslist sales money. Doesn't bother either of us. We don't do it to hide anything from one another and we don't use it just for ourselves. But a concert might come up and one of us will say, "hey, let's go ... I've got a secret stash" :)

I DO know two men who do this on the sly unbeknownst to their wives, however. And that is because their wives are very, very tight w/ the purse strings. As in, one of the men gets a phone call from his wife WHENEVER he makes a purchase she didn't authorize. I'm not kidding! She must have their bank account set up w/ an alert on her blackberry or something. Very insulting, my husband and I are embarrassed for him (and no, he doesn't have a spending problem she's just a control freak tightwad, poor thing)

My husband does not do that.

Most of our married life I have had the privilege of being an at home mom. One of the first things we worked out as newlyweds was that I would handle "the money". His paycheck is automatically deposited into our bank account. He doesn't even know how access it online. He does occasionally take money out with his debit card.

Currently we do both get "allowances"-- just like the kids. Once a month $30 is automatically transferred to each of our "allowance accounts". Sometimes we use that money on each other, sometimes we spend it on ourselves. Sometimes we forget to spend it, and every now and then we decide that the family budget needs that money more than we do, so we transfer it back to the bill-paying account.

Please, please don't take this the wrong way. It's a legitimate question.
You say you put all "your" money into the house/bills/family. You aren't working right now. That doesn't mean you don't have your own money, I don't mean it that way. But, there really isn't anything wrong with having some stash money. Whether it's "yours" or "your husband's". When you're married, there really shouldn't be a "his" and "hers" issue, but if he stashes away some earnings for the family, that doesn't have to be a betrayal.
I know a woman who told me the greatest thing. She's worked full time at the same place for years. She's married. She and her husband have a nice home and travel. But....she always rounds up when she pays for things. For instance, if something is $3.23, she pays $4.00 and the change goes into a jar. She never pays the exact amount, she always rounds up and in one year, she saved either $700 or $900 (I can't remember the exact amount but it was close to a thousand dollars). That was her Christmas money. She said she never missed the 60 cents here or the 80 cents there and it obviously added up.
Since she told me about doing that, I try to do the same thing. I take my recyclables and I don't care if it's $3.00 or $9.00. I put that money away. I pretend like I don't have it and trust me, it's come in handy in a pinch or been spent on something that seems absolutely frivolous like going out to a nice dinner which is something we rarely do because I'm a thrifty person.
I'm a single mother. I don't have to answer to anyone about what I do with money, but if all I EVER do is work and don't put a little bit of money away even if it's a dollar at a time so I can splurge on something for my kids once in a while, working gets to feeling like a big, fat drag.
I shoulder the financial responsibility. I work my rear off taking care of a boss and clients. I get a paycheck. My paycheck goes to other people. It's gone before I get it. It makes it really hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other if there's never any enjoyment. I worked some overtime and my heart swelled when I was able to surprise my son with a shirt he mentioned he'd seen. My son NEVER asks for anything. Not even for his birthday. I had an extra $20 and spent it on him on my lunch hour. That made working my butt off worth it.
I'm just trying to say that putting a little bit of money away here and there is not a bad thing for your husband to do.
I think he's exactly right in that if you do it in such a way, it's money you don't really miss anyway.
There is nothing wrong with you being logical and financially minded, but he's being logical and financially minded in his own way too.
I don't think you should be so upset.

That's just my opinion and I mean no offense whatsoever.

Best wishes.

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I personally would kind of like that. I would be tempted to spend it if I knew about it and if he is spending it on a date night with me - awesome!!

However, I see your point. If your behind on bills, you really shouldn't have "play-treat" money.

My husband does this too. I am fine with it because it isn't a secret. I mean, I don't know how much money he has stashed, but I know he does it. He is stashing the money because he wants to do a big 10 year anniversary surprise for me. Like I said, it totally doesn't bother me at all.

My husband does not have a stash...but my dad does lol!!!

About 10 years ago, my parents quit smoking. Several months later, my dad found out that my mom and started back up and had been smoking behind his back. My dad was really upset with my mom (more because of the sneaking and hiding it part) so he decided then and there that every month, he would take out $100 to be "his" money (at the time that's what my mom spent on cigarettes monthly..it's much more now due to increases in the cost of cigs). Ten years later, my dad still takes out his money. And that's what it is to...his. He can spend it on whatever he wants...a new golf club or rope or saddle for himself, or a new piece of jewelry for my mom. Often times, growing up, he would give my sister or I money out of his stash. So while it was never a secret, it was still his money.

If my hubby wanted a stash, I don't think I would have a problem with it so long as he wasn't breaking the bank. In your case, with being behind on bills, I think that hubby could stop taking money for his stash for awhile until you get caught back up. Or maybe cut his monthly allowance in half.

GL

A.

I am the one that has a "stash". My hubby knows where I keep it and we use when we need a little extra to get through the week. But we tend to save it for fun things. When we left on vacation this summer, I had quite a bit stashed, so we had more than enough fun money.

Talk to him about it. If I am feeling selfish, I do hide some of the money in a spot I know he won't look. Feminine hygiene boxes are really useful:>)

But I really do it in case we need some cash and have no time to get to an ATM. Or you never know....a surprise dinner out, movie night.....

um....my husband does not do it, never has done it. The concept of putting some away is good, but it depends on how you want to work things. Do you want to do money together? Then he should not hide any from you, unless you know how much it is, and when he does use it, what is he using it on? Anyway, I could see how you would feel. I think its not a big deal unless he is not telling you about it. Then it would be a big deal to me, things are always open and honest here

I've read some of the responses and really I don't understand the big deal over 20 bucks every other check or even every check. After all it is his money that he earned. I understand a marriage is a partnership but we're not talking thousands or even hundreds of dollars here. I wouldn't begrudge your husband wanting to feel in control of such a small amount of his paycheck, especially when it sounds like he uses it for your family most of the time. I would not look at it as him "stashing" money, he's just giving himself a well deserved allowance.

Sounds like a budget is in order for sure or just an agreement on how much you are each allowed to spend outside of bills etc. However if you guys are behind then I think that getting a budget together that focuses on getting out of debt. Check out Dave Ramsey, I think being out of debt is the first step. When my hubby and I were getting out of debt we had a $20 wkly entertainment budget, it didn't go far, but we did what we could! Sometimes we would just get some nice steaks and cook at home or just catch a movie etc. We had an agreement that nobody could spend of $30 without talking to the other. We paid off 40K in two years and had a couple kids along the way! So I really encourage you to check him out, we have been through a lot in the past few years with job changes etc and everything has been Ok, bc we don't have debt and I have been able to be home with our kids which is so important to me. So maybe a starting place would be just to agree on an amount, say $20 a payday that you can do whatever you want with, if he wants to stash it or spend it, his deal. If you want to put it on bills, cool. Good luck, money is a challening thing in marriage for sure!

my boyfriend doesnt, we are saving up for a downpayment on a house right now and almost ALL extra money goes towards that but we to treat ourselfs every now and then with a date night or new clothes or SOMETHING

My concern would be that he didn't share it with you and explain as he did after he got caught. He was being sneaky for a reason. Granted we will never know what the next person is doing, but if he is truly stashing for something that's going to benefit the marriage he should've told you, otherwise...I would keep a keen eye open.

My husband does NOT do this. He is far from perfect, but the money is my business. I see all of his pay stubs and checks that come in and simply let him know how much he has to spend for him during the two weeks. I do not control it or him, but it keeps our bills paid and working on our debt. I would be LIVID if I found out my husband had money and I didn't know where it was going. That's just me though. On the other hand...if he's using that money for you two, then I don't know that I'd be so upset.

My husband has a "secret stash". I know about it so I guess it is not really a secret but it is his and I never know how much he has. This is his system:

He takes a $100 out of the checking acct a week. At the end of the week any $20's get tucked away in a secret spot in his wallet (again not really secret but he calls it that anyways). All other bills and change goes into the rainy day bucket. Once he gets $100 in his secret stash he goes and gets something special - either for himself or a special play date for the family. The rainy day bucket gets counted every 6 months and that is usually his money for new golf clubs, guns, etc... or we use it for a getaway for the family.

When I found out about his stash at first I was hurt too. Kind of like - why do you need to keep this from me. If you want a stash just be open about it. So now I know and really I do not care.

I say let him keep his secret stash!

Good luck!

if it's only $20 or so a paycheck, then I say don't worry about it. What is worrisome is that he didn't tell you about it. I would sit down with him and explain that it's not the money, it's the secrecy (if it is) because in my book that would be the problem

We each get a bit of cash each payday that is our "fun money"...we can save it or spend it as we see fit.

That might be a better solution, if you both get a little money to "stash" each month.

Are your spending styles very different? Is he a saver while you're a spender? My husband's impression for many years was that I spent money like water. But when we measured out what I spent it on (diapers clothes for kids who were very tall for their age and always needing new, groceries, sports registrations, etc) his opinioni changed. I make him write out the checks for registration of activities and day camp (so we can both work) - that was he's very cognizant of how much things cost. We started using only the debit card so he could see that I was shopping at Target and Marshalls not Bloomingdales!

Many people have three accunts per family - mine, yours and ours - my sister does, my inlaws did. But my husband and I ahve only one set of books - combined chekcing & savings account at one bank. All pay is direct deposit - it's all "our" money. When my husband was a rookie cop and I worked full time as a VP in a financial services company I made about 4 times what he did, Now I work part time and he's risen through the ranks - he now makes twice my income. Either way it was always "our" money - not his, not mine - ours. It's worked for us and I think it's a good way to "tie the knot" more closely.

Is your husband stashing away money for boys-night-out at the strip club or for date night for the two of you? There's a big difference. And is it a couple of hundred dollars or a couple thousand? Another big dfference. It could be that this is just his way of having a rainy day account in case the car needs a new transmission or the oil-burner dies. You have a better idea of that than we do. If this has been his way of "forgetting" that he has the money and it helps him save for the both of you then don't get upset about it. But if you've only been married a year or two and he's stashed away a couple thousand dollars it would raise a red flag to me. Talking without accusastions is the only way to figure out what's going on.

Good luck!

I would be furious. I agree with you - bills need to be paid first! However, it seems there is a lack of trust or communication issue. He should be able to discuss it with you. I would be less concerned about spending the money on himself and examine why it was handled the way it was. I know my SIL can be overbearing/controlling and my brother tends to be less direct with her... obviously I don't know what the dynamic in your relationship is but I'm not necessarily going to put 100% of the blame on him with the limited information here. Good luck working through this one - finances are a tough subject!

I stash money for rainy days, but my husband knows about it and has since we started doing this. We do not put every penny towards our bills. I try to keep some for a nice dinner out or a movie every now and then. My stash is usually only about $100 but like I said he knows about it and were I keep it.

Maybe he's got a stash for emergency or so he can get you a gift??

I don't believe my husband has a hidden stash. He has a stash that I know about, but it's more for like when we need cash, so we dont have to run to the ATM.

I DO have a stash that he does NOT know about. ($50 or so) He's a super-tight-wad, so I keep my birthday money and any other money I get hidden away. I will buy myself lunch sometimes with that or sometimes get my son something that I know husband would fuss about spending his paycheck on (another toy or ice cream). I don't see the big deal. His mom and dad even told me "Don't tell G." because they know he'll just want to spend it on nuts and bolts or whatever else to build our house. When I get a gift card to Target, he wants me to go buy diapers. So I just don't tell him when I get such gift cards either.

I think he has learned that if he doesn't tell me what I should spend my gift cards on, then I will be happier, and also spend less of his money on new clothes and gifts for others etc

I have a slight problem with the "secret" part.

It all depends on his reason for stashing. I know plenty of women who stash just in case something happens to husband (she leaves, he leaves, he dies, etc).

I just don't think there should be any secrets in a marriage, money or otherwise. But, that is my opinion and may not work for everyone.

How did you find the stash? Was husband "hiding" it from you? What is his reason for not telling you? If he is simply creating an emergency fund or something similar, there is no reason you shouldn't know about it, unless he thinks you have a spending problem. Really talk to him about his REASON for hiding it - that is what matters.

And wow - you are super behind on bills and he is stashing money? Maybe his secretiveness is the reason for your mess in the first place? Or at least partly to blame? You both need to be on the SAME PAGE regarding what goes in and comes out.

As you said, Pay yourself first. Money is pretty tight in our house, but we have money diverted automatically into savings every week (granted, it's not much, but it goes in there like clockwork) AND "fun money" (cash) for both of us every week. It sounds like your husband is just doing a "fun money" system....he just started it without telling you. That kind of stinks but it's not the big of a deal. Now's the time to open up communication. :) Good luck!

My husband has told me that several of his friends either hide money in a savings account. They don't tell their wives how much they actually make. He says they do it because they feel their wives spend too much money so they want to put some aside for when they need it and don't tell their wives so they won't spend it. I told him if he ever did something like that I'd divorce him. Just because I'm a stay at home mom does not mean I shouldn't know what's coming in to this home and how much money we have. He actually thinks it's stupid and asking for trouble because the wives are eventually going to find out and they are going to be pissed.

I don't know about other husbands, but I am the one who takes care of the bills and my husband just forks over everything.... I have a separate account that I put my money aside in or some of his money too... I set it aside because my husband spends money if we have it so I save it away for emergencies or for something fun for the family or for a date night. It doesn't matter how much bills or money you have (we don't make much) but you have to pay yourself first and as a mom you need to go out once a while and pamper yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive but if you are always taking care of everyone else... who is taking care of you?? As for the money.. it really just depends on the dynamic of the family... it sounds like he wants to be able to have date nights or do some fun things and he knows you will spend all on bills.. I wouldn't worry about it.

I personally don't see a problem with it, but I am the one stashing money. I may use it to pay an unexpected bill, or to buy something that we need as a family. It is not just spent on something that I want. It give me a sense of security. It is not that I am trying to get stuff behind his back necessarily....

I know you have enough responces here but...I have to admit...I am the money stasher. He knows about it and once in a while he finds out how much we have. I have business accounts for my direct sales business he can not toutch, cash stashes in the house, joint savings account he could access but never looks at. He gets cash from side jobs and he gives me some. He spends his on lunch out during the week and dinner out with the family. I save most what he gives me. If I did not, we would never get ahead with anything we are trying to do. Like a new patio we just had poured, I was able to pay cash. I think about it like this...we have to budget with what we get monthly. If the regular pay checks don't support cable, then we don't have cable. Some might call me crazy cause I have money in the savings but if I use that to live it will be gone in no time. One day I will be able to tell him we have enough for a down payment on a second house. That will be fun! :-)W. Ps. I do things for myself sometimes...like dinner and drinks out with the ladies, pedicure a couple times a year, etc.

I haven't read the other responses, but can tell you men love having cash. My guy has a "slush fund" of about $100 which he keeps in an envelope under a drawer. I know it's there, he knows I know it's there. He uses it for the occasional meal out, lottery tickets, the strawberry farmer that comes door to door once a month, incidentals at the store or whatever. Unless you're talking thousands of dollars, I wouldn't stress about it. Like you, I put all my money in the bank and use it to pay bills. I use my debit card in lieu of cash because it's easier for me to keep track of my spending. Having said that, there are times when cash is necessary so I'm glad he keeps that stash and doesn't care if I "borrow" from it once in awhile. If you're really interested in "paying yourself first", set up a savings account and put a little in it every pay period. We keep a coin jar for our loose change. When paying with cash, we never pull out coin, but use bills. One to two times each week we clean out our pockets, wallets, etc and put the change in the jar. Our net each month is $30-$40 dollars which goes into a saving account. I wouldn't stress over your husband keeping $20 pr pay period for himself...just look for creative ways to save, and do it together.

Didn't spend the time to read all of the responses, but my husband and I have always maintained our own seperate savings accounts as well we have a joint account and joint checking. We pay ourselves first, put money into the joint account to pay household bills and if there's any left over it goes into the joint savings. It works for us. During the first part of our marriage I paid all of the bills and he gave me all of the money. That was because I was not working, but going to college full time, and he understood I was much better at stretching a dollar than he was. After watching and learning from me about 7 years later, he took over. I suppose sooner or later it will be my turn again. We both work now, and I'm less concerned about money. If I ask he tells, and the same goes for me. I think your issue is that you are behind with bills and that is the stressful part. I know it was for us when he was putting me through school and at the end of paying bills, he had like $20 to get him through to the next pay check. That was actually depressing to my husband, so let yours have the money, but I don't think he should be "stashing" or "hiding" it.

It sort of comes across to me as stealing and being sneaky. It would make me wonder what else he's up to that I don't know about. My ex husband did things like this and it made me just not trust him. We are now divorced. My husband now doesn't have extra money that he takes out. We have 6 bank accounts between us. We each own a biz and have a biz account and each a personal checking and savings account. I pay all the bills from his personal account because he makes way more than I do. We both just buy whatever we want, but within reason. I mean, I don't go out and a huge shopping spree without first talking to him about it and NEVER if the bills are behind. It *appears* your husband just wants some extra money that he has access to that he feels he can spend on whatever he wants. I would be ok with that but just make it clear to him that he isn't to "sneak" it and that it should be a dollar amount that you both agree on. Good luck.

No I would have a problem with that. Is it $20? $100? I would be curious about the amount. My husband and I do not hide money from each other. But we hide money from us together! We have several savings accounts so we put it all over. This is different. Is this to buy stuff for himself? What if the kids need something, will he cough up some money? Yep, I wouldn't be happy with this.

My husband and I don't fight about money (unless he spends $3,000 on a BF's Bachelor Party, and now he's only allowed a certain amount of cash when he goes to those and Mama keeps the cards).... I know he's done it and hey so have I. If I know I'm having a girls night soon or something, I'll pull a $20 cashback from a couple grocery store trips. Not often, and not very much. I'm sure he wouldn't even mind if I told him. I actually think what your husband is doing is kind of sweet.

Is money something that you have always felt stressed about, or is this just a short-term issue because you are having financial problems?

If you are worried about the money, why don't you put together a plan to get caught up to date on bills (maybe you could do some side-work?) and then address the "extras" question.

I think it is healthy to have a little "set aside" from your spouse that you can use without discussing, especially for gifts and stuff. It provides a sense of control and independence.

I think you should do the same thing, not because it is tit-for-tat, but because you need to learn to be OK with taking care of yourself. It sounds like you are putting yourself last all the time. Maybe people keep giving you gift cards precisely because they want you to spend the money on you?

My husband would stash money so I wouldn't know when he was going to strip clubs behind my back. Not saying thats what yours is doing but I work with all men and they all have a "stash" the older guys use it for food, drinks, gas, but thie wives always know how much they have. the younger guys use it for things like my husband. As long as he is honest with you about how much he has and does not lie about what is for your good.