Husbands That Don't Want to Talk

Hi, didn't read all the responses, so this may have been suggested before.

While you're waiting for a retreat, there is a game that is wonderful.

It's called The Ungame. A woman came up with it when she was told she was losing her voice permanently. She realized there were all these questions she wished she'd asked, stories she wished she'd told. She started writing the questions down and came up with this game.

It's wonderful at getting people to start communication. I've seen the quietest people open up. I just had company, and we played it the first night, and every night after they asked to play it again.

It will probably be a challenge getting hubby to make time for you to play, but it's a great tool.

Good luck!!!

P.

Hey, I know this is a late response but I have been through that. Two weeks ago I got so mad I slammed the fridge door and everything came crashing down on the kitchen floor. I guess I just had enough. My husband even said I just don't want to talk right now. Well, I guess I just lost it finally. I cleaned up the mess and super glued the shelves back on. My husband has been talking to me more. I guess he doesn't want me to break anything else. I am usually not like that but it just bulit up after 5 years. It is hard to be married it takes a lot of work and we both work at it but I like to talk about things or talk about nothing.

I don't have any really great fixes but I can offer a little understanding and empathy. My husband works outside the home and I work from home doing in home daycare. He has a great need for alone time and I would like to be with him a lot of time that he is home. My only suggestion is to find something is common that you like to do and kind of "trick" him into talking while you enjoy this common thing. I find if I give my husband a little time to himself he is much happier and willing to help and spend time with the kids and I. Hope this helps and if you need to talk send me an email.

Dear A.,
I have learned that marriage isn't and cannot be a power struggle. Instead, it is a massave upward climb in a learning curve! It's so important to do anything you can to understand how men work, and how women work on a generic level, and then specify it down to how your husband works, and then how you work. "Work," meaning... what makes you tick, what your needs are, etc.
I once heard that you can't expect your husband to be your everything, and I have learned to agree. There are some things you need that only a friend that is a girl (how women work) can provide. And you can't make your husband feel guilty for not being able to give you those things or else it'll create distance. One thing I've done to suffice that need to talk and relate and mull the day around is to join a book club, go to the local library once or twice weekly for reading time with my kids, make friends at church, and join a couple of playgroups. I have made sure that I get out of the house in some way every single day for an adventure, an errand, or just some me time. Strangely, it has lessened my need to HAVE to talk to my husband about any and everything. Instead, I am content to just read as he watches t.v., paint my toes while he watches the game, take a hot bath and shave during the golf whatevers or political debates on t.v.... and all of a sudden, I've become interesting again!
THEN, he turns off the t.v. and asks about my day. I'm able to tell him that after feeding the kids a super healthy breakfast and shuffling everyone in and out of the tub, we went to the library for reading and craft time and hung out with some fun moms and kids, came home for a nap and some laundry ("see, washed the sheets, can you smell our new detergent? not that you care about which detergent I use, but I was excited to sleep on a lavender vanilla smelling pillow myself...") and the rest of the day was playing and cleaning, but those are just the daily details you don't need to hear all about. Well, I need to go to bed if I'm going to get up and have another big day with the kids. Enjoy the game honey!...
I'll crawl into bed all clean and shaved with cute toes, minty breath, etc. and be totally happy and "UNneedy" of him in ANY way... and all of a sudden, the t.v. is on mute or off, and I've got his full attention. He's telling me about his day, and wants me to pay a lot of attention to him in a lot of ways!
It might take a couple of days in the beginning, and sometimes it'll work and sometimes it won't. When it does, it's kind of fun to see it work. When it doesn't, I'm ok because I usually am exhausted and am ready for a great night's sleep! If he doesn't want to talk and I have a need to be close to him, I'll get in my jammies and just snuggle with him and fall asleep while he watches the t.v. And, I've had lots of chances to convers with others throughout the day and don't necessarily need to feel myself talking with him to end my day. However, there are those days when I need his full attention and to feel like it's an understood time for it. We go out on a date EVERY SINGLE week, the end. It's both of our night to look great, eat great, have great conversation about anything besides our "daily jobs," and see a show or play a sport together, etc. It has done so much for us.
The only other thing I would recommend, aside from reading "the 5 love languages," is to read a book called: HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. And, do everything in your power to make your spouse happy. Meet his needs, love him, adore him, make sure the house is great... and then you can expect the same in return. If you aren't doing what is important to him on a regular basis, how can you expect the same from him? It's amazing how your needs will be magically met when he is taken care of. Love him, applaud his efforts in your behalf, and like the girl said in one of these responses, have more sex. I bet the t.v. will turn off if you walk out of that bathroom wearing something more interesting than a basketball jersey!
There are ways to get what you need out of your marriage without forcing your husband to give it to you. And, it's more satisfying to get those things, when you don't feel like you've forced your husband to give them to you.
Perhaps you could go and buy some awesome scented oil during the day, and offer to trade back rubs with him while you are watching t.v. WITH him, and then feet, hands... you know.
I wish you the best of luck. Know that every married girl in America has a husband she is trying to figure out, or has had to figure out. It's worth the work. I can absolutely relate to your story. But just don't get down or think less of yourself. Just think outside of the box to accomplish this goal. You'll be great! And, keep us all posted as to how it goes!!

Dear A. and other responders,

Even though the “Husbands that don’t want to talk” posting is over a month old, I felt compelled to read through all 67 responses. I don’t know how many will even see this posting, but because so many women echo the same sentiments I must offer one other SUPERB book and share a testimony to what “saved” my husband’s and my relationship. I believe it can help every one of you who struggles with a “silent partner,” and will help your husbands, too!

The book is “Why Men Don’t Have A Clue And Women Always Need More Shoes” and is subtitled, “The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex.” It IS the ultimate guide to teach women to understand men (and vise versa). A couple – Barbara and Allan Pease – writes this book so it contains both the female and the male perspectives. It was published in 2002 and became an international bestseller, so I was SHOCKED to not see it recommended. It is FUNNY and is an easy read. It was recommended to my husband and me by a wonderful (psychological) counselor, when (about a year after our marriage, in our late 40s) my husband began experiencing depression (3rd bout in his lifetime, 1st with me.) My husband is a typical male in that he only makes conversation about things that have a point (no “talk-for-the-sake-of-talk” like many women, including me) and that are “well thought through;” how different is that from many women, me included, who speak “off-the-top-of-our-heads and “in the moment”? During his depression, he became either (1) completely silent or withdrawn or (2) subconsciously, was demonstrated behaviors that were DESIGNED to cause me to get angry with him. [We learned that this was because he did not “trust” the happiness of our marriage. (He had a string of failed relationships stemming from unresolved childhood issues, including an alcoholic mom). Total trust in a partner and in the happiness he had found was something he had never experienced in a relationship. So he had set about the task of triggering behaviors in me that would end the relationship, in such a way, that HE would not have to take the blame when it came to what he anticipated was an inevitable end! Whew the mind is a funny (not ha ha) thing!].

The point is, whether they are your husbands, fathers or sons, men ARE “wired” differently from us. The sooner that a woman and the men in her life understand these differences, the better. Expectations of each other will change, benefiting both, and you will both be happier.

Now here is the advice that I did not specifically see from those recommending books: Read them TOGETHER! Definitely read THIS book together! Our incredibly wise (Christian) counselor suggested that we read “…A Clue…Shoes” aloud, to each other, and discuss our perceptions or the truth/reality of what we were reading. WOW! Reading this book together turned out to be both enlightening and enjoyable. It will also help both sexes to be more self-aware.

Prior to reading this book, I was not nearly as aware of the importance of language and of how I “phrased” statements to my husband. Men are “doers.” The way I stated things - that I simply wanted to “make him aware of” – he interpreted as me wanting him to “fix.” The book is loaded with insights that will blow you away; and, if you are both diligent and up for some challenging work, you can improve your relationship significantly. Relationships are not easy and do require work; but what a huge sense of accomplishment you both can experience when you see the improvement take place.

I always thought I was a good listener until I went through my husband’s depression and our counseling. I was NOT a good listener for the following reason: I was compelled to REPLY to everything he said! I simply could not sit still and listen to him, for what seemed like an endless period, until he finally completed expressing his feelings/thoughts. The entire time he was talking, my mind was racing about how to “embellish, counteract, applaud, or dispute, etc.” every statement he was making. Our counselor, the “…A Clue…Shoes” book and a LOT of prayer has helped me to see why he didn’t see any point in talking to me anyway: he couldn’t win. There was no thought that he had that I didn’t feel compelled to add-on to, or rebut, with my feelings. What I learned is that everyone, men and women, need to be heard without qualification. I identified sooo much with the counsel that you received from Ranette, who said, “maybe you need to practice "listening" to your husband” and Kristina, who said, “Over the years I have had to learn to listen to him. There have been times when I have literally bit my tongue and drew blood to keep from interrupting him.” Bravo, Raynette and Kristina! I have also learned to listen to my husband, thankfully early enough in our marriage to miss years of “self-imposed” unhappiness. I also applaud other counsel you received from:
• Suzi – “marriage isn't and cannot be a power struggle”
• Caroline – “You really need to tell him how you are feeling. He is not a mind reader…”

One of my CARDINAL RULES for marriage is “turn about is fair play.” Anything that you consider doing should be completely acceptable when done to you. All of the advice that suggests that you manipulate him, go on strike, find other male friends, and even the well-meaning “trick him into talking” just makes me sad. Do YOU want to be manipulated, tricked or have him find a female friend to “talk to”? I say, “NO WAY!”

It took more than a year of work, but my husband got over his depression completely with the help of good doctors (treating chemical imbalances in his brain) and Jesus Christ’s intercession and healing. As we worked through his depression, we started reading the Bible together, attending a Bible study together and, perhaps MOST SIGNIFICANT, we started praying aloud, together, on our knees, at night, before going to sleep. When you are genuinely honest before God (and you CAN’T hide anything from Him) then you find that you are not hiding anything from your spouse, either. This includes wants, needs, hopes, fears – everything! Complete honesty is the ONLY way to build lasting trust in each other. We have learned that a rock-solid marriage must be based on the “Solid Rock” - Jesus Christ. Coming closer to God, through Jesus, was KEY because we were given patience for each other’s “short-comings” and discernment of God’s direction/plan for our lives/behaviors.

You and your “silent partner” are in my prayers, A.. I am also praying for all of you other hurting women that contributed to this posting and express a similar problem. God Bless!

K.

I know this is late, but I wanted to respond.

You have been given so many extremes.

I agree with Kristen, have more sex. It really is amazing how this changes (improves) the relationship. The endorphins certainly change a man's perspective.

I agree with the others about the Five Love Languages. It's good to know what fills your husband's tank. Read the book.

I would suggest going to the Weekend to Remember conference together. I believe it's put on by Family Life Today. It's in the Bay Area every spring. I think they do one in Monterey in the fall. We did this in 2004. While I saw my husband have an "A ha!" experience, not a whole lot changed immediately. It helped me see my role as well.
This past summer we went to school full time together (8-5 every day for 6 weeks), and that was truly a bonding experience. At first, I thought "Am I going to be in a car with a silent carpool partner every day, and in class, and at lunch with someone I can barely have a conversation with?" Somehow, the time was such a blessing. It was like we were dating again. That helped us a lot. This year, our relationship has improved and we talk and do things together more often.

So, after the conference, find REGULAR time to be together. Maybe a walk, bowling, lunch, dinner. Whatever...and I like the suggestion of just sitting next to your husband while he watches - even if it's only 1/2 an hour. Eventually, he'll say something.

Pray for your husband. The Power of a Praying Wife is a good book, too!

May God richly bless you and your marriage. Keep your chin up, and get involved at church to get your social talking time in with other ladies!

Have more sex. Seriously. Men need to be physically intimate in order to be intimate emotionally -- and women are the opposite, or course! Looked at another way, we compliment each other :)

Unfortunately women in this culture generally assume that men are just out for pleasure, and don't understand that sex does for them what talking does for us.

Boy does this seem like a common concern..... I was married for 26 years to a man who was quite. He did not want to talk either...but you know what I discovered..... He really did not want to be nagged.

Do we nag women.... I don't nececssarly belive we do intentially, but we tend to talk, talk, and rarely listen to what our partners say. I can't remember where I read it, learned it...but women use 4 times as many words per day as men. We are so much social creatures and our intimacy is based on conversation. Men on the other hand base intimacy on doing something with someone.... Let's ask ourselves....are you intimate with each other? I don't mean just sex....I mean are you working, thinking and feeling that you have a connection.

This group is mainly for women with children and raising childer takes a lot of work, time and sacrifice which can make a diffrence on the realationship between a husband and wife. My advise for you is to.....back off on the talking and start listening. Ask him, tell him.

Honey, I have been sensing and feeling that we are growing apart and that you have some things on your mind....but not sharing with me. I'm concered because I love you and miss the time when we used to _____________, Fill in the blank. Most couples can remember when times were better, when you connected and talked.... What happened since then.

And then take the time, make the time to spend 1 night, afternoon a week and have a date. Do something just together. Learn to do something together. Even just have a beer and together on the porch in the evening.

I see many women each week that are looking for the same thing....how can I connect with my partner. I'm not a marriage therapist but do work in sales of sensual products. I do parties for women and share romance.

You can not make anyone talk to you...and it is definatly a poor sign when couples are not talking and connecting, but you can get help. It just takes some time, patience and a true concern for the other person.

R. Haynes
Romance & Passion SeXpert
Passion Parties Consultant

I would like to give you a little encouragement when it comes to having a husband who doesn't seem to say much. I have been married for almost 15 years to my wonderful husband. One of the qualities I love so much about him is that he is such a great listener.
Over the years I have had to learn to listen to him. There have been times when I have literally bit my tounge and drew blood to keep from interupting him. I have even put my hand over my mouth to keep from interjecting.
I recommend that you really give your husband your undivided attention when he is speaking, and make sure he knows it. Focus in on him and what he is saying, try repeating to him what you hear him saying and then thank him for sharing.
Give him the praise for when he does talk or share. If he has asked you to do something for him, by all means make sure you do it. I know that this can be hard. I have two boys ages 13 and 11 and this is our 7th yr to home educate.
But, remember our relationships with Jesus come first, then our husbands and then our kids, and then our friends.
Hope this helps. It is just a few things I have learned in 15 yrs. My husband too doesn't say much. But when he does, I know I better pay attention because he just might not say it again.
If you want me to share more, please let me know.

I think many of you ladies are forgetting one thing... OPPOSITES ATTRACT! Which is probably why you fell in love with him in the first place! You like to talk and because he doesn't, he listened, and that felt really good to you, didn't it? but over time, you start to realize that with all your talking you missed out on one thing.. he is not talking back! now about now some of you are thinking I'm pretty cocky right? well I am in the same boat! I loved how I could just go on and on about just about anything and my guy would listen for hours without butting in... Well that should have been a red flag for all of us! Now that we are married he still doesn't talk but now he doesn't listen as good either! My advice ...pick up the phone and call a friend ,or your mom, or talk to the dog! He is not a talker and nothing you say or do is going to change that for more than a day! When I want my husband to open up to me, and I gripe.. I get maybe one or two quick conversations out of him and then a "How's that?" they can't change to please us! get used to it, and call one of us mamasource ladies! Heck we'll talk to you, and you better be ready to listen too! this whole response is written in jest, no matter how painfully true it may be!

Hello A., No this doesn't sound petty. It is serious. You could be telling my story, which didn't end on a happy note. How can you work on a marriage if there is no communication. I've been divorce since 97 after 16 years of marriage to a man who was completly closed down to the kids and I. He is still that way with us. But was able to go on and get engaged 3 times and married once since then. Which means he had to work at those relationships. Your marriage cannot survive this way. I just don't know what the secret is to get a man to see what he is doing to his family. Try asking him if he slacked off on his job the way he is with his marriage if they would continue to keep him in his position. Ask him what is more important to him, his job or his family. Let him know that it takes two people to work on a relationship. If both aren't giving 100% then the marriage is non existant. Remind him of the vows he took, and ask him why he married you. Let him know that he is teaching his girls what to look for in a man for there own futures, by observing his behavior with their mother. See if there is a comprimise, like "I'll give you your evenings with no interuptions, if you sceduale us into your life". Let him know that so far he hasn't even given his family even scedualed appointments so far, let alone actually being a part of his own family. Ask him why he is so distant with all of you. What does he need? Then let him know what you need, and what his daughters need. Explain that he is being selfish by only thinking about his needs when he is the head of his own family. Explain that it is hard for you and the girls to look up to him as the man of the family, when he refused to fullfill that role, and that you would love it if the girls could idolize him, and you could hold your head proud because of the man he was being. Keep in mind, just like with kids, it's not the person who is bad, but the behavior. Let him know that you still love him, but because you do, you want more of him. I wish that I could have recognized when I was were you are right know, and realize how severe the situation was. I kept telling myself that is was a stage, and that he would get over it. Now I wonder if I could have saved the marriage by addressing it, rather than sweeping it under the rug. Good luck to you and the girls. My heart goes out to all of you.

Hi A.. My husband and I are in charge of the marriage ministry at our church so I have a passion about this. First of all, NONE of what you are saying is petty! A marriage is supposed to be a wonderful relationship between a woman and man where you can share your thoughts and feelings and enjoy spending your life with your best friend. I have read both The Power of a Praying Wife and The Five Love Languages and both sound like they would help you. Also, you may want to just be honest about your feelings with him. Tell him how you feel, but don't point fingers at him telling him what he's doing wrong. Focus the conversations on your feelings and maybe use a word picture for him. Basically that means you want to think of something that is important to him and try to think of an anaolgy so that he can relate somehow, then share what you are feeling. That way he is hooked into the conversation emotionally first before you share what you fell. I hope that makes sense. Ask for God's help and He'll never fail you! Take care!

A.,

My husband and I have only been married for a year and a half but we have been together almost six years, living together in our first home for three so take my advice for what it is. First of all, it is encouraging to see you seek advice for your concerns instead of just letting it go. Many women let these (seemingly petty) issues go and then find themselves in a very unhappy dis-satisfactory relationship with their husband after the children are grown. I, like you, are also a talker but realize that alone time and down time is very important for everyone including myself. Your husband may be experiencing a variey of things causing his behaviors. First of all, never assume the worst of the situation but don't be naive either. Keep communication lines open with him and don't "nag" him. Always state your concerns and feelings and ask what his are. When he tells you, repeat what you are hearing back to him to make sure you are understanding it the way that he wants you to. For instance, ask him for a little bit of his time when you guys can discuss some things that have been on your mind. Make sure he understands that when you talk to him you can't have any distractions for this conversation (maybe a date night). And then tell him that you understand that he is tired and needs down-time when he comes home but when he is reluctant to talk to you about anything it makes you feel lonely and sad. Tell him that you are only telling him this because you want a rewarding relationship and want to be a positive role model for you children. I suggest not throwing accusations or hurtful comments out but rather looking at the situation from a blank slate and then working out a solution with him that involves both of you (maybe he can do an activity when he gets home to help him relax or he could walk home from work if he lives close enough. He may also like to shower and clean up before he spends time with you and the children.) Maybe there are other things bothering him that you just haven't been open enough to pick up on... or he is shutting down on you. I made it clear to my husband before we were ever engaged that communication is a fundamental to every relationship particularly a marriage therefore he had to learn how to communicate because he was horrible at sharing his feelings and reasons for his moods. It took us a lot of time but we worked through it and have a very strong relationship now. Let me remind you that both you and your husband will find life to be much easier if you share the burdens. You may want to remind him too. Hope this helps. I have so much to say that I am not sure that I got it all out or that it even makes sense.

My husband of a long time doesn't talk either. One thing you may want to think about is whether he may be somewhat depressed. It's especially hard to talk when you're sad or preoccupied. I think that even though you get out, maybe he needs to be pushed to get out and EXERCISE - I mean really exert some energy, build up steam, and then he may talk some. Also, there are certain foods that seem to trigger happier moods (citrus fruits for one, chocolate for another.) You also don't mention if he has friends to talk to outside of home. Once someone's in a groove, I'd bet he doesn't talk to anyone and it's sort of a rut. Even if he doesn't have a local friend to talk to, see if he call call someone emotionally close to him and make a ritual of it. The truth is that talking is healthy whether it's to you or to someone else. I've found that I get the residual benefits when we (as a couple) reach out to others.

We've done counseling and it worked well (Westminster Counseling Center in Mpls), I've read books, and I have wonderful girlfriends and even a couple of guy friends. No matter what I do, if my husband is in a no-talk zone, I have to accept it. It's not worth fighting over. (I feel for the lady who said that she sort of "blew" after 5 years/ I know I do that, too.) It feels awful, but I rationalize it and say, well, it's only once in 5 years (or 5 days or 5 months or whatever.)

Other self-talk that helps me is to remind myself why I stay married and that there are good qualities that outweigh this annoying part of our relationship. He's a good dad, there's no substance abuse or other women, he doesn't waste money, he truly does care about me, is attracted to me and wants me in his life. I do get twinges of jealousy when I see couples who are obviously emotionally and spiritually connected, intertwined as one. And I feel guilty that I'm not more satisfied in my marriage. Then I pray for forgiveness and move on. One last book that I found/find helpful is the Purpose Driven Life with a workbook. There is some reason why you are where you are - and maybe it will take 50 years to actually figure it out. The fun thing about long-term relationships/marriage is how they actually do change and evolve. If you ask anyone married more than 50 years how their relationships are, you may get some very interesting feedback. Now, there's an idea for a new book!

Good luck and blessings to you. Melissa
p.s. My husband is not a practicing religious person, so I'm in that part pretty much alone, too. Retreats, etc are not part of our solutions, but we've done well in spite of it. Last night we had a discussion about Q-tips vs. generic ear swabs. :) good things can happen when you look for them!

A.,
Wow!! I'm kinda stunned. Does he do stuff w/you and the girls? Does he talk to the girls when he comes home? Have you actually sat down between him and the TV and said "look, I'm not the enemy,but you need to talk to me about this stuff"? Bribe him like you would a child:"I need 5 mins of your time then you can go back to watching TV." Explain to him that you would also like to sit and vegetate for awhile, but sometimes it's impossible. Does he share in any duties at home? Would he keep or watch the girls while you go out?? Is your relationship 50/50?? 60/40? 100/0? These are important questions, make sure he understands how much YOU give!!
Good Luck!
R.

Write a letter to your husband at his work address. Start the letter with "You mean the world to me". Let him know you appreciate that he is such a hard worker, a good husband and a great father. Also that you appreciate that he wants to make life easier for you and the children. Then tell him how much you miss his company and would like a "date" night once a month maybe. Do not talk about his work unless he brings it up! You get more flys with honey!

If he does not acknowledge the letter, try to develop friendships at your church, your daughters' school, attend a local community college (that's what I did) to learn a new skill or language. Best wishes!.

I can definitely relate to you. We have been married for 20 years, and have a son, 16, and daughter, 13. I don't work with my husband, but he is very busy, leaves before 8am, gets home after 6pm, works many hours, does community service, as well as he is a Mr. Fixit, so he gladly is always helping family and friends. I work part time, and am the one who does most of the errands and taking kids places, etc. We also spend alot of time in church activities, and are on-the-go people on weekends too. It seems that all the things around our house are always getting put on the back burner.

I'm a talker too, and mostly the time we get to talk is when we are still busy with our kid's activities, or in the middle of eating, or getting the kids to do their stuff to get to bed at a decent hour. I feel as though I talk his ear off, but it is the only time I can talk to him. He always listens and responds as if he is, but alot of times, I know it is going out his other ear. I have even brought up something days later, and he has no idea what I am talking about. He jokingly says he has selective hearing, but I think it's true alot of times. I have even been talking to him before while laying in bed, and he actually fell asleep mid-conversation.

I have come to the conclusion that it is a man thing. They don't mean to be like that, but they are. We try to have date nights when we can and he is very good at taking me on weekend getaways for birthday, anniversary, etc. This gives us time to talk without all the business of life going on.

Also, I am not very good at taking time for me, as most mothers are. The older I get, I realize I need to take more time for me, things I enjoy, do things with friends, etc. I feel the more me time I can fit in, the happier I am, and the household goes more smoothly.

Also, I think we wives just need to pray for our husbands to be more understanding of us and be better listeners, as well as us be more understanding of them.

God bless families everywhere,
T.

Hi , Honey, ( you seemed so sweet and sad!)
I too am married to non talker-I am also a BIG talker! My mom and her "girlfriends" say if you want someone to talk to call your girlfriends! Men generally aren't conversationalists by nature. Make sure he just isn't depressed or something too.
M.

I have a husband that is very much the same way.

I just read a book which I found very fascinating called "The Five Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman. Sex is a by product of people caring about each other. If a woman feels she is not getting what she needs, she feels unloved and even less likely to want to have sex with her husband. One of the love languages was Physical Touch which all men thought to be sex. It is isn't though.

In the book he talks about women who are on the brink of divorce and Dr Chapman got them to try to find the primary love language of their husbands. When that was being met many husbands started caring about the primary love language of their wives. Sounds to simple and in it is. It totally surprised me. In the back of the book it has a quiz that will help you and your husband to find your primary love language. I was really surprised and not surprised by mine.

It might be worth it to read this book. I found it very fascinating.

A.,
Does your husband have a history of conversing with you, maybe when your were dating or just married or has he always been a man of few words?
As an admitted talker, maybe you need to practice "listening" to your husband. It may take a while since he is probably not used to it. It could be that when he says he does not want to talk, what he really means is that he doesn't want to listen to you talk. I am not trying to be mean. I am a talker myself and it takes a lot of disipline to give someone who is not a talker the space to formulate their thoughts and express themselves. I think many men respond to "sound bite" talking.
Practice using the fewest but most expressive words possible to communciate. Last resort, ask about him. Everyone, especially men, love to talk about themselves! Good luck. I feel for you.

I've been married to a quiet man for over 19 years and we've got a great relationship. One book that helped me most was written by a guy named Gary Smalley. He's the most terrific author regarding relationships. The latest book I read is called "Connecting With Your Husband". It's a very small book and doesn't take long to read. I got it from the library, so it doesn't cost you anything. It packed a punch with the information contained in it--along with a little humor. I've been a stay at home mom for more than 15 years and boy, do I understand what you're going through! Keep your chin up and God in your heart and in your relationship. It'll all work out if you work at it.
S. B.

My husband doesn't want to talk business wiht me at night either. Maybe you two should "schedule" a meeting every day at 4pm say over the phone if you have to. You can then get your questions answered he is still in work mode and when he comes home you can just relax and be a family.

My husband when he gets home just wants to be out of that mode and a family guy because he is so stressed and over loaded. He needs to release of letting it all go at the door step unilt the next day. I understand both your sides! good Luck

I have to admit I'm confused. You moved to help with a family business, yet there is no family where you moved? Whose decision was it to do this; is the business a part of your husband's dream for himself or an obligation he feels trapped in? Does he interact with your children at all? Does he ever do anything that is fun? It is very possible that he is a functioning but depressed. Or...was he always this way but you never noticed? You need to insist on a time to have a heart to heart, face-to-face discussion, during the day, without the distraction of your children and find out what's going on with him. And don't talk, listen.
You may need to get a counselor involved, even your family doctor. You need to find out what's going on with him so that you can make good decisions about your next steps.

Ask if he is willing to read through "His Needs Her Needs" book. It is wonderful. Several couples at our church have been through it and love it.
I will pray that he will be open to it.
M.

What you are saying is sooo common... unfortunately. I think you've gotten some great ideas... the books, the counseling (we've done it a couple times for brief periods, and don't think of it as a negative, more of a 'wake-up call'), the activities. In all the books I've read about relationships over the years, the one thing that sticks with me is that men are more likely to open up if you're 'doing' something. Get a sitter once a month, (or once a week!) and go bowling, take dance lessons, or just a walk around the block. The conversation will come. Generally to sit and stare at each other and have 'talking' time doesn't work for a lot of them (mine included). Also, I remember from Mars/Venus, men do need their 'cave' time. (However.... not every night of the week, constantly.) He should agree to set aside time in the house too with no TV/computer... even if it's just 5-10 minutes. That little bit of time can make a big difference. If you are Christian, do a bible devotion every night. (I also agree that you need friends and something of your own - a hobby, or something outside of the house - in order for you to have stimulation and interaction beyond him. We moved away from family too, but through the kids' school, and church, and neighbors, I've met people. Join a mom's group or babysitting co-op. Could be the best thing that ever happened to you.) Good luck. The important thing is that you both love each other and care about the relationship.

I hear ya! Seems like they can talk the ear off of someone else though right? I am looking forward to reading some of your responses. My husband is always thinking. I mean constantly. He doesn't always answer me which makes me nuts but I know he isn't just trying to ignore me. He is a good husband and father but it is hard to talk to him just because I can talk about anything but has to be something that is interesting to him. Facts. Women just talk. :) We are fairly new to our area too and don't have any family around. Where do you live? Maybe we are close enough to talk to each other. LOL Good luck.

I know this is late, but I have the same problem. I kept getting frustrated that we didn't talk so I was making him sit down and face me and have a conversation. It made him uncomfortable and fight it and I felt worse because we didn't actually talk about anything - we argued about not talking. Recently I came across this advice and it seems to work. It goes along with what others were saying - guys are doers. Find a time when you can do something together; I know it's hard with him working so much. If you are working on the yard together or driving somewhere together or bowling or something, that's when he will want to talk. Start by just talking about whatever it is you're doing (I'm glad we finally found time to weed the garden/It's a nice day for a drive/I haven't bowled for so long I'll be lucky to hit 100). Don't push him to respond, and be sure to leave plenty of silences so he has an opportunity to say something. It probably will take one or two times of this before he starts going, but eventually he will open up. There are lots of other things to say, but this is one easy thing to do and you've gotten lots of good advice. Good luck!

A., ... write him a note or a letter and tell him how you feel. Sometimes with the busy schedules people have these days, ... sorry to say but, this is a great means of communication. Even if he doesn't write you back, at least it does get things off of your chest and it actually does help you to feel better - believe me. Good luck.

I have been married almost 39 years and live with the same type of man. Before children, this wasn't the case. Over the years, my husband became more introverted, and I seemed to need more people. A couple of years ago, at the insistence of our grown daughter, we went to counseling. It didn't take long to see a change in our relationship. Although he still closes up and vegetates in front of the TV many nights, he has begun to talk more. After what I remember as the worst fight of our marriage (about a month ago), he has even begun helping with dinners and cleaning up the kitchen. (He is retired. I am still in a high-stress teaching job.) I think that airing our thoughts at the counselor's really helped him see my point of view and vice-versa. Since you are in a new city, try to get involved in activities that interest you. Have you checked out the newcomers' club in your area? Your church would be a great place for friendship and involvement. Good luck!

A.;
One important fact you must remember. A liar has to have a good memory or they will trip themselve up. Saying nothing is the safest way for one of your husbands calliber to go. Why so many moves? Why not close to other family members? Yet, you move to help in family businesses. Whose family and what businesses? Does two and two = four? Think about it.
Since your husband wants to spend silent time at home in the evenings - join a health spa - to get out of the house in the evening. Let your husband watch the kids for a change.
If you do this - listen closely - to what your husband has to say about the change in your routine. He may actually start talking and accusing you of his past actions.
One more thumb of rule ---- Still waters run deep and listen closely to what is not being said.

A....
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I was where you are about 8 years ago. We had just moved to Columbus from Texas...this is where my husband grew up, so he had his friends, his family...I had NO ONE. (I'm from CT.) He wouldn't talk to me, I felt isolated and alone, and all I had were my two kids, then just toddlers. I tried to excuse it, tell myself he was just tired from work, or I was just being too much of a nag. It nearly destroyed our marriage. We came SO close to divorce, as I began to feel more and more depressed. The threat of losing his family was what finally kicked him into gear. And I finally decided to do something for myself. I got a job, made my own friends, made a life for myself outside of HIS circle. That independence saved me from a lifetime of depression. And my husband responded to the "new" me. Now we are HAPPILY married, going on 14 yrs.

Don't make excuses for your husband. He shouldn't be neglecting you this way. I suggest counseling. A lot of times when men hear a problem from us it sounds like nagging, but when they here it from someone else, it starts to make sense. I suggest finding a male therapist.

And do something for yourself, so you're not so dependent on his attention. You need a life outside of being a wife and mother. There is more to you than just that. Feel free to email me anytime if you want to just hang out. I know all too well what it's like to be alone in a new city with no one but children to talk to.

Dear A.;

I have the same husband; are you sure we are not married to the same man? I have been married to him for almost 12 years and I find him quite exhausting. I never can have time for myself. I work 24 hours a day. I am not here to talk about myself; so here it is... Make him talk or you're going take the kids and stay with friends for two weeks. You need to put a little scare in him. Sometimes, they just need to be reminded that your important too. I blame the way my husband is on his family upbringing. He did not have much of one. You might want to think of why he is like this.

It's a work in progress.

R., a 42 year old mother of a 22 month old.

You are just as important as he is and sometimes they need a reminder.

My husband is not big on discussing personal issues but I hear about his job. Way too much for me at times but here is what I did! Found a few good female friends with children my kids age as well as older and younger women. You said you just moved again but look in the paper for a moms group, church group, or take your girls to the local park on a nice day. Sit down next to others and say HI!!! Get some friends and don't relie on your husband for your self worth. My husband is wonderful but he works night, sleeps days and has 1 day a week off most of the time and works overtime 1 - 3 8hr shifts a week. If I depended on him for conversation I would be NUTS!!! My 7 yro and 21 month old girls are fabulous but not big on adult conversation. Also find a reliable kid sitter and go out with a female friend for bowling and a sundae or something. My friends are my sanity and you need some local friends! A.

I think the only way you are going to get him to talk is to get into counseling. My ex husband was like this. It was way too lonely for me, and so I left after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but now I am married to a wonderful man who is outgoing and energetic. Although, I still talk more (LOL!)

You need a notebook to write down ?s you may have so that you can ask him during business hours. RESPECT that unless he takes the initiative.

SCHEDULE one nite a week or whatever, just for the two of you to go to dinner so you can just chat about WHATEVER. If the relationship is worth it, it's worth making the time and the effort.

hi, i am 29 almost 30 also and have two boys. 2-almost five. i feel your pain. me and my husband have been married since 03 and together since 99 . and o my he does not talk. he works alot and when he is home he does the same thing. when i call him at work he is busy. we have had the argument of. (you can take five min for just me . go into the bathroom and just pay attention to just me.) he says he is in the zone of work. he comes home plays with the kids, eats and sits in front of the tv. and i talk to the wall. he can repeat what i say but never does it feel like a conversation. my only saving grace is i have a lot of friends i talk to. but i still get frusteratated i want me time. i love him but i still get frusterated.

I know it seems like I'm perpetuating a sterotype but men are naturally tightlipped. I don't think they need to talk everything through like women do. They are more solution finders than venters. I agree with another poster that finding common things to do is a way to get him talking. My husband is the same. Right now while we're sitting in the same room after the kids are down for the night, he's playing x-box. He says he needs to unwind that's his release.

Well, I had a couple of thoughts... First I would start with showing your husband the above request. Make sure he reads it and not you reading it to him. This way he will know how serious you are that you need to talk. Then I would ask him to please let you know a specific time each night when you two could visit uninterupted for 15 minutes. Stick to your agreed time frame. You may even reward him in some way that he'll appreciate to thank him to give him added incentive. Also stick to this time, don't bombard him with any talk earlier if possible. Give him time to unwind when he gets home.
I can definately identify with living in an area and not having a support system. We moved here in 2005 from Washington state and I still get homesick, but it does help now that my boys are in preschool as I have slowly started to make friends with their friend's moms.
Good luck!

Hi A.!

I am so sorry that you feel this way in your relationship. its never fun to feel that you are not important.

My husband and I decided to take a marriage course through our church over a year ago. . .SMARTEST decision we ever made. And, not because our marriage was in trouble, but because we only made it better. The course allowed us to talk about everything . . .things we never thought about talking about before. It really helped with the communication.

Another thing you can try is asking your husband to set aside one night a week where he doesn't turn on the tv, but does something with you instead. . .my husband and I like to play card games. .its fun and gets us talking (and of course there is that bit of competition there too:) Just make sure that when you take this one night to devote to yourselves.. .DON'T talk about work.. .leave work at work. . ..if he feels you are only going to talk about work during this time.. he will not look forward to it and not want to do it.

Another thing you can try is learning or trying something new together. They say that this is the best thing for couples to do. It sparks that "newness" in the marriage and in the meantime you are learning something new. My husband and I started running in races together over the past year. There are 5K's all the time over the summer and so it gives us something to do together. Plus we are exercising, which helps us physically.

I hope some of these suggstions help. . .your husband may be stubburn about them at first, but give him a little push. . .I had to with my husband and he is so thankful to me for it now:) Just remember a marriage just doesn't happen.. .you have to work at it constantly!!

One more thing i just thought of. . .my husband and I will use the book called "If" somethimes. It is a book with like 1,000 questions about "what if's". It is very interesting and gives you something to talk about other than work and the kids!(e.g. one of the questions in there is. ."if you were stuck on a deserted island. . what is the one book that you would take with you?"

Good Luck!

Start the conversation with your husband about something he is intrested in then go from there.

This doesn't sound petty at all. If you haven't already done so, explain to your husband that you need him to talk. You'll have to tell him this isn't something you just want or would like, but is something that, for your well being, you NEED. Then put him into "girlfriend bootcamp" and begin teaching him how to be a good "girlfriend" to you. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and I'm still teaching him. Sometimes I have to tell him exactly what I need to hear at any given moment. Other times I will say, "You're not being a good girlfriend right now. I need you to express that you understand what I'm going through by giving me examples from your own life." He will then do his best to come up with examples from his own life in order to carry on the conversation in the way a female friend would. Even after all this time, he's still not great at it, but he tries and that helps. And as a side note, get the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. Read it then have your husband read it. It will do wonders to help each of you see from the other's point of view.

Dear A.,

You and your husband deserve a couples retreat! Somehow or other ask your husband if he will agree to go on a retreat. Think about it, cars, houses,educational institutions -- all need a tune-up from time to time. The idea of maintaining or upgrading to a vibrant, healthy relationship by having periodic tune-ups is neither new nor negative. Like a well-run furnace or an automobile or a household, regular check-ups, check-ins, or cleansings are vital to optimal operation, harmony and cooperative interaction between parts.

Couple retreats are an excellent form of marriage or relationship enrichment and such retreats come in many different packages. Some take place over a weekend and others are a one-day affair. Some, like the one my husband and I just attended, focus on couple intimacy and communication. Other couple retreats include a variety of couple and group activities, games, workshops, and opportunities for physical relaxation through massage or body wraps. Many skills and techniques for couple communication are shared.

Usually, there is no airing of “dirty laundry’ and the retreat setting often occurs in very appealing, attractive surroundings. Some retreats are open to couples who are married or engaged or couples who may be considering engagement or marriage or cohabiting. Others are for married couples only.

Whatever the form, a couple’s retreat is generally energizing and rejuvenating for couples, providing wonderful opportunities for re-connection and tools for healthier communication, financial management, conflict resolution and win-win problem solving as well as meeting other couples. Family and friends can purchase “couple retreat” gift certificates to give as wedding or anniversary presents or just to encourage a couple to improve their relationship skills. These gift certificates can pay for part of all of a couple’s retreat experience.

For couple retreats in your area: try the following websites:
www.dzfi.org or www.marriageencounter.net

Your husband needs to take notice. He is taking you for granted... You need to make him stand up and Pay attention!

The easeist way is to go on STRIKE.....do nothing and I mean nothing for at least a week or more. No laundry, childcare, work for him, cooking, housework, nothing. If you can arrange it, go home to visit and leave the children in his care. DO NOT get a sitter or any in home help.

Trust me, he will appreciate you so much more....my husband learned to worship at my feet and pay attention when I spoke.I went on strike for a month and he cannot cook or do any house work of any kind. Nor does he know how to pay the bills or do the banking.

A.,
Thank you for posting this question. I'm having the same struggle. I love my man, but have a hard time getting past his tough exterior. I have to say that I was really touched by Karen's response to you and I am planning to read her recommended book (long title with "...a Clue... Shoes." The end of her response was amazing as well. I, too, believe that marriage can be rock solid with Jesus Christ as the solid rock of your life together. I need to keep that as my focus. Marriage is tough, but we all need to remember that it's worth it to work hard at keeping it strong. Especially when kids are involved... they sure depend on a strong loving relationship leading the family. Okay, so I'm gonna get workin' on doing what I can to communicate with my hubby. Again, thank you for asking the question that I am sure many women needed responses to.
~J.

Just make a day to go out and walk around stores or whatever you want to do. Go get your hair done or nails. Tell him that on Saturday or what ever day isn't going to disturb work that he is watching the girls and you are taking a "ME" day. He can watch a movie or plan something with the girls. If he says something then tell him that he doesn't want to talk to you or spend any time with you that you are going out for "ME time". He gets his every night when he watches TV and doesn't want to spend time with you. Care givers are big on this so they don't get resentful and burned out. You are in burnout. Trust me I see it through your post. I care for my boyfriend with cancer and my son who has ADD. L.

Hi A.
Honey I don't know what to tell you because I'm in exactly the same boat!!!My husband is the same way and it is hard and sometimes my feelings get hurt easily especially if it has been a long day and the kids have been bad (mine are 2 & 40). The only thing I know is to keep your chin up, say lots of prayers.I have started making a life for me & my kids cuz it seems like my hubby never wants to be bothered. It really is hard when you don't have family around, but every night when I go to bed I pray that tomorrow will be a better day and that I will try to be a better parent, have more patience, etc.
good luck and god bless!!!!!!!!!

Hi A.! I think I know where you are at! I have a non-talker as well - can be very frustrating!!! And I like to talk but am not a big talker. My husband and I have been married for 10 years also and it seems like we have our ups and downs with this. Recently we went to counceling, we only did a couple of sessions and they seem to pay off. After the counseling it was pretty easy talking but after a while it seemed to get hard again. What I started doing is trying to calmly (this is key for me) let him know how I feel. It seems to have helped. My husband when he does talk he doesn't share a lot of info so I have to ask all the right questions, which is a pain I might add, but I'm learning. Another approach is to write him a letter and tell him how you feel.

Hope something I said helped. Good luck and if you ever need an ear I'm hear. M.

Try showing him this letter. doudt if it will get much response,because what he has going works for him. It will put your feelings out there though.Does he spend time with the girls? Let him know you can't do your part of the job right if he won't talk about it. Hes their parent to he dids to talk about the kids & be involved in their live, he can't do that if he isn't talking.

I am in the same boat! It has been that way through our entire marriage, almost 6 years. I hate to admit it but I have resolved myself to the fact that he is not going to change. I have spoken to him about it on MANY occasions and expressed the fact that being a stay at home mom of two little boys that I need him to communicate with me when he gets home. He works long hours in the sales industry, sometimes 14-15 hour days. He has told me every time I bring it up that if he has something to tell me or that he is excited about he will tell me without my asking, but other than that when he leaves his job he does not want to revisit the entire day with me. I talk as much as I can about the kids and I can usually find something they have done to get him laughing and open up the door to communication but know that work is off limits unless he mentions it and the subject is dropped when he is done. I have established one very good friend in the town we live in and am blessed to have her. She is in the same boat and instead of being single parents we do a lot together to ease the work of being on our own most of the time. We even alternate who's cooking since out husbands are only home for dinner once or twice a week. I hope it helps to konw that there are others in the same boat and I guess my reccommendation is to find a good friend that you can have that need fulfilled. And if all your good friends are in another town, pick up the phone, they might be back there missing you.

You've got TONS of advise..some I really don't agree with but others I do. I wanted to chime in on this one since I'm in the same boat. Opposites do attract...but at some point the man always had something to say, right?! I know for myself, it isn't that we don't have anything to talk about but work is work and stays at work - home life is home life and is checked at the door before leaving for work. They don't mix. My sweetheart works very very long hours - 12 hour days gone from home min 14 hours 3 days a week and the other 4 is 8-9 hour days gone 10-12 hour days. So this is what I started doing...created coupons and occationally I'll print one out and put it in his lunch box or something and on it I'll have redeem for a quiet evening for 2; want to save some water, shower together; want a little sugar to go with the honey...so you get that idea. And you know what, those VERY VERY early morning quickies are great since he's walking out the door and I'm 1/2 asleep. But guess what the next few days, conversation is better. God only gives you what he knows you can handle. and when your down, you've got all of us on mamasource.

T.

Trust me, you are not alone on this subject! My husband and I will have been married 4 years in a few months, but we have been together pretty much since I was 19 and I tell you, he is the same way! He works a lot of long hours (he is a police officer) and he works odd shifts too, which also makes it difficult for us to spend quality time together! We have one daughter who is 2.5 and one on the way! My husband keeps everything to himself (meaning he doesn't want to talk about work to me at all/or much else). I usually can't talk to him while he is at work and when he comes home he is so tired, he just wants to relax & watch sports. Which is no big deal, but then before you know it, it is 10:30 at night and we haven't really talked (or spent quality time together)and I dyill want ud to talk about our day, our daughter, work, or anything. Talking/spending time together makes you feel connected to your husband, but I swear men just don't see it or get it! I am usually the one who initiates any conversation and it never goes far, I have to pry everything out of him. It is hard and it does make you feel alone. I hang in there and just try as hard as I can to make sure that when he has free time, that we "try" to talk or do something together.. Hang in there, maybe you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel (I know easier said than done). I wish I could give good advice, but I am in the same boat! I wish you luck..... Just keep trying, don't give up!

Read Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Helped me understand my husband better and myself better.

A., when I read your article, I felt that I was looking in the mirror. I have been married for 15 years with the lack of communication. We have three daughters, ages 13, 9, and 4. I regularly feel that I am hanging on to a relationship that is going no where. There is a devastating communication barrior and I don't know what to do about it. It takes two to talk. I am beginning to feel that I don't want to do nothing. Discouraged!

Looks like he needs a scheduled "me" time. If his jobs consists of appointments, then try to schedule one with a faux name and make it be one for yourself! At a small restaurant for lunch or something. If that will not work then set out an invitation for him inviting him to dinner one night (weekend maybe). In a little subtle and nice way you are telling him that you need more "us" time. Hopefully he will get it and realize how strongly you feel about the situation.
Hopefully it can help!

I know this is late but I never saw the question till you anwered the thank you for your answers.

Some things I've learned:
1. Men don't understand that we have been talking baby/kid talk all day.
2. Men don't understand that we also need that veg state after hours (we just don't take them because no-one is their to take over the next shift).
3. The biggest thing I have come to realize, I have friends to talk to that listen better then him, so I talk to them instead. Then I tell the kids to go play or watch another tv, so that I can just sit with my hubby for one show or more if the kids leave us a lone. It's not so much the talking it's the touching for me I rest my legs on his or snuggle up with him or just hold hands. Then the conversation can happen on breaks or not.
4. I was ready to leave my hubby and my friend was going through the same thing at the time, only he had had an affair. He talked to me one day and my answer came straight out of my mouth. Here it goes:
When we meet our men we love and pamper them, we marry them and pamper them still. Then one day there is this little tiny person who needs us more then this big guy over here. I need to feed this little person you can get your own sandwich and the cycle changes, now the man we once pampered has to work harded because he has more responsibilities. This is very over whelming for them put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Okay back to us, this little person takes alot out of us. We finally get the baby to sleep crawl into bed and die. (knowing that we will be up in a few hours). He has his life and finds activities to replace the ones you once had together. You also have your life and own activities they just involve the little person. Then one day we (women) realize my kids don't need my help as much they can dress themselves, eat them selves and get ready for bed by themselves, I have time to spend with my best friend where is he. Well he is doing his activities and doesn't get why you are suddenly bugging him and wanting to be with him. I think the best way to get to know him is don't come on to strong, you have to work your way back into his life, it will happen just take it slow, just find something for the kids to do and tell them that you and daddy need some time together without kids, and just go sit next to him for as long as you can, then the next time sit next to him closer so some part of your body is touching his. (not sexual, just comfy)Then the next time snuggle with him. This is what you do when you date. You get closer all the time. As the 2 of you get closer and comfyer talk a little, make your issues small and quick on comercials, guess what the bummer of the day was? guess what the best part or funniest thing was? And then ask him what his was. Tell him you don't need him to rehash the whole day just the worst and best things are then talk about things that are important. This will open him up. You just got to get him in the rotine again.
5. Date nights are a necessity, I don't know if you need them every week. But maybe every other week and then the opposite weeks make them family nights, games with the kids or movies (go or rent) or just out to dinner.
6. My aunt said things always get better if we try. Some of her friends got divorced and remarried, now they have his kids and her kid problems to work through, but guess what her friends are going through the same issues as they did with their first hubbies and agree that they should have tried harder to make the first marriage work, now they have to figure it out all over again.
Take it slow and keep me posted. Good luck! J.

Ahhh, yes..I am in the SAME situation! After our little girl goes to bed, I just want some 'us' time. He's heavily involved in fantasy baseball, and spends hours at a time managing his teams. I really don't understand it! He's also not really a talker. I try to be understanding on work days (he works 12 hrs a day 3 days a week, and 8 hours a day 3 days a week), but it's hard. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one! I don't think it's something that will require counseling, just a good heart to heart.

Hi A..
I beleive the problem lies in the stressors in your life. You need to drop some of the unnecessary crap. Money is not everything.
It sounds like work is coming before husband and family. You may be unconsciously pushing them away. Prioritize yourself.
When things calm down, your husband will communicate.
Your family has been through alot with a move, and your new job. There are only 24 hours in a day, use them wisely. And tell him you love him.
God Bless

when he gets home, just ask him if he could spare 10-15 minutes - but wait until he puts all his things down. Once I asked my dh to "just listen to me" for 10 minutes - he did and asked if I wanted 10 more - who wouldn't want to hear what their "love of their life" wants to say to them? Even if it is about work... maybe try the sandwich effect. Give him a compliment first "Thanking him for working or coming home right from work" then get to the guts of what you want to say - then make sure it ends with another great thing that will make him feel special or really good about listening!

Pray about it first - He'll give you the heart and ideas, too!

You really need to tell him how you are feeling. He is not a mind reader and may not be aware of your needs. Do you ever date your husband? Many couples find that helpful. If he won't respond at that point, it may be time for counciling. If he refuses to go to councilling, tell him that you are going. Also, you might want to read the book "Love Languages" and start to speak his. Best of luck from someone who's been there.

Been there, done that! 31 years & still living it! Make some close female friends. Make time to go out with them & just do it. It will help you deal with it .

Wow. I think everything has been said about husbands who do not communicate. For me, I discovered (and still am) after 18 years that I need to focus amy energy and attention on me and my needs, not him. Not only does my husband not talk much, he is also gone a lot because he is an active duty military man. So, even if we get to a place where we are communicating, often he has to leave soon after we begin working on our issues. We have two girls, 13 and 3. I find that whenever I am trying to figure him out, I get stressed. But when I work on myself and take care of my own needs, I feel better. I also have lots of friends and talk to them often. But in the end, I, like you desire the attention from my husband. I read each response and have tried most of them. Work on yourself and meeting your needs and let the chips fall where they may. I stay in my marriage for practical purposes at this point. I will let you know if the feeling of being connected returns.
Blessings,
S. A

OMG! I know I am a little late with this one but when I read your message I about died. I am 29 and have 2 boys ages 8 and 5 and and have been married for 10 years! I was in the exact same situation that you are in right now. I was shocked to see that someone else feels the way I did. We owned a retail/hardware/furniture store and it quickly devoured all of my husbands time. We never talked and when we did it was about the store and the bill's. Once 8pm rolled around he would sit in front of the TV with all of his paper work and bill's that needed to be figured out. I am sorry that you are that situation and I wish I could tell you how to make it better but I don't unfortunantly I never figured that part out myself. We stayed with the store for 2-3 years and finally got out of it and that was the best thing we could have done other then never getting into the business in the first place which is what I wanted. So anyway all I can tell you is to hang in there and it will all work out. In his defense he has taken on alot and with the way the economy is going business is tuff. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people that have felt the same way and been in the same situation. "What about me" I always said. If you need someone to chat with please feel free to email me (____@____.com) if you ever want to talk. Something I always told myself through the whole thing was "this to shall pass" and eventually it will. Take care and hang in there. J.

Hi A.,

I haven't read any responses yet....but, oh, you need a friend!! Can you get involved with the "Room Parents" at your daughter's school? The PTO or whatever they call the parent-teacher group? is there a play group your younger one could attend if she is not in school? I met some wonderful moms that way when we were new in town. We did the "move every two years" thing too, and it is NOT fun. I felt like we were in the military. Church? Go to the library for a kids' thing--story time, craft day, whatever, and see if you can hang around and help out. You can at least talk to the librarian. S/he may introduce you to someone, or you may meet other parents who have brought their kids.

Kids are great ice-breakers for their parents. Find out where other kids go to play (Park, beach, playground) and take your kids there. You may meet other parents. I know we say "don't talk to strangers" but I have to say that over the 21 years of marriage and moving, if I never talked to strangers I wouldn't have any friends!!

Ask if your older child would like to invite a friend for supper or to play on the weekend. you will have to speak to that child's parents to arrange it and you may hit it off. If not with those parents, then maybe another child's parents. It is VERY draining to always have to make the first move, I know. But you never know who you will find.

Can you and your husband go out on a date? if you are there for a family business, maybe some family member can babysit or recommend a good sitter. If he doesn't want to go out on a date, he maybe depressed and not realize it. You could (SHOULD) try getting a sitter and go out somewhere by yourself--book club at library, Bible study at church, craft activity at library (ours, in Ashtabula, OH has them for adults too), community theatre, band or choir, garden club, Newcomers Club (my lifeline in Holland MI), Kiwanis, Rotary....what did you do before? Do it again!!

Did you breast feed your girls and were you in La Leche League? contact the nearest group and ask if there's a mom in a similar position as you are, or even just one who has kids around your girls' ages and who might be willing to talk with you about your new town.

These things may or may not help you with your hubby (except for the date), but they hopefully will give you someone to talk to and you won't feel like crap. You are important and you deserve to have an opportunity to talk to a friend/acquaintance, whoever. There were times when I would enjoy just going to the corner cafe, having a cup of coffee, and talking a bit with the waitress, when I felt friendless.

You need to do this for yourself; also exercise, fresh air, good nutrition etc. so you don't get depressed. Feel free to email me back at ____@____.com, I will happily "talk" to you that way. If you are anywhere near Ashtabula OH, I will get together in person with you.

Good luck and please let me know how things go!

K. Z.

Have to say, I know the feeling. I've also been married for 10 years and am 29, will be 30 next month. I could use some advice myself. Good Luck

Dear A.,

If this is something new that your husband wont talk I'm wondering if maybe he is depressed. If he has always been this way then it could just be the way he is. My husband has gone through a little of a depression and sometimes he just withdrawls into himself. I know how you feel with having to take care of the kids and not having much time for yourself because I am often in the same boat. My husband works a lot and even though I work part time (for our business) I have to do the bulk of the work with my 3 kids. I would ask your husband flat out if he is unhappy about something, maybe he is overwhelmed with his work or unhappy that you had to move. If you get the feeling he is just being selfish and just doesn't want to help then maybe you need to force him to be with the kids and you go out to the mall or find a moms group. Im not sure if this is helpful but I also work part time for my husbands business and somtimes its really hard to separate business from family stuff.
Good luck and I will pary for you.

Angie, I'd tell him that you need to talk, that he is going
to sit there and listen to you rather he likes it or not, that
you need someone to talk to. I don't know if you want him to
say anything, but just tell him for right now that you just
want him to listen to you for say maybe 10 min. if that's to
long for him then maybe 5 min. and tell him you don't want
his attention for the whole night you just want a few minutes
of his time, and that you just want him to listen to you.
If he can't give you that much time, he does have a real problem. I'm sorry for saying all that but it makes me mad
you are helping him out with his business, and least he can
do is give you a few minutes of his time. Hope it works for
you. K.

Hi A.,
Does your husband have any special interests or hobbies? Maybe you could talk to him about those things instead of work or the kids. I'm not saying that you're complaining, but if he feels like you are complaining or that he needs to solve your problems, he might feel a little overwhelmed. Maybe you could join a mom's group to nuture your need to talk.

Hey, please don't tell me this ladies. I have a future husband who hasn't talked to me in almost 2 years. Although,he wants to marry me. Please help me figure that one out??

T

I can understand how you are feeling. My husband is still after 34 years of marriage is like that.

He doesn't want to talk because our situation depresses him (nme too to be honest- we just lost our house of 23 years). He also gets very angry when I talk to others about our plight.

I told him (I use to be meek and not talk back) if I can't talk to you who can I talk to. Also I need to talk because it does help. It may not change the things but it makes me feel good to get it off my chest. I also explained to him if we had told people early on when we realized we were sinking maybe they could have helped.

What we did earlier in our marriage was have kind of a date night. We might not go anywhere but I made a special dinner and we would spend the evening talking about things or even just cuddling while watching a movie.

Maybe if you found a teenage or elderly woman who wouldn't mind watching the kids once every other month or so then you could get out of the house and TV would not be in the way either.

Have you joined the PTA/PTO at your children's school? They can be a great help with making friends and even helping to find a sitter. I love our group of ladies and gents. I even volunteer when I can at school. Even a hour a month they would love.

Do you attend church? Perhaps the pastor could speak with both of you about your concerns. It takes men much longer to wind down than us women.

Good luck.

I definitly think, no I know, men are not made the same as women physically or emotionally. They don't crave that communicaton that we need so much of. We need discussion, someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to affirm our decisions. That is why girlfriend time is so important, to give us those things that our husbands cannot. It doesn't mean they love us any less when they don't want to talk, honestly I don't think they know what to do with us sometimes.
I am married 19yrs. and have 3 boys so you know I need the girlfriend time.
I started a new business 1 yr. ago with BeautiControl. I have a mobile spa business where I bring the Spa to your home. It is a fun evening for women to share, relax and experience fabulous skincare and Spa products(That's the fun part) I know you don't know me from Adam, but I would be happy to come and Spa you and your friends some evening and give you much needed ME time!
Hope to hear from you soon, Jennifer Friedl

Jennifer Friedl
BeautiControl Consultant
###-###-####
www.beautipage.com/jenniferfriedl

Please find you a friend to talk to, and I mean a Male friend.
Just to talk about anything, every one need that friend to talk and listining to. Please understand I'am not talking about go to bed with. Dear you need that special personal in your life, that will make you feel like a new person.

P.S I was marriage for about 24 years and now disvoce, I have been there in your shoe, so please enjoy your life, have friends who will respect you.

On the work aspect, you might try emailing him! :) If you do this rather than calling, you can allow him to read the emails at his convenience. Also, you don't use up his "capacity" for talking! :)

I stay at home & am a talker too. I get some of my "outlet" by talking on the phone with women friends while I do dishes & such. Also, I have a weekly women's group I go to--it's awesome!!! I come home feeling freshed.

Maybe your husband would be open to a weekly "date night"?? We have practiced this ever since we had kids. Most of the time we just put the kids to bed & do something in the living room. We have ice-cream, watch our favorite shows & talk during commerials, maybe play cards, whatever. The "rules" are the activity has to appeal to both of us (no watching football for him or ballet for me. :) )

I heard a really good definition of an introvert--someone who gets their "energy" from being alone. An extrovert is someone who gets their "energy" from being with people. Neither is good or bad, just different. Compromise is hard, but I'm glad you are willing to keep working at it.

Oh, one more thing is to get him talking about something he's interested in, even if you have to make an effort to be interested (cars, sports, whatever.) It helps him feel valued.

C.

You are not alone A.. I am an "internet widow." However, it was the TV a while back and the internet use is getting better.
We shut off our satalite dish and got netflix, so if we watch something, we have to do it as a family. My husband was still on the internet for hours and hours every night! It became crazy because I would beg over and over for him to get off and he would get mad. We finally came up with the idea that he would shut the computer down 2 nights a week and help around the house, play with the kids, or talk to me. It seems to be helping. I am not "alone" any longer.
Another thing that helped was another husband/father from our church talked to my husband. It helped my husband realize that if he was to do another job (he was looking for better work over the internet all those hours) that he needed to let God work. I don't know if your family is involved in a church, but you might try it. It is a great place to make friends to talk to, for both of you. If you are not Christian, then try your local temple. Men influence men more easily than wives influence men.