If She Lies again...not a Child a Grandmother

The hair cut thing doesn't bother me. She probably meant she hasn't had a decent, nice salon experience haircut, since she gets it done by a neighbor usually.

I have a family member who is an overexagerator and often tells little white lies. It gets annoying. Really, you can call her on it and ask her why she does it. Some people lie compulsively for whatever weird reason. When my friend lies, I usually respond with a, "Oh that's nice" or a raised eyebrow, and I change the subject, or I usually just don't respond and go on with the conversation. It doesn't have to be something you argue over or give credence to. It's a good way to give a hint that you don't buy the bs but that you aren't going to entertain it either.

Since you really don't want to associate much with her, why don't you tell her that you don't want to hear it everytime a lie comes out of her mouth? And then leave the room or house, hang up the phone, etc. If you give her a negative reaction, perhaps she will think twice about saying this stuff.

Didn't anybody ever teach her about the little boy who cried wolf? :(

So sorry!
Dawn

She sounds like a compulsive liar. A compulsive liar will resort to telling lies, regardless of the situation. Here's a link that may help you:

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/co...

I wish I had some better answers for you, because your mom sounds like she needs a great deal of therapy. Good luck.

If the lies are like your example, I don't really consider that "lying." She was just trying to make a point that she hadn't had her hair cut in a long time. So what if she didn't pause to count the years.

I think there must be some very deep-rooted issues on your part that you haven't dealt with that make it hard for you to deal with your mother. I think you need the counseling but not really sure if your mom does.

It just doesn't seem to be a big deal to me and if this is the worst she does, you have issues you need to deal with.

Get the therapy for yourself to help you deal with the stupid. You can't change her, but you can get tools to cope. Good luck!

"don't know if going with her to therapy will help us out or not" is a cop out. unless you have tried and failed, then you still have options. therapy is wonderful. most need it and can't afford it. if she is going, or you are going, take advantage of it!! it sounds like she does have true psychological issues, this doesn't sound like she's just a crappy human being. help her. help your family.

She was a foster child? She might have learned very early that exaggerating got her the attention she craved and needed. Did that occur to you?

It sounds less like she is lying than like she is exaggerating about a lot of little, day-to-day things; she isn't accusing people of dire crimes, is she? If she's mostly exaggerating about a lot of dumb, as you say "random," things, she sounds as if she has some mental and/or emotional issues and always has.

While your frustration with it is understandable, have you ever tried talking to her about therapy, as several other folks on here have suggested? She likely has NO idea that she is doing this; it's so ingrained after so long that it's unconsciously done, and she probably would be utterly shocked if you said, "You are lying about X" because she doesn't see it at all. I'm not saying that to let her off the hook, but I am saying she seems to do this as naturally as she breathes, so it sounds like a coping mechanism she developed long before you came along....so don't consider it a person affront to you, but a serious mental issue for her.

Can you manage to see it that way and either live with it and find some other good in her, or try to help her? Because I don't see any affection for any other part of her in your post. If you feel anything for her, I'd try to get her some help somehow, OR learn to focus solely on the parts of her you like and not engage with her any attempts to convince her that anything she says is wrong. Not a fun way to have a relationship, but short of her getting serious mental help, or you breaking off all relations with her, what else can you do?

My own older sister..and to a different degree my hubbys step sister, are like this. Like Momma L said. The gals in my life have always done the over exaggeration thing to spin a good tale (both are pretty good story tellers, BTW). And after hearing the same stories so many times, with a few tweaks over the years, I can say they honestly believe the falsehoods that work their way into this stuff.

They believe their own lies to now be the truth..what really happened. It has become their reality. And they do not like to be called out on it, even in a simple non-confrontational way. It changes their demeanor from highlight of the crowd for that moment, to sour pussed face, you rained on my parade types.

I know my sister uses these "I haven't cut my hair in 10 years" or one of hers "I haven't bought new jeans in 10 years" sayings (even tho shes been 4 different sizes in that time like me). She exaggerates as part of her normal speech patterns or something!

For me, I glad that both of these gals in my life live in other states. I actually know MANY people with relatives like this in their lives..we call them our "false reality" siblings ( or relatives....living in their own false reality of lies and exaggerations). And almost all of them have opted to take that job out of state and start over or live in small towns where they are notable in or really big ones that swallow them up. Go figure!

Best of luck with the return of yours!

Can you control the words that exit her mouth?

If not, then don't worry about it.

Pathological lying is a psychological condition. You mentioned going with her to therapy. Is she already seeking help? Has she or her doctor asked you to go with? If so, do it. If she isn't getting help, kindly suggest that she does and be prepared with names and numbers.

Arguing with her about facts will not do any good, but you should let the people in your life know to take what she says with a grain of salt when speaking to her.

I have a mother andddd a sister who lie and it is really creepy because they do it to justify why they did something mean, repeated private information or stories, etc. etc. I would like to read up on what Jubee posted as a link. when it hurts someone it is terrible, as in my case sometimes, but when it's the 'haircut' story I do chalk it up to exaggeration and I myself have said things like I spent thousands of dollars to clean my tshirt! not really of course. Now perhaps you start jotting down the real lies and the exaggerations and we both do our homework and read up on it. You are right, you can't avoid her and she isn't that old so you will bump into her or have her come over. Just also keep track if your kids repeat what she says and let them know when the truth has been altered. And it really is sad, to lie, like my sister and my mother do because the truth is usually just as good and then you have to cover lies by telling another one. Good luck!

Ok, maybe the example you gave is deceptively benign, but lying about whether she has had her hair cut or not seems a pretty trivial thing to get upset about. And based on your telling of it, it sounds like she had the neighbor cut her hair (which sounds like it was probably free) so her statement that she didn't waste money on haircuts is true.

To be honest the only lies worth confronting her about would be lies she tells to other people that could actually ruin your reputation in the community or get someone physically hurt. Everything else DOES NOT matter! Let it go. Don't react. I am sure a big part of it for her is getting attention so don't feed that attention monster by giving attention by challenging all her lies. Give her attention for her positive traits (make a list of those good traits so it is easier for you to recognize them).

She is what she is and you can not change her. All you have control over is your own reaction and attitude. Best of luck to you.

This is the mom you have, and unless she comes to the realization on her own that her behaviors are causing problems and she needs to change, she's just never going to change. I'm certain that her behaviors and attitudes have a lot to do with being forced to grow up in the foster system. She sounds quite immature and unable to trust, and she's probably scarred from feelings of abandonment. How could she not growing up in foster care? And then you left (rightfully, for yourself to be healthy), and then her husband abandoned her by dying. How dare he! Now she needs a life raft. She probably senses your frustrations but it sounds like she's reacting much the way a scared, combative, attention-seeking teenager starved for love would behave.

Before you stated at the end that she was a foster kid, I was going to ask if there were any chance that you could move your family to be further away but I think it would make the situation worse. Your mom needs help. Is there any way she would agree to some counseling?

I had one thing in mind until I got to the end of your post. You say she has always been like this. What on earth makes you think she is going to change. I heard once (don't remember where) that only two things will actually change a person's genuine core...psychotherapy and religious conversion. Since you probably aren't qualified to provide either to her, why not seek counseling for yourself in how you interact with her and your relationship. Now that is an area that you can control. Now if it a really big thing like telling people you beat your children or slept with 2,800 men then I would call her out on it immediately and ask why she would say something like that that wasn't true. For the smaller things, I know it is annoying, I too know someone like that but at least we aren't related. I just kind of ignore it. If I called her out on every little thing...we'd never advance the conversation LOL.

I would try therapy it's worth a shot!

does dimentia run in your family?