I Don't Care/ Whatever You Want to Do

You are so not alone in this boat! My husband drives me nuts with this. I don't consult him on gifts anymore. I assign him specific people that he is responsible for shopping for, and I handle the rest on my own.

Dinner is the worst around here. I will ask him what he's in the mood for and I get, "eh, whatever." Really?! Would it be that hard to at least say, "Mexican sounds good." or "We haven't had chicken in a long time." ????? I mean really. He NEVER has an opinion on dinner? Ever?

Now, when he doesn't answer me- I don't cook. I make the kids spaghettios and let him find "whatever" himself. ;) He has more opinions now. lol

I don't even ask. I just tell him what I'm (or we're) going to do. "Honey, I'm getting our daughter a DS for Christmas this year." "Honey, we're going to see the lights at the botanical gardens next week." "Honey, you'll need to pick up our son from Karate tonight so I can take the girls to swim practice." If he *truly* has an issue, he'll then say something (like: "A DS? Doesn't she already have one?" She does, but it's super old and broken...) Otherwise, I usually get "Ok, hon." "Sounds good, hon." or "Great plan, hon." They're simple creatures who don't want to make any everyday, mundane decisions.

The truth is, even if I get his opinion, I'm probably going to just go ahead and do what I originally planned anyway since I'm always right. ;)

My answer to when my husband pulls this stunt, "Yes, I know you don't care but I am asking you for a decision. Please make a decision." Then I stand there until I get one. This approach has worked for us and rarely now is that his answer. When does give me that answer, then I know it is his answer/how he feels so I let it slide.

I don't have a better solution but I understand your frustration. I did get tired of feeling like I made all the decisions and/or that I'm frog marching my husband through his life with no decision making power so I put a stop to it. Good luck.

"What Ever", to me, either means:

"MY" opinion doesn't count"

or

"I" don't care

So if you want to resolve this, time to have a "real" heartfelt sit down "face to face" with your man. Hurt feelings that go unresolved can be a deal breaker, and the reason why 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce.

Blessings...

nope you are not the only one. I stopped including him in anything, because I get the "Whatever" -"your the woman of the house" - "my opinion doesnt count anyway" GARBAGE every time I ask his help on something. The other day I gave him a list (in intricate detail) of things needed for the holiday party. He said he wanted to help. He came back with 6 of the 15 things on the list, and 3 were NOT what I asked for. When I pointed this out nice as pie, he just got red and ran to his man cave. Later when he felt like coming out, he sheepishly asked why it was he was not consulted about the recent things I purchased. I nicely, handed him a cup of coffee and explained that it never matters anyway, and that these things were asked of him 5 months in a row and I was done waiting. He asked why I did it all at once. I just said " whats worse, slowly leaking money out of your account, or finding a gaping hole where your money used to be?"
He couldnt answer. AHHH the intricate workings of a man. Craziness.

Ugh.. My husband can be like this.. He makes so many choices and decisions at work I think he is just burned out. I can be like this too, when I have had to make a ton of decisions for days straight.

What I really hate is when I make the decision and have stated it. Then we get in the car and he asks.. "where are we going?" !!!!!! I want to stab him in the neck..

I also refuse to get into the car unless we all know where we are going.. I hate driving around to help us decide.. There have been times we spent longer driving around than we did eating!

And so I purchased a little Die that has food choices on it. Pasta, Burgers,Mexican, Sushi, Chinese.. I throw it when no one can decide and that is what we agree to do.

Christmas gifts can be a nightmare. This year I have just gone ahead and ordered things or purchased things and not said a word.. If he does not like what I purchased.. he can take it back and exchange it.. You snooze you, lose.
This is after 30 years of marriage. I need a cocktail..
Thank you for letting me vent.

I understand your frustration. We get in ruts like that sometimes, especially if we've both been stressed, have a lot going on at work, etc. I used to give more questions with options, but that didn't work, so I try to make it a more definite thing..Just give him the whole task. For example, instead of "should we put the new sheets on the bed or keep the flannel sheets on?" Just say, "Honey, when you get around to it, the sheets on the bed need to be changed." He'll have to make a decision about the sheets, and whichever decision he makes, you have to accept. That way everyone wins, and no one feels like their opinions don't count.

So maybe for your example about which gift to give, just tell him, "I need you to pick up a gift for (insert name here)." You can tell him you were thinking about present A or B, but let him go to the store and decide. As long as the decisions you "force" him to make in this way are decisions you're willing to live with, it might help.

Hell no, you aren't the only one with stuff like this. At our house if we actually go out to eat, he will ask me where I want to go. I will give him a suggestion and then he will argue with me about it. Example. Him: Where do you want to go to eat? Me: How about Olive Garden? Him: Well, I was really thinking about Ruby Tuesday, how about that? Me: If you already knew where you wanted to go, then why the hell didn't you suggest it in the first damn place? - and then it continues....ARRRHHHHH

I have used the same tactic as Alexis. When he says "Whatever; I don't care," I say, "I WANT your input" or, better yet, "I am looking to you to make a decision."

Interestingly, he has used the same tactic on me, as well! Usually when I don't want to pick where to eat or what movie to watch.

I make my husband responsible for buying for HIS family. I gave up trying to please his sister who cannot be pleased and his dad that says he doesn't need anything...so I let him deal with it. If they don't get anything - it's not my fault.

Tell him who is responsible for buying for. Tell him that you are not his mom and that you EXPECT him to do something other than say "whatever". If he didn't like what you did - that's HIS bad - not yours...

So when you told him "Why would I bother asking? Nearly every time you just tell me to do whatever I want...so this year I did." what did he say? Did he mope around or what? If he moped - tell him to get over it.

I tell my husband - this is my plan for today or this weekend...does this work for you? if it doesn't - then we talk about compromise. If it does - great - he can do his shopping too!!

It's not petty for you to want to point it out when he does it. He might not realize that he's doing it to that extent.

My husband does some of that, and I don't like it. (He doesn't say those words exactly. He's more of a "Whatever you want" kind fo guy, and I have to tell him that his opinion does matter and I want his thoughts.) The way that I respond is to ask him to think about it and then tell me what he comes up with. Sometimes I have to walk him through the thought process, but I get what I need. What I've had to come to terms with is that some things just are NOT on my husband's radar. Sometimes when I ask what he thinks of something, his accurate answer is "Nothing" because he hasn't been thinking about it AT ALL. I have to ask him to please think about it because I would like his input. Also, if I know that I'm gonna require his brain at a certain time, I put in a reservation for it. I can't expect for what's important to me at any given time to be important to him at that same time. It's annoying, but manageable.

I get some of that too. But I am more understaninf of it. I used to be the same way. In my wierd mind, I thought I was being easy going, amiable, and compliant. I thought I was being a dutifull wifey. I was 19 and stupid! I would say, whatever you want, I dont care. But then when he would make a suggestion, I would say no, we just had that, no I dont like the salsa there, or we would go and I would not be happy with something I ordered. FInally my husband blew up at me and let me know that was a lot of pressure on him. He felt responsible for anything negative, since he had to choose the place. I had never looked at it as him being under pressure to make the decisions, I thought I was being easy going. Now I understand. Maybe if you explain it to him he will get it. He may just be trying to go with the flow when he doesnt give an opinion.

I'll start by saying - I feel your pain AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husband. I don't think anyone ever taught him to give a yes or no answer. I actually suspect that his Mom accidentally taught him this. Example from 5 minutes ago - ME: honey, what time do you want to leave for the party tonight? HIM: well, we have to drop DD off at Mom's house and I told her we'd be there some time between 6:30 and 7:00. ME: So WHAT time do you physically want to leave tonight? HIM: some time between 6 and 6:30. ME: So, like, 615? HIM: some time between 6 and 6:30. Ughhhh! If I talk to him while he's working and ask what time he thinks he'll be home, he'll say - well, I have to finish up at this job then stop at the Chiropractor, then CVS - SO WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE HOME? He just never has an answer! Honey, do you want me to throw your jeans in with the dark wash? Well, I might wear them later, but they do need to be washed, but I don't know if I'll need them or not or if I have other clean pants . . . . . Could drive me to drink - seriously.

BTW - there is ONE time when I do get a YES answer - honey, do you want a (insert sexual act of your choice here) - I will get an immediate YES to that question without any ADD delay from him. Funny how they hear what they want to hear. hee, hee.

I don't consult my husband on gift buying...he just says the kids have too much already and don't need anything. Then when I do put something into the cart he complains it is too expensive or they still don't need it. it takes my joy away from gift shopping. So, I don't take him or ask him.

I have done a lot of purchasing and returning this Christmas...the kids have been wishy washy and I have been indecisive (and sick with a rotten sinus infection). So he has seen a lot of boxes and bags come into the house, but because he is at work he hasn't seen stuff leave and be returned.

Anyways last night he wanted to lay out everything I bought for the kids and see what it all is...I told him fine we could do that and then he could help me cull it down in case i have gone overboard. He was totally sure I had gone way way over board...but when he saw it...he was like oh, okay.

Anyways...sorry I have no advice...but mine is the same way kinda...oh, and going out to eat he just plain never wants to go...so I have to make a decision and tell him I am not cooking, get in the car.

lol My husband is the same way. If I ask him for ideas he always says "I don't know, let me think about it" then he never comes up with any so I just take care of it all myself. I might bother me more if it weren't seeing the total opposite in my dad who doesn't want my mom making decisions like that without him (because he thinks she overspends). That would drive me batty!

I also notice that my husband asks me my input on things just to know to do the opposite of what I wanted. I stopped giving him my opinion for that reason. Now when I don't give my opinion, he gets irratated and I tell him "it doesn't matter what I want, you will do it the way you want anyhow". This has more to do with remodeling and such then presents or what to do when going places.

Just make sure if he does give his opinion you take it and not brush it aside to do what you wanted to in the first place.

My husband does that alot too, but not all the time.

We go out to dinner every Friday night. Any time I ask him where does he want to go, he will inevitably say wherever you want. That frustrates me because I have to plan dinner 6 nights a week; just once I would like him to take charge and say 'we're having this for dinner' so I don't have to even think about it!

I don't really think it would be petty for you to bring this to his attention that he says that every time you ask for his input and he gives you the "whatever you want" response. He may not realize that he does it all the time. When you do it, though, let him know that you REALLY want his input!

Oh I am so sorry you don't have an equal partner in your relationship..that must feel crappy. I feel for you. You can see that you are not alone so that can give you a little comfort...but no resolution.

I personally have a hubby that helps with decisions, plans vacations and other dates with our family or father/daughter..father/son dates too. He is an amazing man,hubby, father and partner. He was creative when we were dating and still is. He has planned some very creative birthdays and anniversaries...he's not perfect...but dang close. He has other areas he needs to work on. Being thoughtful, making decisions and being creative just aren't areas he struggles in.

There have been times when we needed to get the kids on board with things and we would all sit together as a family and make these decisions...dad is the moderator. You could do this and say to your hubby that you need him to referee the family meeting...and then YOU take a back seat. He needs more opportunities to have "deer in the headlights" type of scenarios where he needs to make the decision without you rescuing the situation. But you can't set these up with a rag session of "You need to do this. You never help make decisions. This is to teach you."

Family mealtime- My husband,on his own, came up with this idea to help me. He will sit down with the kids and plan out what everyone wants for the week for dinner. It is put up on our menu list that sits on the counter...then I make the meals. It has helped get everyone involved in the family dinner time success. Lessens my burden of "What should I make for dinner tonight??"

Family vacation/outings- You and hubby discuss 3 places to go on vacation. Do some research then have hubby call a family meeting. Have hubby present the options to the family and let everyone decide together. Then as a couple you talk about what the kids came up with and then you make the adult/financial decision together.

These are just simple ways to slowly teach your husband to take the reigns in some decision making.

Sometimes I will tell my husband that Friday night is open let's go out on a date..you make plans. And he does right down to calling a sitter. I make sure the kids have a fun dinner at home and a movie. Sometimes I will tell my husband.."hey let's go do something Saturday after all the chores are done...you plan it." And, then he does.

Husbands/Dads sometimes are used to Mom/wife running things so efficiently that they are afraid or insecure to take it on themselves. Or the alternative, early on they tried to initiate. Then they got nagged,harped on or belittled because it didn't turn out the way wife/mom wanted so then they just throw their hands up and surrender and say, "Whatever!' Whatever you want to do!"

I hope I have given you some ideas. You have got to work on this because it is causing resentment on both sides...that will eat away at loving, nurturing and kind feelings toward each other. That is a wedge that is very hard to soften. And then both parties are miserable,unfulfilled and living quite separate lives under one roof.

Good luck and best wishes!!

His answer is similar to my hubby's... and I think it's pretty common. I think it's an honest attempt to be easy going, at least in part. Imagine a different scenario: You say, "Let's go eat at the Olive Garden," and he answers, "No, why don't you just make fried chicken at home?" even though you don't have the makings for fried chicken.

On the other hand, at least some of the lack of direction stems from his preference that you take care of whatever it is. My husband is easy going on meals because he simply does not want to cook. But I know this because I've broached the subject with him. Ask your husband what's going on... it often happens that we choose to act a certain way, but are not always pleased with the results--and he seems disappointed that he is not in on any decisions. This is the perfect time to discuss this all with him, but not as an attack, not with anger.

I would say, "When I ask, and you say whatever, I feel as if I am alone making the decision/I feel more pressure because we don't decide together/I wonder how much you care what happens/I fear I irritate or bore you with too many questions." Say it from your POV, and do all you can to refrain from attacking his behavior, for that will only make him defensive. If you tell him how the noncommital comments feel, he will likely see that what he intended is not what is happening, and his comments have made nobody happy.

He may have other reasons for answering in this way. Honest questions will help you dig up what these are--or might even help him think through his reasoning.

Good luck! I know how you feel... but you are a team, and it shouldn't feel like you have to shoulder all of the decision making.

Got the same problem at my house! If you figure out a solution please share!!
Good luck & take care.

Haha J., that is what I say to my husband, and he hates it too. But I don't say it all the time like your hubby does. I just do, when he asks me where we should go out to eat, or shop. My husband does not have much free time, so I want him to go where HE wants to go, and I'll tag along. I figure if I say where I want to go, then he will go to be nice, and miss out on something he wants. I know it is frustrating!! But I don't blame you for doing what you did, I'm sure he'll get the hint now.

i have a very frustrating situation like this as well but i have a jerk husband long story! But i wasw reading the post Luna put and i got to say it sounds nice but i have done that as well and nothing gets done. My husband just gets mad BUt like i said i have a jerk husband. I hope you get great advice and it helps but no your not alone and its not hard to give an opinion.

ugh I'm on the opposite side, and I get bothered and hurt by the response you give to your guy when it;s done to M..
Instead of getting upset, I would give options if I was you. That would work for M....like do you want to go to the park or to the movies...and if he says whatever you want, it may J. be beacause he doesnt have a preference and wants o make you happy. The same with gifts, do you think Sarah would like X or X...
For M. I am a laid back person and will always put others first, so if someone ask where do you want to go, or what do you want to do, I always say whatever you want or I don't care, because I really don;t have a preference and would rather join them in what they love. My bf sometimes gets annoyed and will say what you say but nicer, and it still bothers M..
For events with my daughter I always plan everything and let him know, but when it's J. the 2 of us, I'm perfectly fine with him making the decsions...
as for gifts, I buy all the gifts, I did for my ex too...most guys I know are like that and say get what you want.