I've been married to my husband for nearly 11 years, we have 2 kids.
I've never learned to handle money and did get into debt about 4 years ago. Before that, I've been living paycheck to paycheck.
My husband makes about 3 times as much as me working in law enforcement and being retired from the Army. I never told him about my debt, because I was embarrassed. He pays all the bills (mortgage, utilities, car ins, health ins etc.) and I pay everything for the kids (daycare, clothing, toys etc.).
Our relationship hasn't been the same since 2 months now, bickering, fighting, no sex or anything else. He's told me he's so mad at me because he's sick of the mess in the house (which I can't understand because according to my friends our house is far away from being messy), but then again, he's been in the Army and has a extreme sense of cleanliness. So I told him to let me know when he's not mad anymore, so we can make love again. Well he didn't say anything for 2 months.
Then on Labor Day Sunday he told me he wants a divorce. I was shocked. He said he had seen a psychiatrist a couple of times now, since he feels stressed out lately and it turns out he's got a major depression. He's not happy in his life anymore, he hasn't been for years now and he doesn't love me anymore. He says he loves me as the mother of his children in his head, but in his heart there is just emptiness. I was floored.
We talked a lot and it turns out he has several issues with me that made him fall out of love with me.
He's asked me all through our relationship to go back to school and get a higher degree to get a better paying job. But I never did. I did a lot of research on it, but I never did go through with it.
The mess in the house drove him nuts.
My spending and not saving, him having to pay all the bills by himself frustrates him.
And then the sex issue. When he's mad at me I don't want to sleep with him, but he thinks I don't love him anymore because of that. He said he has to take care of himself (his health and well being) now.
He said he needs me to move out and already made a list of when the kids will be where. After all that I told him that I never thought that I've hurt him so much, that I never wanted to hurt him (he developed an ulcer and a kidney stone) and I've always loved him, still love him and always will. He started crying so hard, I've never seen him cry so bad. He was sobbing and that means a lot because he's a real tough guy. He asked me to not talk about it for a couple of days and we'll see where it goes.
That night I was laying in bed with him and when I woke up he was cuddling up on me. We have a king size bed and we both sleep close to the edge on our side and he hasn't cuddled with me for over 2 months. Monday I left him alone and he cuddled up with me again. Just cuddling nothing else. On Tuesday I started talking about it again and he said he hasn't changed his mind. I said "Do you know that you've cuddled up with me the last 2 days in bed?" and he said, no and that he didn't do that.
What the heck? Is it his heart playing tricks on him? Is there love left in his heart, but he just doesn't want to admit it?
I had a long talk with a friend who is (I didn't know that) going through a similar situation at the moment and that helped me a lot. I've made my decision. I am trying my hardest to be civil with him, help him out as much as I can. We sat together and made a payment plan and with this I know I'll get rid of the debt in no time. I've got information from a friend about going to college and that is going to be the next thing I'll tackle.
I started to think about my appearance too. He met me when I was 125 lbs and a fun girl to be with. Now I'm 190 lbs and don't take good care about myself anymore. Yes, I've had two kids, but I've always wanted to be a hot and desirable mommy and wife. Maybe that's part of his problem too? So I am going to start a workout program and the diet has already started (lost 6 lbs since Labor Day).
I don't know if it will make a difference for him, make him change his mind, but I'm going to try anything I can to get him back!
If you have any advice, any comment, it's greatly appreciated. Sorry for this huge post.
PS. He's not always been this way. He's not a dictator, perfectionist yes, but not a dictator. All he's asking from me (except for the clean house) is validated in my eyes. These are things I've always wanted for myself too. I hate my job right now, it's super stressful, totally underpaid and unappreciated. I want to be able to afford things in life, I never wanted to struggle financially. It's not that my husband doesn't want to share his money with me, I don't want him to, because I know that I haven't learned (yet) how to handle money. I want to look and feel better - for myself! All the changes he's asked me to make for so long are things I desire too. I just couldn't get my butt up. Now I'm at the point I should've been years ago, but now I'm worried it's all too late.
Any comment on the cuddling thing?
See if you can get marital counselling through the army and dont give up. If he has depression that taints and skews how he sees everything. Does he has ptsd? Just cuddle back if he cuddles with you.
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Tell him you are not doing anything else until you have both attended marriage counseling together and had a couple of sessions with his current therapist together..
Marriage takes work. If he is depressed he is not himself. I have been through depression and it was very difficult to find the energy to share life with anyone else.. Yes, If I could have demanded everyone dance how when, and where I wanted.. I STILL would not have been satisfied, because I HAD to tell them to do it my way.. Does that make sense? I could never be satisfied..
Depression is an illness just like any other. It cannot be solved easily.. There is work for everyone to do..
If you love him and are willing to do the work. Try everything. You do not want to leave this relationship unless you can honestly say you tried everything.. That way you will not have ANY regrets..
I am sending you strength and peace.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I've known couples with serious marital issues considering divorce who had good experiences with a Christian program called Retrouvaille http://www.retrouvaille.org/.
Even though one of those couples still wound up divorced, the wife was still glad she went.
I'm glad you are trying to make positive changes in your life. Definitely don't move out of the house right now. Hope and pray for the best but prepare for the worst by talking to a good lawyer about your options, and maybe even line up some counseling for yourself.
I am finally coming out of a long depression. To be honest, I would have dumped my husband had it not been for a child and the financial burden having two sets of bills will bring. It took more guts to stay and work it out than divorce ever would. I would ask your husband to hold off until his depression has been treated. He should NOT be online or in real life talking to other women. He should put up a wall towards moving on to another woman. You are still married and all the problems and feelings he has will go with him, even if some hottie temporarily misleads him. There is a chance, but you both have to try.
I highly suggest marital counseling. That's what helped my husband and I get back on track. As for the cuddling thing, he may remember it but just doesn't want to admit that he needs you. Yes, affirm him and cuddle back. Everyone needs a hug. Research has shown a person needs 12 loving touches a day to be happy.
Yes, it does sounds like he wants you to step up and that he's frustrated and tired but don't beat yourself up. You've had to deal with everyday stuff and life just gets in the way. You can only do one thing at a time. Sounds like you are already making steps to fulfilling your goals.
The fact that he is requesting for change means this is not the end, in my opinion. He cares enough to want you to improve your life. How the both of you deal with these changes is something a psychologist will be able to help with. Getting counseling will help you communicate without getting frustrated and get both your needs met.
I got help for depression myself and yes, depression does change your perception of things. Everything just irritated me to the point that I thought I would lose my mind if I stayed with my husband. I have seen a big change in my marriage for the better after I got help for myself and went to marital counseling with my husband. I wish the same for the both of you.
I hate to be harsh but I think you are on the right track if you are going to get yourself back in shape and congrats on losing 6lbs already! I would guess that since you gained weight you havent been yourself and he wants that "you" back. I know if I gained a lot of weight, even tho my husband loves me to bits, it would bum him and me out. I'm sure the sex is hard when you get really overweight and things just go down hill from there. I gained about 20 lbs since the good ol' days... and I felt crappy and felt like he was embarassed of me, and he was (I've since lost it and feel great!)... Men are very visual, they like their woman to look good... it's just the way they are and it turns them on.
Now, I'm not saying lose weight for him, lose it for yourself and you might find you don't want him around anymore after being treated this way. But-- Marriage is work, so you go through a rough spot now and then. You both need to sit and really let your feelings out and then REALLY do something to change the rut you are in. He sounds like after he unloaded on you it sort of took a burden off of him and he became more cuddly. I bet he's afraid if he's too nice you will just stop trying to get back in shape so he's staying distant to see what you will do. It is a childish, lame way of communicating but it is a form of communication nevertheless.
Get yourself back into a size 10 and you will both be happy.
I know a lot of people will hate this post but I do believe I'm right in this situation. I also want to say that this isnt all about fat, I'm sure there are other things that you both have been needing to work on in order to make your marriage better. My hat is off to you for loving a military man, I know they can be very eccentric at times.
It sounds like you have hurt him through a series of things and he has failed to communicate those things to you, and has also probably put too much emphasis on them. And he has failed to communicate his depression issues with you as well.
It sounds like you truly love each other, and I suggest you also get some counseling individually and together. This does not sound like a hopeless situation, and I think if you two really work on it then you can have a very successful marriage.
Definately read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, I think it could really help and do those things that can improve your life. Not so much for him, but for you as well. It sounds like he is giving you an ultimatum... I think if you two read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue together and did the little daily challenges and both took it seriously, I really think that would help.
Remember to forget about the past, and to move forward to the future... hand in hand.
Edited to add:
One other thing, it sounds like this is not an equal partnership. Money should essentially be shared between couples. This whole his money/your money is pretty unhealthy and a family budget needs to be discussed. And so should chores... especially since you are working as well. What makes him think he deserves free time and perfection when he comes home from work, but you don't?
It seems... that your Husband wants you to do as HE wants you to do... and if not, then he will leave you.
That is a "Dictatorship"... NOT a "marriage".
It is unfair.
He is not "knowing" you and respecting you.
MAYBE the only way he will be satisfied.... is IF you do EVERYTHING HE wants you to do.
That is how it seems... as you describe it.
He has many issues... and is Depressed. So, well, he isn't thinking logically nor about you. It is about HIM. Only.
It is nearly impossible... to "satisfy" a perfectionist.
It is nearly impossible to satisfy a "Dictator." Because as soon as you do do, what they want... they will again, not be satisfied and will mount MORE 'demands' on you. It is endless. People like this CANNOT be satisfied....
I know people like that. And used to know people like that. It is an impossible feat, to satisfy them.
They do not like, 'liking' the other person... only criticizing or belittling other people.
Take care of yourself... KNOW yourself... and the difference between real caring and manipulation by an Egocentric selfish person.
BUT, he does not know how to cope, with HIS depression... this is his issue.... and, although he may be trying... the 'responsibility' is not all yours... it is shared. That is what a partnership is.
He cried... so he does 'feel' about this.. but I guess, he can't handle his life anymore or his Depression...
Maybe he needs meds?
AND go to Marriage counseling.... both of you.
All the best,
Susan
Love is not a feeling-you don't fall out of love with someone. It is a covenant between you, him and God-not to be broken. It is actions and a decision to stick it out throught thin and thick, ups and downs, ins and outs. It is happy/sad and everything in between. Go to counseling to a Christian, get help and stay married.
Pay off your debts and learn to live on a budget. Also a good book for both of you is "His Needs, Her Needs and the Five Languages of Love. Most men need validations and women need help so they can feel sexy and have time for cuddling and sex.
I hope you both can make this work.
Praying for you.
Hang in there. I think with some counseling you guys could make it through this. Try Dave Ramsey to get your money on track. Read his books and go to his Financial Peace University Class. If you go together, that will put the 2 of you on the same page money wise. As a married couple, you really should have shared finances, but that's not going to work unless you are on the same page. Keeping a debt from him is lying and should not be tollerated in a marriage. Even if you keep your money and he keeps his, your debts are both of yours because of your marriage, so he's still responsible for that debt, if you needed to get a loan for some reason, that debt would come up and hinder your loan. You need to apologize for that.
Realizing you want to make a change by going back to work or working out is great if you are doing it for you, you shouldn't have to do it for him, but maybe this is just the jump start you needed.
It almost sounds like he's lost respect for you, not love. If you were going to go to school but never followed through, if you are supposed to take care of the house, but don't seem to follow through, then maybe he just doens't really believe you anymore and it's hard for him to respect you when you don't follow through with things.
The cuddling could just be habit, or his want to be close subconsciously but consciously he's still mad. I wouldn't read too much into it.
wow seems like you have it hard well i have a similar situation. i was 15 when i met my husband he was 25 at 16 we had our first baby and at 17 we had our second baby at this time i'm 19 his 29 and with two kids we do have a hard time because he is the only one that works because i have to stay with the kids we have a hard time with money he comes home fustrated and every little thing makes him explote i keep my house clean eventhough it's hard keeping it that way because of the kids well he gets mad over the littlelest things iif i leave my brush were its not soposed to be,if he finds a toy on they floor. and he won't talk to me for like two to three days for no reason and when i try to talk to him he tells me that i don't work that i don't pay bills and its not fair because i do alot i get as tired and fustrated as him i don't go out i don't have fun because it's always him and the kids but to make ends meet and to take a bit of stress from him i found a job and it's hard but it helps. so maybe you should try your hardest and make a sacrifise and help him somehow.
I think what you are doing is great. If you have ever read the book "the proper care and feeding of husbands" it says to do EXACTLY what your are doing now. It is the best book I have ever read and I truely believe that it can save marriages. It did mine.
Keep doing everything you can to show him how much you love him and if he wants something done, give it to him. You will be surprised at how quickly he will return the favor.
That book I am referring to states it pretty simply how to fix your marriage. It says men like to be the heros in the realtionship. Treat him like one. Compliment him, tell him how great he is, how much you love and appreciate him, and how you can't live without him. Act like you did when you were dating again. Think about all of the things you do now on a regular basis and ask yourself "would I have done that when we were dating". If the answer is no, you probably shouldn't be doing it now. Think about how you would've acted when you were dating if he would have made requests to you. You were probably so crazy in love with him you would've jumped off a bridge if he asked you too.
I think that if you start thinking that way and acting accordingly, you will see a big change in him.
Good luck!!!
Well the cuddling is a bit odd, especially b/c he's doing it involuntarily. I'm sure he still has feelings for you, it's just hard for him to sort them out, especially after he finally let everything off his chest. I think you're on the right track to change some of those things that are bothering you in your life, but I think you need to ask him to go to counseling with him, assuming he's still going. If he isn't, then ask him to go back and you go with him...preferably to the same person. I hope for your sake it isn't too late. You just have to try and it sounds like you're ready to do that.
I know this is a late reply to your question, but I just responded to your new question & then saw this one. I do have to say that hiding debt is a serious problem. My husband & I are on the same page financially, 100% communication. If he ever hid debt from me, I'd be upset beyond belief. You really need to be open & honest with him about everything. Also, regarding the weight, a husband should love his wife forever, through weight gain, wrinkles, gray hair, etc. However, since he is an army man, he is probably very disciplined. He may see your gaining weight as a lack of self-discipline.... Maybe he sees that you weren't like that b/4 and you have changed (yes, kids totally change our bodies...but as long as we are working towards being healthy, it's okay). Maybe he is thinking you & he are not as similar as you were before (he sees a messy house, he sees you not losing weight, he sees you not furthering your education). I don't know how young your kids are...if they are very young it is definitely too high of an expectation to want you to be slim & trim & working on another degree. He may have unrealistic expectations at the present time. I'm just trying to give some insight on what he may think.
