Im Just a Man Needing Womens Advice Please

If you have been talking to her a year now and no one knoww about you i would ask myself why.This doesn't sound to good to me.

I think you did the right thing by asking. It means you care. All I can say to you is I would not move until you know for sure she will not go back to her ex. She just has you in the back ground right now. If you have not meet the kids yet means she not commented yet. Get out before your heart gets to into it. Sorry but I don't think this will work. But good luck if you go for it, you will need it.

A.

I think you did the right thing by asking advice! Kudos! That said, here's my take on it: relationships are built on trust, communication and mutual respect. The key here is the communication - you should ask her what her intentions are. If you love someone & are in a relationship, you should never be afraid to talk to that person about ANYTHING. I would not up and move just yet. You need to be sure of her intentions before you change your life so drastically. Tell her that you are wanting to take the next logical step & move closer to her & start getting to know her kids as well. Is she still uncomfortable letting her kids know that she's dating, etc? Of course her kids are first, they always will be. BUT she does NOT have to go back to her ex for the kids & him to have a relationship! That is a very WRONG move if they don't love each other & aren't happy together. It will only make not only their lives miserable but the kids as well having to live in that. TALK! That's my advice. Be honest with her, she deserves no less. Ask her to be honest with you. COMMUNICATION! I can't stress it enough!

From one man to another, however I am much older than you, and suggest you listen to an old man.

Let them alone and move on with your life.

God Bless Merry Christmas

No offense here.
I applaud your wanting to do what is right for the kids, and at the same time recognizing that adults also need to take care of their own happiness and not become martyrs to their children's desires. When she was a child, my daughter wanted me and her dad to get back together, but I knew that wasn't a good idea, and that she would not be able to understand why until she was older. Her dad is not a bad guy, he just wasn't the right guy, and I didn't realize that before I got pregnant. What I'm trying to say is that her wanting to do what makes the kids happy is all well and good, but if she keeps going back to the ex and leaving again, that's not good for the kids, and it's not making anybody happy in the long run.
It sounds like she needs to figure out what she wants before she will be ready for a serious relationship with anyone else. If she's keeping you a secret, then she isn't ready for a real relationship. If I were you, I would not relocate just yet, unless where she lives is somewhere that you would want to live if she weren't part of the picture.

As for meeting the kids, I allowed my daughter to meet my dates. I think it's important for kids to know that grownups need time with other grownups.

Best of luck to you.

Wow. you've got a lot on your plate. To me, it sounds as if she's not completely done with her past relationship. I mean, you two have been maintaining a long distance relationship by phone and her children don't know about you yet. That's a little odd. Either she's not done with her ex or she's not looking for more than friendship from you. I'm not sure if moving to be near her is in your best interests. I'm thinking this means finding a new place to live and a new job. It's a big committment from you but, in all honesty, I'm not reading in your questions anythings that says she's interested in committing to you. C., some women use children as an excuse...in this case she has you all tied up in knots because everything hinges on her kids' happiness and her willingness to do anything to make them happy. I'm not sensing that she's made you part of that list. You seem very worried that she'll go back again to her ex. That tells me something about your deep-down perception of your relationswhip with her. Maybe you should keep looking. Somewhere out there is a woman who is waiting for you and won't tie you up in knots. Go looking for her. Best of luck!

C., There is nothing that you can do personally to help other than support her in any of her decisions. To push her to put you & her children together is not the solution. You did not say how long she has been divorced but she may need to "mature" in her situation. That only comes from her experiences. I have been married to my soulmate for almost 16 years now & our adult boys are 41, 38, 35, & 34. All of them would STILL like their mother & father to remarry & live happily ever after. LOL! That will never change. It takes a very mature person to handle that attitude & for many years early on in my marriage I was on the same level with them which only made things worse for my poor husband. I am thankful to God that he tolerated all of us & our constant resentment to one another. We are all much better now with a sad 10 years pretty much wasted on petty stuff. Think long & hard about marrying someone with children if you have none of your own. I would not consider moving closer to her. Let her come to you. Then you will know that she can do what it takes to stand firm but lovingly to give the children an opportunity to adapt. You can't do this for her. I am sure that this is not what you want to hear but I know what has worked for me & for sure what hasn't! God bless, good luck & let me know your thoughts! Older Hardy Mom.

Does she know of your plans to move closer to her? Is it possible that you're rushing things and trying too hard to make it work when perhaps she isn't ready for that? When she's ready for you to meet her kids, she'll let you know. If she doesn't want you to meet them yet, give her time. Maybe she needs to feel more comfortable with you before allowing you to become a part of their lives. I also get what you're saying about needing to be happy herself, but when you're a parent, your kids come first ALWAYS. There's no way around that. Yes she should be happy, but she won't be happy if her kids are miserable. Don't rush things, just see where they go. Good luck to you.

Hi C.,

I applaud your efforts in wanting to get a woman's view on this topic. Most men wouldn't. If you don't mind taking some advice from an older woman (wife, mom and nana) then read on.

I was a single mom of a six year old girl when my now husband and I met and started dating. Our first date was a blind lunch date but he made sure that the second date involved my daughter. Not only did he want to be up front with her, he wanted to see the interaction between me and my daughter. Actions and interactions speak loudly. We must have passed the test because we've been married almost 23 years. I must also tell you that there wasn't a father involved though...he had abandoned us at her birth, so that wasn't a hurdle that my husband had to jump.

I would have a heart to heart with your girlfriend before even beginning the following process. Find out how interested she is and if she is willing to take the next steps. Make sure the ex is permanently out of the picture with no possible chance of a reconciliation...even for the children's sake. If that all turns out well then move on from there.

I'd suggest that your girlfriend start by being honest with her children. You don't mention their ages but all children instictively know when something is going on. They also want mom and dad to get back together and in most cases will do and say anything to get that to happen. IMO I think your girlfriend needs to sit them down and let them know that there is no chance of her and their father ever getting back together and it's not their fault. She shouldn't talk bad about their father but explain that sometimes adults change and it's not just possible for things to remain the same. This needs to be done now...before you are ever introduced into the picture or you will become the scapegoat and have all the blame laid on your back with no chance of ever having a positive relationship with them.

This is going to take some time so you'll have to be patient. If you rush things you just might ruin any chance you have with a future with this mom and children. I know this will be difficult but, refrain from making the move too soon. Let your girlfriend slowly introduce you to her children through letters, notes, or emails. Don't try and buy their affection with gifts...they'll see right through that. But find out about their interests and then find acceptable websites pertaining to those interests and email links to them to their mom and them saying you thought of them when you stumbled across it. Send a picture of yourself to her that involves you doing something that the children might like to do...nothing sexy, boring or stoic. You want to peek their interest and curiosity. Let them know that you are the kind of guy that they would like to meet. It probably wouldn't hurt to be introduced to them either over the phone or by webcam. Just enough to say hi. Then make a visit to where they live, stay in a hotel, DO NOT sleep over...that will be a deal breaker. Take them all out for a picnic or to a place like Chuch E. Cheese. Do not display affection with their mother on your first visit...just be an interesting guy who wants to get to know mom and the kids more without being a threat.

You might want to make a couple visits to test the waters before you decide to make the move. If you move too fast the children will naturally be alarmed and on the defense of their mother (and father).

I know this sounds like an eternity...but if you want to have a permanent relationship with this woman and her children, slow and steady is the way to play it. If you move too fast you'll be perceived as a threat and a wall will be permanently built up between you and the children. You don't want that to happen.

Think of yourself as the turtle in the fable of the race between the hare and the turtle. Just keep moving on, slow and easy, you'll W. the race.

I hope this has been helpful and not scared you off entirely from proceding with making a lasting relationship with this family...yes, it's a family that you will have to court, not just the mom. Mom is going to be very alert and in tune with the way you and the children interact. So play it cool. If she senses that you are moving too fast she'll back off to protect her children. Good luck...and thanks for being a stand-up guy in this matter. Most men would just jump in with both feet without giving any thought to potential pitfalls or disasterous outcomes.

Have a blessed Christmas. May your new year be filled with many happy surprises and blessings. If I haven't been clear on anything just pm me and I'll try to clear things up.

W. Q

Hi C.,
Have you and your gf talked about a possibility of them getting back together?? If it was me I would just not make the move unless she is for sure that she won't get back together with the husband...I'm agarid that you will make that move for nothing unless you just want to move to where she is...I'm in a long distance relationship but I'm with a lady...Long distance relationships are hard to deal with at times...Why don't you go for a visit and see what happens...Good luck C. and I wish you the best..G.

The kids will always want the parents back together. Is that right for the parents is the question. With the girlfriend keeping you a secret you do not want to move there until they know about you.

My dad always would get remarried and then tell us kids that never went well. TV shows don't tell everything.

Good luck and God Bless.
Merry Christmas
T.

Don't move without her consent or you will seem like a stalker. This wouldn't even be something you should SURPRISE them with. She will definitely not let you see the kids in that case. Yes, all good mothers want to do whatever it takes to make their children happy but that does have exceptions. Going back with her ex may be one of those. If they see her in an unhappy relationship - it won't make them any happier. It is her move to introduce you to them and again, you'll need to take her lead on when and how that happens. All children want the fairy tale where mom and dad stay together forever but sooo many times that doesn't happen and they end up loving a step-mom/dad deeply and cope well with the additional family members. I would recommend (at this time anyway) staying where you are, continue to work, make new friends, see your old friends - talk to her when it's convenient. The old "if it's meant to be - it will work out" is nearly always true. It seems like you have made it clear to her about your feelings. Let her deal with her own feelings and she'll help the kids with theirs. If time isn't a concern, tell your long distance gf to let you know when she's ready to move forward and to let you know. If you're ready for a more steady relationship right now - bring in the new year with friends closer to home and maybe a new gf.

i agree a good relationship is based on trust and being able to talk everything out. Let her know what you want and need and tell her you understand that her children are everything to her but if the ex is no good then its not good for the children. Take baby steps try weekends then take vacation. If you really want to be with her and she wants to be with you then it well work. Just remember putting the children first is Great,just make sure that when the kids need guidance that you and the Gf are on the same page, sometimes the kids are put before the parents significant other. And that is a real prob...experience!! good luck..remember baby steps!

I went through the same situation, being divorced having 2 kids, having the kids want my ex and I back together, and the long distance relationship. I would say that your girlfriend is just being extra cautious with her children not wanting you to meet them until she is sure about things. It is important that the children like you, but they don't have to love you. You need to meet them before you make any relocations. Be patient, talk it out with your girlfriend and see where she stands on everything. Is she completely over her ex? Does she want to be serious with you? Is she ready to let you into her life on a more personal level and to let you meet her kids? My kids loved my boyfriend from day one and everything worked out with him moving to the same city I was in. We have been happily married for almost 5 years and have since had a baby in addition to my 2 children from my ex. There is hope but move slow and be cautious.

What concerns me is that no one knows that there is a "you." This sounds like she just likes to talk with someone. When you take care of children you long for an adult to talk to. WARNING don't put this emotional baggage on her. If you really want her then wait and let the long distant relationship develope.
Also you should just visit and see the lay of the land before moving there this is after they know about you. Older kids seem to become closer to their fathers and small ones want a daddy. Of course there are different situations. Don't be too quick to move - let the relationship develop.

I think you have more issues then the children. What does your girlfriend want you to do? Does she say she wants you to move there?

Have you met her in person for any substantial amount of time? Have you talked about how your relationship would go if you moved there? Do you have the same morals and beliefs? Would you discipline the kids in the same manner? What about finances, do you have the same spending/saving habits?

Also being friends at a distance and actually having that same friendship and chemistry in person is very different. There are a lot of people who meet, mostly on the internet and have these long distance relationships and its easy to become great friends, and sometimes maybe even say oh yes I like this and that but when it comes down to the reality what they say and what they live are 2 different things. There are a lot of lonely people out there or they are unhappy with their marriage but wouldnt leave it but have emotional affairs with people at a distance because it makes them feel safe that they can have both.
I have known a couple of women to be married and talking to several guys on one site making them think she loved them. Somehow they found out about each other and one guy was going to leave his wife for her because he thought she was real in what she was saying.

If she is saying the kids want her back with their dad and he hasn't moved, on he could be coaching the kids. Which if he is then he could cause even more problems when you became more apart of the kids lives.
I think if your girlfriend is telling you this and she isn't sure what she will do then you shouldn't move. You will end up broken hearted.

Just some thoughts I hope they help!
Good Luck in whatever you do!

Kids are not hard to make happy,if was be before I move down there i would take a vacation for about a week or maybe just for the weekend and meet the kids,and wait a little while and see how the things go,and see if its worth what you are planning in do,I have a stepdaughter and she is 8 and Im 21,at first she wanted her mom and dad together they tried 3 times didnt work out,now me and her dad are married and she lives with us he has full custody of his daughter and we get along sometimes,except when she is a lil brat but if i have to yell,or punish her her dad doesnt say nothing he knows it is necessary,but like i said i wouldnt move out of where im just to be with somebody and not be sure if will work out or not,meet them first and then you make your decision...
Good luck

Remember kids really don't like people who are artificially happy or try too hard. Be yourself. Acknowledge what they say and really listen. If they say things that are about not liking you don't get angry, just say I understand you're bothered by me right now. I'm going to be around and I'd like you to give me a chance. You let me know when you're ready ok. Take your time, don't try to be their best friend right away and don't take offense if it takes a while for them to warm up to you. Treat them with respect and be honest but kind. Good luck

C.,

I don't want to hurt you because it seems you are very attached to this lady, however, If you rescue a damsel in distress, what you end up with when the crisis is over is a distressed damsel. The truth of the matter is, when you marry someone with children you are always doing to have the other parent in your life. FOREVER. There will be visitaion, school events, graduations, holidays, sporting events, college, marriages, grandchildren etc. The other parent has just as big an interest as your potential wife etc.
This is VERY premature to be moving anywhere unless you have a fantastic job opportunity that you would move to whether she was there or not.
As for the kids. They didn't ask for their parents to get a divorce. They don't care that their daddy isn't very nice. They don't care that you might be a better person. They want to live in the same house with both of their parents. they love their daddy as much as their mommy and they don't want some other guy their mom likes to live with them and try to tell them what to do. There is no winning them over and there is no parenting them. You are the bystander in their eyes. the intruder. There is no purpose or need for you. Frankly she has no business dating at this point and should be concentrating on her kids and creating a new life, however that is her choice. How often do you spend time with her in person? If it is less than once a week, this is VERY PREMATURE, despite the year of knowing each other. I know that you live in a small community and you don't think their are alot of choice there but there are. The fact that you haven't met the children is a good thing. You don't want to disrupt their lives. She is doing a good thing by not letting them see her with other men. That tells me she is a good mom and doesn't want to involve other people in her kids lives before she knows for certain what she wants. I would not disrupt my entire life for this lady. If this is something she wants you to do, I would step back and wonder why. This is a huge step from casual dating and phone calls. I would tell her that you know she has a ton of choices to make and it sounds like her divorce is fairly fresh. That you would like to increase your dating and be physically together every week.and you would like her kids to be aware that you are dating and while you don't want to be involved in their lives yet you do want to meet them and them see you when you pick her up etc. If she balks at any of this ( and I think she will), then MOVE ON! She is a distressed damsel looking for a hero. You can't be her hero, you can't fix it, change it, or make her life better. Find a nice woman who has never married and go for it. you will find there are ladies out there that admire you and want to get to know you better, right in your area. Good luck

Don't worry C....you're not the first man to ask advice on here. First of all...props to you for not expecting your gf to choose you over the kids. Her kids will always be her first priority. Now, with that said, I think as long as you know that she's done with the ex, then you should give it a try. If mama tries to make ONLY the kids happy then she herself will never find happiness. Her kids may have a hard time with you at the beginning, but if its a relationship that you and your gf really want, then just help the kids with the situation. Try family counseling or going to a church pastor. I would just say that you need to take things slowly once you get there. Don't move in with them and start coming around a little at a time. You don't want to overwhelm them too much at first. Let them warm up to you. Good luck! Hope something I said is able to help.

A. K

This should be Momma/Daddysource!! I would say give it a little more time to make sure she isn't going back to her ex (cause it sounds like she usually does). Some people can't give up the marriage even though it is the worse thing for the kids. Mommy & Daddy always argueing or splitting up isn't the best thing for kids to grow up with. Teaching the kids healthy relationships is best - and easier said than done. I was in the same similar situation and the guy I was dating didn't meet my boys for 8 months. I had been divorced at that point for 7 years. I didn't want to introduce my kids to one guy & then another. Be patient when/if you get to meet the kids. BE YOURSELF - don't try to buy them. You can get them gifts but not all the time. Try to include them in some of the things that you do to show them you are not trying to take away their mom. Let her deal with Daddy questions. Good Luck!!

No; don't move there. If she had deep feelings for you she'd want to be with you more, not less, she wouldn't be keeping you a secret from her kids and ex, and she would probably want to move to the city you live! Please don't just up and leave your current life to move near someone who keeps you a secret. It doesn't sound like the relationship will last and then you would have wasted your time and have to move back home for what? A person who doesn't treasure you enough to tell her kids about you after a year. I could see not telling them about you for a couple of months until she figured out how she felt about you; but a year? My advice for you is to find someone who will treasure you for you!

Unforunately C., you already have the right of it - there's the possibility of regretting it both ways.
But her getting back together with her ex is not what's best for the kids. I know this from personal experience. My kids love their dad, but we had a very negative relationship - mostly born from his constant drinking and drug habits when I was pregnant and they were very young. They saw and heard all the fights, me on the phone at 5am trying to tack him down, and even the police at the house at 4am in one instance. I met a man that was everything my ex wasn't - caring and supportive - and have had a long relationship together, 6 years now. He even carried me thru my fight with cancer. We finally got married just this month.
Thru the first four years of our relationship, the kids talked about "daddy coming back home". I just had to remind them that it wasn't a good idea - "daddy & I didn't get along so well", and with that and my fiance's support of them (and tolerance of their father - which hard when dealing with "cool dad"), he won them over. But he didn't do it with treats and prizes (I dont think you try to buy the childrens' affection), he instead used praise and support. The occasional toy or treat is okay though, to let em know your thinking about them, or if they've done something to earn them.
The biggest plus to our relationship is our open communication though. Maybe you should talk to her about all of your plans, desires, and concerns. Get a "feel" on how she's responds, and go from there. But be warned, if she's still talking to you about getting back together with her ex for the kids' sake, she's either unaware of your affections, or she has some co-dependance issues she needs to address before getting into another serious relationship. Kids don't know whats best for the family, only whats best for them. When one of the partners is out of the equation, they forget about all the pain and screaming - they only see one of their parents sad and lonely, and want to make them happy again.
I hope my story has helped you (and maybe your gf too) in some way. :}