I Need to Find ME

Just read all this. You are very intelligent and cannot use it, you are lively and fun and exciting and it is not appreciated. Gosh darn there are a lot of answers and all I can say is drat, wish I could help someway.
Hugs? Don't leave, just start getting babysitters and do what you can to find you. And don't look back. Just look forward. You are in there. And you are awesome.

Mom, I'm so sorry. You are at a tipping point here and it is probably impossible right now for you to see any light at the end of the tunnel. But there is some, I promise. You just have to get through this.

I urge you to go back to your earlier question about what happens if a spouse runs off with all the money. I think that it was Riley who wrote a sobering answer that talked about her friend whose husband made over 100 grand a year and has left his non-working spouse destitute, demanded child AND spousal support (hopefully he didn't get spousal support), and he got custody of the kids because she couldn't support them. Maybe right now, the thought of hubby getting stuck with 2 kids is a welcome one, but you will NEVER get your PhD if you are paying him child support. You'll be living in a shoebox while he takes most of your paycheck to hire someone to watch the kids.

The worst part is that the boys will be SO hurt that you left them, that when you are feeling better, they will not want to see you. My mother went through this as a child because her mother left her husband and 3 kids. The kids were 3, 5, and 7 when she left. (My mom was 5.) Granddad died when my mom was 13, and it wasn't until my mom was married with kids that she had a relationship with Grandma again. My mom is a very kind woman and gave her mother a chance, Sunni. The older brother didn't speak to his mother until a few months before he dropped dead of a heart attack at 45 years old. The younger one had tenuous and very sporatic contact. All of the kids were damaged and devastated over their mother's actions. For life, Sunni.

For all intents and purposes, my mom ended up being all that grandma had. We didn't live close by, we didn't visit too often. My mom did forgive her for what she did. Because of this, she had us as grandchildren. The grandkids from my uncle who died didn't even find out that their grandmother (whom they had never seen) had died for 10 years afterwards because their mother refused to tell them.

Grandma lived til she was in her 70's, and Sunni, she had to live with the fact that she walked out on her children for the rest of her life, and it was a long and HARD life. She thought she would be happy away from a family she didn't want and a husband who worked too hard and was tired at the end of the day and preoccupied with taking care of his family, including his mother and ill sister. (He was 20 years older than my grandmother.) But truthfully, nothing made her happy and she ended up pretty miserable. I'm very glad that my mother made peace with her - my mom needed it, and for sure, my grandmother needed it. (Not that grandma deserved it, mind you.)

I know this is an awful story and it probably doesn't feel good to you to hear it. I'm not trying to beat you up with it either. On the contrary. It reminds me a little of the story "It's A Wonderful Life". My grandmother didn't get to see what life would have been like if she had never been born, but she did see what life ended up like because she removed herself from her children's lives. It wasn't a happy one. I don't believe yours will be either, and that's why I am telling it to you. Learning from other people's mistakes is a gift. There are some people who never learn from other's mistakes and are doomed to only learn from their own.

Your teenager will leave home in a few short years. Then it will be just the younger one left. Please just go ahead and find a job and work. Hire someone to come clean the house in the late afternoons to be there for your kids after school until you get home from work. Even if she ends up with most of what you make, you will feel better about your life and have real people to talk to, the house will be clean, and you'll spend less time fighting with your teenager. You'll be getting the experience you need in the work place and if you decide in a few years when it's just the younger one at home that you want to get a divorce, it will be easier because you can get custody and NOT have to pay HIM child support, because you will have a paying job.

I'm sorry about your mother. Nothing you do will fix her aging problem. Of course it's an added stressor - most of us with aging parents feel this keenly.

If you haven't talked to your doctor yet, you should. If you really feel that you are drowning, you need the doctor's help. Stop worrying about your husband right now. Don't pay attention if he fusses that what you do isn't enough. Don't discuss it with him either. Get the doctor to help you so that you can feel stronger. Try to remember that your children really do love you - they are just children and they don't mean to dismiss you so much.

Please do what the people on your other thread recommend. Get your documents ducks in a row. Know where all the assets are, and all the money. Have your own bank account open and fund it. Before you can "find yourself", you need to get your act together and have who you are as a fiscal couple sorted out and ready in case your husband decides to leave.

Lastly, I want to tell you that when my grandmother left my grandfather, she had run up bills all over town without him knowing it. Not on stuff for the kids. On stuff for her. Stuff she took away with her. He owed so much money on her bills that he didn't get them paid off until the year before he died - 7 years worth. I would hate for that to happen to you if your husband walked away with all the bank account money and left you circling the toilet financially.

Please get to the doctor, get started on safeguarding yourself financially, get back into your profession, hire help after school that includes cleaning the house, and work on feeling better about life, at least until you get your teenager out of your house after he graduates. (No allowing him to live at home after graduation.) If you feel better, you can handle your 6 year old better. (Time out in the 6 year old's room for back talk is what you need right now, every single time. He can come out of his room when he apologizes to you for ugly talk. It will be a break for you and for him and give you both a chance to break the cycle of fighting.)

Hugs and hopes that you can get through this okay.

Dawn

Sunni, you need to pull yourself together. Don't you DARE walk away from those kids. Have you lost your mind?!

You are seriously depressed. You need to get yourself some help. You need to find a therapist right this very minute.

There is no reason you can't work part time for your own sanity. The overwhelming majority of kids go to childcare at some point. Find some childcare, get a job. Or take a class or to towards your doctorate.

If you walk away from your family you will regret it for the rest if your life. It will define you.

You DO have control over your own life. You CAN make it better. You CAN be a mother, a wife, AND Sunni all at the same time. But no one is going to do it for you. YOU need to change. You can do it. You MUST, you're a MOM. You are better then this.

:(

Sunni you are at a crisis point. I don't necessarily believe the "happy mom = happy family" line (I know plenty of moms who are happy AND lousy mothers) but I wholeheartedly believe "unhappy mom = unhappy family." I'm not saying at all that this is your fault - what I am saying is that you are empowered to get yourself well and when you are well, you can correct the course your family is on.

Everything you wrote sounds like the cry for help of a depressed woman. Please see your doctor and a therapist. If you need medication for a while, so be it. Get yourself back to a place where you have the energy to take on the task of parenting your kids the way they need to be parented. They need discipline. They need standards for attitude and behavior. They need to be accountable and to have consequences. Your husband is a grown man too and there's not much you can do to force him to get on board with getting himself healthy and well but perhaps when you lead by example, he'll see the positive changes and be inspired to change as well.

You have two school-age kids. You do have the time to do the things you listed - you CAN read, go for a walk, exercise, have a leisurely lunch, take a nap, pursue your hobbies, take a class, get a part-time job etc. while they're at school. There is no reason that some of us can do this and manage a house and work FT and you can't - you totally can if you are well but you have to recognize your own potential and if you're depressed, all you see is "I can't" instead of "of course I can."

And you don't really want to walk away from your kids - you are NOT selfish like that. You signed up to be their mom, forever. Even when it sucks. Even when it's hard. Even when they don't appreciate you. They need you and you need them.

Seriously...please make an appointment with your doctor today and tackle these overwhelmingly negative feelings. Another thing to do today is check out flylady.net - yes it's about home organization, but there is a lot on her website and daily e-mails that is inspiring and uplifting. The founder of flylady struggled with depression and had a total breakdown in the past and she's very open with sharing that and keeps her messages very uplifting and empowering. So go read her website and get some virtual love and appreciation. It really does change your behavior and attitude, which changes how people (including your family) treat you in real life.

I would also suggest family therapy but start with just yourself first so you're not overwhelmed with everything all at once. You and your family deserve better than what you are all experiencing now. It can get better, really.

i am so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. what i see, and i will be honest, is a perpetuating cycle of pessimism. you don't feel loved and appreciated, so you don't love or appreciate your sons or your husband. they don't feel it so they don't give it back, etc, etc. it's not all on their shoulders. as i read your post complaining that they are ungrateful and unhappy, i can't help but think, "but so is she..."

i get that you are unhappy. but does it ever occur to you that while your full time job is to keep house and raise your child/ren - 99.9% of the rest of us would never think to expect "help" with that? i don't understand that mentality. there aren't many people on here who are lucky enough to #1 be a SAHM, and #2 have had paid help for so long to do it. it seems you have been very unappreciative, for a very long time, yourself. i can see how it could bring you down, if your child is not turning out how you would have wished, and your home is not being taken care of how you wished. but do you realize that YOU have control over all of that?? it's not on hubby to "make it right", it's not dependent upon whether you have paid help. you're the mother and wife. you have enormous power. why on earth are you letting these outside, trivial forces "make or break" your family? you're the mom - you can move mountains my dear! please don't sit back and wait for everyone else to "fix" this for you. this is YOUR family, and YOUR life. so fix it yourself.

i am going to sound like a broken record, but please believe i feel this with my whole heart - FAMILY counseling. if you have a church home, talk to your pastor. reconnect with your family and rediscover your purpose. it "may" be to get your PHD and work outside the home...but you were given this family, this home, this wonderful life, and you're squandering it, wasting it by wondering day after day why more isn't done for you. yikes. what a waste. personally, you haven't done much with all the blessings you've already been given. why do you think getting a degree would change that? not to get biblical (i know some people "hate" that) but doesn't the bible say, god won't trust us with big things if we can't take care of the little things he blesses us with? or something like that? if it doesn't, it should :) if what you have been given is in a shambles, don't expect to take on a ton more responsibility i.e. classes and an important new career. you haven't gotten a handle on the basics of life yet.

happiness isn't a dollar sign. it isn't whether you have help - millions and millions of us work full time AND take care of the family and home. without help. true story. it isn't where you live or how big your house is. until you figure that out, it's a lost cause. if you can't get the family to go (which to me, is vitally important at this point) at least talk to someone yourself. you need to rediscover gratitude and love. i hope you find help. it takes STRENGTH to live this life correctly. it takes STRENGTH to fix something that's broken instead of bemoaning it and waiting for someone else to pick up the pieces. who else will do it? your son? nope. your husband? it sounds like he needs your help. mom, this is all in your power. there is SO much better to be had out of life. ((hugs)) good luck!

PS, i truly believe; the easy road is not always the right road. and the right road is rarely easy.

Your children are "living what they have learned". For so many years, you have allowed yourself to be treated like a service provider for your husband and children without demanding reciprocity. Your husband has allowed your children to view you as someone who "does" for them rather than someone who "helps and nurtures". This ENTIRE situation is dysfunctional and you all know it.

My suggestion to you is to step back from all of it for a while. I suggested to you earlier in the week that you file for divorce which is ultimately what you would like to do.

However... make yourself unavailable for a while. Your boys aren't babies. My mother had this conversation with us around the same age as your sons and it RADICALLY changed the way we saw and treated her.

Family meeting time with "new realities" and "new rules":
1. Mommy is done. I am tired and have nothing left to give you. I don't like the way I feel when I am in this house, so I am going to turn things over to you and will be in the house less often.
2. You can do your own laundry. It's not hard. I will show you one time then it's up to you. If you want clean clothing, you will figure it out. (For your younger child, he needs to fold and put it away)
3. I am not cleaning your room anymore. If you cannot find things, that is no longer my concern. Figure it out.
4. I am no longer running things over to school/practice/work when you forget them. Figure it out or deal with the consequence.
5. I am making one dinner. Either you like it or don't. I am not making breakfast or lunch any longer.

Lay out your parameters and stick to it. Find a club to join, fitness class, book club, class at a local college... whatever. Get out of the house 2 or 3 nights a week and let them FIGURE IT OUT.

I still feel as though you need to separate from your husband. While he may be suffering from depression... he's unwilling to do anything to make his family's life better. How long will you continue to pretend that it's OK?

Do not give up custody of your children. I'm sorry, but you don't really mean that. You will literally have nothing if you elect to cut your children out of your life.

I may be missing something but I agree you're likely depressed enough you need some professional help/medication to get out of this. I looked quickly at your back posts and see one where you were annoyed your husband was away and kept wanting to talk. Uh - then you complain he says he doesn't want to be married to you? Well, you don't want to talk to him! I'm sure there's more going on and maybe he's a jerk sometimes but I"m in the camp of not understanding at all how your life is so hard. My kids are 7 and 8 and staying home would be pretty easy now. They're in school some, they're somewhat self sufficient etc. You have a 6 year old but it was the same last year for me when my youngest was 6 and your oldest is in school a lot! How do you not have any time to yourself?? Is your house so big it takes all day every day to clean it? We ALL want to just escape sometimes and sleep when we want (are your kids really still waking you up at night though?), read all day etc but we're not kids. We're adults who made the decision to become parents. Someday the kids will be gone and we can sit and read all day. If we're depressed though, that won't make us happy either. Then we'll complain we're bored. It sounds like your family is disrespectful and that's hard but there is no way that you BOTH should be exhausted! I work full time, have the 2 kids, a dog that is like a 3rd and I'm not exhausted most of the time! It's possible your husband is just really frustrated with you and your teen son is old enough to wonder why you're' so exhausted and angry too. Sorry this is harsh but please get an antidepressant so you can think better. And of course don't leave your kids bc you're worried about ME! You chose to have your 6 year old when likely you already knew your marriage wasn't great. So not your child's fault! Call a therapist (md who can prescribe) now!

Sunni,
In my opinion, any woman that would seriously consider walking away from her kids (with no interest in custody) must be seriously, clinically depressed.
You sound like an educated woman--please do the smart thing and seek help. Call a therapist or ask your doc for a recommendation today.

Yes, being home as a wife and mother probably feels like a thankless job for EVERY woman from time to time, but to me, what you're describing sounds like depression, which is a very real disorder that can be treated and medicated.

All the best.

Sunni, you need to take action.
1) Today, call your doctor and set up an appointment. You need a referral to a therapist, as well as you need to be evaluated for depression. Your doctor should also do a blood workup and check for any other possible causes of your troubles (low thyroid, pre-diabetes, etc). A large part of your problem may be physical; you won't know until you go to the doctor.

2) Assign your children chores. They are part of your household, and they must contribute to the maintenance of your home. Your older son can help with cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. Your younger son is old enough to collect and sort the laundry, dust, keep his own room clean, etc.

3) Do not allow your children to disrespect you. You're their mother. If they treat you with a bad attitude, don't let it go unchecked. Take away privileges, or do whatever else you think will work, but sending two boys who have no respect for their mother out into the world does nobody any favors, least of all you.

4) Who says anyone else has to come to church with you? Go by yourself. Get involved with the women's group there, or volunteer at the kids' schools, or whatever. Take lessons in something you're interested in. Go back to school part-time. You don't need anyone's permission to do these things. You need to get out of the house and participate with the rest of the world again. It's depressing to always be at home, feeling overwhelmed.

Please, stop seeing yourself as the victim. You have control over your choices. You need to pull yourself together, go see the doctor, and then take steps to start doing things that will make you happy. Your kids are your kids for life; leaving them is not the answer. You can turn this around. Don't give up.

Sunni I hope you re-read some of these responses 100 times . . . you have had some great advice (Dawn, Theresa N., Lisa, et al). Please heed it. PLEASE get some help from a counselor or pastor.

The older I get the more I realize that it's important to be a person that you, yourself, can be proud of (it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks). Are you going to be proud of walking away from your kids, no matter how difficult they are? Probably not. Are you going to be proud that you stuck by them, cleaned up your life, and did the best you could with the hand you've been dealt? Yes, probably.

The decisions that I've regretted most in my life were the ones made out of pain - abandonment, fear, rejection, loneliness - good decisions don't come from these emotions. If you can get some professional help for emotional difficulties, the rest of your life will start to fall into place. But most of all you've got to think BIG PICTURE. You can steer this in a better direction.

Please get some counseling help. Start there. Take baby steps.

Hi Sunni,

I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years now and have loved my life. That was my choice. While you have been a stay at home mom for six years, it doesn't sound like that was choice, so much, as the lot that befell you. That can make a huge difference in how you feel about your life and your worth. It's really hard to find the value in something when it wasn't what you wanted but what you were handed, instead. When you, yourself, don't find the value in something, it's even more difficult to convince others of its worth. When other people find something of little worth, they have neither respect nor appreciation for it and they treat it poorly. When you begin to recognize your contribution, it's value and your worth to the family and when you begin to respect your position, you will begin to command respect from those around you.

While you don't have to stay in the place that you are, I do think it's hugely important that you accept it as where you are right now and give yourself the credit you are due. It's hard to know where to go or how to get there when you don't have a good idea where you are at present. You know you are unhappy. You know you are unfulfilled. You know that you are under-appreciated and treated with disrespect. Do you know that you are the main source of stability in that family? Do you know that while your husband provides the income, you provide the warmth, care, concern? Your husband provides the shelter, but you turn that shelter into a home and that home into a haven. Your husband provides the paycheck, but you are the one that turns that paycheck into nourishment for their bodies as well as they spirits. You turn it into warm clothing, full bellies, healthy teeth, and a joyful life. You are the person with your finger on the pulse of that household. You know what they need as well as what they want. I know these things about myself. I also know that 85% of the "yesses" fall from my lips and 90% of the fun is held in the palm of my hand to be open or shut at my will and pleasure and if they forget I am quick to remind them. If a reminder isn't enough I have no problem offering a practical demonstration. I may be a servant to my family but I am no slave. I may work for free but I am a priceless addition and carry my weight. I know my worth and I command respect from those I serve or my services stop.

Know your worth, even if it isn't where you want to be. Know who you are and what you offer and make sure those in your family know it as well. From there, decide what YOU want. This is where you are now, but how do you get to where you want to be. It seems huge because you are exhausted and wrung out, but it's amazing how much we can live with when we are doing it to pursue fulfillment. If you want to take classes DO IT. If you want to go to work, again, DO IT. It may start with a couple of classes or volunteering outside your home so you can find things that give you personal pleasure and feed your soul. That's okay. Almost all big moves start with really small steps.

Don't let one more day go letting another person's measure of you decide who or what you are. You are THE MOM! If your husband wants down time, fine, he can take it. But he can't opt out of parenting. He had babies, too, and they don't stop wanting because he doesn't have the patience or energy to give. Take that time for yourself as well. You have no babies in that house. They can live without you for an hour or two. Take it.

Build a life you love and you will love your life. In the meantime, know your worth so that they will know it, too.

I'll be thinking of and praying for you.

L.

Wow, Dawn gave you such fabulous advice, I don't really know if I can add too much! I do want to say that I do believe whole heartedly that you have lost perspective here. I hear you trying so hard to rationalize your feelings etc but I think you really need to talk to a counselor. Wanting to leave children gives me pause, I think you need real help to get through this and that is ok. When we actually start to lose it, it is time to get help. When I was just falling a part in my third, and last!, pregnancy I told my doctor how horrible I felt. It was almost as if the world had lost color. She gave me a recommendation for a therapist. So maybe you can just talk things out with your doctor as well. Getting help is ok and so necessary sometimes, to me a is more important than a job, a degree etc. Life always holds joy, no matter what the season, when that realization gets lost, things are out of balance. Hope you find someone to talk all this through with. Also, as far as the kiddos go, remember, whatever has happened to cause all this bad talk didn't happen overnight and may take time to fix, but put a stop to it now with the little one! Time out, toss a toy whatever, but don't let a habit of bad talk toward you get rooted into the little one. Wish you the best.

Sunni I have been following your posts for a while, and this indeed makes me sad.
It seems as if your husband has zero respect for you and your boys seem to be following suit. No wonder you want to run away! That's a perfectly reasonable feeling to have.
Do you have a mom, sister, friend or other family member you could go "visit" for a few days? I think you need a break, some distance from your kids and husband. It's hard to process your feelings and emotions when the very people who are hurting you are all around you.
I really, really hope you get some therapy before you make any life changing decisions. While your husband sounds like a real a-hole that you'd probably be better off without I would hate to see you walk away from your boys without at least trying to salvage your relationship with them.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!

I can relate to a lot of the places you are at. Take the time to read the Bible and meditate on it when you can. Feel some of the peace from it. I've also started reading a great book - Finding the Deep River Within. Most of us women forget who we are and just take care of others. This helps us find that time for finding "me" again in whatever way works for us. {{{HUGS}}}

You act resentful that you are at home and say that you put of your studies, your hobbies, your interests, and your life...but earlier in the same breathe you say that you began staying home because of health reasons. Those two statements don't really mesh...you either chose it or you didn't (i.e. you didn't "give" anything up, it was "taken" from you) and you either resent it or you don't.

Again, I kind of suspect that your family knows that you resent it. Maybe your husband is depressed that you are so resentful just to serve as his wife and a mother (a great job, indeed, and well worth it to those who chose it). Or has this been going on for LONGER than those six years? If so, then it's been going on too long.

Not saying you shouldn't work, btw, don't want anyone coming down on my head, I am just saying that whatever you do in life (by choice or not) you ought to do it with love, and effort, and to the best of your ability. You may THINK they don't notice or appreciate it...maybe it's the way you're doing it that causes it to go unnoticed. I love staying at home and caring for my house and family, and they do notice and appreciate it. Attitude really, really has an effect on everyone, not just the person having it.

If I were you, I'd try doing a good job at what you're doing first, and then approaching my husband to discuss returning to school/work/etc.

I also strongly, strongly suggest you get some help...not for the house, but for yourself. You sound very depressed...I think we were all assuming it was your husband by your last post, but you are absolutely drowning right now and you need to get yourself some therapy and quite possibly some medication. If YOU are happier, your attitude will shine, and your family WILL be directed affected in a positive way by that. You DO need to take care of you...primarily, your mental health.

My heart goes out to you. You are in a bad situation all around and have plenty to be angry and depressed about. However, when you are depressed, you don't make good decisions. The best thing you can do for yourself is to see a Doctor about getting on some temporary meds. Once you start feeling better, you make good decisions about how to fix your problems. As I see it, you can't help your kids or your husband until you help yourself. As a Stay At Home Mom, it's time to clean house and Spring is a perfect time to do it!

So, get on some meds, find the time to crochet or whatever. Your kids are old enough that they can fend for themselves. Try talking about what you are grateful for and for every negative thing that is said, make sure 2 positives are said. Try taking your oldest son out on Mom/ Son outings. You will be surprised how things will turn around (for both of you) just by spending some one-on-one time. Same thing for you and your husband. Put the kids to bed and just talk. My husband and I see a counselor together when we hit the "curb" as we call it. It helps get us back on track. We have learned a lot about how to communicate. We still have our issues but we don't resent each other. Lead by example with your children. If they don't want to go, don't push them into it. Go to Church and maybe come home and share a story about what the sermon was about or take them on outings to help the community. Plan weekend days where there is nothing going on and everyone can stay in their jammies. Don't get angry with the kids. Put rules in place where there isn't room for negotiating. You don't want to clean your room, no problem. You don't get to do (x). This is the second time this week that you haven't done "this", so "this" gets taken away. The sooner that you take the arguing out, the tension in the house decreases and so does the resentment.

Anyway, I hope this helps! Good luck!
N.

Wow...if you just sit back and re-read what you wrote, you would abandon your children? Really? I live with a household of little men too, but I would never leave them. Maybe, I might be a different woman, because I was such a tomboy when growing up. I got to watch basketball, baseball, wrestling, and football games. I love watching my little guys go from a boy to a respectful pre-teen years. I am honored to see my two boys go from Tiger Scouts to at least First Class Rank, and hopefully Eagle Scouts. I have gone camping with the whole family and enjoyed being together. It's very lonely to be alone all the time. I was 33 when I got married, and those 33 years were lonely. Sure I went to college, got a great job. Do I really care if my house is a little disarray? Sure it's irritating, but I look at it this way. I have only 7 years left with them, and off to college they go. So I am enjoying them while it lasts!!! Sorry, I can't help saying that you are being selfish. These kids deserve a mom to be there a 100%. They didn't ask to be born, you and your husband made that choice. I didn't know what I expect either when I became a mom, but I would never turn my back on either one. Rejection would make your kids hate you even more. Go to church alone if a fight goes on or go workout by yourself. My 13 year old and I even made a pack to go running every night, because we want to get in shape. Now that's so cool..Go do things together that you all enjoy or start a hobby. My husband and I go to the shooting range together. Did I like it in the beginning...no, I did it because I spent time with my hubby, but now it's something we both enjoy.

You have to find some boundaries to start taking care of yourself. You need to get a sense of control for the top priorities on the list. For example, if you want to go to church..go. If they want to come with you, great, if not they can all stay home. If you want to work on a hobby, pick the time, announce it to the family and do it. Block it out on the calendar if you need to. My husband and I have hobbies and we take on the kids when the other person plans to do their hobby. Your kids sound old enough to do something else for a couple of hours while you get some downtime.

It's time to cut some corners on household stuff and gain time for yourself. Flylady routines help and her program really changes your attitude about household responsibilities. It is meaningful and is a way to give yourself to your family. Making a chore list for each child each day helps. Doing a small amount of cleaning each day and keeping up with routines is the key to start gaining back your time. For dinner, sometimes when I'm needing "peace" or just time off, I do a fun dinner that we can eat while watching a TV show. We hardly ever get to do that and it's nice for all of us to do something different. Less stress too. You need to mix things up and get some joy back into the routine.

During the school day if the kids are in school, you can block out time for yourself since you aren't working right now. The household chores can wait while you work on your own studies. You seem like maybe you are an introvert who is craving that creative time. Once you start making that time productive and rewarding, you'll start to feel much better about everything else.

Leaving isn't an option. Your feelings are important, but think of what that would do to your kids. I recently met a little 9 year old girl who announced to me that her mother left her...not that her mother left the husband or the family, but HER. How sad.

All that said, sometimes I have to remind myself that my children are my main hobby. I will have plenty of time to devote to external hobbies when they are in college.

At one point in my life I was very depressed - I just could not see the positives. I went on an antidepressant and all of a sudden it's like my mind was "able" to think positively. Please see a doctor and at least try one. To be honest, a teenager and a 6 year old should not be all that taxing... No household help? You don't have 4 toddlers... Why would you need help? I really think you need some clarity. How are you on duty 99-100% of the time like your husband is who is answering to a boss and sounds like catering to a demanding job. His workload I am sympathetic to. I'm not sure what your health issues are but for a healthy woman, your workload - since your kids are older and you don't work outside the home - sounds pretty great! There are women on here who are happy who are juggling 10x more. My sister and I grew up as happy teenagers probably bc our parents seemed pretty happy. Your teen may be acting like this bc he comes home to miserable parents. You are setting a horrible example. Please get some help.

I have felt like this before. Witht the exception of feeling hatred from my spouse and kids. But I do feel extremely unappreciated, and like my identity is lost.
With your older child he needs to be able to do things for himself. Just because you currently are a SAHM that does not make you their live in servant. I tell my four year old that in gentler terms.
If you get up for church and everyone is giving you a hard time, lagging behind and making you late, leave them home!
Have you taught the kids to do things for themselves? If not, it's way past time. Stop doing his laundry. He's old enough to do it himself. Disrespect should NOT be tolerated. But they have to be taught that.
Try to stick with the mentality that people will only treat you how you LET THEM! It's hard. Its sadly easier to just keep doing for everyone, regardless of how much they don't appreciate it. But it sounds like you need to make a change.
Is there anywhere you can get some counseling? From a pastor or priest even? You needsoome support and guidance sending you hugs :)

I second the poster who recommended Flylady. You deserve to live in a nice home, with happy children, even if your husband is oblivious or a jerk. Be a parent to your children. Set some boundaries and take away any toys/games/activities that you think are contributing to misbehavior. Get them involved. Start some Flylady routines -- it only takes a few minutes a day. Plan 1-2 hours each day while the kids are in school to read a book, go for a walk, or do something positive for yourself.