I Will Never Understand..

I think you did right.
A grand parent playing favorites changes the dynamic between the siblings.
"Grandma loves ME better than YOU" - don't think they wouldn't say it.
What ever her problem is with little boys, it's her problem.

I get it. My FIL came down right away to see my son (he lives 8 hrs away and came down when my son was a couple weeks old) And has come down to see him three times a year. Then my daughter was born he stopped coming. My daughter is 5 mnths old and he hasn't met her yet.

you are doing the right thing by not allowing her to treat your son differently than your daughter. I am guessing she has not contacted to visit in 5 months because you put your foot down about her shitty behavior, but that was what you had to do. now I would let your husband decide what kind of relationship he wants with his mother and just do what you need to to keep protecting your kids.

The next time your kids ask for her, call her up and hand the oldest the phone. Let grandma explain to her why she can't come or whatever. Put the ball right back in her court.

"I hate her."
"She sucks."
"I want to completely cut her off from our lives."
"She's not worth it."

She was great when she did what you wanted -- babysat and gave you date nights. Then she backed off on child number two, but at least she made an effort to pretend to be happy (and how do you know she was pretending? Can you read minds?).

Have you considered any of the following, or are you so consumed in hate and anger that you cannot think of how another person might be feeling:

Maybe she is having money troubles you know nothing at all about. And maybe that's why she babysits other kids -- because she is paid to do it. She might tell you she's not, and doesn't need money, but people often lie to save face if they are in financial straits.

Maybe after quitting her job she has found that she did the wrong thing and now needs money; or is depressed; or is overwhelmed at the change in her life from not working, if she worked for many years. A lot of people quit or retire with lots of great intentions of seeing their kids and grandkids or doing special things -- and then they find they are just lost without their work, or they don't know how to really handle the change of routine.

Maybe she felt you and your husband were taking advantage of her with the first baby. Did you and he start acting like you expected her to take your daughter so you could have "time off"? Did she find she was seen less as a grandmother and more as a free babysitter, and the prospect of dealing with that for two kids was too much for her? You may feel you never did this and maybe you didn't -- but all too often on Mamapedia, moms post in anger at grandparents because the moms (and dads) have huge expectations that the grandparents will be perfect, and will take the kids often to give the parents breaks, and that is not the grandparent's job. Is there any chance you might have suggested she take your child a few times too often?

The intense anger and harsh language in your post tells me that maybe there were problems between you and her that were problems before there were any kids. You want her to behave a certain way, but you do not control her, and therefore you hate her and would be glad never to see her again. Wow. You can't control her but you can control your own reactions -- and you don't seemto be controlling those at all. You're demonstrating spite and anger to your children.

Where is your husband, her son, in all this? It is his role to step in and talk KINDLY to his mom about why she seems reluctant to see both kids. He may just find his mom needs some help in some aspect of her life and this is all nothing to do with her disliking your son or being hateful. In other words: He should man up, talk to her with respect, and find out what's up, not attack her. And you shouldn't be part of it since you cannot control your anger.

I will tell you what I told my bff: LET IT GO.
You have described my friend's situation exactly. Her MIL was thrilled when she had a baby girl. She came around all the time, brought her presents, etc. When she had her next child, a boy, suddenly she was "too busy" to come around, and even when she did she paid NO attention to her grandson. My friend was confused, sad and hurt. When she tried to talk to her MIL about it she got all defensive and told my friend she was imagining things, trying to cause trouble, etc.
The kids are 9 and 6 now. After many years of being angry and bitter my friend has finally accepted the fact that her MIL will never change. They still see the in laws, but it's pretty much limited to holiday gatherings. Instead they focus spending time with the rest of the extended family and a wide range of good friends. The kids are happy and healthy and loved. Is it sad that their grandparents aren't a bigger part of their lives? Sure, but that's THEIR loss, not the kids. The kids are frankly better off without them, especially the MIL with her very clear favoritism for her granddaughter.

I wonder where and why and how the younger generation developed this entitlement attitude that Grandparents are supposed to be automatic, built-in babysitters or activity coordinators?

Honestly, your attitude probably shows ALL over your body language and gestures. I'm positive she gets it that you're not happy with her choices. And that is honestly too bad, because YOU have contributed to this sense of what she does is not enough and will never be enough. And so she ended the cycle of ingratitude, not you dear.

BTW, my parents and in-laws have never, not once, ever watched my children. I still love them, I just know not to expect that from them. They send gift cards. That's the extent of their involvement. I wish with all my heart it were different, but it's not so I make the best of it. I love my kids with all my heart and love spending time with them. I've invested a lot of time into teaching my kids to get along and how to resolve conflict and we are just one super happy, supportive family for each other.

Stick to your guns. She makes equal time, or she doesn't make time. She takes your son, then she takes your daughter. Next time, she takes your son.

When she says he's too young, tell her then she can have your daughter when he gets older, after she has started showing him the same courtesy she showed your daughter.

If you don't do this, both your kids will know that grandma plays favorites and it will hurt them both.

You are doing the right thing. Don't expect anything more of her than she is doing - she is tired of being a grandmother, and there's nothing you can do about it. Just don't let her leave out that little boy in favor of his sister.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

Is she upset about something else? Maybe she feels disassociated with your son for one reason or another. It is definitely worth looking into. However, you just may never know the answer. And in the end, she is free to feel or do whatever she pleases. But it's up to you as the parent if you're willing to put up with it or not.

My mom was always more interested in my niece than my children. Although, she does just love to brag about my daughter being named after her mom. (My grandmother died when I was really young.) That being said, my mom and I were fighting on and off for the past 10+ years, and we just recently (within the last 7 months - when my youngest daughter was born) patched things up. We're finally experiencing a good mother/daughter relationship, and she's even being a terrific grandma to daughters (something she never did before). And then I found out that she deliberately spends more time with my niece because my brother and his ex both ignore her almost entirely. I had almost felt like she just didn't like me, and as an extension - my children. But in reality she's just around my niece more because my brother still lives with my mom. And now I take pride in my parenting abilities because I finally see that my mom TRUSTS me as a parent.

Now, does any of that become relevant in your situation? Probably not. However, I'm sure there's more to this situation than just her "disliking" your son. Perhaps she just doesn't want to have both at once. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Children deserve to have one-on-one time with grandparents. Also, have you considered that maybe your son doesn't listen to her or misbehaves more than your daughter?

Well, did you actually talk and have a conversation with her or did you just flip your crackers and go off on her?

I used to love spending time with my grandma alone.
She's telling you that taking ONE is okay with her but TWO is too many.
She might like handling a little girl better than handling a little boy.
I'd let her have your daughter now and then just so you have alone time with your son, his time will come too.
Sounds like you've put pressure on Grandma and now you will lose her completely....
ETA: You sound kind of mean. Kids dont NEED a grandmother, lots of kids don't have them because they are already dead.
You sound overwhelmed with your own life tho... and need to chill and quit blaming others for your unhappiness with the grandma situation.
You can always adopt a grandma, lots of little ol'd ladies love to spend time with little kids, especially the ones who have families that don't visit them for one reason or another. Seems like your MIL is using her grandma skills watching some kids from church, maybe less stressful than dealing with her own familys issues?

She sounds like my MIL. She has a very blatant preference for girls over boys. She will bend over backwards for her daughter, but do very little for her son (my husband). She has more time to spend with her friends and relative strangers than she does with us.

She loves to spend time with my daughter. I must admit that my daughter is very cute and well behaved ;-) I feel like my MIL loves to take her shopping to show her off to everyone. She also loves to buy her cute clothes. But she never extends the offer to my older son, who is almost four years old and also very cute and well behaved.

BUT, we cannot C. the way she is. We limit the access she has to our daughter unless she includes my two boys. My older son is still too young to understand my MIL's favoritism, but we have taught our daughter that is it not right for her grandmother to favor her over the two boys. And we have explained that when grandma spends way more time with my SIL and her family, it is not because of anything my childen have done. And when our kids get older, they can choose how much time they want to spend with Grandma. If they can't be bothered with her (the way she treats them), then I won't force them to see her.

It's okay for you to be angry, but you can't control your MIL's behavior. Just surround your children with people who love them. Try not to dwell on your MIL's attitude. It's not healthy for you or the kids. As long as they have you as their mommy and a loving home, they will be just fine :-)

Everyone has different expectations and ideas of being a grandmother - I think you need to sort out your expectations and she needs to sort out hers and figure out if you two can come to some common ground here. Otherwise, it is not worth it.

I think you need to calm down and show your MIL the same courtsey as you would show YOUR mom.

I would have a talk with yur MIL and explain that you want all of your children to heave equal "grandma time" so they will think they are equally loved by grandma. If she talks **it about you and your family or family members, then I would talk to her about that at the time it is happening. And when I say "at the time it is happening" I mean say, "excuse me friends, I need to talk to (MIL's name) for just a minute." Then take her aside in someplace private and explain why what she said was upsetting to you. Ask her why she said what she said. It may help you to understand. It may also help her to understand that off-handed remarks hurt your feelings.

My MIL and FIL hated me when my wife and I got married. I worked diligently to win them over. It was 15 years before I heard a kind word from my MIL. As for my FIL, he was still cussing me on his deathbed, so I never won him over.

Now that I am a grandpa, I can't get around like I used to. I can't handle as many three year olds as I used to. Your MIL may just have more aches and pains than she used to. A 3 yo grandson may be much more active than she is able to keep up with as she can with a 6 yo girl.

I hope you work it out. Your kids will greatly benefit if you can.

Good luck to you and yours.

How awful is THat?!

Have your husband deal with his mother.
Hopefully he can establish some fair ground rules with her.

Good luck!

She is showing favoritism. That's obvious and it is completely wrong. Honestly, I wouldn't WANT her to take my son. I would be afraid that she would ignore or mistreat him. Speaking from experience. :(
Cutting her off isn't the answer. I would drop by for short visits (occasionally with just your son) and see if you can build up a relationship between them. Invite her over knowing she may turn you down. If she makes excuses, blow it off. You tried.
DON'T discuss your frustrations in front of the kids. It will just hurt them.

My kids never lived close to either sets of grandparents. We would call them and visit as much as possible. My mom was the best at this. She would come get one of the kids, take them back to her house and then fly back with them. She would do it with both kids. But she did favor my daughter, who was the first grandchild and a girl. She enjoyed my son but it was a little different. My inlaws always favored the other grandchilden than ours. It has hurt my kids over the years but it is what it is.

Is it the fact that she won't take both at the same time or the fact that she is only taking your daughter? Some are overwhelmed with two. We would never send both our kids at the same time. We wanted them to have one on one time with their grandparents. The only thing you can do is talk with her. Does you son see the difference? If so, you do need to address this.

first thing - your attitude must change right now. is she wrong - YES. should you allow it - NO! but, nothing is going to change with you being angry.

it may not be a girl/boy thing, it may be a first born thing. my grandmother had a thing over the first born - my cousins did not exist. my brother did not exist. so sad.....in the end, she had no contact with any of us because I saw right through her by middle elementary school. and the only reason it took that long is that they lived in another state and my mother would make it seem as if she was treating us equal. literally....my mother would open all 10 gifts sent. pick four of the 9 that were for me, return them, buy something for my brother and voila!, we both got 5 presents from her. I caught her in about 3rd grade and the gig was up. after that , I helped her with equaling things out.

anyway, you were right to put your foot down that she needs to treat the kids equally. but, you need to keep communication open, continue to provide opportunities to spend time with the kids (supervised at this point to be sure she's not ignoring your son) and continue to say nothing but overly nice things about her to your children. when she realizes you will not tolerate unequal treatment, she will either fake it or she will pull out of their lives. there is nothing you can do about that and it is sad for everyone. but for everyone's sake in 20 years, please continue to try. I have no anger towards my grandmother - a lot of sadness, yes, but no anger because my parents tried so hard and we NEVER saw any anger from them towards her (and there were lots of other things that I know they were very angry about - rightfully so - but they didn't share til we were adults).

as an example...invite her to go to the zoo with you and the kids. when she has spent enough time with your daughter (and you might alert your daughter to this and how you want her to react), you simply make an excuse that she must take your son. something such as "johnny is dying for you to lift him up to see the lion" and you pick up your daughter and simply don't relinquish her. or you might tell your daughter that you would really like to show her something special at the lions and then she'll ask to be away from grandma. it will take work on your part, it will take great tact and maybe, acting, but it will be worth it if only to tell your kids when they were adults that you did all you could.

I would invite her to activities at least once a month and aim for twice a month.

if it is a "boy" thing, then help her with interacting with him. again, comments like above..."johnny loves it when you race cars from the chair to the couch, could you please while I make a snack?"

I know how awful this is - I lived it until she died at 90....but be the adult here and try.

good luck.

Does she have a daughter of her own? My guess is she has already experienced raising a son, and was excited to experience a little girl. It doesn't make it ok, but it might explain the behaviour. Also, some people just do better with one gender or the other. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done with a daughter, but I do enjoy my boys.

Just throwing this out there...maybe she finds caring for two children overwhelming. When it was just your daughter she could handle things. Now that there are two children maybe she finds it difficult.

Maybe you could invite her to your house for dinner. The children get to see her for a short period of time and when you are sick of her she can go home.

I know my second child is a lot more wild than my first. She is a handful and I don't blame people for doing things with my older child while excluding the younger one. When she is a little bit older and maybe a little less crazy she can be included too. Example: Shopping. Grandma wants to take the older one shopping for back to school. I don't blame her at all for wanting the younger one to stay home. What would be a nice shopping trip would turn into a 3 ring circus if the little one were included.

Here's the thing, if you feel this strongly about it, then why are you letting her buy time in your head? If it's as you say, it's her loss. There are worse things in the world than not having a close relationship with one's grandparents. Let it go, and don't talk to the kids about it, as you don't really have any answers for why they don't see her, just say you don't know. If you're misunderstanding her motives, then it's time to let your husband have a heart to heart with her about what might be going on with her that changed her relationship with you. Because, I have a feeling this is more about you than the children. And I'm really sorry if she hasn't had the balls to talk to you about it.

I have 3 children and my mother is also a young grandma, she gets really stressed when she has all three so I stopped asking her to watch all three, it's just too much work for her. We see her maybe once a month if at all but when we do I'm right there watching my children so they don't get too rowdy.

I think you are being unfair with your MIL, cutting her out of your life because she can't handle your two children? sorry but I don't think this is worth cutting her off for.
so what if she takes care of your friend's children from church, this is her private life and who knows what kind of arrangement she has with these friends. you should respect that.
Being a grandparent must suck sometimes since everyone expects you to be a free babysitter with zero complaints, the truth is I can barely handle my 3 children and I'm 36 and ALWAYS tired, I would never ask my 53 yo mother to care them for me. for an extended period of time.
Let your daughter develop a bond with grandma, I'm sure she will come around to your little boy too when he is a little bit older and less than a handful.