I Have a Boy and Girl but Still Want 2 More

Have you tried family counseling? It really can work miracles!

I, myself, would resolve this problem before adding the stress of a pregnancy and more kids to the situation.

L.

sorry about your boy being so mean. we use "dates" basically time with just mommy or daddy their choice, every week. even if it is just to the grocery store --tho usually it's not--, they still get to have either mommy or daddy time. now, i only have two also, and was fed this line, too. i didn't feel done, but my husband did. so we are. but my only friends who say that they feel done are the one with six kids in nine years and the one with four kids in four years.

maybe we women are never truly "done" in our hearts.

Hi B.,

I have four kids and wouldn't part with a single one. I wanted more until the fourth one, when I felt complete. Yes, I heard that, and also "You have your hands full." I finally started saying, "Yes, and full hands are certainly better than empty arms." It's normal to want children and to cherish them. We just live in an unnatural society where children are considered a curse instead of a blessing. My third child, Peter, is a teacher. He and his wife are foster parents with DHS. My fourth, Becky, is a stay-at-home mom raising three beautiful boys. The world would be a poorer place without both these kind, caring, and giving people. I'm glad I didn't give in to pressure and stop when I had my first girl and boy. (And we lived on one inadequate salary, by the way. We all survived and the kids talk only positively about their childhood.)

Although you didn't ask about behavior, I have a suggestion or two about Blaine's "meanness." He may be aggressive because of food allergies. Have you ever kept a food diary and compared it to his behavior?

It may also be that he has sensory issues and too much stimulation makes him aggressive. One of my grandsons had that problem. Let me know if you are interested in supplements that could help with these issues.

He may just be a normal boy, though, and need firmer discipline. How do you respond to his "meanness?" Calm, consistent, discipline may be what he needs. Perhaps counseling to help you set up guidelines?

S. B.

LOL! Wanting more kids is nothing abnormal! Just because most people stop at two doesn't mean that is what is right for your family. I had two boys and desperately wanted a third. Keep in mind here I have the kind of pregnancies that I don't talk to newly pregnant people about. I had my third boy and it has added to the noise and chaos, but most days I LOVE it. I would give anything for a fourth, but I had a hysterectomy two years ago for medical reasons so having another the "old fashion" way is out of the question. My hubby and I have an adoption plan set out for the fourth child. :o) I'd have a dozen kids of God sent them to me. I joke that I have baby fever and there is no cure! I've always loved children and can't wait for more!

What you have posted makes me think that what you are REALLY concerned about here is your oldest. If you really think that you need to focus on his care for now then do it! If you think that it would help to have another now then go for it! You are still young and there is time for more kids in a few years if you decide to wait. Adding a sibling is a lot of stress for most kids and he sounds like he needs all your energy to get him past this phase. You know your family better than anyone here. Follow your heart.

B.,
I am a 32yr old single mother of 4. Sabrina 13, Jamal 8, Myca 3, and Jhett 2. I would say to you be content with the 2 that you have especially seeing the your oldest seems to maybe have some issues that need to be controlled before you even consider the notion of having anymore children. It is totally different having 4 than even 3. On a regular basis we are never home before 9:30 p.m. The money is a big issue and the constant running from games, practice, birthday parties, and whatever else comes up during the week. Wait a few years until yours have started school and then see what you schedule is like and then decide whether or not you want to add anymore children to the mix.
K.

To determine the right number of children for the family, you should ask and have positive answers for each of the following questions. How many children a mother has not only affects her, it affects everyone else in the family also. There is no magical number for what is right but a wise decision should be made in family planning.
1. Can I physically give (I prefer SHOWER!) each child with the love and support they fully need without them being neglected by the care I should provide another sibling?
2. Can I financially provide a comfortable and nurturing life-style for my child/children?
3. Does my husband feel comfortable with US having more children?
If all answers are Yes ... go for it! If even one is a No, I would count my blessings for what you have and consider it wise to stop now.

Hi B.,

I have 3 girls and want 1 more to even it out. I feel like I'll want more, but financially we can't.

My husband and I planned to have only 2, but after my second one I really wanted to keep going. We did get pregnant on accident w/#3 when my second one was 5 months old. It's been tough, but nothing I can't handle. Plus we got an exchange student this year - who is 16 and a senior in high school.

I think you need to do what you and your husband want to do and not listen to others and what they tell you.

People tell me all the time that my 2nd one will have middle child syndrome. I don't think she will since they are so close in age. People also ask if we are done or if we'll try for a boy one more time.

I would like one to only even it out. If we have a boy, we have a boy, but both my husband and I would be happy w/another girl.

Your kids may fight now, but be best friends later on. Just b/c your going through a rough time right now doesn't mean it's always going to be like that.

My 4 year old and 17 month old get along great and play well together most of the time, but they also fight.

Good Luck!! D'Anne

I am a mom of seven ages 12-26 so I know what you are saying when you say you don't feel like you are done. I honestly could have stopped at 4 children but don't regret the youngest 3. They are amazing kids. And, yes, I got plenty of "Haven't you figured out what's causing that yet?" What I would recommend however is that you get your 3 year old under control before you have anymore. From what you wrote it's already affecting your little girl. I taught home school and in public school so can tell you that if you don't get to the bottom of Blaine's behavior it will affect not only all of your other children but your marriage as well. I cannot stress that enough. You need to loook at his diet - how much sugar, pop, processed food he's eating - and I would suggest a child/school psychologist take a look at him. It may be as simple as individual and family therapy or there may be a chemical that his brain is not producing. In parenting we use all the skills and knowledge we have which is usually how our parents raised us but sometimes we need to learn other parenting skills and tactics. I was a special ed teacher and saw children that were extremely smart but were hindered by needing a supplement for something their body wasn't producing. I wish you success.

Hi B..

Your son is probably acting up because he is jealous of your daughter. He was the center of attention until she came along, and now he has to compete for your attention. And he will do that any way he can, whether that be good or bad behavior. I am the mother of three and grandmother to six. I've been there and done that!! I didn't want a third child, but I wouldn't trade her for anything!! If I had had any more, I think I would have gone crazy!! Only you and your husband can make the decision to have more kids or not. If he doesn't want any more, you have a problem. Don't be selfish. It may not be fair to him. Don't forget, your husband has a say in this, too! As far as waiting to afford another baby, you never will! Prices will rise, no matter what! Good luck.

A.

I am 29 years old and have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 week old son. Everyone kept asking me if I was getting the tubal and I did not. I told them we may want another one and I got several statements like, 2 is enough, but it is your and your husband's choice. For us we want to see where we are financially in 2 years and then decide and if it happens before then we would be fine with it to. I did not take birth control after my daughter however, I did decide to take some this time because we would like to plan, but good luck and remember that this is your choice!!

When making this decision, I would think about what YOU have to give to the kid. If you have enough patience, energy, love left in you to add one more then do. If you know you are stretched really thin right now, wait 6 mo or a year and see how you are feeling.

If adding to your family (or being preg right now)is going to stress you too much, if it is going to affect your ability to give your best to the two kids you already have, if you don't think you can be the MOM you really want to be - then wait a little bit. At 28 you have MANY years to add to your family. If these kids were 6 and 4 when you got preg, you could have 2 more (about 2 years apart) and you could have lots of time to love on each of the babies.

B.,

My first two are 16 months apart, so when I told my family about the SECOND one, I got a lot of flack (especially from my mother-in-law). 3 years after number two, we had a third one. After he was born, I just knew we were done. Not because he was a boy (the first two were girls), but three just felt complete for us. My husband felt the same way and had a vasectomy within a few months. You and your husband will know when you are done. Don't worry about what others say! Our family is perfect for us. You need to do what is right for you.

Well, I never got the speech about having my boy and girl since my boy was baby #4, however we got all kinds of other speeches. I don't feel like I'm done but that is different for everyone, whether they stop at 1 or 20. You will know when you are done and noone will change your mind. I can say that having four has it's up and downs, but that goes with having any. Some days they make me wonder what I was thinking and some days they remind about all the good that comes with it. Everybody will have their speech...be it friends, family or the people at Walmart. There are times I go to the store and some random person will look at me and ask if they are all mine and when I say yes, I get the 'oh, you poor thing' look. I can't say that you will have 4 and be like, "That's it. I'm done." There's no telling. I can tell you that whether you have 1 or 20, those special moments of love, make everything worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

How many kids you have is up to you, your Hubby and the Good Lord, but did you ever consider adoption? I know a lot of people who don't feel they can raise any but the ones they give birth to, but there are so many children in the world without parents who need them that if you could see fit to adopt, then it could be very fulfilling to someone who is willing to make that commitment,plus, think of the joy you'd bring to a child who would languish in foster care otherwise.

I think it's totally personal. No one has the right to make your decisions for you or to make you feel guilty for it.

If you want more, have more as long as you can afford to give them a good life. (yes i mean it, even if you have 10)

I want more, my mother thinks I'm crazy--I have a 7 year old from a previous marriage, I got married 10 months ago today--WE want more. I think she should mind her own business...if I have to raise them, why does it matter to her how many I have to care for. As long as they aren't starving and dirty, and can do the things that they should then it's not a problem in my book.

M.

The size of your family should depend on what you and your husband want and can afford, not what other people think is enough.
That said, if I had a three-year-old with what sounds like a possible emotional disorder, I would see a child or family therapist first, and address the issues with him before trying to make another baby. The last thing you want is for the added stress of another baby (and babies stress the whole family, no matter how loving the family is or how much the baby is wanted) to his life.

B.

I am a mother and a grandmother. I have raised my children and have now adopted a granddaughter that I have had since birth. Your choice to have more children should strictly be up to you and your husband. A boy and a girl are fine, but many people want more. If it were me, I would get the 3 year old boy in better control, before I brought another child into the home. Some of it is just being a kid, but he should not have that kind of anger to be kicked out of a day care. What does his doctor say and suggest? There are many resources out there today. Your daughter will follow and do what he does by example. If it works for him, she figures it will work for her. Use strong discipline and be consistant in everything you do,espicially with your son.

You and your husband make the choice on what size family you want. You know what you can and cannot afford.

Good Luck
S. Miller

B.,

I have three kids, ages 8, 5 and 2, and have lost three more besides. I never got "the speech" from my relatives because they were just so thrilled I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant. (We went through six years of infertility.) Now that I'm 41 I dare say they would question me if I tried to have another baby because of the birth defect risk but not because of the number. Nearly all of my friends have three or more children...some have as many as eight!

I did get my remaining tube tied after the last baby was born because of a number of reasons. I regret having this done because I keep asking myself who else God might have wanted to give us. However, I do know that my husband, four years my senior, is 100% done.

For ME, three is enough although I always wanted four. I didn't count on my journey of just having three being so complicated though and like I said in the first paragraph, I'm thankful to get these three. If you're on the fence about whether you want more children, don't let anyone talk you into getting something permanent done!

K.

Hi! I am a step mom to an 18 year old boy who I raised from 2-12 and love just like my own. I also, have 3 boys of my own who are my world and would not give up for anything. I got the looks and comments but in the end it was mine and my husbands decision to have our boys. We found out we were pregnant the week before Sept. 11, 2001 and my mother in law said how could ya'll bring a kid into this world with the turmoil it is in. Now she loves him just as much as the others. My husband is a great dad and has always been a great help with the boys. We decided after number four to have my tubes tied and ultimately had to have a hysterectomy from complications of the tubal. Our boys are now 18, 12, 11 and 6 we recently purchased our own home and now am thinking of adoption. People will stare and make rude comments but if that is what you and your husband want then go for it. I had a mom tell me the other day that if you are a good parent and you want more go for it and I say the same. GO FOR IT!

Of course. And there will always be nay-sayers about everything from A to Z.... But hear this: It's not their life! God doesn't have the same exact plan for any two people on the earth. Each plays a different part. Each mother knows in her heart , I believe, if there are more people to fit into her little family. Our magic number was five. I never felt at peace stopping until number 5. I have a friend who's still going after 6! Still others are quite certain after 2 or 3... You just know--you know?! LOL!
Do what you know is right. Do you have a faith in God? His word says children are a BLESSING. Not a hindrance. Is it hard to raise them? Of course. Anything worth having is work. to mr, people have lost touch with that concept these days... And consider, it's not the kids we can't afford--it's the lifestyles we try to attain to... Just watever, girl. If you want another one, maybe there's a reason.
Nothin' but love over here!
Praying for you!
--H.

My parents wanted I think five kids, but after three my dad couldn't handle the trauma of the deliveries anymore. However, they decided they'd ultimately accept whatever Heavenly Father sent them. They ended up only having the three of us, without any special planning on their part. I know a family that had seven kids. They could have stopped at six, but the mom felt empty, like their family wasn't complete, so they left things open and had one more child, their only boy. At that point they felt their family was complete and so they had surgeries so they wouldn't have any more kids. My husband and I plan to have as many as Heavenly Father sends us, and while we hope for at least four, since I have to deliver them all via C-section, we may not be able to have many more than that, perhaps six at most.

It's not for other people to tell you when your family is complete. It's between you, your husband, and God. Every child is a blessing, and a large number of siblings, while a challenge to care for and provide for, is also able to provide company and support for each other, not only when they're young (you don't have to be the entertainment as much) but also when they're older and you've passed on - they will have an extended family to remain close to. There are always people fretting about overpopulation and so on, but I figure there is always room for little children if you have a good home to welcome them to and are determined to provide for them yourself.

It's not up to your family to decide for you how many children you have, it's up to you and your husband.
My husband and I always said that we wanted between 3 and 5 children... after the 5th one was born I said I was done and a month later he had a vacectomy (sp?) this took a little persuation :), but there was no way that I was going to have surgery! I had all of my children by the time I was 28 and money was tight (still is) they are now 20, 19, 17, 14 & 12 and all at home still :) So my advice would be don't put off having a baby because of the economy, if everyone did this there would be no children. Oh and we have always been a one income blue collar family.

Have a Great Day :)
S.

We have a 5yr old,a 4yr old, a2yr old and #4's due in Jan....after # 2, we didn't really think we were gonna have more-not that we didn't want them,just didn't think we would.Well,we are.....let me explain it to you this way: going from 1-2 is a BIG adjustment,going from 2-3 no big deal-going from 3-whatever amount is like saying,"Allright kid, hop in and buckle up for the ride,it's gonna be bumpy"....lol....get what I'm saying? Yeah, it seems like alot,and don't get me wrong,IT IS,but, as long as you (hopefully) have a supportive spouse and your friends/family can keep thier negative comments to themselves-you'll be fine.Money wise? You'll find it,a child needs love-not the latest Wii games.

I have a 11yr boy and 6yr old girl. I would like to have 4 also. My kids ages are spaced out because that is the way God intended. With DD, we tried for her for over 3 years. I am pg with #3. We had decided to try for a year and if no go then we would adopt. Within two mths I was pg. I say do what is best for your family and tell the "nay-sayers" that unless they are supporting you financially or going to raise your kids they have no say. :>) Okay maybe I wouldn't SAY that but that is the mindset I would have.

Have you tried a developmental pediatrician for your son.

Hi B.!

My husband and I just had our 6th child in August (one is by marriage). The ages of our children are 16,12,5,4,2, and 11 weeks old. Some of our family members (my side) used to make comments like that, especially after I had my third child. You and your husband just have to let everyone that makes those kind of comments know that you are married, these are your children and you love them, and that as long as God keeps blessing you with children you will continue to have them! Beleive me when I tell you this, even during this time when the economy is looking pretty bad God will 'ALWAYS' provide for you and your family. You and your family be blessed and continue to enjoy one another!

Yes 5 kids is a lot to have. I know that times are mch more difficult now than what they were 20 years ago, but having 4 kids then meant you cut back on things around the house and you budgeted more so that christmas could be bought and no one felt left out. Think hard about what you have now in finances (hsve you plenty). That is how I would try to figure out if I wanted 4 or not. Never let anyone tell you that you have enough kids that is for you to decide, but if you are living on the bare neccessities and are struuggling with your finances now then it would take a lot for people to understand. You will never not want to have more kids once you have the desire to have more and no one should ever tell you to be satisfied with what you have. I will only tell you to watch your age and be very careful in later pregnancies after 30 can be dangerous to you and baby. Good Luck!

I have 6 kids! Most of them were surprises, but believe it or not #6 was planned. I say as long as you can afford them and handle them have as many as you want and if your body is willing to cooperate. My last pregnancy was a little rough on me. Could be cause I was 36. Every time I told my mom I was pregnant she would say "Oh B.!" in a way like I told her I had a VD. I loved being pregnant. I hated that she acted like it was a plague. When I was pregnant with #6 a woman at my church asked me "You are getting your tubes tied right?" and even tho I knew I was done after him, I wanted to reply "No we want to try for six more" just to be cocky. What's it to her if I have 1, 6 or 12 kids? She doesn't have to support them!

Almost all of our friends have only 2 kids, think we are crazy for having 3 with another on the way. You do what is right for your family, not what is right for the others. I do agree that you should try to get your 3-year old's problems out of the way before trying for another baby. But I will say that I didn't even START to have children until I was 30, so don't let age stop you. I'm on #4, and just turned 37!!! There are women having children well into their 40's, you have plenty of time!

hi! Yes, I had a boy, then a girl almost 4 years later. with being so young, it was hard for me to say we were going to for sure stop at two kids. So, as we were still going back and forth on the idea (and yes always hearing "2 is a good number, you have a boy and a girl, that's perfect") I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't stop smiling but was scared since my 2nd and 3rd were going to be 26 months apart and the more i had the longer i had to wait to work (since i got my RN while 4mo pregnant with my 2nd) and I like to stay home while they're little not to mention the price of childcare. Anyway, I have to say 3 is SO much harder than 2, but I do believe once you have 3 and are outnumbered, I can't see 4 or 5 being that much more. I can't possible be busier! But I am very glad we had 3! And now, he will be 2 in Dec. and I still haven't gotten over the fact that "I'm pregnant with my third". It goes SO fast since you're always SO busy. Between school, baseball, gymnastics, now preschool for my younger two and trying to arrange care, it's crazy! I felt good about letting my husband get "snipped" after 3, but I just couldn't do it after 2! If you guys really want 3, just know it IS crazy, but don't worry about other people. I'm actually glad my younger 2 are so close instead of starting all over after my first was potty trained. But, I am counting down the day when we can actually go to a movie, skiing, beach, canoeing, etc, and I feel kinda bad that my oldest is so much older since he has to wait so long for those things. Hope this gives you some things to think about and good luck with your decision!

Girl if you are feeling like you need to have more children then that is coming from someone the Lord. That is my opinion. As far as your family goes they can stick it. YOu are mom and if you want more then go for it. I have 7 children and love them all do death. I enjoy having children. Just because you have one of each doesn't mean that you aren't "missing" another child. Good luck.

B.,
I have Four children, it did'nt start that way though. My first marriage I had a boy than a girl. I still wanted more buy everyone said " you have your boy and girl, you should be happy" and my ex agreed. I always felt cheated, I still wanted more. Later with my second marriage, I had another boy. We thought about stopping, but decieded to wait till Bry was 2, before we made any decisions. Well Journey was born right after Brys first birthday. The birth control felled. After she was born, I knew I was done. So I had my tubes tied. If you give yourself time in between, you will know when you have had enough. And the good Lord will not give you more than you can handle.

P.

I never really got that 'speech', but then again, we thought we were done after we had our boy and our girl. Our youngest was definitely our 'surprise'. But I will tell you that it doesn't matter what other people think as long as you and your husband are in agreement on how many kids you want. I have heard of divorces over couples not agreeing on how many kids to have or whether to have kids, etc. Just make sure that you and him are on the same page and plan your family the way you want to plan it! Good luck to you!

Once you have the 3rd 4th or 5th you will love them as much as the 1st and 2nd.
Having children is between you, your husband, and your GOD.
We were four and even though the older ones came through the great depression we manage.
Seems like the Lord does things in his way.
I am a caretaker for my wife and we went thru hell for hurricane Gustav. However in the end he sent us several wingless angels. Some have to be credited for saving my wife's life, other have to be credited saving me the grief of cleaning up after the hurricane.
So I repeat this is between you, your husband, and your GOD.

God Bless