What Do You Get from Your Spouse?

Unconditional love. I'm emotional, he is not. I've learned to expect very little, emotionally. We've been together forever as well, and if we need support we know to ask for it. If you want more, you have to communicate that with him. As the saying goes, "men are not mind readers." It sounds like you need to connect physically and let him know that you love him. Many men recharge their batteries that way. Hope you can find a more comforting solution soon.

You should expect and HAVE more, yes absolutely!

My husband is my BFF! We talk/txt multiple times a day... When something/anything happens, he is the very first person I tell. We love each other, we love just being near each other, we laugh...we argue, we make up, we get along great, we have a fantastic sex life & I can't imagine a time when he won't be the first person I want to see in the morning and the last person I want to see before I go to bed!

No body knows me, like my husband...he knows everything there is! He can tell what mood I am in and how to fix it by hearing me say one word. We are going on 17 years together & it gets better every year!!!

In a marriage, it takes two people to make one feel like a stranger. If you feel distance, then you need to connect. You can make that happen.

I don't expect my husband to fulfill my needs. Especially, when I'm just aimlessly feeling something, with no communication to him. If I felt a distance, I would seek out a connection. We've never really felt disconnected. I think, it's because one doesn't wait for the other. We try to fill our own needs, by communicating that to each other. Out of love, respect, and regard for each other. We hold ourselves responsible for our own fulfillment.

You aren't crazy, but you should stop waiting for something to happen, or for him to do something. If you want to connect, do something about that.

I have a lot of days when I feel like you. It's like we are roommates, but then we will put aside time just for "us," and I remember that he is my best friend. I also just try to remind myself that when the kids are a bit older, we will have a lot more time to connect. Right now we are in the thick of things, and it isn't about us. We have to do what we have to do to maintain an us, but our relationship is on the back burner somewhat.

I think all relationships ebb and flow. But if you want more, you have to work at it.

We have been married for over 30 years.. There were times, that were not good.. but we worked on our marriage to get back on track. The secret was learning how to speak with each other. Marriage counseling was the answer for us.

We have known each other since middle school, so we have a lot of history. We married young.

We did not have our child until we had been married 10 years.
I remember reminding him the year before she was born, while trying to get pregnant and during the pregnancy, how our lives were going to change, but that we needed to reassure each other, we were going to be ok in our marriage.

At one point when our daughter was not sleeping well, not feeling well, and we were working so hard at our jobs.. . I realized, he and I had not had a real conversation in weeks! We were sitting in the same room, across from each other and our parents were here. I looked over at my husband and he looked back at me. We smiled at each other and he winked at me. It made my heart jump and it was like we had just had a full conversation of love.

I knew we were going to make it. That night I told him, I was "sorry we had been just so busy and had not talked in so long".. He looked at our daughter and said, "we are fine, She is totally worth it. "

We made sure to try to have acknowledgements, leave notes for each other, Thank each other, ask each other for help. . Try to at least sit next to each othera t the table and on the couch..

Marriage takes work, energy and communication. If you miss him, need something from him.. Tell him.

One thing I have learned about men. They do not take hints. They are not subtle. They are not quick on their feet with hints.. You have to just come out and say or ask for what you want.

I know we all think men should be romantic, thoughtful.. like the characters in movies or on TV, but remember they have professional screen writers to make up their conversations. And many times they are female writers.

Hang in there, find a way to reconnect. If that means holding hands more often, setting up dates, scheduling intimacy.. do it.

What I get from my spouse:

Lots of emotional support, and also his perspective on hard situations. Even when that perspective is different from my own, it helps me better understand and respond to whatever is hard for me.

His insight and advice are always helpful.

His confidence. Our private life stays private.

His love and companionship. Last Saturday we had a date together and it was so lovely just to chat about silly stuff that we rarely have time to talk about. He is good company.

We have intimacy, but I'm not discussing it here. Suffice it to say, we're still very connected to each other.

We have tolerance for each others need to be alone for a bit. He and I both max out on being asked to do things/pay attention to/for others, and we allow each other to have those breaks when they come up.

We have some fun things we enjoy in common, esp. games (think cribbage, for instance). We enjoy doing things as a family with our son.

We have awareness that relationships are long, complicated things. We have a very strong commitment to each other and our family and understand that even though couples fall in and out of love with each other, all depending on situations, times in life, etc. that the grass is NEVER greener anywhere else. We both know how to be intentional in honoring our commitment to the family we've created.

I know what you mean about 'roommates'.... we've gone through those phases, and you know what's helped me? It's just to ask "Hey, let's get a sitter once a week for a while so we can reconnect." Get out of the house. Go for favorite walks or hikes together. Go have dinner without the kids interrupting-- heck, it's summer, so you can pack a picnic basket and grab a blanket and it's a cheap date. I could care less about baseball, but I ask my husband how his team is doing because I love him and he loves his team. Dream out loud-- talk about vacations you would love to go on and then, really, make plans for the humble vacation you can afford as a family, even if it's camping at a state park nearby-- just get out of the house for a couple of days together as a family.

I think relationships are a 'you get what you give'. If you are putting off a "I can do it without you" vibe, people tend to withdraw. They don't want to be where they aren't wanted. I do believe people can have a full and satisfying marriage if they are both willing to make the little efforts, be appreciative of the everyday contributions, and say 'thank you for..." to each other a LOT. It takes two to tango, so if you aren't dancing-- he's likely not going to want to dance alone. Make a list of things you appreciate about him, even the 'boring stuff' like taking out the trash, and start there.

I think you get out of a marriage what you put into it.
It's like a garden, once you stop tending to it, well it just withers and dies.
Obviously you were in love once, you were in love enough to get married and have children, so start there. What drew you together, what did you do when you were dating, how did you have fun?
My husband and I like going to dinner, the movies (especially comedies, laughing together is a GREAT way to connect) taking walks with our dog, going to hear live music and to sporting events.
You don't need to spend a lot of money. Trade babysitting with another couple. Pack a picnic, hike, go to the farmer's market or out for a beer.
My husband and I only have about an hour of "quality time" every night, we usually have a glass of wine, talk about the day and watch some TV (and of course sex a few times a week helps too!)
I don't think being emotionally connected just happens, life gets busy and monotonous with work, kids, bills and the day to day drudgery. It's easy to fall into a rut and start putting your spouse far down on your list of priorities. If you care about your husband, family and marriage, don't let that happen.

You sound disconnected. You both took the relationship for granted and now you just live in the same house. Make an effort, tell him that you'd like to spend time with him but don't sit around waiting for him. This is as much your responsibility as his.

A marriage isn't about both doing 50% to equal 100%. it's about each giving 100%.

CL:

I'm sorry your marriage is not more loving. YES!! you should expect more from it. No, it's not all wine and roses. No, it's not always perfect and no, it's not a fairy tale.

What do YOU put into your marriage?

I have a loving husband...yes, he has his butt head moments...we all do. I have a husband who still after 16 years likes to kiss me and hold my hand!! :)

I get from him support, love, friendship and so much more. I get back from him what I put into our marriage. It's a reflection of what we do. It's not always 100% from each of us - but it balances out.

I would suggest that you start a gratitude log - then start remembering what you fell in love with about your husband. COMMUNICATE with him. CONNECT with him. make time for him and make your marriage what you want it to be.

YOU CAN change this!

If you are actually expecting your spouse to engage you that may be your problem right there.

I expect nothing from my husband and he expects nothing from me. We are both more that willing to communicate our needs and give the other what they ask. Sure we offer some times but if Troy just sat there waiting for me to interact with him, fulfill him, he would be getting an eff you I am not here to entertain you look, fairly quick.

I've heard many friend talk like this. Then they wonder if this is what if feels like when couples start thinking about divorce. They have, for the most part, worked it out by re-instituting date night and getting some time alone.

Making time for yourselves as a couple is crucial to your marriage. If you don't feel that intimate connection to this other person then it becomes much easier to lose respect for them and to start looking at other people for that intimate need being met.

So make time for couples stuff. The kids will respect you more as a united front if they see you making time and spending time together. You are their marriage role model. Teach them that as a person they are important in the relationship, that spending time with that other person is what is important. Once that comes together the rest is smoother and works better.

Sounds like you guys need to re-connect. Start having some date nights without kids. Alone time after the kids are asleep. Find ways to rekindle it all. Marriage takes work and effort from both parties. Find out what he loves to do and once in a while do that with him ex:golf and then another time do something you enjoy. Recently went to Top Golf with my hubs and we had a blast. Try fun adventurous things you would do while dating. Dating should never end.

This is a very sad way to live in my opinion. While my husband and I don't always agree, he is always there as a friend, companion, lover, and co-parent. We've been together 11 years and married for almost 7. He is my other half and the one person I know I can always be myself around. I can't imagine being in a marriage like you describe. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Do you love him?
I don't see that mentioned in your post...

My husband is always there for me. Sometimes I don't like what he says, but he is always there, and that is what counts!! He is supportive of the family and pays the bills too. I got a good one! Sure I have times too when I get mad at him or feel like I wanna get away for awhile, but I think lots of people do. Hopefully you and your husband can find a new connection and get that fire started again.

Ditto what Julie said. I've had times when I've felt like you do, but then things come around and I remember how much I love him and like to be around him. It's the ebb and flow of relationships. But if you only ever feel as you describe, you need to do something. It could be just a rut you've developed, or could be more of a moving apart from one another. You need to have some conversations to find out what the problem is and how to fix it.

Good luck- I hope things get better!

My husband is my best friend. We talk about everything. We share everything. We love each other unconditionally and we support each other in both the good and the bad. We consider ourselves partners in life and love.

No you are not crazy to expect more from your marriage.

From my marriage, I get a lot of things: a buddy who knows all my little ticks and still likes me inspite of them, someone who has shared history of significant life milestones, a movie date, dinner date, couch maker outer and someone who knows ALL my inside jokes. But most important to me is I have a safe harbor. A place/person I can go to with any crazy, bad, silly, sad, perplexing issue and tell him about it. (Oh, I do have to preface it often with -"I just want you to listen, I don't need a solution." if that is the case.)

I cannot agree more with all the great ladies here who have encouraged you to begin putting more into the relationship because you cannot control his actions. Surprised no one (or I missed it) offered the Love Dare I also recommend Power of a Praying Wife, even if you aren't religious, it has a very interesting way of positioning what you can control and what you can't in terms of your relationship.

Best of luck and wishing you and your hubby all the future happiness you deserve!