I Dont Know Who to Deal

Hi, M.,
I have been separated from my husband for 9 months and was with him for 27 years and it is very hard to handle. I have 2 grown children and it isnt easy. He also had cheated on me with girl from work who he at one time couldnt stand,so it bothers me even more. We are not divorced and he is bringing to family functions,out with kids and it just kills me. I cry everyday because he just chose to leave and til recently i took care of everything.As you do I still feel much alone and very angry. People tell me until I can let go of the anger I will not get passed it. He has been living the single life for about 1 1/2 years probably. people tell me to just move on ,but how can you when you have loved this person for half my life.
B. Jacquest of Wisconsin

What do you mean he has no responsibility? Take him to Court if you want him to have a legal obligation. Unfortunately you cannot make him realize he has a moral obligation to his son. This is probably going to come across rude, but you kind of sound a bit middle school-ish with your anger over a new girlfriend. You "made" him leave so you don't really have much say over a new person in his life. But you do have a say in your son's life. Focus on him and having a mature relationship with his father so that the child can have the wonderful life I am sure you can give him.

Of course I don't know the whole story, but I know from personal experience that you need to focus on the positives. If it helps, remember why you made him leave (but don't dwell on this at all) - you are most likely much better off without him. So what if he doesn't have responsiblities - he doesn't have the joy that you do every day with your child.
It will get better - just focus on you and your baby and think of happy things each day. GOOD LUCK

Keep your head up. I have a 4 month old that father has chosen not to see. We will soon be in court for custody and child support. He is out frequently drinking and has a new relationship. It is not easy to see that when you have all the responsibilities, but it is worth it. I know its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at times but it is well worth it.

I've been through the same. He's on girlfriend number 4 now. It's been 4-1/2 years and I have to say that raising my two kids has made that time fly. You will heal from the hurt and you will grow. Chances are that you will look at your ex and find that he is no longer a person you would even choose to date.

Don't find solace in a new relationship until you are fine with being by yourself. Take time to heal and become whole first. Pamper yourself with little things that provide you with pleasure when you are sad and lonely. Light scented candles, put on music that uplifts your mood. Have a cup of tea. Call your girlfriends. They will fill that lonely hole. When you are ready, expand You. Take a Yoga class or make sure to do some sort of exercise that you enjoy. Or, just do something that you always wanted to try.

Time truly does heal. Eventually the hurt will go away.

Best wishes for you.

I wish you the best of luck. I am in the same similar situation. I am 31 and a single mom. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. I also made his father leave simply because I did not agree with his drinking, drugging and partying. His partying included sleeping with half the county. He couldn't settle down or compromise at all. This is not how I want my son to live. The thought of him makes me so angry just for it to become the lonely feeling that never seems to end. He too has a new girlfriend ( not that I expect it to last because women are objects to him) but still I feel inadequate. And than I feel that because of me my son does not have a father. Jadyn walks around saying daddy needs help but he loves me right. Very smart 2 1/2 yr old. It breaks my heart all over. I guess my best advise is to cry, find strenghth in your child. My friends are a grreat support. I pray for the day it gets better. However, I vowed that I would not jeopardize my child or take any chance for his father to even suggest taking him from me. Kinda leads to a boring social life but Jadyns hugs and kisses and the way he makes me laugh are worth more than life itself. Jadyn is my rock and my reality as much as I want to be loved by someone for me I can not lose sight of that. I wish you the best of luck and take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel. And completely enjoy your son. They are the best gift anyone can ever recieve. If you ever need to chat I am online with yahoo messenger. phoenixfire_76

Ask yourself somthing...why would you waste tears and energy wanting someone that doesn't want you? You deserve better, and you will find better. Let whoever else have him with all the reasons you kicked him out for!!!

You will be just fine. Yes, you have all the responsibility and work, etc, and he can be as free and irresponsible as he wants.

However...as you said above...he has nothing. Replace responsibility in what you said with love, hugs, and kisses from my child.

This is what you get...

..."I have all the love, hugs, and kisses from my child and he has nothing.. " I think that says a lot, don't you? :)

It will be hard at times, but when you're sitting on the edge of your bed, trying to hide the tears 'cuz you don't kow what you're going to do, and your child comes to you and gives you a hug and says "I love you, Mommy", the pain goes away and you find a way to make it all work.

You are right, you have it all... you have your self respect for not putting up with someone who treated you badly, you have your son to love and charish, you have your home, you have yourself. He has a new girlfriend and doesn't have any of the responsiblity (I hope he is paying support) but he doesn't have any of the babies love and time, he doesn't have your respect, he doesn't have his family (you and the baby). He made a bad trade for sure. Remember the things you didn't like that caused you to kick him out and remember now that is the girl friends problem. Happiness is a choice and he can't make you happy. You must not have been happy when he was with you or you wouldn't have kicked him out.

You are feeling bad because you feel you have been replaced easily and that is a bruised ego speaking. You aren't replaceable, he settled for someone else and if it was not long after you asked to leave, he is doing the rebound love and it probably won't last anyway. If it does, then I hope she is a good person to be around your son if daddy decides he wants some of the responsiblity. Until then count your blessings and cut your losses. Even better look at it as "always blessings, never losses" because you know now what you want or don't want in a relationship and you can be picky about who you invite into your life.

Good luck and keep your chin up... this too shall pass

M., my former husband of 24 years left me for my best friend (and she was married too). This is just another wall of life and you can break through that wall! You can have a bright and happy future. Don't hang on to the past. Look to the future. When my divorce happened a friend told me that the best revenge is to be happy and they were so right!!! --R. H.

OK, first of all I just would like to know why you made hime leave? I am sure it was a good reason, or you wouldn't have done it right? I have raised my daughter by myself pretty much her whole life. Her father was abusive and I did not want her to grow up thinking that it is ok, so I left. I ended up with a protectie order, which ment he never sae her because he refused to go to court to get visitation and his right were terminated last January. I know that it is extremly hard doing it by yourslef, but if he was so quick to jump into a relasionship you are probably better off without him. If he is a part of your son's life great, if not ok. I would try to find other single parents with kids around your son's age. They are great allies when you feel like you need to vent about your ex and they can potentially trade babysitting with you which can give you a bit of time for yourself and save money. If he is not helping finatually, file for child support, he should help support his kid. I am asumming that your son is younger, but it is important for you to have a positive friendly relationship with his father if you are going to have any, and I know this sounds hard, but you are going to have to learn to live with the fact that he is going to have other girlfriends. Just so you know, being a single mother was the best thing that has ever happend to me. I went back to school, and my daughter helped me meet my boyfriend who is absolutly amazing. The first year is the hardest part, but eventually you will move on too, and you already have the best part of your ex anyway, his son.

Think of yourself only in positive terms. You don't say what happened in your marriage and that's okay. If he already has a new girlfriend he has little or no repect for you. There is nothing you can do about that. You have to have respect for yourself.
Start getting out and meeting new people. Join a club or just start getting together with friends from work. Forming friendships with people is the best way to raise your self esteem. You also need to be able to be there for your child and show him that life goes on no matter what. Show him that the two of you can be happy and have fun no matter what else is going on.
Try very hard not to say demeaning things about his dad, he will see the bad sides of his dad soon enough. Good or bad the man is the father of your child and you will have to deal with him for a long time. As your child grows up you will have less and less need to interact with his dad and once he grows up and is over 18 you don't have to see him at all. Until then make your life a time of joy and find the peace you need.

You poor thing-- I feel for you. It must be really hard. The best thing that humans having going for them is their ability to adapt. Pretty soon being a single mommy will feel totally normal and you'll wonder what your life was like before (kinda like after the baby was born! lol) Go ahead and let the bum move on so quickly. YOU got the best part of the deal: your son =)

I was a young sinlge mom of two for almost 6 years. I completley understand your feeling as I went through them too. I know it does not seem like it now, but it will pass. After awhile I came to realize that my life as well as my childrens were much better. It is not an easy road. I don't want to post my entire story, but I want you to know that things will get better. If you want to email me privatley I would be happy to help if I could. I remember those days. Keep smiling, things will get better!!

Its funny, you make them leave, and did not realize how hard it was going to be to be alone. Honestly though, if you made him leave, you shouldn't be getting so upset that he has a new girlfriend, that is not right.

There are many single moms out there, who can empathize, and who will be your best support system during this time. Try to hook up with some healthy ones instead of the bitter angry ones.

Many women have a really hard time liking themselves or seeing themselves as valuable if they are not part of a couple. Maybe you should spend some time alone(not dating) learning to like yourself, so that when the right one comes along, you will be the right one for him too. It amazed me the caliber of men that I met after I learned to like myself than the ones I had dated previously.... night and day.

Also, you should probably work out a custody agreement, but if you are like most moms, you do have a majority of the work ahead of you. Hopefully this is not a case of the grass not always being greener on the other side.

Best of luck to you!

Sorry to hear that you are bumming right now, M..

With time it will get better. Try to make a list of all the characteristics you want the person to be your life partner and stick to it while dating. Remember that you are a package deal, so the man that comes into your life needs to be open about your son. If he isn't open, he isn't the one. Once you know exactly what you are looking for, it will be easier to find it.

As for your ex boyfriend, if he already has another girlfriend, let it be a sign that he truly isn't the one. Just like Sarah McClaughen's (spelled wrong, I am sure) song says, "Hang on, this is gonna hurt like heck." Nothing will fix that but time. You will go through many emotions in the days to come...hurt, anger, love, regret, fear, but hold strong and you will be better for it eventually- You and your son.

Also, try and find peace...God helped me through this time in my life and maybe it can help you too. Good luck!

She's probaly just his rebound and he'll treat her as horrible or crappy as he did to you. Instead of being upset by it and jealous (i totally would be) feel sorry for his current girlfriend (his next victim)

Concentrate on yourself and your children go do something to better yourselves.

I was a single mom for 6.5 years and it was lonely at times but honestly it was great I was happy I raised my daughter exactly how I wanted and didn't have the drama or controlling abusive guy in my life and did whatever I wanted whenever. It's hard at first it really stings and hurts but it get's so much easier. I was very depressed and basically shut down when I became a single mom. My ex was abusive and arrested when our daughter was 6 weeks old. Totally unexpected I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be a single mom. I did the whole single mom role for years and got really good at it. Now my daughter is just about 7 years old and I finally have a really great guy in my life and am pregnant with my second child. I never thought I'd meet anyone and have more children.

Been there. I know it's hard but remember you made him leave for a reason and all they do is bring that baggage to another relationship. They get right back on the train-because they have to feed their egos. Don't take it personally, just work on yourself and enjoy your child. Don't let it get in the way of that. You will never get the time back. Things all work out eventually.

Best wishes,

Applaud yourself M. for making the decision to end an unhealthy relationship! It is difficult when the ex gets envolved with someone before you do ... but you will to some time or another get envolved with someone else also. Although it is VERY hard, I would not sit around and dwell on him having a new girlfriend. Instead, DANCE and REJOICE in the fact that he is no longer your problem!

You have a beautiful son to keep you busy and your attention needs to be focused on you and your son. Now you 2 can do all the things that you couldn't do before ... have a camping trip in the backyard, bike to the park and have a picnic, be healthy in both your bodies AND your minds. Life goes on and so will you ... and you might just realize how much you enjoy your new life.

I was a single mom for 14 yrs with 3 little ones and I enjoyed it - coming and going as I please and raising my children the way I wanted to.
Blessings Always,
D.

our situation is different in that I packed up kids and left him with his sorry self. he was an abuser and I wasn't about to be treated like that again. I gave him his chances and he blew every one. not only was I not going to be treated that way but I wasn't about to allow my children to think that's how marriage is supposed to be or that was how people are supposed to treat or be treated by other people.

with that said I had my days of being sad and angry. I had a couple of days of stupidity when I thought 'what if' but I shook it out of my head and carried on. I felt disappointed that I couldn't make my marriage work because it was just supposed to work.
but there was a very good reason that it never would and we couldn't stay anymore. So when a little ways down the road when he showed up with a girlfriend I didn't feel sad or angry that he was with someone and I wasn't, I only felt bad for her because of what she just got herself into. She left him and got a restraining order too.

So don't feel bad that he has moved on. There was a good reason that you made him leave. now she is the one who has to deal with it.

I'm right there with you on the irresponsible good for nothing issue. my ex is irresponsible personified. But as a result of his selfishness and his irresponsible attitudes my kids want nothing to do with him. they would much rather be with me and my husband who to them is Daddy. So the ex is the one who is missing on life. my dd has even told him straight to his face that there will never be any possible way that she will ever invite him to weddings or notify him of any children that she may ever have; just because of the choices that he made - choosing not to have anything to do with them for so long and thinking that they should just dote on him for no other reason than "technically I'm your father". Well, whoopty doo.

Do right by your ds. take care of him and love him, that includes dating... date with the idea that you are a package deal, because you are and that's fine. You deserve happiness. And if you are going to be sad about your ex having a girlfriend, be sad for her because she is now the recipient of all the things you couldn't live with and now she has to. She'll figure it out.

My husband left me a few months ago for another woman. Yes, it hurts deeply to hear he is out with her, and was ring shopping a week after my divorce papers were served. It is OK to be sad, my counselor tells me that often, but you have to also find times to be happy, not only for you but for your son. It takes a long time, many people have told me that, don't rush yourself. Have you tried counseling or a support group, it helps to have someone to talk to. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Do you go to church? If you find a supportive community, you may find a way to release your anger and move on. As I read your post and you say "you have all the responsibility and he has nothing.." that is very telling. You have all the responsibility and with responsibility comes satisfaction, self-confidence, the good times as well as the bad, and a real balance to life. When you have nothing, you really have nothing. I have anger about stuff too, not like your stuff, but still tough stuff. The thing that I'm working on is accepting that life is not what we think it will be. I think as little girls we grow up dreaming about what life will be like and then the journey goes in ways we never imagined (or would have wanted.) So, pray for yourself, pray for your baby , and if you can, pray for him (but don't go back to him!!!)

I know exactly how you feel, i am a single mom of a 9 month old daugther, and have to work two jobs just to pay the mortgage and monthly bills!! My ex who i was with for 5 years left me 3 weeks b/f i had our daugther and he moved in with her and her 3 kids after one week of dating her... so i know exactly how you feel, he has only seen her twice since she was born, and the last time was when she was 2 months. It is very hard at times, just not having the help or even more so, it is sad that he doesnt care enough about his own baby girl to come and see her...I thought i wasnt going to be able to ever do it with out him but you know what I CAN and i am a great mom and i am sure you are too!!! i am very blessed though b/c she is the happiest little baby girl, she never crys and is smiling non stop so that is a blessing from GOD and makes my every day!!!I think he knew i was going to be a single mom. I am still single and would love to also find some one that wants to treat me like i deserve to be treated, i know some day we will find a man that will love us for us and our children too!!! HANG IN THERE AND KEEP YOUR FAITH!!!

PS.. think of it as a blessing in disguise, I found out that my ex had been a cheater the whole 5 years, so me and MY BABY are better off with out him around!!! : )

A LITTLE ABOUT ME:
I am 33 years old and a single mom of a beautiful 9 month old daughter who is my entire life!!!!

Your situation sounds rough, but I agree with the others who have suggested pouring yourself into your child. What you get from giving your son all of your energy is a greater love than you could know. He'll grow to realize that his father has a screw loose, or something and he'll always be by your side. I have a very good friend who left her husband shortly after their son was 1. He was the type of guy who thought he still had his social life because it was the "role of the woman to stay with the children". My friend's son is now 8 and they have the most fun relationship. They laugh and have really cute inside jokes. If it came down to having to choose where he'd like to live, he'd stay with my friend instead of moving in with his dad. She does everything for him.

Treat this as a life experience. You are learning something from what is going on in your life and it's making you a better and stronger person.

Best of luck to you!! It can't be easy, but friends and family should provide a good source of comfort.

Our egos are tricky like that :)
Using EFT techinques you can get over it (or anything) in about 30 minutes. Traditional therapy is another option but have found that takes about 3 years :)
Here is a link with a video that will tell you a little bit more about EFT... http://www.emofree.com/

Remember why you asked him to leave. There must have been good solid reasons it didn't work out for you. I am sure you gave it your best to make it work and it didn't. Think of that any time you start fantasies about how great it could of/ would have been with him. My hope for you is that you are getting your needs met and receiving child support. If he is the dad of your baby make sure you do everything you can to get that squared away legally. Hang in there girl and Good luck!

I'm not sure why you kicked him out and I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Do you want him back or something? If not, just keep in mind the reasons why you kicked him out. Maybe he jumped into another relationship too soon but it could be a way for him to get his mind off of you because you no longer want him.

I'm sure you don't want to do this but you can hand custody over to him and he will have all the responsiblity and you. Try getting him to give child support or see if he can visit more or arrange where he also sees his child every other weekend so you get down time. won't have to have as much or be strong and suck it up.

My husband will go up north every weekend from April-June and I get no break and I have two kids that bicker and fight a lot. I suck it up because I'd rather not have him take them up north with him. I'd worry too much and miss them too much.

Hang in there things always get better. Get yourself a baby sitter and find yourself a date.

Hi M.!!

I don't know what it would be like for you right now, it must be pretty stressful.
However, you must have wanted him to leave for a reason, but ofcourse it will take sometime to heal, you two just shared having a baby together!!
If he was that quick to get a girlfriend then just let him go and concentrate on your new bundle, don't let the stress of him get in the way of the baby and DON'T use your baby to get back at the father, that only makes things worse and you will be the one paying for that one in the end.
But make sure he takes care of his end of being a father too!! Eventhough your not together, your baby needs BOTH parents.
Everything will take time, don't be afraid of asking close friends and family for help:)
Take care, Gina

just stay strong for your son. i know kids can sense tension but we do what we do. just makes sure he's always first this way he won't start thinking it's his fault your down in the dumps.
if you need to talk just holler.

M., I know how it is to be in your shoes. Not to soon after i had my first child my husband was abandoning me and my child for days at a time having affairs and doing drugs. I finally gave him the boot and moved back home and filed for divorce. Before i had even filed he had a new girlfriend for months and had been seeing us both. It was hard back then and i didnt ever think i would recover. But now that i look back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I still get frustrated with my childs father since he never deals with his responsibility or helps me out with him. But all i can worry about is how i parent my child. I can only do the best job i can do. I cant make his father become responsible. He is the one missing out. You should see that. There is help out there too, if you need it being a single mom. I know its hard, but there isnt a thing that i wouldnt do for my kids. It will be ok. Trust me. Im living proof that life goes on and you can be happy without him. Hope it helps a little.

I agree to be the best mommy you can to your son! HOwever, you need to be sure to spend some time focusing on YOU! You are so much more than a mom and never forget that! You will meet someone else but be sure you take the time and the energy once in awhile to put yourself 1st, take a moment to pamper yourself, and the right one will walk in. There is a reason you made him leave, accept it and move on! It's his loss!!