Husbands Support in Our Marriage....

Are you still going to counseling? It would be good. And you could discuss some of the books ideas there.
All marriages are busy when there are little ones involved. Love changes and grows over the years. Don't confuse "busy" with "love lost" but DO make time for you & hubby as often as you can. Everyone needs to stop being "mom" at times and be the girlfriend!
If I asked my hubby to read a book--it would collect 6 inches of dust! He's just not a reader and will never be.

Hi M.! If he is fibbing in counseling and blaming it all on pregnancy hormones then you need to address that. Part of counseling is accountability, and he needs to realize that telling the truth and facing his responsibility in marriage is a LOT more satisfying than passing the buck.
Counseling works, but both parties have to be honest. Did you tell the counselor that you felt that he was avoiding the truth?

I do love the 5 Love Languages book. Instead of having him read it, mabey you should let him know what your top two love languages are and he can read up on that.
Marriage isn't 50/50 or 75/25.......it's 100/100.

Just because he doesn't pick up the book when you want him to, doesn't mean that he isn't interested in making your marriage better. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you are looking for him to show you that he is paying more attention to your marriage. Besides reading this book, what other changes or additions have you made with your behavior in your marriage? What are you doing differently? The only person that we can change is ourselves. Perhaps he will begin to engage differently if he feels you reaching out more? Men have a tough time with therapy (for the most part). It may be too much to ask of him to read that book right now, but perhaps scheduling some time for you both to reconnect a bit, would be a good idea. Do you have support in the area? A babysitter? Do you stay home full-time or do you work?

I think if your looking for any book to give you the answers you've missed the point. Ok your having 2 kids w/in 2 years of each so he must have felt the " love" at some point here. I've been married 13 years and every marriage has high and low points. You have not mentioned how he is fibbing. I suggest you sit down and talk to him yourself and not use a go between.

just do the best you can. Read the book yourself, everyone can learn something helpful from the book. Apply some of the ideas yourself and see what responses you get from your husband. Every marriage goes through lows and sometimes it just takes one to change things the way they are and the other may follow the signals or changes. Marriage is work and what works for some relationships doesn't work for others. We have been married for 18 years and have made changes throughout the years to make our relationship stronger. Sometimes it was just me making time and giving hubby more attention when he walked in the door with a hug and smile. Don't complain about how your day went when he walks in the door, that is the #1 downer to walk into when they come home from work. They have usually had some event at work themselves that didn't go well and just want to come home and relax a bit before being bombarded with other events that may have gone wrong.

The 5 love languages is a great book and you will learn a lot through reading it. I also bought that book and our Sunday School class at church was teaching on it so that probably helped a lot hearing other stories from other couples that related to that chapter in the book. My husband didn't read it either but I applied some of the ideas and he learned a lot from attending the class. Maybe your husband would sit with you 10 minutes each night and you can read it to him or read it together and discuss the pages read in that amount of time. Maybe read it first and highlight some ideas you liked in the book and share those few thoughts with him or just try some ideas and see what works to get his attention.

What I have learned that works a lot through marriage, is always think about what you can do for your spouse and not so much about what you will get in return. What I have seen not only in our marriage but others that if you think of ways to make your spouse feel wanted or included then he will try to think of ways to make you happy. The thought of treat him like a King and he will treat you like a Queen. The main thing is forget about "I" and think about "we". Most marriage problems are from thinking I and being selfish instead of thinking "we". Also communication problems so keep talking and thinking of ways to get his attention in a positive way.
Think of ways to spark that love again. Go out at least once a month on a date with your husband without kids and don't talk about the kids or home life while on your date. It's the small things that really make a difference.

What do you do as a couple? My hubby and I have had a standing dinner date every Saturday night for the last 28 yrs. It's our time to reconnect and talk about anything or nothing at all. We also take a family walk on Sundays which included the kids when they were younger.

Before you put a book on the counter and just expect him to read it because you think he "would at least give it a shot," you should pick yourself up a copy of Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. You have to go into the book with an open mind, or you'll feel like she's just "taking his side." She makes a lot of really good points when you look at things from an objective perspective. Read this book, and re-evaluate your frustration. :)

Girl, i know how you feel! We adjusted great after our 1 st baby-but after #2-it was so challenging and i-like you-felt like our marriage took the back burner to everything else in our lives. I Am not sure if you have any other major issues in your marriage that you need to address also but for us-it was just-working opposite schedules and hardly seeing each other, and so much or=f our time being consumed by the kids that we were SO tired that we both just felt like we didn't have the energy for "us". So i sat my husband down one day and had a real heart to heart conversation about how i was feeling-because i felt alone, i felt that the time we were home together was just us passing by each other due him trying to get something down and me too, etc-and we weren't making the effort that i really believe is ABSOLUTELY neccessary in your marriage. I don' texpect it to be perfect and a bed of roses but i don' t want to get complacent in my marriage either because one day-the kids will be gone-and it will be just him and i- and i don't want to wake up to a stranger.
So i just told him that we cannot afford to be lazy in our marriage anymore and make a serious, serious effort to find a sitter AT LEAST once a month if not twice. And-like you-we re-read The 5 Love Languages-we already had it from our pre marital counseling but i actually think my love languages have changed.
He has got to want to do this with you though and while i think you should encourage him and let him know how absolutely important this is to you-do not sugar coat your feelings-you cannot ultimately make him do it. And if he isn't willing to try- i say you go to the counselor by yourself-because i think you need to do all YOU can to make you marriage what its supposed to be so that you can say you have done everything you can-and hopefully he wants the same thing you do......it can be very hard. I have been there (and not that long ago) All the advice i have given you are the things i did and i found once i told my husband all my feelings he was shocked and felt SO bad because i think men are comfortable with "routine" and sometimes dont notice that we are feeling neglected or just kind of "blah". Hope this helps-good luck. Love Languages is such a great book and easy read. We have also read His Needs Her Needs-by Willard Harley Jr and its pretty awesome too! Good luck!

I was at Goodwill last week and came across "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I bought it because I had seen it mentioned tons of times on this website. Anyway, I'm a newlywed so I don't feel like my new hubby and I are having any "issues" but I don't ever want to! My last marriage was not good and I will NEVER go thru another divorce. So I have been in the process of reading it and it's very good. Although I feel it sort of leans more toward SAHM's. Anyway, I think it would really help you and its an easy read so you aren't bored with it and put it down and not pick it up again. I hope you get it and check it out. Good luck!

You don't mention anything here about it, but do you make time to go on dates with him?
That way the two of you can be alone and chat? DH and I try to do this at least 1x/month, really for our own sanity. We also take long weekends a couple of times a year, but we're fortunate to have granparents that will watch the kids for us.

I guess, you have to make time for yourselves, together. Sometimes an open and honest conversation, potentially over wine :) is better than a counselor or a book.

It's so easy to get lost in the day to day. You have to remember that your marriage needs some attention to. One of the most common things I hear and read about with parents is how the husband ges neglected. Not necessarily sexually (although that's often part of it), but he misses YOU. Laying on the couch and watching a movie. Or giving him a hug when you pass by. We forget that our men need us to be close to them and to be physically affectionate too.
Just my 2 cents.

I sit and read in the evenings after the kids are in bed, while my husband surfs the net...and then read "interesting" parts of the book to my husband..and ask what do you think about that??

We actually took a class using the 5 love languages book and I don't think my husband ever even looked at the book...I read and then we talked then we went to the class. I don't think men really like to read stuff about feelings etc.

I just read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, because is was causing such an uproar on here a few weeks ago...I wanted to be able to form my own opinions. I would read parts of that to my hubby and ask what he thought.

I read Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus out load to my husband on a road trip.

I personally don't think it is a reflection on him as not wanting to work on your relationship, but just being a "guy". Maybe you could offer to read him the chapter about what your primary love language is...then tell him which one you think his is and then read that chapter and then you two can talk about it.

Don't put feelings into his actions or lack of actions that isn't there. Sending you a hug!!

You can't. He has to want to all on his own. If you push too hard, he will reject anything it says anyway because he felt pressured to read it. So he will rebel.
Just drop the subject, quietly love him to the best of your ability, and treat him like you want to be treated. No strings attached. If you are a Christian woman, pray for him, but don't preach to him.
This kind of gentle love has brought many a man back around to falling madly in love with his wife again.
Just have patience.

Many husbands struggle with accountability...many men are trained by their mothers to be OK with a little white lie here and there, while many girls are trained to be "good," which means responsible and trustworthy. It sucks. I've been there, I know.

What worked for me was an ultimatum. Your man needs to realize that he cannot walk all over you by lying about you and your relationship, and thinking he can slide on through this marriage by just being absent and lazy. You are worthy and valuable, and you contribute tons to the relationship just by being a mother! When I got into a similar rift with my husband, I told him he needs to be present in our relationship or I am calling a lawyer and getting a divorce. Once before, after over a year of me stating that we were in trouble, I sought a counselor and he refused to attend with me, repeatedly, until I stopped going to. Our problems escalated, and I had had enough. This ultimatum scared him into shaping up. I told me that I would not be seeking a second counselor, since I did it the first time and he arrogantly refused to come with me. He got us a second counselor and we went. Things are not perfect, but they are getting better. It made me realize that I was wasting too much time of the illusion or the "supposed to be" of my marriage, and not looking at the real picture. Sure, for all of us, marriage is "supposed to be" about equal partership, fun, love, respect, and mutual support. But mine was not, and I was refusing to accept that. When I accepted that, I was able to make a clear-minded and reasonable request of my husband. It was harsh, but it had to be done. I am young woman and I don't want to waste my life away with a man who does not even care about me. I am sure that you don't want that either.

I say, be bold, and make that ultimatum. If he loves you, he'll get it together. On the other hand, if he really doesn't care, that's OK...gather up your little ones and move on. You'll find a man who will care for you one day.

You can tell him how important it is to you that he read it and ask but that's about it. If you push more he may not read it at all. Really you can only tell him the issues you feel are there and how you would like things to go and then you have to work on your own to do what you have to do. You can't make a husband do something he won't do and you can't make him love, help, whatever. Just won't work.

I don't know what to tell you except to say that it is pretty common, and good for you for trying to work in the issue. I think it is good he went to counseling, my husband wouldn't have even done that. It is hard when you feel like you are having to be the marriage counselor in your own marriage.

The only thing I can say is to try, sometime when you are both calm and have time to deal with the problem, to tell him how you feel and tell him what you want him to do. You could do this in a letter or in a conversation. Start out saying something nice-- you appreciate all the work he's put into this already (even if you have to grit your teeth to say that), that you feel like you guys are on the right path, but you want to make the relationship even better, etc. then tell him how you feel and what you want. Good luck!

I can't believe I'm on "his side" on this issue! BUT, just because you bought a book for him......DOES NOT mean he has to read it! He's not a child.....& as an adult human - is not obligated to do what you want him to do. You are not his mother, you are not his employer.

Take a step back, look at your relationship......& where do my comments fit? His fibbing/lying is what a child tries with their parent.....& isn't that one of your complaints?

I understand your concerns, been thru this myself.....& with anniv #29 approaching later this year.....we certainly have been thru years of ups & downs, trials & tribulations, & lots of times when I just want to knock him out! BUT we work our way past these issues & find a new common ground.

My husband is a diabetic heart patient. The meds result in ED which means we've had to adjust our love life. This is just one more "negotiation" in our lives.....we have approached this from different aspects & are working toward good solutions. & that's what a working marriage is: you each have to plan your path, converge, & then move on together. You do not have to "do" the same things to achieve a happier level in life. Sooo, maybe, let him chose his own path ......& then, just maybe, you will be able to achieve a happier life together! I wish you BOTH Peace.

Is your husband normally a reader? I have gotten my husband books that I thought were important (this being one of them) but he never read them. It took me awhile to realize it wasn't that he thought it wasn't important, he's just not a reader. He's an auditory learner. I usually read before bed, so I would comment about what I was reading to him to get him to discuss things with me. And I would flat-out say, I know your love language is gifts, but mine is touch so please give me a hug when you come home from work and a kiss goodnight every day. He's better about it, but it's still something I have to ask him to do regularly. Hang in there! It will get better!