After 20 years of friendship I introduced my then very good friend to my husband's brother. They ended up getting engaged and married and after that my friend started distancing herself from me. I asked her why and she kept saying she was busy so we ended up not talking to each other anymore; I really tried to keep the friendship by talking to her and trying to work it out for two years!! whatever is her issue but my now sister in law couldn't care less. I went trough hell with my son being a late talker (past posts) and she was never there for me or our son and her and my brother in law are the Godparents of our son.
Now I don't want to see her, when she visits my home with my brother in law she doesn't talk to me, she doesn't help even though I cook big dinners and serve them. She just sits there and see me doing all the cooking, serving , baking,serving coffee and dessert, cleaning up and she does nothing to help; I don't understand the hate she has for me. She was never able to graduate from college because of her English (I did) and I don't think she is able to have kids. I was always very helpful with her and her family (helping with their translations, immigration paperwork and so much more ; I helped her and her family in so many ways so Is it envy? or she was really never my friend? I was always very humble and also I always made sure that even though they are family, I always paid her when she babysat (she happily took the money though)
How can I have someone in my house who hates me? she and my brother in law never invite us to their home! she makes sure my son does not see his uncle too often. He is very indifferent to the situation even though my husband has talked to him about it.
( they don't hang out together too often, maybe twice a year)
How can I deal with this woman? should I not let her in my home anymore or should I be a hypocrite?
Any comments and suggestions are very very welcome! really this thing is eating me up!
Thanks so much mamas!!!!
I think from what you wrote she maybe jealous of you. Maybe her husband has made comments and she is upset over it. Who knows, I would not stress her.
I would wait to invite her over until you all get an invite there. A relation ship has to run 2 ways. And if they never incite, than you do not have to worry anymore.
I read your previous post about this in 2009...and it seems as if you are considering her your enemy because she does not cater to your needs anymore, like providing help with your child. It also seems what happened is that she really did just get busy, and that happens sometimes. It really is natural to lose a few friends after having kids...I definitely do not have the same circle of friends I did before having a child, and most of the ones I did retain I do not see often and keep at a distance. I am doing different things with my life than they are. No harm, no foul, just how life goes sometimes. I know that parenthood changed me as a person drastically, and some of my former friends probably can't stand me now....and sometimes I think that we might reconnect if/when they join the parent club:)
Perhaps you could focus on creating healthier relationships with new people. And instead of cornering her with asking her how cold she is being, it might be more productive to simply let her know how much you miss her. And she might not respond the way you want her to that either, but at least you will get it out there.
As far as letting her in your house...I say you should continue to let her come over because she is family now. If you want help serving dinner, ask. If you want to visit her, ask. I don't really understand how letting her into your home would make you a hypocrite.
And I don't really think that mentioning her college status is all that helpful in any way. It doesn't seem very nice or humble. And if you can realize that she might not be able to have kids, why on earth would you not be more compassionate to that? Honestly, if my "friend" projected such thoughts about me I would probably sense it and not want to be close to them anymore either. Support goes both ways, and should be sincere with true humility.
Being polite is not being a hypocrite. Continue to invite them over twice a year so your son can see his uncle. As uncomfortable as it is, just deal with it. You know how she will act so you can be prepared for it. It's not a surprise at this point, so you shouldn't expect anything different. Just be polite and get through it.
You are giving her power over your life. Don't let her.
Don't invite them over anymore.
It's entirely possible that she's not happy - but that's not your fault - but she could be blaming you (as you introduced them - again, not your fault)....
Let your husband deal with his brother. Don't nag. Just let it be. If they ask why they aren't invited over - just say - "I'm sorry - I didn't think you felt comfortable here anymore." and leave it at that - let her reach out to you. DO NOT GIVE HER POWER OVER YOUR LIFE!!!
Well, the good thing is it sounds like you rarely see her. Because of that it is probably worth it to just grin and bear it the times you do have to be around her. And it doesn't sound like your husband is close with his brother either. I wouldn't waste another minute of your time worrying about them anymore either.
This is not a happy thought, but perhaps your husband's brother doesn't care and has never cared for you and has asked his wife to distance herself from you. Truthfully, you do not seem humble, you seem more like a martyr. (For example, if someone whom I have known for 20 years came to my home, I would say HEY, I need some help HERE). I would also create and opportunity to speak with her one on one and ask what is going on? If I have unknowingly done something to offend you, after 20 years of friendship, please tell me?
Stop hurting, hating and get to the bottom of this. Like it or not, she is family now and you are the one who started it.
Where does your husband stand on this?
Blessings.....
I don't have much I can say, except that sometimes people just grow apart, maybe she is jealous of you, may she's got something else going on and it has nothing to do with you at all. But no where in your post did I get the sense that she "hates" you, so if that is what you are assuming, maybe you need to talk to her and try to clear the air.
How strange. Stange that she stopped being your friend when she got together with you BIL. You would think that would have made you guys super close. Maybe she is jealous of you for the things you mentioned...sounds like a big jerk to me! I would stop inviting them over for dinner. Have your husband just hang out with his brother seperatly. Your BIL probably knows whats up with your SIL and doesn't want to say. He may eventually miss your son and just start popping in to see him without her when the invites to dinner stop coming. I wouldn't make a big deal about it just don't invite and don't bring it up.
There are a lot of possible 'why?'s, she could be envious, or insecure that you knew her husband first, or she's simply not the person you knew as a friend anymore. More importantly, why do you have to deal with her at all? If she wants to distance herself, let her. You don't have to invite her to your home and at larger family gatherings, you don't have to talk to her. Be civil, smile and nod at the appropriate times and then ignore her. If your b-i-l wants a relationship with his nephew, he can make an effort to form one, otherwise it's their loss not yours.
I would say this has more to do with her husband than you. If the two brothers aren't very close than maybe there is something going on that you aren't aware of. She had to chose sides and she chose him. Or it could be the rule that you don't talk to your family about your relationship and so she doesn't feel she can talk to you. Maybe it is something going on with her and she doesn't want to involve you. I would stop seeing her as a friend and treat her like family. For me that means that no matter how badly they treat me I give them my nice face and don't try and be friends.
I am learning to invite myself over to people's houses. It is actually something I never had to do because my life was wrapped up in my children and everyone invited themselves to our house. Perhaps try that. It is also very possible that if she cant have children she might be very said and envious. It is truly difficult for people to enjoy other children at times if they cannot have their own.
She might be very jealous of you, and she might still also wish for the friendship. She probably was your friend, but may not be able to convey some of these feelings. And you do not know what kind of marriage she has. Maybe it isn't very good. And she now can't tell you. Keep your heart and your home open. Something will happen.
I can't believe some people were criticizing you. I don't think you sound arrogant or like you think you're martyr. I'd for one, stop inviting them over. I can't imagine your BIL is a very good uncle anyway so don't force it. I would instead suggest your husband and BIL do things alone with your son. My husband has some friends I don't care for and I'd never stand in his way of getting together with them but some, I'm done serving dinner to them etc. If your husband cares about your son having have a relationship with his brother, he will pursue things. If not, it's their issue. I think you'll feel much better if you just write her off and take control. Be nice if you see her but stop having her over. Maybe something will change someday and your son can have a closer relationship with his uncle then. And I'm not sure that this has to do with her not being able to conceive as this started well before she would have known that. She's just nasty for some reason and if you've asked and she wouldn't tell you, nothing more you can do.
i would try to talk it over with her 1 more time or ask your bother in law if they wont then tell them you will not be getting together at your home anymore let the men socalize without the women
Tough situation, A.. I'm sorry it's eating you up.
Here's a suggestion that I and some of my friends and acquaintances find genuinely helpful. There's a type of personal inquiry called The Work, taught by a woman named Byron Katie. You can watch many free videos on this site: www.TheWork.com, and also download the worksheets for free (see links in bottom left part of screen). Fill out a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, then follow the instructions for investigating your thoughts about your SIL. It can be surprising, funny, freeing and empowering to find out how those thoughts don't have to torment you. This approach can be wildly effective if you really want to change your thinking.
I wish you the best.
You mentioned that you think she may not be able to have kids, this may be the reason she is having a hard time being around you and your family. I tried for 3 years to get pregnant with my first daughter. Luckily we had fantastic insurance that covered fertility treatments so we were able to conceive thru IVF. While we were trying I wanted to be around families and pregnant friends, thinking that maybe some of the "baby magic" would rub off on me and we would be able to get pregnant, but a lot of people find it really hard to be around babies and families with children when they are TTC and can't. It is one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things to have to go through. Not sure if this is what's going on with her, but it's something to think about. Good luck and I hope it gets better for both of you!
I didn't finish college either and that doesn't bother me, nor do I feel jealous of other people that have. In this day and age, that is not a big deal, so I doubt that's what is bothering her.
It could be the kid thing. It's hard to be around people with children if you're unable to conceive. Imagine if you were dirt poor and your filthy rich relatives invited you over for dinner? You'd feel a bit "cold" also.
We've lost touch with many of our single friends since have kids. I send them emails every now and then and maybe get together once a year, the important thing is that they know I'm still there for them. We don't have to see eachother several times a month/year to know that I care deeply for them. They totally understand that our lives (and needs) have simply changed.
I am a very open person, so for me personally, I'd just ask her what's going on. Sometimes a person is dealing with some inner battles and just needs to be approached to open up about it. We all come from different walks of life, and we need to embrace eacother's differences and help eachother just by being there for one another.
Good luck.
