Is This a Real Marriage?

This pattern is hard to break once it starts! I've been married 22 years and my advice is to go to have a discussion with him now and make some changes NOW.

My hubby is not a big talker either and he likes to unwind watching tv nightly too. I have had to realize that his love language is different from mine. The Five Love Languages was helpful in this area. His love language is gifts and personal touch (not necessarily sex). I feel loved through service (cleaning, doing something for the other), so as I was cleaning away-- thinking he was feeling loved---he wasn't. WOW, all that effort and what a disconnect. I learned about his love language and now I will surprise him with a dollar McD's sundae, I sit and watch a few shows a week with him, etc. It changed our gap for sure and my perspective on how to make him feel connected and loved by me. This resource is also great for your children. Hang in there---small changes can lead to BIG results.

It would probably be helpful for you to read the blog What Women Never Hear (http://wwnh.wordpress.com/) for more insight into this topic. What you're describing sounds pretty normal, but I think you can make it better (because sometimes "normal" *sucks*!). You may need to turn to your female friends for your "talking" quota, at least for the time being. But don't let this talking turn into husband-bashing! :-)

It may just be that your husband uses this time to unwind and relax, a pressure release from the stresses of his work. He doesn't have the same need to talk as you do. Men and women are different. Read the blog I mentioned for more insight into the male mind. It's quite astounding.

Sounds a lot like what my husband and I go through. He to his video games, me to the computer or reading. It was depressing for both of us and we eventually went too see a counselor. We only went a few times, because we didn't have any serious issues, just needed guidance and ideas to get ouit of this slump and to work on our communication.

She told us to write down 10 things we love about each other, and for every day, go out of your way to do something sweet for each other (aside from day to day stuff like folding his socks...) it was hard at first, I would just write a little note and put it in his wallet or something, but then we got the hang of it.

Also, before you separate for the night, do something together, read a book together (my hubby and I did that it was fun), watch a netflix series together every night (right now, we netflixed buffy the vampire slayer and watch one every night together). It really helps to have something each night, and then do a date night once a week.

I promise, most marriages go through awkward times like this, you just need to find your footing and get that romance back.

Sometimes, we just go on family drives and talk, sit by a lake and talk... anything to get us away from the computer/tv... Also, saying prayers together every night helps as well.

It's good for people to evolve and learn and grow together. Take a photography class together, or salsa dancing lessons. Do something and like that on top of every day spending time getting to show your appreciation for each other.

I don't think it's abnormal. I think it's great that you two have gotten the business partnership part of marriage all worked out. Now go find the romance of marriage and work on that part again. ok, so he doesn't want to admit there's a problem? What man does? You take the lead. It may be time for a romantic getaway for you two. Go shopping for a push up bra and a tight dress. Get some new perfume. It won't solve your problem, but it may get you two back in sync long enough to start talking again. Shake the sugar tree girl.

I am presently divorced, but my parents have been married for 37 years, and my dad told me it takes effort on both parts to maintain communication.

Before I got divorced I asked my husband if he would be willing to go to therapy and to a retreat called Retrovaille I believe its a French word for Rescue) it was amazing..tere were couples there (atheists/agnostics/Jews/Christians) who had been separated 8 years, who had cheated on one another etc, but by he end of the 4th day...their relationship was taking a new twist..it really is all about communication..yes, as my dad told me, all marriages go through rough patches of dry land, but its good to get some refreshing, revitalizing water to fertilize and help each of you grow...

Have you tried going on double dates? Or doing things that interest him? Travel, golf, wrestling, TV shows? there have to be things you do in common even if they aren't you favorite or his...sounds like he's become complacent, which rumor has it can be easy for men...but you want to have intimacy with him, so work out a way to get it.

I suggest Retouvaille..http://www.retrouvaille.org/dates.php check it out! Good luck

Yes. It's real marraige. I think every marraige experiences this at some point. I found my maraige doing the same thing. It doesn't mean your marraige is in trouble, it's just taking a detour and needs to be brought back to the main road.

I know there are many days when after working, dinner, kids, all I want is some quiet me time. Hubby may have the same feelings.

I've made it a point to go and sit next to him when he's watching tv, or to interupt him during a commericial (hard to do since he's usually watching 3 shows at the same time, flipping back and forth) to comment about something or ask him a question. Just to open up lines of communication.

Try a date night, maybe go out, or just rent a movie and watch it togehter. After the movie, try talking about the movie. Like "the character Sue reminds me of your sister, she has a great sense of humor" or if it takes place at the Grand Canyon "you know, the Grand Canyon looks really beautiful, what would you think about taking a vacation there". The point is to start talking again even if it's not about anything important, it's about opening up communication and getting you out of your own separate spaces.

Do you work close to each other? Maybe you could meet for lunch.

What are weekends like? Maybe that's a better time for you to connect. You sound like a close family, do a family outing. Avoid the same old routine.

Invite some friends over. It doesn't seem like a good idea if your trying to get some alone time, but if your having a conversation as a group, it may help to open up lines of communication with hubby.

It's great that you've tried talking to him about it. But I'm sure he just doesn't get it. Which may be a good thing, because he thinks everything is great in your marraige. It's just time to stir things up a bit.

Good Luck.

Have you ever heard of the Love Dare? It's an awesome book and there is also a website lovedarestories.com
I have been sending the daily dares to a few of my friends and we have been doing them together. It's a great way to build up a marriage. The movie Fireproof was based on this book. I would be happy to add you to our love dare list. Just send me your email address. ____@____.com

Hi Lili,

I think everyone has a different definition of what marriage is or should be. I know in my situation, we fall into a rut all the time and have to make an effort to get out of it. Sometimes we get comfortable in our daily routine and it takes us away from other needs that are not being met. I think you need to reconnect with your husband. Have you tried doing things together at least 3 times a week? Maybe go for a stroll, do a date night, or play cards? It doesn't sound like you should get divorced; what you are experiencing is very normal given the fact that you both work outside the home and have a family.

First off: DO NOT LAY DOWN THE LAW. This SHOULD be a partnership NOT a dictatorship. Don't give ultimatums unless you're prepared to LOSE.

Yes you've settled into a pattern. This is normal. It happens with EVERY couple. And it's different for every couple. You both spend time reading and/or watching tv in the evenings, why not do those together?

And when you have a problem or issue you'd like to talk to him about why not just go up to him and say "Hey, I've got a problem/issue I'd like to get your input on. I need some of your time please."

Another option would be to add YOUR days to the dinner table conversation. Obviously there are certain issues you wouldn't want to discuss in front of the kids, but wouldn't this be a good way to show your kids how to keep communication open, as well as problem solving skills? And you never know, the kids might actually give you some good insights as well :)

Finally ... take a deep breath and realize this isn't divorce worthy. It's a pattern and patterns can be changed. And yes it's still a real marriage. In fact it's probably more real now than it was before LOL

Good luck :)

I think it is easy to fall into this. My hubby and I both work from home and have small kids, so when they go to bed, I go to work and he works on books he's writing.

We made a committment a couple of weeks ago to spend every day between 8 and 10 together. If it means that my work suffers and his books don't get written (these are very serious issues to each of us) then it is fine, because no matter how important other goals are, our marriage and family is more impaortant.

We've had some of the best, most healing conversations of our recent years.
I've had to seriously cut down on the amount of work I accept in order to do this but I'm happier than I've ever been, and that's saying a lot because I'm a serious overachiever who has NEVER been able to relax.

You have to make a committment. This can't possibly solve itself.

Good luck.

I agree that the two of you need to have time together so that you can talk with each other. With that goal in mind I'd work towards finding a way for that to happen. You take on the responsibility for making it happen without criticizing your husband or even expecting him to agree with you. I suggest that his saying that it just feels that way to you means that he doesn't have a problem with it. This is not surprising. We are all different and he may not need to talk about anything and he may feel defensive because he doesn't understand that you need it.

I would talk with him calmly about how you feel and what you need. Let him know ahead of time that you want to have an hour of his time so that you can talk about how you feel. Acknowledge that you've heard him say the way it is now is OK with him and that's OK with you that he feels that way. Be open and honest about your feelings without whining or accusing him of anything.. Don't try to get him to talk about his feelings. You're just asking him to be of help to you and not trying to convince him that anything is wrong for him.

Have you tried being affectionate in small ways during the evening? Perhaps sitting next to him for a bit while he's watching TV. Sit near him while he reads the newspaper and you look at your magazine. Give him a hug when he gets home. Compliment him every chance you get.

You could also arrange to have a date night. Invite him out for the evening. Plan to do something with him that you know he's interested in.

Reach out to him.

It's so easy after years of marriage to drift into a routine that becomes unsatisfactory. It's up to the one who wants it to be different to begin finding a way to make it different. Your husband is OK with the status quo. It's up to you to shake things up a little. Don't expect him to recognize or even understand how you're feeling. Show him how much better it can be.

I don't think you are alone, but I also don't think it's OK. My hubby and I have a similar situation where he works, I'm home with the kids, after the kids go to bed, he goes to the gym. But, we also try to find time to talk and have date nights every once in a while! I want him to go to the gym b/c of his family history (all men in his family died before the age of 50), so I know his health is important. There are nights he's home with the kids and I'm doing things with the girls. We do have family dinners togther too. I think if you try to just get a few minutes with him, you'll feel better. Next time you talk about it, tell him it's ok that he thinks everything is fine and that you think there is an issue, but since one of you thinks there is an issue, you both need to work to resolve it so that both can feel good in the marriage. You might try reading "The 5 Love Languages of Marriage" together so that you can see what your love language is. It sounds like it might be quality time, which means that you aren't feeling loved because you don't feel that he spends time with you. His love language might be words of encouragement, so when you talk at dinner, he gets filled up and thinks everything is fine. I would try to work on this. You don't get divorced from someone you love and marry and have children with becuase you aren't talking a lot right now. You didn't say how old your kids were, but it's really hard when you have young children, and it's easy to fall into 2 people living lives for a common goal (raising the kids and doing things around the house) vs. living a life to foster your companionship. Hang in there and work on it.

Your marriage is totally normal, every relationship goes through patches like this. You just need to make more of an effort to communicate. Since your husband is comfortable with the way things are and doesn't want to change, you'll have to take the first step. For me, that was finding a couple of tv shows he watches and watching with him. For us, just that simple step led to spending more time together, which led to having occasional lunch dates together (my hubby also works at home), etc, you get the idea. My M. hated golf, but she started playing when my dad started playing. She didn't want to end up like HER MIL who stayed home all weekend waiting for her golfing husband to come home. Now my parents spend hours and hours together on the golf course (my M. has learned to enjoy playing), in restaurants, going to parties and when they're together at home, they giggle and laugh together like teenagers (they're in their sixties). Their marriage is the one I want mine to be like. Kids grow up and move away, but with the right effort, your husband will be your companion for life, so don't give up on a marriage worth saving. Good luck!

So when he is reading or watching tv, go sit next to him and start talking about your day and the like.

is it normal? I don't know. I do know it's normal to have a relationship outside of your children. If he doesn't think there's a problem, then continue communicating with him. He's either going to stop what he's doing and have a conversation with you or he'll continue what he's doing and communicate with you or he'll ignore you. Whatever happens, will be your answer to what YOU need to do.

And maybe a weekend away might do the trick. You don't have to go anywhere, a local hotel will do. You didn't say whether the physical part of your relationship is continuing, sometimes it takes a little hot hotel sex to get the groove back.

Hang in there, don't give up! You both need to work on your communication skills - once you get out of the habit of communicating with each other it becomes more and more difficult. Marriage isn't easy - good marriages exist b/c both partners work at it . . . it seems like things were going so well that you both forgot to keep "working on it". Schedule some time for the two of you without the kids. Set aside one day a week for just the two of you to have dinner alone . . . try new restaurants, go see a movie or invite another couple, this will help kick start the conversation so you have something to talk about. After a while, you'll be back in the swing of things. Also, don't just talk about problems, talk about good stuff as well. Your family is worth making the effort for, right?

Lay down the law!! No more separation at night. Take it upon yourself to make this happen. Go out to the gym when he exercises, sit and watch tv with him, etc. Tell him you love him but you fear the marriage is in crisis and you are going to do everything you can to make it better. Ask him what he needs and tell him your needs and go from there. Maybe he needs an hour of quiet time to himself, I can understand that, but more than likely you have just fallen into a pattern. Men can be dense and not notice what we think is SO obvious. Please don't consider divorce without doing everything possible to change the rut you are in!

I would highly recommend Re-Engage. All marriages go through ups and downs. The key to staying happily married is getting yourselves out of times like these. Re-Engage is a couples therapy, if you will, this is free and life changing. At least check out the website. http://www.watermark.org/adults/marriage-ministry/reengage/

Hello I skimmed through the other ladies advice, and I just wanted to add my 2 cents. Yes it's good to sit down with him and watch TV with him, but don't panic because the sparks have stopped. This is real life. You have grown comfortable together. And that's not a bad thing. It's part of growing old together. When you have something to talk about, talk about it. When you don't have something to talk about, don't force it. Just relax, reach out and touch his leg, you don't have to say something. Yes there is a time for that. But I think you know when it is. Many times in the evening, when my husband and I finally have sometime to talk, and the kids are doing something, he says, just be quiet. He doesn't want to hear my opinion about everything. He wants peace and quiet. And it doesn't mean he's mad, or something's wrong in our relationship. The evening is your time to do a project, or to sit quietly with him. The other ladies advice is good. Just relax and go with the flow.

I work from home and my hubby works out of the house. We've been together for 29 yrs and have gone through ups and downs in communications. We have different hobbies and different interests but we make time every week for a date night. It's our time to reconnect and just talk about whatever comes to mind. We also do things like walking the dog together or taking the grandkids on a hike in the woods (just like we use to do when our kids were young).

It is fine to spend some time doing your own things but if you feel dissatisfied then you need to talk to your husband again.Tell him you miss the emotional closeness you once shared. Suggest 1-2 nights a week for just the 2 of you. At least one date night.Even after being married that long you can still keep the home fires burning!

My hubby and I have gone through periods when life was, more or less, carrying us along with the current. These are times when you can get distracted and stuff happens, OR you can make the effort to find new ways to connect. Marriage is hard work, and it takes setting other things aside to spend time with each other. If not, then the relationship will die. A lot of couples focus on the kids so much that when the kids grow up, there's really nothing left in the marriage. That's why you see so many divorces after 20, 30, or 40 years. I have been married 46 years to the same man---although I can't say he's the same as when I married him. Everyone changes. I've had to change along with him in order to keep us flowing.
All this is just to say nothing stays the same and you have to constantly create and reinvent your relationship. Good luck.

I think the same old conversations just get boring.

Sometimes I wonder if people were meant to be together for decades. Who can remain stimulating to another for that long? As fascinating as I am, I'm sure my husband is bored of hearing the same old stuff coming out of my mouth after two decades. I know I'm pretty bored of myself at times.

After Al and Tipper Gore just announced their split yesterday, I've been pondering the question of relationships. I think one of the main reasons they split is because they CAN, financially. Most of us have too much financially intertwined with each other, and don't have that luxury. I mean, 40 years -- what can possibly be new and interesting about someone?

So I've been thinking that, especially since our kids will be out of the house in two years, my husband and I definitely need to find some passions that we both share. I see that as the only way we can remain interesting to each other.

Anyway, no real answers, I'll be interested to hear what others say.

Sometimes comfortable silence is the best thing in the world! Do YOU feel like something's wrong? Life is hectic. Don't pressure yourself to make your marriage different if it is working for you in this way.

I think you need some time alone together without TV, computer or phones. Why don't you ask him to go for a walk with you after dinner? Even a walk to the mailbox or around the block can start the communication juices flowing.
Communication is the key and since that's not happening, your relationship is floundering.
You might also consider marriage counseling...
YMMV
LBC

this doesn't sound like a reason for divorce. Some men like to have alone time. If you are not communicating with him, just as he is not with you, it sounds like the problem is with both of you. ONE of you will have to reach out to make this better, and if it isn't him then it will have to be you. Unfortunately, you will likely have to give more of yourself than you're getting in return, for a while. But eventually it will turn around. Keep working on it!

I didn't read any other posts but I think you are in a rut ;-) My husband and i have been together for 13 1/2 years. Recently we were in a rut too. Nothing really bad -- just not talking, sex was sort of blah, etc. Sort of like what you said. A friend had seen a marriage counselor and raved about how it helped their marriage so we decided to try it. We only went 4 or 5 times but it really helped. We started talking again and once we started communicating again, everything fell into place. Truthfully, our sex life has been amazing since we started communicating again. I liked our counselor because she gave us homework to do at home that we each did and then we talked about it. It really forced us to open up about stuff that we really hadn't talked about in a long time -- and we both learned some really annoying things we do and we worked on ways to solve that. Then during our sessions she helped us come up with things we could each do to improve our situation. Anyway, we got a lot out of it. We saw:
http://www.paridesassociates.com/index.html Hope everything works out for you! Marriage is hard work -- but worth it ;-)

It sounds fine to me. My husband goes down and plays his game and I watch my shows after the kid goes to bed. We still talk, but we're comfortable enough with each other to be able to do our own thing. If I want extra time with him, I tell him and he doesnt play his game that night. Sometimes he'll even watch Stargate Universe if I ask nicely, even though he hates it. :-)

You're definitely building a gap. Cut the media out of your lives after a certain time... like a 'media curfew'. Do you reading and watching before this time, and once this time comes, everything gets turned off and put away - the only exception is a CD, record or Ipod... music is always lovely.

Ask questions. Tell funny stories. Share memories. Instead of cleaning, hang out with him. Clean if he goes to the gym... but if he's home/when he's home, give him the same things you want - time and attention.

It'll get better! Hang in there!

It sounds like counseling would help. I know that I find it incredibly difficult to be emotionally available to my husband at the end of a long work day after the kids are in bed. Its very easy to fall into a pattern of just shutting down but it is something I work on every day. Terry Parsons is a family counselor that I have known for many years and he actually married me and my husband. I would recommend you reaching out to third party to help get and your spouse back on track. Good luck.

You two have just gotten comfortable with each other. If you don't tell your husband that something is bothering you then he will assume everything is great. Romance is A. action. You and your husband should do something together even if it's once a month just for yourselves. What did you two do that you enjoyed when you were courting? concerts? secret trysts? driving to unknown destination or visiting a hole in the wall? Start doing something similiar again. Maybe next time your couples friends invites you too hang out at happy hour you should say "Yes." Don't expect miracles. A happy life is a collection of happy moments not one single event. Good Luck and Bless you.