I Need Some Advice!!!! - Perryopolis,PA

I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through such a hard time. I'm not going to tell you to keep trying to build your daughter's confidnece, obviously you already know that. I do agree that enrolling her in a activity that she could do without her cousin would be great. And I totally understand the problems with your sister. I have a very similiar story. My niece was actually scaring my daughter and told her a story that caused her to have nightmares for a very long time. I had to just stop letting them be around each other. It wasn't worth all the problems it caused. I didn't tell my sister about my decision, we were just very busy, and just never seemed to have to time to come over. I know that it may seem silly I just didn't feel like fighting with my sister and it wouldn't have done any good. She like your sis, just erupts and nothing ever changed. I would also feel very frusterated about the school situation, you picked this school and are paying for it, your niece shouldn't be the rason your daughter is having problems. What you might try to do is have the school counselor and thier teacher get involved and help you. Have them observe the girls interacting and then call a meeting. If your sister has to hear it through a third party that has the interests of both girls in mind it might help her to see that there is a problem. Good luck!

Wow, I am so sad and sorry to hear this! Your poor little girl :-(

So what is up with your sister blowing up at you? Is that unusual? Almost sounds like you & your sister's roles with each other are being played out again with your daughters (from the wee little snippet of your life you've shared).

Is there any chance you can request that your daughter be placed in a separate class altogether?

My son (just turned 8) and my step-son (7 1/2) often have conflicts because they are SO close in age and have been forced on each other for the past 5 1/2 years. I have been doing all I can for the past year to separate them as much as possible because they bicker, fight, argue and can never seem to get along with each other (both also have behavior issues like ODD and ADHD, though). Sounds to me like you can help your daughter by enrolling her in something her cousin is NOT doing - gymnastics, karate, ballet, tap, jazz, swimming, soccer, fencing, an art class, girl scouts, a nice youth group, etc. She needs something where she can gain confidence in herself and which is totally separate of her cousin. I wouldn't even tell your sister what you're putting your daughter in (although she'll find out eventually, but maybe it'll be too late to enroll or she'll already have her daughter in something else).

Remember, kids can be very cruel. I think girls are a little more likely to do that "these are my friends, don't talk to them!" thing. I watched a program about it once on TV and remember going through some of it myself in school (forming clubs to exclude some girls, etc.). Develop her sense of self and confidence - it will do her good today and for the rest of her life!

Just keep trying to talk to your daughter about how wonderful she is and how smart she is and how proud you are of her for going to school. It doesn't matter what anyone else does just as long as she tries her best. As far as your niece is concerned I am sure you love her dearly but she has no right at any age to boss around your daughter. You should try and talk to your sister about what is going on and if she doesn't want to listen than you just need to seperate them for a while. This is going to sound mean but if your niece wants to play with your daughter or any of her things but wants to continue to be "mean" to her than you do the same to her (by not letting her come over or anything like that). My daughter is 2.5 years old and has two older cousins, on 4 and one 5 both boys the five year old isn't too bad and lets her play with his toys but the 4 year old if he isn't watched takes advantage of my daughter. I that he is an only child and plays a role in how he is but he whines and cries if she picks up a toy and says he wants it (only because she has it) and that his toys are boy toys but when she played with her toys that we brought (like a tea pot set with the disney princesses) it was supposed to be okay that he played with that. My sister in law thank god corrects him and let me do the same but if no one is in the room for a second he will try to get her toy from her and lie about what happend if he is caught. (I'm sure all kids do this at some point but it's frustrating my daughter doesn't do that). We just have to keep enforcing that she stick up for herself and doesn't have to let anyone push her around. Just try and do the same with your daughter. Sometimes it's not a matter of what is said to kids it's their personality to be one way. Again you really need to talk to your sister to help with this. I have two brothers but my daughter comes before anyone and if she feels bad about what someone else is doing I am gonna say something and if they don't want to help out and teach their child to do the righ thing than they have no business talking to me or my child.

S.,
Kids can be cruel. You can move her away from her cousin and it will be someone else. We have all been in the situation your daughter is in, atleast most of us. If I were you, whatever I am feeling inside but infront of her I would be like a rock. I would let her know that she is a smart beautiful young girl and no person in the world has the right to make her feel bad. You must also tell her that she must come and tell you right away if someone is saying or doing anything bad to her. May be the two of you can decide on a timeline say 'Dec 1st' and promise her that by that day she is going to feel much better about her school and she would have made some nice friends by that time. Meanwhile help her on a regular basis with her homework and based on her natural knack choose an activity for her. Make sure she is naturally interested in that and can flourish in that area. And as far as you are concerned, you have to almost detach yourself from the other negativities and work with your daughter so that she knows you are there for her, her strong confident mother.

Just hold her hand and walk with her a little bit and sooner than you know she will be running so fast...

M.

My first thought is to perhaps ask if there is another classroom your daughter can be moved to. Since it is early in the school year and early in your daughter's school career, moving her away from your niece could provide a better overall experience for your daughter. I have a twin brother. When we were very young I had a more dominant personality than him. We were in the same kindergarten class – and the only K class in our school. After the first day of school, the teacher put us on opposite sides of the classroom and kept us there. While I haven’t been told that I was mean, there are a ton of stories about me bossing him, him looking to me for approval to answer questions, etc. When we entered first grade, my parents made a point of having us in separate classrooms. We both did well in school and we both learned to not be so influenced by the other. My parents did a wonderful job of not comparing us and not allowing others to do so. They understood that we were individuals with our own strengths and our own weaknesses.

That being said, your daughter is going to have to learn to deal with your niece and others who act like her. She will surely run into more. When she tells you about incidents, keep your cool in front of her. If she sees you visibly upset, it may make her more anxious. Talk to her about how to handle the situation if it happens again. Maybe act out the scenarios so your daughter feels more comfortable doing/saying what she needs to do to stick up for herself.

I wouldn’t feel too embarassed about breaking down in front of your daughter’s teacher. Chances are you aren’t the first parent to show your emotions to her and Kindergarten is a big transition for many students and parents. If you haven’t already done so you might want to explain your feelings/family situation. Perhaps she can suggest workable solutions for the classroom as well as books written on a child’s level for developing self-esteem and dealing with bullying. Others who could also make recommendations are the school psychologist/guidance counselor or a children’s librarian. Tell her you will be checking with her often for feedback on how things are progressing. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and your daughter. :)

My heart breaks for you and your daughter, I'm so sorry you're going through this time. It may be a good idea to have your daughter moved to a different classroom. You also mentioned that your daughter has a "complex" about herself. Maybe you could look into counseling for her. I hope everything works out for you two.

I am a little suprised that the teacher responded the way that she did when your daughter became upset. There are better ways of handleing an upset child other that to send them out of a room AND your daughter cannot possibly be the first child to be upset during the first few weeks of school.
When my son had issues with my friend's son in the classroom, I first spoke with my friend and got nowhere. I then decided that he was going to have to learn to deal with people of all personality types so it may as well be now---but then I came to my senses. They are TOO young to be expected to "deal" with conflicts COMPLETELY on their own, they still need a mediator. Sometimes this mediator is the teacher and sometimes it is the parent. The one and only thing that helped with my son's problems with my friends son was (and this sounds aweful) I dealt with the other child myself. I pulled him aside when the parent was not within earshot and said "you are behaving in a very mean fashion with my son, you need to try to be a little nicer or we will NEVER play together again!" This shook him up to know that I spoke to him harshly--no one else apparently disciplines him or teaches him the golden rule!