Getting Want I Want Without Being Greedy...

I believe this was already said, but you should qualify for Legal Aid. The attorneys there handle situations like this on a regular basis, and know what steps you need to take. It takes 2 parents to create a child and he needs to take responsibility for his part.

A.,

It will be okay. I just wanted to tell you that makeing him take resposibility for his child does not make you a gold digger. I know his families attitude towards this situation doesn't make it any easier, but you have to stand up for yourself and your son. My ex's dad basicly thinks that what he's doing is okay, because he needs to be a kid, and so what if he is ruining his life. When they found out i was pregnant his parents attitude was "oh our poor little boy, his life is over." Since he has broken up with me he has been suspended from school twice, and probally drunk 75% of the time. I know that i'm better off without him, and from the sound of things you are better off too. I know that it is hard right now, and you're really scared, but you need too realize that you can make it on your own and you don't need anyone else. I pomise things will get better, i didn't belive that they would, but they will.

I'm sure that you feel like your world has been turned upside-down, and NOTHING is going as planned, but you will find that once you get a routine it will be better. I find that just looking at my baby, and relizeing that every moment is precious, and it's not worth wasteing those precious moments worrying about what you can't change. Just remember that you have the best part of him, and no matter what you're going to be FINE!!!! Good luck with your teaching degree, i'm going to be an art teacher.

Madi

Hi A. (((((((Hugs)))))))) to you.

Everyone is giving great advice about calling a lawyer. Don't give a rats butt if his parents think you are after their money. His parent's are the reason your ex is so irresponsible. He's never had any responsibility a day in his life. Don't let him wiggle out of this one. You hold your head high and take care of your little boy. You didn't make this baby by yourself and he needs to man up and help you financially. It has nothing to do with his parents. Be strong with how they are judging you. People like that annoy the heck out me.

Don't worry about his new girlfriend or his parent's. Go into robot mode. Are you able to move back where your family is? If it was me I would go back home ASAP and not worry about my child seeing his dad and only once a month. That would be so confusing. Your either there on a regular basis or not at all. Odds are he'll skip out on his monthly visits. Run don't but walk away from this BOY and his family and take legal actions. Will your credits transfer? Don't worry about what his stupid parents will think of you. Be strong and please let us know how it goes.

Hugs again
Ann,

Go through the county and apply for child support. It has nothing to do with his family's money. And they will not collect money until he has a job, but it will be in place and will start accruing a past debt for him to pay off when he starts working. I know this does not help you right now with getting help from him, but it will make a huge difference down the road. I had my son in college when I was twenty, and he is now 10 almost 11. His dad did not pay child support the first 2 years of Aaron's life, but now has him every other weekend and pays regular child support, and has even paid back overdue support from when I was doing everything on my own. If you need to talk it out I'd be happy to listen or give you any advice. The Mn child support website to get started is:
http://www.childsupport.dhs.state.mn.us/Action/Welcome

I remember how fast I had to grow up when Aaron was born, and how I wouldn't change having him for my freedom to live that single life, but I also remember how hard it was to see my friends dating, going out, having money to do things when I had to buy diapers. You will be a great mom, and you will have a great life with him! I have been married for 6 1/2 years and have two more beautiful children. I would not change a minute if I could go back. God bless!

1. He HAS to pay for the care of the child even if he never sees him. I am so happy to hear that he wants to be a pilot, because they make in the six figures (more money for your son!)
2. Forget about his family! Who cares what they think.
3. Yes, use the fact that he denied having a child...and that he is dating a child! He's 22 and she is 17...ick!

A.,

I know it is hard to see someone you cared about with someone new. I applaud you for continuing your education while taking care of your son all on your own. It will get better I promise. I was a single mom of 3 when I was 25 living in CA and all of my family in Texas. Don't worry about what he or his family thinks the courts will be the ones to decide what he pays in child support. And if he isn't working now that is his problem he will have to find a job real quick. My advice to you is to keep receipts of all your expenses for your son. This will help the judge to decide what your ex will need to help contribute. You are not being greedy you are doing what is best for your son. When my ex and I split the 1st time I didn't want anything from him. I was told that while I may not want anything from him I needed to think about what the kids needed and they were right. Even if I didn't need anything from him I could have put whatever money aside I would have recieved from him into a savings for their future. When we finally divorce 4 years later I had just went back to work. It was hard financially for me and my kids. My ex refused to pay the court ordered support thinking he was hurting me and that I was only after his money. For one, he really didn't have any money but like you I felt he needed to use what money he had to support his kids and not the girlfriend. This was about 11 years ago and now he is a single dad of a 4 year old being put through a taste of his own medicine. He has apologized numerous times for how he handled things. Age has a lot to do with it as well. Just remember that people will always believe what they want and you can't change that. As long as you are doing what is in your son's best interest that is all that matters. Right now they are angry at the situation and are taking it out on you. I wish you well and know that it will get better.

It takes two to tango.

The one thing that I learned in life is to not prejudge, and to get all the facts before submitting any kind of suggestion.

If what you are saying is completely truthful, I would say that he needs to step up to the plate regardless. There are laws out there to help children with dead beat dads.

He should'nt be able to leave and not be held responsible. He could've worn a condem!

It's both your child. And now, both your responsibilities, unless you choose to put your baby up for adoption. There are plenty of moms that can't have children that would love the opportunity to give your baby a good home.

What do his parents feel. Are they excited about becoming grandparents? Do they want to help you?

Do you want to keep the baby? Or do you feel you are too young? There are all sorts of opportunities for you and your ex to choose from.

It's tough being a single mom. My SIL went through it early in her marriage. We ended up helping her out. Is there anyone else that can help you?

J.

Fathers (and mothers for that matter) who choose not to see their child AT ALL are still required to be financially responsible, unless you choose to let him out of it. Why do you feel greedy? Keep your child's welfare in mind and who cares about what your ex wants. He's spending money on the new girlfriend, going out on dates etc., so why shouldn't he be able to support the child he helped bring into the world.

For your own sanity, hire a lawyer to hash everything out. Who cares what his family thinks and who cares if he has another girlfriend. It's time to think about you and your child and you really are much better off without him.

I am not sure what state you are in. But if you are in Wisconsin (and probably most other states) your county should have a child support office. You can go there and they can help you with the child support end of it. Child support is often set by a percentage of income as opposed to what you need to raise the child. Even though he is not working, the court could impose an income on him to set child support.

Best of luck to you.

I do agree that you MUST seek child support regardless of whether he's going to college or not. I don't agree with using hurtful information though... I'm not sure how that will help your child. And even if it does, why make a bad situation worse? Your child will suffer because of it. Take the high road.
You state that you need to make the custody issue legal, it's during that process when you need to request child support. Make the courts a part of it instead of asking him or his parents directly. You should expect him to provide health coverage for your son, plus help out with other expenses such as clothing, food, shelter, and daycare. Like someone else said, the less time he spends with him, the more money he should provide. The Custodial Parent is the one that gets money from the Non-Custodial Parent and that is based on the time each cares for the child plus other factors such as how much money each makes. I'm sure that your state has rules about these things when both of the parents are going to college (or not making any money).
And yes, do forget about what your child's grandparents think as far as the money goes. You are seeking CHILD support, not alimony!
Keep track of any and all expenses you incur on behalf of your child so you have an idea of how much money you should be receiving from him. Be cool and collected (easier said than done!) so they don't try to make you out to be a crazy gold digger.
Good luck!

I just finished my court and child support hearing for my son. My son's father denied him and hadn't seen him. Finally visited for the first time and my son is now 7 months old. Legally he must pay and if he denies it is his child they will make him take a paternity test and he will have to pay. Good luck.

I think the first thing you need to start with is that he has a legal responsibility to support his son. The visitation issue is separate. Having him only one weekend a month means that you have him most of the time, so most of the out of pocket expenses are yours - that means he should pay more in support than if he had the child half the time. Get to a lawyer!

A., I am sorry to hear you are going through this! I would definitely talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Even though you were not married, your ex is still the father of your child and needs to be held accountable for his responsibilities. That is the bottom line. Whether or not his family thinks you "trapped" him is really a non-issue. He participated in the whole baby-making process too!
He needs to be responsible for child support even if he only plans to see his child once a month. Your son is entitled to daily financial support especially if you have full-time custody.
You definitely need to talk to a lawyer!!! Good luck!

HTH,
A.

I agree with many of the other responses - Get legal help, get custody of your son and go after child support to the fullest extent you can.

It doesn't matter what his parents think - they should be ashamed of his behavior!

Good Luck.

The very first thing you need to do is go talk to a lawyer!!!! DO NOT let him get away with not taking care of his child I don't care if he is in college. The courts will decide on how much he needs to pay on child support. If you don't do it now it will be harder to get it done down the line. I found that out the hard way! He is your child's father and he needs to help raise him. DO NOT under circumstances, feel sorry for him.
Think of this way. You are going to college too, why is up to you to take care of the child all on your own. It doesn't matter if he only wants him once a month, sounds like he's just trying to get out of paying you anything to me!

A., it doesn't matter what his family's perception of your motives might be. You need to put your child first. I think your first step needs to be contacting Social Services for your county of residence to apply for Legal Aid. You should qualify for free legal counsel for this. They can provide you with a lawyer who will help you to know what your rights and obligations are and who can help you decide what a fair amount is for child support. Whether your ex can afford it or not, he has an obligation to your child just as much as you do. There's no reason why he shouldn't be helping. If his parents want to pay it for him so he won't have to work, that's their choice. He's capable of working and helping to pay for your child's needs. Definitely set it up so that he has that responsibility. Establishing child support is going to make it a lot easier for you to continue in your education and make a better life for your son.

My only other advice for you...look to your family for support. If you're all alone where you are now, you may want to consider moving back to be closer to your family. It's not that difficult to transfer colleges and you may qualify for extra scholarships and things simply because you're a single mom. Talk to your family and let them know what is going on and how you're feeling. They'll most likely be happy to give you the emotional support that you're going to need as you go through all of this. And no matter what happens, remember that your child's needs and your needs come before everything else. People's perceptions and any inconvenience your ex has to experience are nothing when it comes to making sure your child has a good life and a healthy, happy mom!

You need an attorney. Try a legal aid office if you can't afford to pay top dollar. He does have to and can pay child support. The state will look at his earning capacity and not if he does or does not have a job. Furthermore, job or no job he will have to pay a minimum amount of child support (usually only $50). If you are anticipating getting any kind of state benefits (health insurance for the child for example) the state will pursue child support on your behalf. Chances are you won't have to use anything against him because from what you say he doesn't want to have much to do with his child.

I am so sorry about yout situation. As a mom who has a full team in place I would tell you to move home! I have nothing but respect for single moms, but single moms can be good moms without SOME kind of support team. So, I would suggest moving home by your parents if they can help you in any way. Your boyfriend also made a choice that now he needs to support. Stop worrying about what it LOOKS like and just accept that you need money to raise a child. It is very noble to want nothing from him, but there is a reason laws were set up for both partners to financially care for children. He needs to do his part for his child (and that isnt' just taking him one weekend a month!). He doesn't need to support YOU - he needs to support his child - for the rest of the child's life. You need to hire an attorney to help you figure out what you will really need. If you do move home, you will have a new hurdle to jump of that one weekend a month, but I am sure an attorney can help you figure that out as well. And stop worrying about how he will come up with the money. He made his choices and now he has consequences that HE needs to deal with (you don't need to figure that out for him). It doesn't need to be bitter, it is just real life. Our kids will all be better off if we help them learn about natural consequences of our actions. Sounds like his parents bail him out and haven't allowed him to learn that lesson early on. Now, his consequences are bigger and affect more people. It is sad but it is a lesson you can take - you can use it as a reminder that YOU need to help your son learn about consequences at an early age so he has the critical thinking skills when he is a young adult to figure things like this out on his own! You can be the one that breaks the cycle! I will say a prayer for you and your family! Best of luck!

Ok - you need to get real here. You are young and you are doing a wonderful thing by staying in school. That said, you need help. It is his responsibility to raise HIS son 50%. If all he wants is one weekend a month, fine. You can't force your child on him. But that doesn't maan that he gets to skate financially. Put him on child support. Who cares what his family thinks? That is their problem. Last time I looked, when he hit 18, he became an adult. Therefore, if he gets put on child support, it is his responsibility, not his parents. If they feel they need to jump in and rescue him, that is their problem. What happens if you don't make him step up? How are you going to continue to go to school and take care of your child? Its not fair for you to have to drop out because "he can't work." Lots of people work full time and go to school at night or some other situation. He can figure it out. If he is man enough to leave you and your son, he is man enough to take care of his child. Don't worry about his family. Worry about you and your son. You don't have to worry about how much to "expect." The court will take care of that. Do something immediately. If you can't afford a lawyer, Legal Aid will help you. Remember, it wasn't just your "accident." He laid down with you, and if he is man enough to open his legs, then he is man enough to accept the consequences, just like you are woman enough to accept what happened.

I'm sorry for your situation. My advice would be to remain civil with your ex, at least around your son, and do whatever you have to do to make sure your son has what he needs. Just because your ex has decided that its no longer convenient for him to have a child, doesn't mean that you or your son should suffer. I haven't been through a divorce myself, but I am a child of divorce. Getting the things you need for your son does not make you greedy. He is the one who is being selfish not you. Sorry..... its just so infuriating to me when I hear about guys that think that parenthood is just something you can quit when you're tired of it. You sound like a good mom. He has left you high and dry and you deserve to get what is coming to you and your son. That most certainly does NOT make you greedy!!

My question is how does your x's parents treat your son? Do they treat him like a grandson or not pay any attention to him at all? I would say get the custody issue out of the way-make it legal and then go after child support. Some states make a man get a job in order to support their child. Check what it is for the state that you live in. Can you go back to where your family is and finish school there? This is a place where you are able to get more support. If your family is supportive they can help you out however they can. Your son deserves to get support from his father and this is NOT being greedy on your part. I have to say even if you were not on the pill and said you were it would still be just as much his responsibilty as yours. He could have insisited on using a condom just to make sure. Besides nothing is 100%. Good luck and I hope everything goes good for you.

Getting what you need for your childs welfare is NOT greedy. Contact Child and Family service immediately. If you are going to school, I'm sure you will qualify for WIC, and also some help on your education. There should be a contact at your college or university for help as well. They can guide you. As for your ex., file the necessary papers for paternity. If he denys the child, the service will demand a paternity test. Child support, court ordered can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months to process. You will be guaranteed back support, but it will be hard to wait, so get started on that right away. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. This money is not for you, it is for your child, and his NEEDS come before your dignity. Your ex will have to pay according to what he is capable of making, not what he is making. Do not make this an anger issue, make it a necessity issue. Be calm, concentrate on YOURS AND YOUR SONS future. God be with you.

First of all, I feel for you and I really wish you the best. Family and support is what you need the most right now (besides money). Is there any way you can transfer your credits and apply to another school that is closer to your family? Maybe leaving the whole situation and starting over with just you and your son (and family nearby) would be easier on you emotionally. Plus, if he wants only 1 weekend a month...that is nothing!!! Be strong and you will make it through this!

You are not being greedy and you have every right to expect your ex boyfriend to help support this child. Regardless of the reason you got pregnant, he is equally responsible. Since his daddy can afford to pay for everything else, he can probably afford to help pay for this responsibility as well! Keep fighting for what is right for your son!

As far as your own personal well-being, can you transfer to go to a school closer to your own family? If not, you may look into the community to see what kind of resources are available to support single mothers-the YM/YWCA often have programs and I'm sure there are others. You will need the support, but I'm sure your son will bring you much joy.

i pretty much agree with alot of what has already been said. So really I just want to say do what is right for you and your baby, Lots of hugs and good luck

Hi A.,

It really isn't going to how nice you play, if they already think that you will not be able to change anybodys mind. Consult an attorney and let him guide you through the process. He has to be held responsible for his child so I would make sure it is in writting that he pay for half of expenses such as daycare and anything else that is going to come up in the future such as uncovered medical expenses and sports. You may want to consider moving closer to your family. You will need there support in the years to come. good luck
D.

i don't know what state you're in, but hopefully your law states that he has to pay some kind of child support if he has a job or not. fight for it. stick to your guns and do what's best for your child. don't worry what his parents think because they are just sticking up for their child too. don't let any of them see the baby until you see some help. i was a single mom still trying to collect back support he owes and i finally realized i'm not greedy-i just can't do it all on my own. when i miss work for whatever reason, i don't get out of supporting my daughter so why should he?! good luck with your future as a teacher!!!

S.