Reconciliation with Husband or Just Wishful Thinking?

I remember you last post. Again, I think he has depression which is why he wants a divorce and why he is cuddling and not finishing. I would almost suggest hiding the divorce papers in the garbage can : ). I think he is confused about what he wants because of the depression. Can you slip some vitamin b-12 and vitamin d into his food?

He SAID he wants a divorce.
But 'feelings' do not just go away over night.
NOR do sex urges.
So there is a conflict.

Its not fair, that he is stringing you along.
That is emotional manipulation.
Meanwhile, he is STILL getting what he wants... a divorce and you in his bed. And sex. Great.
But he still wants a divorce and is hanging that over your head and its sitting on his desk.

WHY... do you 'not dare' ask about Counseling??? Why walk on egg shells around him?
WHY are you scared to ask him what the hell is going on?????
You deserve to know what is going on.

good luck,
Susan

Hello,
I have gone through the exact same thing you are. I can only tell you what was going on with us when this type of thing happened.

Your husband likely feels a HUGE sense of relief with securing and filling out the divorce paperwork. In other words, he no longer feels the weight of "having to make the marriage work." He has come to a decision (to get divorced), knows what the next step is and feels like he has an "out." That translates directly into "no more tension" and therefore sex (and cuddling) is easier and perhaps even better for him. It does not translate into "let's stay together because things are all right now."

Be careful of this confusing behavior. It is not meant to be manipulative, but at this point it is likely just sex for him. Men have a very different outlook on sex than women do. He may feel like he is "owed" this sex because of the difficult twists and turns the marriage has taken. He may not even be aware that he is operating on this level and would deny that the sex means little to him other than just a relief valve. He may also deny this because he KNOWS that would hurt you.

Here is what I would suggest. NO SEX with him unless the relationship you are in with him is absolutely committed to resolution and staying together!!! Period, end of subject. If he withdraws from that and becomes angry and defensive, you have your answer. It was just sex and he still wants out. If he tears up the divorce papers and commits to therapy, then you can start rebuilding your marriage.

The fact that he has you scared into even asking says that he is emotionally in control of your relationship. That is not a good sign. You need to assert yourself, DEMAND the answers that you are entitled to and then either move on with your marriage or move on with your life. This calls for putting on your big girl panties and not allowing yourself to be used as a sex toy.

PS - I would stop sleeping in the same bed immediately. That is a mixed message to both of you. He needs to take the couch. He is the one that is leaving, not you. Good luck.

Sorry I haven't read the other answers so this might be a repeat. I would suggest you keep on doing what you are doing for yoursel personally..college finance job etc. Keep working on your personal happiness and strength. And see a counselor on your own who might help you figure out what you need to do. You should have access to an employee assistance program through your husbNds employer. It should
Give you a handful of free counseling sessions.

I would have a conversation about this. It isn't fair if he is stringing you along. It is one thing if he says he is reconsidering, and wants to see how things progress. You can then set your boundaries. Otherwise, this is sounding a bit like a booty call. Yes, he is cuddling, but I would talk to him before making assumptions.

Dear Mom and Wife,

I am sorry for what you are going through, you and your husband are having a difficult time that doesn't need a decision precipitately. I read your first post and now this one. All I can see is that you husband seems depressed and stressed a lot, and probably those things he doesn't like (you being overweight or a "messy" house, etc) make him more stressed and impatient.
I see that he loves you very much, he thought about a divorce because he cannot think of another solution. The problem is more than a messy house or your debt, this goes beyond or is just too much for him to deal with it. It is a great thing that you are changing for the best your "mistakes".
I would not push him in to having sex, he needs the cuddling and he needs you. Let him be for a few days, but later you HAVE to have a dialogue with him in a nice, sweet and honest way. Tell him that you love him and you are willing to keep working on the things he doesn't like; ask him if he needs anything else to reconnect with him. If you have something that bothers you from him, tell him in a sweet way that the same way you will be making efforts in changing those things, it would be very helpful that he would be willing to do the same (only if something is really bothering you about him, if you are OK with his way, and nothing is bothering you, then better) Keep yourself strong and confident, nice and attractive. Find the way to keep the house clean (get some bins and put those things you don't have the time to organize there for a quick pick up stop,lol!, take care of your debts and just buy the necessary) Let him know that you are working on your problems. Show him a lot of support and if you love him very much, be patient. Counseling would be very helpful. There are men who accept this kind of help and others not, only you know if he is one of those who would accept external help or not.
I am strong believer that the pillar of a home is the woman not the man, YOU are who is going to change everything.
I wish the best for you and your husband,

Sounds like he is having second thoughts. But I wouldn't force him to show his hand just yet. let him be and continue to work on making things better. He probably doesn't know what he wants and if you force him to decide he may snap out of it and continue with the divorce. Of course you can't go on forever like this, not knowing, but let it rest for a while. He's probably sticking around trying to see if you are serious about changing to make things better. So show him that you are.

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about this because he's giving you mixed signals. I know that you want to reconcile, but at the same time, he can just be confused. I was engaged to my ex-fiance and when we broke off our engagement, we went through something quite similar. I moved out about a week after our engagement, but we kept talking, and our talking session usually ends up with us having dinner, watching a movie and/or having sex. And mind you, we had an amazing sex life. The point was, I thought we were "working it out" and reconciling, but this was not how he was feeling. I have no doubt - in his heart - there was is a part of him that will always "love" me, but he was no longer "in love" with me. Those nights we had was just "comfortable". (sorry to put it so bluntly). They were something that he wanted at least "for that moment", so he can feel how it did feel when it was all "right". At least that was exactly what I found out a full year after our engagement was broken off. Yes - I was "that" girl that kept going back to him for a full year hanging onto the possibility of what if? and maybes? It then took me another year and a half before I really moved on. Talk to him, ask him what's going on and stop leading you on. It may hurt more in the moment, but in the long run, at least you know what's going on. I wish you luck.

why are you "dancing to his tune"....why is he in charge of your happiness?

this goes beyond love, this goes beyond marriage. You are allowing him to control you.....even down to the completion of the sex. & honestly, is it just foreplay & no actual intercourse? Isn't that cruel on his part? To get you all riled up & then refusing to take it to the limits? & the whole "holding you tight" .....that also falls into the whole control mindframe!

Based on his unhappiness with you (your appearance, etc) & this sex control act, .....please begin making decisions for yourself. Take back control of your life. Stop being scared, afraid to broach sensitive subjects. As another poster said, seek counseling....there should be something available thru your health insurance.....& there are womens advocacy groups out there which are also free. Seek this help for yourself. Do not wait for him to give you the green light........

I know this all sounds harsh to you. BUT, ultimately, you are responsible for yourself. Successful marriages are based on equality, with both partners secure in themselves. Once you achieve that, then hopefully, your husband will find that too......allowing this marriage to move forward. His control has you standing still. I wish you Peace.

Sorry Im late on this, I havent read your responses, but judging by your updates, it seems like people are being very judgemental. What do they know anyways? Hes your husband and your not even sure whats going on. I am so sorry you are going through this, and it does sound like he loves you very much and you love him too. I hope and pray that you guys can work it out. {{{Hug}}}

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Is counseling a possibility, both individual and as a couple? I know it saved my marriage.

The cuddling makes it sound like he's re-considering. The not "finishing" sex is a little worrisome though. That could be caused by something emotional he is or is not feeling. I would try not to pressure him. If he was 100% certain, the papers would already be signed. Just try to be patient & see what happens. I wish you the best.

He is cheating or has feelings for another woman. I have been thru a similar situation. Start living your life to make yourself happy and let nature take its course. I never was one to support divorce unless dire circumstance, but after doing everything possible to try and salvage a bad marriage... I am divorced and happier than I have ever been in my life. You dont supply enough information for more thorough advice, sorry!~

I don't have an answer but wanted to give you hope and know that I wish you the best