How Do You Talk About Important Things?

I agree with Jo.

I would add that maybe he feels that he can't compete with you "in real time", and wants time to sort out his thoughts. He might also be concerned with HOW you and he communicate in person, and less about these unrelated important decisions.

I'm not blaming you - but there's only two things in common to all these 'important decisions'. You. And him.

Have you asked him why he prefers the non-face-to-face route?

I do the talking and my husband "thinks" or says he's thinking about it but unless I bring it up it will never be talked about again. We've been married 9.5 years - and I have a lot of frustration and resentment while he just thinks things are just GREAT because we don't fight. He doesn't get the fact that NOT speaking about things is also a problem......

Gosh, you just described me to a tee! I am very much like your husband, in that I do not like to discuss things in person. Part of my reasons for being like that are because I am somewhat of a hot head, and blow things out of proportion easy if I haven't had the time to think things through. When my husband and I discuss things, I am usually very passive and let him make most of the decisions--I guess I may be a little too laid back. My husband has never expressed concern for me doing this, but you mentioning it does make me wonder if it bothers him!

I don't care how things are discussed so long as they are discussed.

It's really hard for me to have face to face personal disucssions about important topics.

In fact, the more important the topic, the more I need time and space to get my head together.

If I have to have an important discussion and it's in person I am very defensive, extremely prone to anxiety and it's just not productive.

I'm not "hiding" behind anything. Except I'm usually trying to get away from the demanding person that wants me to be ready and have "their" answer on "their" timeline.

How have you tried to help your husband have a conversation in what you think of as a "non-traditional conversation" but may be extremely helpful to him?

Also, you indicate that there are times when he "gives you a quick answer". If he gives you an answer..... what is there to talk about? If you disagree with what he said, then that is another issue. But if you ask him and he tells you.... then he is done. Guys tend to be like that. Kvetch to your girlfriends - that's what they are for. Guys often don't want to talk stuff to death, like we do as women. Tell him specifically what you want from him and he will either agree or say no (even if what you want from him.... is for him to come up with a solution. Tell him that's what you want). If you want him to WANT to talk face to face for hours on end...... you may need to marry a different guy.

Why do you wish he could do it in person? What is better about having a conversation that is terribly difficult for him, if the end result is that things get decided.

Marriage counselors will tell you to have a conversation in the way that is most productive toward getting EACH person's needs met, not a pre-conceived notion of what you think you want. If he needs to email, then so be it. Email him what your problem is. Concisely. Organized. Rational. Let him respond.

Also - let's pretend your hubby wrote in..... what would HIS letter say from his perspective about your behavior and how it doesn't jive with what he wants from you? Just something to think about.

I don't really have an answer for you, but my husband is very much like this. We've been married for twenty years and what I've learned to do is "plan discussions" (I don't let him in on the plan!!). We are lucky enough to have a hot tub and I've found that we talk much more freely when in the tub. I think the distraction of the TV is the part of the problem. I have also planned to bring up topics when I knew he couldn't "run away". I'll make plans for us to have a sitter so that we can go out to dinner and bring up important things at that time.

Good Luck,

M

I think its a personality trait. I cant talk when I'm upset. If I do I cry and I don't like to cry so I'd rather wait and text, or email and then follow up with a conversation at night. It's silly I foten feel like I'd like to text him back when I'm right beside him because sometimes with talking it comes out wrong or I get girly and bring up things I don't even need to talk about.
My boyfriend feels how you feel. He likes to speak in person and will often not respond to the email or text J. so he can finish the conversation in person. I think you need to compromise. Maybe he needs to think and put it in writing but you can have a follow up short talk later the next night J. confirming your decision.

I am kinda like this. If we are hiking or doing an acitivty, I tend to open up more. But I like to chat about things on the phone prior to being home and it works good........but it is not a lot of serious subjects....but we tend to get a lot discussed on the phone. lol.
I am with some of the others.........at least there is communication, some marriages there is not any at all . Have to give him a little credit.

If I were in your shoes this would drive me nuts. I personally hate the phone and feel disconnected from other people on it. I think counseling could be a good idea for the two of you to help him talk about what feels unsafe or unsettling about talking about things in person. Or if counseling is not an option, possibly you can ask him if there's anything you can do to make it easier for him. I know my big emotional reactions have, in the past, made it hard for my husband to hang in there with me, so now I know that I have to reign myself in so that our discussion can be productive and not make him shut down. That being said, it isn't fair for your husband to leave the big things to you, and I would disagree with the others who said it's ok for him to do what he needs to do (ie, text, email, phone)--because what about what YOU need? I'm a conflict-avoidant introvert but I still know it's important to talk face to face about important things: it's called intimacy.

I can imagine how frustrating this is. Your husband should be your partner and as such, should at least give you some input regarding decisions that effect the family. I was a single parent so I know how hard things are when you have to make all the decisions by yourself. It's just nice to have someone to bounce things off of and to offer a different perspective.

I understand that your husband wants to think about things before responding. There's nothing wrong with that, but once he's had that opportunity, he should be able to sit down and discuss the issue with you.

You also have to do your part and have these discussions in a calm and rational manner. It should not be confrontational. If you can't discuss things without getting or being confrontational, then I would understand why he prefers to do his communicating through electronics.

So examine how you are approaching him (calm or confrontational) and if you are calm and not coming at him in emotional distress, then he should be able to talk.

No wonder you guys don't fight - sounds like hubby won't engage!

My husband's personality has him avoiding confrontations and important decisions. It upsets the balance he feels and that is the most important thing to him.

I've found that when something needs to be discussed (important), I just have to talk. He may or may not respond - especially if it's emotionally charged - but he always hears me. It just takes him longer to process and respond. And I had to learn to accept and respect that. We may not always have a long conversation (though, he has gotten better - maybe me "letting him be" has built trust in the process) but he always thinks about it.

It sounds to me like your husband is an introvert. Introverts not only get their energy from solitude, they also need that distance and time to process things. Lots of introverts prefer communicating through means other than face-to-face. I am that way, and I am an introvert; my husband is an extrovert. He has learned to allow me space and time, and I have learned to give him as much "face time" as I possibly can. It stretches us both, but marriage means we each try to do what is best for the other...that's love. :)

I've been married 44 years and have a hubby that won't, and never has, discussed anything on a personal level - good, bad, or otherwise. When I ask for a direct opinion of something, he says, "I don't know". If I'm telling him how I feel (good or bad) he just listens and says nothing. I've cried, begged, we've had marital counseling, etc., but he's just not a communicator. He will voluntarily talk frequently about his day at work, meetings he went to, new equipment they've purchased, etc. If I had a large bug crawling in my hear, a big bugger hanging out my nose, chocolate on my chin, etc., he does not notice. I bought a wig last year that was a different style and color than my own hair. I wore it 2 days before I finally had to ask if he noticed anything different about me.

Am I lonely for affection & attention? Yes. Is he going to change? No. He is a good man, great financial supporter, doesn't drink, smoke, or hang with the guys ever. We do everything together. He just isn't a communicator.

To make a long story short, please be very grateful that your hubby at least communicates by email, text, etc., even if he isn't comfortable with face to face communication. It could be much worse (he could be like my hubby). There are many of us who would give anything for our husbands to respond and communicate in any way possible.

It could be just as simple as seeing it in text, he could see how it sounds before saying it. Also you don't have the face to face reactions so he can't see if what he said hurts you, shocks you or makes you mad. It also may not get out of hand like face to face discussions sometimes do. The good news is you are communicating, even if it isn't face to face discussions.

I'm much more comfortable writing an email than I am face-to-face. I'm a very good speaker, but typing gives me the opportunity to consider and reconsider my words.

It's not that I don't want to talk about the issue at hand, it's just that I don't want to say anything wrong. I like having time to think out my responses fully...to not be under pressure to respond immediately (like when someone is sitting there staring at you). I'm not hiding behind anything, this is just how I prefer to communicate most effectively.

I can understand why he wouldn't what to communicate when you're upset. Emotional communication is seldom accurate communication. Emotions block our critical thinking ability. It's much easier to look at a situation objectively when you aren't upset.

Instead of being mad that your husband doesn't communicate the same way you do, why don't you embrace it? You could even say to him what you'd like to say...and then ask that he get back to you about it by writing you an email after he's had time to think on it. It's a win-win.

You two need counseling. And he needs to learn how to talk to another human being about decisions that need to be made. You two need help. I'd try counseling first as a couple, and then hopefully find someone who can help him with this "phobia", because this really does sound like a phobia, to be honest.

Good luck,
Dawn