I Feel Abandoned by My Military Husband; I Am Pregnant and Have Two Children

Dear D., I would not normally respond to a post that I have no direct experience with. However, you sound so emotionally drained and frustrated that I had to reach out to you! I have read the other responses, and agree that you need some other support in your community such as church groups or other mothers to lean on. But more importantly, you and your husband need to find a way to communicate. Your frustration stems from not feeling heard and understood. The base must offer some kind of marriage councelling, and this might be the lifesaver that you are looking for. My other thoughts may not be popular with the other readers, but please try and be open. I believe that each one of us is the creator of our environment and ultimately responsible for our own happiness. What I mean is that you have the choice every day on how you percieve and respond to the cards that life is dealing you. The greatest defense is always a strong offence. Become the strong, empowered, joyful woman that you are and that your children need. Take charge of your schedule, get sitters to help you, find other women that you can lean on for courage & watching your kids, look into marriage councelling, take pride in your appearance, book yourself a pedicure over the weekend that your husband is home & organize an activity for him to do with the kids. Be happy, vivacious & empowered. Perhaps your stregnth & joy will pull him back to the home. I am not saying that it is your fault that he is away. But it is your duty, whatever lies ahead, for you to find your spirit & your stregth every day - for yourself, and for your children. Don't be a victim, be a power to be reconed with!!! You can do it!!!! Much love & support, D.

My husband is in the military as well. He has a pretty fun job, and goes on trips in which he get's a lot of leisure time. Whenever he's home... he seems like he just wants the babies to take naps, and stay out of his hair. Totally understand where your coming from. As far as advise... I don't think there is any. If your husband is like mine... he won't get the picture. Just don't stress yourself, and try to make the best of it. Next weekend when your husband comes home. Right when he get's home walk out that door and have a day for you!! Tell him he might work... but your job is 24/7 and you need breaks from the kids to.

I completely understand your frustration. My husband is at home with me and often times I still feel alone because he's so driven with his business that he usually doesn't focus on me. Meaning that it's an excuse not to deal with his family and I believe that your husband has the same issue. If men want to make time for their family, they can. So I don't believe that he is completely helpless when it comes time to spending time with family or helping you raise your children.

With that being stated, do you have a church that you can go to and attend some life groups? I have found those to be very helpful. It's a chance to get away and talk with other adults and talk about issues like this. If you have discussed this with your husband and he still refuses to address your concerns then it may be time to weigh your options and see what is best for you at this point in your life.

It seems that your husband is ok with you all having more kids but that it's not ok for you both to help raise them. I thought having two was hard but I could not imagine having three all to myself, I would be totally overwhelmed.

Are you open to having another mother watch your kids so you can have some free time? I totally understand the apprehension of letting a stranger watch your children but sometimes it's necessary so you can keep your sanity.

Hello D.,
What you need to do is make some friends, and not have any more kids after this one. This way you will have the ability to enjoy your life as you so deserve. No one said this was going to be easy, but your husband can't change the fact that he is in the military. This is what he signed up to do, and you did marry him. Don't worry about graduate school. Have you looked in to M.O.P.S. ? A girlfriend of mine has 3 kids, and she loved it. There are also some neat church groups out there. You could connect with people like yourself with kids in the same age group. I would suggest that your husband get a Vasectomy.

I am really sorry to hear about your situation... My husband is also in the military but we live 15 minutes from the base... The only thing that I can think of is maybe you should move closer to his work so that he will be home EVERY night to help you. These children are not all your resposiblity. When he comes home on the weekends how does he treat you and the kids? Does he help out? My husband does not help me much. I am kinda in your situation but my husband is here. I am really sorry about your situation. I am here to talk if you like...Talk to you soon

I used to work at LA AFB and I know several military and civilian people that lived over an hour away from the base. They take a vanpool to work everyday. It seems to work out for them. Personally, I'd prefer my husband to be home every night than 3 times a week. If your husband is high in ranks like you said then money should not be a problem for you. The military pays your housing allowance based on the # of dependents, Cost of Living Allowance and Basic Allowance for Subsistence plus Base Pay. I'm not sure where you're getting Family Separation Pay since the military only pays that if the member is deployed or TDY for more than 30 days. I think if you really want him home you would have said yes when he asked you. If you really wnat him home every night then say so don't make any excuses for him.

D.,

I am a working mother of two, military wife (of 11 years) and Ombudsman for my husband's command. We own a home ~45-50 minutes from the base. We are on the west coast and my entire family is on the east coast. My husband and I both work long hours. He gets very tired and I feel badly for him sometimes. However (& this is a big "however")- his obligation is to this family first. There have been a few times throughout the year that he has had to work late into the night (11 pm) and I have just told him to stay there. These moments are few and far between. I have always told him that he wants to live like a single man with no familial obligations, then he should just be single. I have not agreed to be a military wife to continue to be a single mother while he is NOT deployed. I could just do that living at home with some real family support.

Your husband is feeding you BS. Don't eat it! I don't know what rank he is, but if he is high-ranking, he has a bit of leeway when it comes to hours. You are really too close to the base for him to justify a "geo-bachelor" life. Since you are not working out of the house at the moment, you should move into base housing (or at least closer to base). At least he won't have the luxury of isolating you. You need a network of support and most of that comes from your husband. He is supposed to be your partner. He is not respecting you as a person with needs (because his are all being met). He can't see the forest for the trees (HIS trees). I would suggest standing up to him. Take a stand and don't falter. You can't really blame him for acting this way. He has his cake and eats it too. He has a dutiful wife at home who is raising his children while he is only responsible for himself. This is something I will not put up with from my husband, but I see it a lot. He is away from his family enough while on deployment. There is no reason that his children should suffer through even more absences (& they do suffer). Think about what you want and take steps to prepare for it. Whether it's moving closer or on the base, call and get information so you have everything laid out if your husband is still unwilling to come home doing the week.
You can contact me any time you want. I would be willing to help you with anything at all.

D.,
What a handful of life. I have many thoughts that I will keep to myself because I don't know everything and I certainly don't know your husband. Yet, I do want to comment on just a couple of things you talked about. Being a stay a home Mom is a blessing but a lot of work!!! It can be very isolating. I assume your 7 year old goes to school - can you volunteer there? Ask the teacher if there are other volunteer Moms that would like to trade babysiting and volunteering. You know once a month you babysit for that Mom so she can volunteer and visa versa once a month for you. I also want to ask if you are active in a church - they often have Mommy and Me groups for Moms to talk and the kids to play out a lot of energy. Plus the prayer support would help trememdously. Then you did make a comment about graduate school - wow. I am a graduate admissions counselor and a counselor on a college campus so I know what a huge bite you are chewing on here. Maybe this isn't the right time for that type of pressure. Graduate school on single women is hard let alone a Mom. I will lift you marriage, your mind and your heart along with you itty bitties up in prayer. Remember the old saying time heals all - they may feel like just words now but they are very true. I also want to add that counseling would really help - since your husband is gone through the week it would be hard for him but you should go. If you are in the Prescott area I would highly recommend Dr. Elizebeth Dahlmeier-Sousa LMFT (she is awesome) or Dr. John Wyma (quite a listener).

I hope this helps,

D.

Hi D.,
I started to write a response but when I read your follow up you seem ok. I was a stay at home mom too. If you would like a break though, church will give 2 hours on Sundays and MOPS will give you 2 times a week for 2 hours where you can meet other ladies doing different things and the children are doing their own activities in another room. That is how I made it through a lot of deployments. YOu have to refill that pitcher and not run on empty too much or you might get some resentment or depression, been there. Both my children are in school now. Did you hear about he military helping spouses with degrees for portable careers it was in the military paper there was one for up to e5 but there is another one too for higher ranks.
-S.

D.,I kow this is a little late. I to was married to a military man (29 yrs). I do not believe that money could be the only issue. When we divorced he was an 06 as someone pointed out before how could he be getting paid twice for housing?
Is it just more convenient for him to stay away, no real responsibility. You didn't mention how his interaction was when he came home. Does he spend a lot of time with you and the girls? Or is he just there because it seems to be his duty.
I was also very frugal with our money. Once he retired he asked for a divorce and is making a very good living without me and not paying a mortgage. I was lucky enough to be strapped with that contribution. Unlike you I was the mom that volunteered for everything. At least you are continueing your education, I hope all works out for you. Remember you are the one raising the girls pretty much with no input from him.
You are pretty much a single SAHM. Ask yourself do you really want him home everyday? I knew in my case I did. At one time we were 50 miles way from the base and yet he made it home everyday, and yes we were purchasing a home at that time.
C.

I understand completely how you feel - my husband is also active duty military and is currently stationed stateside for the next 3 years. The job that he has chosen causes him to have extremely long hours and there are often times that I feel like I am a single parent to our son and I am extremely nervous to have number #2 come around in June.
My advice to you is to get out - I have found a great babysiter in my neighborhood that I take advantage of about every other week. I find that the time away from my son gives me a little bit of sanity and in all honesty makes me a better mother. I go out for about an hour or two - not the whole day. But if I do not I will not get a break from my son, which I desperately need. I have also made some great girlfriends that I can spend time with and helps me out.

I hope that this helps you and that you are able to find a few moments for yourself - I know how much that can make a day!

you're trying to do too much --you don't have time for graduate school right now. God didn't do this but you do need some help. You gotta make some friends. Bake some cake and go meet your neighbors. Find some old people who love to visit with the kids. Three kids is probably enough for now. Being a mom is not about being a martyr but it is about not being selfish. You have to put the kids needs above yours for quite a while yet. You can't really do anything about his behavior, just try to be all you can be

Hi D.,

Wow...you get the mother of the year award in my book. I have 2 kids, 6 and 4. For a couple of years, my husband was traveling a lot overseas for work (for 1-2 weeks at a time), and that was very difficult for me. One time he called me from Paris and described how much he missed me as he dined in a little chateau with some of the best food he had ever had - as he was telling me about this, I was literally pulling a "Smart Ones" out of the microwave for lunch. You are obviously a very strong woman - I can only imagine how angry you must feel. Is there a mom's club in your area? Or maybe your city community center where they have a parent's night out? I don't know...I really wish I could offer more ideas. You definitely need some support - I hope things get better for you...hang in there!

Hello D.,
I am very sorry for the emptiness you are feeling right now and understand your pain and frustration. I too am a stay at home mom and my husband is in the military, also an hour away, but he comes home everyday. Still, he is so tired, because of the intensity of his job and long hours,he is also drained, so sometimes I feel alone, even when he's here, because he's sleeping or doing his own thing. But we have great times together besides that. I don't get why your husband is not coming home; and where is he staying? It makes no sense. Is everything great on the weekends with you guys when you reunite? Are you keeping up yourself and the house, making the house welcoming, letting you know how great it is that he's home instead of getting mad because he hasn't been there all week? That can be very difficult to do, I know. You could both be resenting each other. If things are good when he comes home and your not just crying all the time when he's around, or even if you are, I would be trying to get counseling for sure and maybe a counseler can help you figure out what is going on there. I agree with everyone on getting involved w/ church, Bible study, mama groups, and what Jo G and Donna J had to say, but it seems like there is a deeper issue here. PLEASE email me if you'd like. You DO need to take charge of the situation and find that emotional connection w/ your hubby, you definately can't do it alone, but with God's help, He can get you through ANY situation, stay in prayer and follow some of the advice from these wonderful ladies! You will be in my heart and prayers!

Here is what I think. You didn't say how old you are, but you sound like a younger woman ~ because an older woman (35+) would not put up with this kind of nonsense. You need to stop the tears and start standing up for yourself. TELL your husband what you need and stick to your guns. He has been telling you that he NEEDS to stay at the base all week, and that he NEEDS the higher salary that comes with his job. Fine. Tell him that you NEED to live much closer to base if he isn't going to be coming home during the week. He will not be excited about this, because he has the best of both worlds right now. He is a married man who is able to live like a single man. To what extent, who knows? And it isn't just about you. What about the kids? They are growing up without a father. If he is only going to be a weekend father, you may as well be divorced. You need to step up to the plate for yourself and your kids, and stop ignoring your needs. Tell him you NEED to either move closer to him before baby #3 is born, or he NEEDS to start coming home every night. An hour is not that big of a commute. If he blows you off, you know that your marriage isn't a marriage after all. Its a single guy with a weekend family. Marriage is people caring about each other. Helping each other. It is a two way street. If he disregards your feelings, your needs, your sanity ~ you are fooling yourself when you say you are married. It will be hard to get his attention and make him know you are serious and need immediate change, but you are a mom. You are a woman. Don't be the doormat he walks across twice a week. Tell him that if he isn't willing to move you closer, or come home every night, he might as well stop coming home on weekends, too.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so alone. I am glad that you are reaching out.

Sounds like you and your husband need to re-evaluate what it is that you want for your family. Why do you feel that God is preparing you for in case your husband leaves you? Others have suggested moving closer to the base. If you did, would he be more involved with the family?

Remember that your feelings are genuine and need to be addressed. But keep in mind that pregnancy hormones can easily affect your feelings.

Ask your husband to remember what kind of a father he said he wanted to be. What kind of a husband he said he wanted to be. Let him know how you feel. And don't be afraid to seek counseling.

In the mean time. Get yourself out of the house. Get together with other military wives. You're not alone. Spend time with your children. Have play dates with other moms and their kids. Plan family time.

D.,

All of the other responses have been great, but let me ask one 'out of the box' question...why do you live so far from the base? If that's where your husband's job takes him every day, is there any possibility of moving closer to the base so that he has no excuse not to come home every night and so that you can take advantage of all of the amenities and support the base has to offer? Just a thought...

D.,

I really feel for you as I read your post. I think a lot of women can identify with feeling alone in this, especially if you don't have the support of extended family. But your case is even more intense because your husband is PHYSICALLY absent during the whole week. And when he returns for the weekend, it seems like he is also emotionally absent. Even if he cares, he probably doesn't know how to respond. Men tend to want to fix our problems, and when they can't (which is his case: he can't quit his job), they don't know what else to do and they shut down, feeling like a failure or resentful at you. I would try to communicate to him that you really need to be heard and THEN maybe he could help you brainstorm about options and solutions.
The other thing is that you have to create a community around you. Whether it is through church or a mom's group, if not for help, at least to hang out for playdates and not feel so lonely. Is Grad School the best way you can take care of yourself? Grad School was pretty stressful for me and I can't imagine having to do it with raising kids on my own. Not that it is not important, especially if you are anticipating a possible separation, but I am wondering if there are other things you could do too. Since his job is better money but it has a price, could you use some of that money to pay a sitter, maybe once a month, or once a week, and just do sthg for you?
I know it won't fix the sense of loneliness that you have in your marriage, but I am getting there. About that, I am thinking that maybe you might benefit from marriage counseling. There is no shame in this, so many couples should do it much earlier than they do, before things get real bad. A good counselor would be able to help you communicate with each other beyond the reactive level, at a deeper level, where you feel the longing to be connected.

Let me know if you need help finding resources in your area.
Take care of yourself, and don't isolate.
Best, A.

http://healingjourney.marriage-family.com

Hi, D.,

I am not going to tell you what to do. I am just going to tell you that I sympathize. I come from a military family. I am a military vet (Air Force officer). My husband, a touring musician, is overseas for months at a time, has a very irregular schedule, often leaving on a moment's notice. Unlike people in the military, he gets no benefits. I am a graduate student (as well as a part-time teacher). Studying/attending university is fun to me and makes me feel balanced. I have two babies, aged 20 months and 6 months. I am still trying to figure out how to live my life.

Good luck. Let me know how you work things out.

Lynne E

I've been a military wife for almost 10 years and I once was the president of my husbands ships family support group..here's my advice..contact your family Liason. We are navy so we have Fleet and family services or the ships command ombudsman..Either way all branches have a family support center..contact them and let them know the situation. They can offer all sorts of help including counseling and such. IT is not right that you are to do it all alone, especially because he isnt even deployed. Now if he were deployed then I'd say keep it together girl and be strong..you can do it. But the fact that he is an hour away and not helping you out is down right unexcusable. Time for him to step up and recognize the fact that he is a husband and a father. What about you all moving closer? You and your children should be a priority. I hope this situation improves for you and if it doesnt then remember that you are a strong woman who can handle this. We military wives do it ALL when they are deployed, nothing saying we cant do it all the time.