H.H.
Hi, M. --
I bet I am one of the few people who can say that I know exactly where you're coming from with this! My experience with my daughter was so different from anything anyone described to me before I had her that I felt for a LONG time that there was something wrong with me. I felt rejected, demoralized, and inept, not to mention helpless. I'd never met with that kind of social failure, especially in a situation where I was giving 100% of myself, every single day. None of that is good.
My daughter is incredibly independent and has always been. She's a goer and a doer, and until she could walk and communicate, she was extremely frustrated and angry, short-fused and inconsollabe. She didn't want to be comforted and could NOT be comforted by me. She didn't want to cuddle or be held close or have her hands touched or manipulated in any way. She didn't want me to sing to her or to read to her... She was even aggravated by breastfeeding. I could go on and on.
I had MASSIVE bouts of self-doubt and sadness because of this. But, once I'd get it out, I'd rebound from it and go on to have renewed hope that it would one day resolve. I just continued to try to understand the child she is and to give her love and to BE MYSELF. I have good friends and lots of very loving, wonderful relationships, so, deep down, I could always remind myself that "it's not ME!"
Anyway, as my daughter grew older and started to be more aware and intrigued by the stuff of life, she began to incorporate me more into her life and into her needs. I would still say that she's not needy of me -- she's still a firebrand and definitely has an explorer's spirit -- but she definitely loves me and loves to be involved with me. I know that I am now hugely significant to her, and I know she now graps what I have to contribute to her. So, every day, our relationship is better than the day before -- and it's a wonderful, special, NORMAL Mommy-daughter relationship, on steriods ;)! I am 100% fulfilled as a Mom, vs. feeling the 2,000% deficit I used to feel.
My challenge now is to try to clear out all the hard emotions that characterized our first years together so that they don't haunt me. Every day, I remind myself that this is now and it's not just a dream, though it sometimes feels like a beautiful dream, especially compared to how things started for us.
I had never felt so rejected or despairing as I did with her as a baby and toddler. But, when it all comes down to it, she's a little person, and she's not my clone. Some little people have to have time and love and growth to be able to embrace their parents or siblings or other people who love them. That's just the fact, though I have no idea why it is, and it's extremely hard.
Please keep hoping. You have to bear in mind that it's your attitude and your own belief in your self, your worth, and your value of what you will bring to your daughter's life that is not only going to help you get through this but that is going to influence every single interaction you have with her. Do your BEST, but do NOT get sucked into trying to vie for her attention or buy her attention. That will lead you down a terrible road from which you can never return.
She needs to learn about the person you are -- a confident person who has much to offer and feels her own worth. THAT will draw her to you. Love her, but don't let your need for her affirmation bring you down. It is INCREDIBLY HARD to do this -- I KNOW. It's something that takes a huge amount of intention and determination, and I think it's very important to recognize it.
You're absolutely right and entitled to feel as you do! But, look at those parents who are indulgent as a way to "get" their children to love them, and you will see a destructive relationship in the making. I've seen it so many times, and that is what convinced me to NOT let that happen to me, though the pressure to fold was very strong.
You are still you. You are a wonderful person. You be YOU and let her come to you when she's ready. That will make you and your daughter's relationship healthy and strong. Love her, but love yourself, too, and hold on to your identity. You're going to need it, and so will she!
My very best,
H.