I Really Need advice.....I'm Not Happy About Pregnancy

The love multiplies and each pregnancy is different. You have no idea the capcity you have for loving another until you have more to love.

You may need some counseling to get there but it is well worth it.

Congrats and peace to you all.

No two experiences are ever the same.

Love multiples; it does not divide.

H.,

I'd like to congratulate you - but I know that's not what you want.

Please talk to your OB/GYN and let him/her know how you are feeling.

You are not the first W. to be scared about having a second child. Can I handle this? Can I have a better delivery? What about the schedule? What about this? What about that?

Please. Talk to your OB/GYN...you need to express your feelings and dismay over this unplanned pregnancy.

You do NOT sound silly at ALL!!! You had a VERY traumatic first pregnancy. I can't imagine being in labor for that long and all the other emergency medical issues you had....although I've not experience that - I think I can understand where you are coming from!!

I wish you peace and a smooth delivery!

I was worried that there was no way I could love my second as much as my first. It is amazing to me that the amount of love you have grows, it just expands until you love two, twice as much as one.

The love for each child is different as each child is different but the intensity of the love is the same.

Each pregnancy is different and each delivery is different... Both of mine were... my second delivery was a breeze less than five hours of labor... I didn't even mess up my hair or make up, and I have photos to prove it. The first was long complicated ended up with a major epesiotomy and hip issues. Not as bad as yours but I limped for weeks.

I am sending you a huge hug, don't be afraid to find a counselor to help you talk out some issues if you need to...

Take heart though two can be even better than one!!

First talk to your doctor about the complications with the first delivery. She should be able to explain the risks of a repeat experience plan out a way to prevent a similar traumatic delivery That should help calm some of your anxiety. Heightened emotions, including fear and anxiety, are normal in pregnancy partly because of the hormones, fight them with logic and a positive attitude (fake it if you have to, it'll come).

Second, every pregnancy, labor, and child is different. One to two isn't a huge transition (or at least wasn't for us). You have already learned so much so the leaning curve is much less steep.

Lastly, adding a child to the family doesn't take away from the first, it adds perspective. You appreciate each phase the child grows into with new eyes. You find out what is unique about each of the children and treasure what makes them special.

Everyone has fears with the second and most of us didn't even go through what you did with the first.

I will tell you my mom wasn't very loving due to mental issues. I spent my first pregnancy in total fear that I would be my mom, that I would see this child and feel nothing! I pushed that fear as far away as I could because it just isn't healthy. The minute I looked at my son, well, I think I could have moved mountains for him if there was a need.

With my second I wondered if I could handle two. Was I already doing right by the first, what if, what if. Very little changed, just a few tweaks here or there.

I was sure I was done at that point but no, I have four kids. :)

All I can tell you is that one of my close friends called me one day sobbing that she was pregnant with her third. She was devastated - we both had two children and her husband had just had a vasectomy. She did not want that baby. That little girl is now in kindergarten and the most joyful, fun addition to that family. No one can imagine life without her.

And I was my parents' fourth and last - a complete surprise, much younger than the rest, and not wanted - my parents have told me there were two forms of birth control when I was conceived, and while that is absolutely more than I wish to know and it hurt my feelings when I learned it as a teenager, I understand where they were at that time. And now in my mid 40s, I am the one who calls them regularly, makes them laugh, enjoys being with them…

Talk with your doctor about how to prepare for labor and delivery based on your past history. Be open to having a C section if that is recommended (personally, with your history, I would probably request it!), and get to know anyone you might need now - for example, it was hard to find a lactation consultant I could work with for my first, but once I did, I was grateful to have her all lined up for my second and life was much easier. You have lots of time to plan and prepare. And I know it seems impossible to love another baby as much as you love your first, but nature is funny that way and you just do. And keep talking to other moms on here and in your life.

Please talk to your ob/gyn immediately. Your concerns about the emotional side of this may be getting in the way of finding out, as fast as you can, one thing you most need to know early -- is this a high-risk pregnancy? Since you hemorrhaged last time, is there a greater risk to your life this time? You need objective, professional medical advice now so you know what to expect and how to proceed. Please, please find out, before anything else, what the risk to you is with this pregnancy. Everything may be fine in terms of your health -- it may be a case where you are "starting from scratch" and the health issues that happened last time are not necessarily going to repeat this time. But knowing whether this is a pregnancy that possibly endangers your life is a starting point. Information is power, even if it's information you don't want to hear.

If it's not that level of risk, I would consider seeing a counselor short-term, starting ASAP. You were traumatized by the experience last time, for good reason, and because you took longer to bond with your son you now fear losing that bond, but it's not necessarily so. A counselor could help you work through that and be positive about this pregnancy, but don't try to go it alone.

I have a friend who nearly bled to death with her second child but the third (and unplanned) pregnancy was fine; however, she was upset and worried much as you are. Worry can make you physically ill and could turn a normal pregnancy into a difficult one. She got through OK but she also had a huge group of doctors, ob/gyns and nurses who were with her all the way due to her issues with the previous pregnancy, and her husband had her back. If you don't have that kind of support -- see you doctor today, then give serious thought to a counselor. We can give you encouraging words here but you need people who are actually present in your life over the whole pregnancy. It really helped my friend to know she could call her team of medical professionals any time--you need the same thing if you are at risk.

And of course -- your husband is number one among those people who should be there for you. Where does he stand on this? Is he OK with an unexpected pregnancy that you were trying to prevent, or is this going to cause issues between you? Another excellent reason for counseling for you both, now, not after the baby comes.

I hear you. My first pregnancy was horrible (morning sickness, gained 40+ pounds of water weight, difficult delivery, severe PPD afterward, baby never slept, hard time bonding with her, etc). There was no way I was going to go through that again, not for love or money. My husband kept pressing the issue, and I ended up having baby #2 to shut him up. I know, not the best reason to have another child, and I wasn't happy about it at the time.

However, I ended up breezing through the pregnancy, had a very easy delivery, and she ended up being the world's easiest baby! (Granted, she was the craziest 2 year old EVER, but that's another post. ;)

Anyway, I guess my advice would be that if you do want to continue with the pregnancy, realize that it might be just fine. Every pregnancy is different, just as every child is different. True, a second child does take some of your focus away from your first child, but your son will soon be busy making his own friends in school and will naturally become less and less dependent upon you - and this will happen whether or not he has a sibling.

Try not to worry. The second time around is much less stressful because you know what to expect, and you have a preschooler to divert some of your attention from the pregnancy. Give yourself some time to think about this unexpected situation. You might find that this is not so scary a week from now. Best wishes to you!

It sounds like you had a horrible pregnancy. That does not mean this one will be that bad. I hated being pregnant with each of mine. The third was a surprise and I was not at all happy about it. It was my worst pregnancy. I was sick all the time and ended up in the hospital for a week with extreme "morning" sickness that just would not go away. I was miserable the entire nine months. Honestly, once my baby came I didn't connect as much with her as the other two, I was a little mad about the whole thing. She was a cute little baby but it was almost like I was babysitting instead of being her mother. We had to drag her to a million activities because the other two were in everything. Finally, when she was about two months old was when I finally realized in my head that she was ours and here to stay. Fast forward 23 years and she has been a unbelievable blessing to us. She is getting married soon and I can't tell you how glad we are that she came along when she did. You will do fine, it just might take a little time to accept your new reality of having two children.

Omigosh, I completely understand how you feel. I'd already been pregnant twice, had a little boy and then a little girl. One of each, my family was complete. Plus the pregnancies and labor had *sucked*. Not as traumatic and life-threatening as yours, but truly awful. Nausea for 9 months each, extreme fatigue, back labor, I simply hated being pregnant. So when I found out I was pregnant with my third (after actively trying to PREVENT getting pregnant, yeah, something went wrong there!), I was extremely upset. The thought of going through it all again was overwhelming, and my youngest had JUST turned one, still in diapers, still really a baby and my oldest had special needs. I was beyond not ready for a third.

My husband saw how upset I was and said "honey, it's your choice, we'll do whatever you decide". I decided that, although I didn't *want* a third child, fate had stepped in and a third child was what we were going to have.

Obviously, you can imagine what this is all leading up to. My youngest daughter is smart, beautiful, funny, and an absolute joy (most of the time). I was wrong, my family was SO NOT complete without her. I love her so much, I feel like crying just typing these words. I can't imagine our family without her. I'm so lucky she's ours and to think I didn't even want her. What a gift! My love for all 3 kids grows bigger every time I see them interact with each other (yep, even when they're fighting!).

You will be surprised at how much you love BOTH your kids, how loving one enhances loving the other and vice versa. There's plenty of room in your heart for both. Trust me, when you see your son taking care of and loving on his little bro or sis, you are going to absolutely MELT.

Sometimes, the universe or fate or God or whatever you believe in, just knows what you need, even when you don't.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time with the birth and early days/months with your son. It's very hard when our experiences don't live up to our expectations. It makes us really scared about doing it again.

I, too, had a very uneventful first pregnancy. I had a long, difficult labor (ended in a c-section, which I didn't mind) and wasn't able to hold my son for about 5 hours (mainly because I was passed out from exhaustion and pain killers). I got PPD and had a hard time bonding with him. While I don't think that had anything to do with the actual birth experience, I did have a lactation consultant once tell me it was, which made me even more depressed and I felt AWFUL. So, trust me, I understand how hard it is not to feel bonded right away and how it can make you very unsure about having another.

I did have a second - a baby girl born 3.5 years after my son. I was really nervous throughout the whole pregnancy about how I would bond, how I would adjust, whether I would be able to do it. The biggest difference between us is that my pregnancy was planned and I was happy about it, but I was just as terrified and unsure as you are.

It sounds like you are committed to keeping the baby, but keep in mind that you do have options if you want to keep your family of three.

The biggest difference going from one to two is feeling torn between them - their schedules don't match up and one is always sacrificing something for the other. The little one gets dragged around to the older one's activities and has to nap on the go a lot more. Sometimes the older one can't do things because the little one needs to nap. It is a lot more to balance and figure out.

The bright side is, once your little one is a bit older, they will play together. They will have so much fun and such a good time making up games, playing with their toys, and keeping each other entertained. Of course, they argue too, but it really is a built-in playmate.

It isn't easy, but I'm glad I had my second. For what it's worth, I was able to bond more quickly with her. Not sure why, but I did, even though she was a MUCH more difficult baby than my son.

Finally, a great counselor really is a good idea. I really recommend it. You should also discuss talking to her about the possibility of PPD and how to prevent or treat it.

Best of luck to you.

If you don't want to be pregnant, you don't have to stay pregnant.
My daughter and I both almost died during her birth, after an uneventful pregnancy. I swore I would never have another baby. When she was four, I got pregnant again, and I had an abortion. No regrets.

Own and Journal your thoughts. You will be able to shed light on good days and try to mimic whatever happened good on those days. Bless you.

I would immediately talk to my OB. What happened the last time that could be prevented? What support did you not get that time that you need now? What tests or therapies can you try? My sister had HELLP, so with this one, the c-section was already discussed and the moment her bloodwork got screwy, she was in the OR. She had her surgery and that was painful, BUT she was not sick, and her baby could stay in her room and they all left together. No NICU.

I would also talk to people whose parenting styles you like, who have more than one kid. My sister is juggling a newborn and her son right now and they are slowing figuring out baths and books and bedtime. An upshot is that their son, who for a while ignored Daddy, is really happy to be spending time with Daddy now.

It is not the same, but my DH has two older kids. When DD was born, they were teens. We made it work, and we did things like get a sitter a little more often and DD often took her naps in the car when I was getting SD from afterschool events. You find a way to make it work.

Also, there are camps and preschools for children his age. Even twice a week in the morning might give you the break you need and give him something that is all his.

Everything you are feeling is completely normal, even though your reasons for feeling that way may be different. I had a horrible experience delivering my first- induction that I should not have agreed to, 72 hours of fruitless labor, c-section where the anesthesia did not work properly. Horrible. When I became pregnant with my second, I focused on educating myself. I took control of my own care, I made truly informed decisions, and everything I did was focused on having a VBAC delivery. I hired a doula, a pre-natal chiropractor, and read medical journals. I took Bradley classes, followed the diet, exercised, and attended ICAN meetings. That is how I dealt with my fear- by taking action, taking control, and becoming informed. It worked for me because of my personality, but it also ended in me staying healthy, avoiding induction, and having an amazing drug-free delivery. I am NOT telling you this to advocate for the same result in your case. You may well benefit from a c-section, and I am NOT one to say that lightly. I just think that information is power, and you may find comfort in understanding why things went the way they did in your first delivery, and exploring all of your options to avoid the same outcome this time.

As far as moving from one to two- it changes your relationship with your first, I won't lie about that. It also may be strange at first with the new baby. You have had time to get to know your son, and you love him for WHO he is, in addtion to the fact that he is your child. The new baby does not have that advantage :) You may fall in love at first sight, but it may take a while. Don't worry about it! You will fall in love with the new baby, I promise. You found that cosleeping helped you bond- you can cosleep from day 1 with this baby! You know a lot more now than you did then. You are an experienced parent, you have skills that you didn't before. There are a lot of resources out there for you, take advantage of them. It will be hard, pregnancy, delivery, and parenting are not for wimps. But you are strong, you know you can be a great mom, and this baby deserves you and your family. You can do it, and you will.

I loved my first pregnancy. It was rough, and the pregnancy part itself was brutal (I had undiagnosed SLE at the time, so there was a slew of issues), but I loved the idea of having a baby. She was born tiny, and I wasn't able to nurse at all, which was sad, but she was perfect and healthy. I bonded with her immediately, but I understand that took time for you.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second, I literally wasn't even sure I could possibly like her until I held her. My first daughter was the center of my existence, and I was certain there was no way I could possibly love another child like I loved her. I was thankfully very wrong. I didn't have to split my love when DD2 was born, rather my capacity for love grew. It is a truly astounding feeling. And I was lucky enough to have people to talk to about it - who all felt the same way with their second pregnancies. I'm a second child, and my mother felt the same way her entire pregnancy until I was born :)

You will be fine. It may not be until your little one is born that you feel that way, but I assure you, it will all work out. Be sure to have a very open line of communication about your fears and complications with your doctor. That will help you relax I'm sure.

Talk to your doc. There's no need for your body to be damaged like this again. The doc can do preventive treatment to keep you safer. I can't imagine what you went through.

You have associated a lot of pain, fear, anger, and more to the event of having a baby. The baby is the results you want to focus on. Having a new life to hold and love and nurture. Having the experience of nursing your child is something you can focus on.

There are so many negative things associated to your baby. I hope you can put some positive affirmations on the walls in places you can see than and say them several times per day. They always help me.

I feel your pain! My birth experience with my first baby was awful, I won't get into it here, but I was terrified to go through it again. I cried when I found out I was pregnant again (and not the good kind of crying) and was depressed for several months. It wasn't until we went it for the first sonogram and the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat did I finally realize that I actually DID want this baby, it was a big game changer for me. The baby was fine, but I had to decide to make some changes so I could handle thing better. Talking to other moms can really help, talking to a counselor can help you heal from bad experiences and not let fear run your life.

For my second pregnancy, not only did I switch doctors, but I ended up hiring a doula, and it was the best decision ever. Also much cheaper than you'd imagine. She came to our house for 3 sessions and even gave our son a private siblings class. I learned SO MUCH about pregnancy and birth from her, it was very empowering. I ended up going through labor at home (like I wanted) and gave birth at the hospital without an epidural before the OB even got there. It was so healing and I was so proud of myself. Right after my daughter was born I remember shouting to my husband "I did it!" You deserve that moment.

Find a good counselor, make sure your OB is on the same page and understands your situation, and look for a doula who can assist you through this. You can do this!

You have an opportunity to experience an uneventful delivery and transition into the bonding with this new baby right away that you were robbed of before. Don't dwell on your fear, or it will take away your chance at contentment or even enjoyment of this pregnancy and new child.

No one can comprehend how they'll love another child as much - at least no one I've known! I remember the feeling clearly! But, as the other moms have said, your heart grows, and you get the new opportunity to feel a different kind of love. The kind you feel when you see your two children loving on each other. There's nothing like it. This child is going to be a friend and companion to your son for life, even after you're gone. Don't take that away from him because you're afraid right now. You can do it!

And, as other's have said, every delivery is different. My sister's horrifying labor and delivery the first time was followed by quick and easy the second time. You just never know. But you can do it. And you will be rewarded with a beautiful family you didn't expect!