I'm over the Teenagers That Roam the Earth!

Welcome to the teenage years!!!! Keep in mind that up until now you scheduled everything for them. They are learning to prioritize, schedule, and think of others. They are becoming adults and they will make mistakes. Make it their jobs to do some chores that will only affect them like doing their own laundry or making dinner for themselves once a week. If they cannot make it to service then have them call and tell the person. My daughter and I did Jelly Belly days, made blankets for a womens shelter and collected baby items for the needy. It was a great way to get her involved in service and along the way I was able to teach her that service is not about school requirements it is about helping others. On her own she started doing service at a horse stable. She would help children with special needs ride the horses. She loved it even though she never had been on a horse herself. Now she is a freshman in college and has sign up for Habitat for Humanity.
There were times I was unable to drive my daughter to her friends because she made last minute plans but most of the time it worked out. I always reminded her to thank us for the ride because it was not something we had to do as a parent it was someting we wanted to do for her. As she got older she did become more appreciative and started making plans ahead time or at least asking us when a good time would be for us to drive her.
They are teenagers and teenage years are hard for everyone but you will get through it!!!!! You will have a few more winkles and grey hairs though!!!

Why didn't you let them be in charge of their OWN community service hours? If they're about to graduate, then they really need to start taking responsibility for themselves. It's find to remind them they need to be finding something and even to suggest they do this or that, but a huge problem in our society today are the "helicopter" parents who are way TOO involved in all of their kids' decisions. They're even going on college interviews and phoning Deans! I'm not saying you're one of them -it sounds like you've done a great job being a very helpful mother, but I do think it's time for you to back off. Let them arrange their own transportation to some things. They don't do it? Oh well, guess they won't be going. As you said, they're smart, so they'll figure it all out. If they want money -let them get an after school or weekend job. Give them an allowance, but for things they do around the house and yard. I'm sure they're also old enough to cook many things themselves and maybe they should each be in charge of dinner one night a week.

I wouldn't say another word about the service hours and the Halloween thing. Let them do what they want but DO NOT step in to help them get out of a jam or "fix" it for them with the coach. I completely agree with another poster who suggested they earn service hours by getting their hands a little dirtier. They sound like they need a BIG lesson in appreciation, so maybe some hours at a nursing home, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter (especially if you can find one with a daycare), Habitat for Humanity, environmental organizations that clean trash out of public parks and nature areas -that kind of thing.

One note about selfish teens -they are teenagers. Most teenagers are VERY selfish and all about themselves. Many do work in service organizations and give their time, but many also do it for entrance to college. I remember being a teenager and ultimately existed for getting to do whatever I wanted. I was a good kid, a smart kid, a kid who worked and was part of community service and church organizations, but I was still REALLY selfish! Like I said -let them start taking more responsibility and keep telling them that you're NOT their personal servant and they DO need to get a grip or they're going to screw themselves!

My advice is to seperate yourself a little bit from them. If they drop the ball, THEY suffer the consequences. You'll be a better parent by letting them suffer thosee consequences AND creating their own successes. Sure the deal with assistant coaching volleyball was a great idea but it wasn't their idea or doing. Most people have more of a vested interest and vision if it is their idea/plan to start with. Also, teenagers have driven their parents/caregivers crazy since the beginning of time ;-). If you can take the emotional part out of it and just be matter of fact about things it might cause you less stress. I agree about boundaries and I'd add some responsibilities to the list. If you do go that route you will need to remind them (and yourself) what you expect (often, reptition is good) , this won't change easily and you'll probably get a lot of push back.

My parents didn't have a choice but to let me figure it out on my own... Let me explain.

When I was 16, my parents lost their jobs with the local Newpaper. My stepbrothers were useless (for the most part) and I was the only one that was working... At Burger King. My stepdad was putting in apps and resumes everywhere... Most places were telling him he was over-qualified. I got my mom a job with me... So, now both of us were working (making $12/hr between the 2 of us). I was also going to HS like usual. My mother was sitting and writing bills one evening and she was visibly upset (she's not one to show emotion) and I asked what was wrong... She asked me if I preferred electric or gas. Um, what? Ok... I went to my room and handed her a check for $100. I had to start paying ____@____.com child support check went to pay for groceries for the family (even tho my stepbros were pitching in nada ____@____.com thing) and I was hardly ever there to eat it! Then, my stepdad started working with us at BK because his unemployment was running out (not like now where you can get extension after extension...).

Did that make me respect what my parents had to go through... He11 yes! Tell your teens they could be in that situation instead....

You've done nothing wrong. They just need to experience hardship to really GET it.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think volunteering at a soup kitchen or cancer ward may have had more of an impact than a cush 'show up when you can to help other suburban kids practice some sport' gig.

Again, JMHO, but they need to be doing a lot more, and you a lot less. This is their time to show you what they can do, not get you to do things for them. GL!

You know what mom, you have done an amazing job. . It may be too good..

Why are you setting up the volunteer opportunities? This should be the teens that are required, to work this out..

If they cannot make up their minds about social events and it does not fit your schedule.. They need to make other arrangements..

They may be in National Honor Society, but it seems they depend on you to do the organizing and IF they feel like it they show up..This does not sound right.

How about you step back?.. No more helicopter. parenting they do not appreciate what you do, it is because they do not really understand all that you do.. From now on if they need to get somewhere or need to fulfill an obligation, really make them do it.. This type of help was fine when they were younger, but these young people will soon be away at college with no moms to set this and that up..

Let them experience the pleasure and honor of really doing what is expected of them.. You will be doing them a favor.. I promise.. They will surprise you and make it happen. If for some reason they don not? It is not a reflection on you, it is their own choices..

I know about this, my daughter is now a junior in college, she actually won the Presidential Award since she was in 5th grade for her volunteering 100's of hours a year. Once she was in middle school, I took a step back and let her be in charge of her grades, her activities and her volunteering. Yes, we would discuss options, but I had here make the final decisions and most of the arrangements.. (she could not drive)

Now do not get me wrong.. there were times she dropped the ball and missed out, but at least she knew and accepted it was her fault.

She was frustrated that many of her friends could not make plans, were always changing them till the last minute.. Many times, she learned to put her foot down and just make the decisions for all of them.. In College, she was so good at organizing, she is now know in her House on campus as being the go to organize person..

ok, I do not have teens yet, but my mom did a good job in my opinion so here is what she did and what I am working on doing myself:
1. if we could reach it, ourselves it was our job to do. (laundry, food, aside from dinner but even then I had to make dinner once or twice a week, cleaning etc.
2. if we wanted to buy it we better have all or at least half depending on the item/pricing
3. if we wanted to go somewhere we better have a plan on how to get there and how to pay for it (mom was not the money fairy)
4. we discussed with her what we needed to get done "this week/month" etc and got our priorities in line together much like a boss at your job might do and we were held to our goals and had to face consequences.
In my teen years she was more like a Supervisor/Manager then 'my mom' we knew the rules and followed them and if we did not then we had consequences. We learned priorities b/c we knew what doing certain things could bring to us in the future.

I have to agree with Katie's LAST sentence only---you're dumb enough to do all the work----why shouldn't they let you? (Even though it totally contradicts her original statement.) You do everything for them by your own admission!! Your job as mother to teens is to give them the freedom to fail---all by themselves. You worked out a fabulous arrangment for them, and they blew it off. Who is not learning anything here? They certainly have learned that you'll take the reins and get the job done---"taxi, restaurant, chauffer, bank, housekeeper, and wage-earner". (Will you come and live with me instead? I'll give you a better deal, and your own room. We can call it "the maid's quarters.") They don't respect you because you allow yourself to be used--- not really anything to respect about that. Teachers and Dad apparently won't let themselves be used as a doormat. When you stop, they will.

Why don't you try to let them be more responsible for themselves? Why did you think it was your responsibility to get them a volunteer opportunity? It seems to me like you are doing way too much for them and have done just that. I bet you their Dad didn't even consider doing that for them and gives them more opportunities to be independent.

At one point there were 6 teen agers in my house.

I just figured the goal is to get them to independence before they go off to college. Part of that means they have to accept resonsibility for their actions or inaction. By the time teens in my house reach 16, they are capable of doing the entire cooking, cleaning, shopping and some scheduling. I expect them to be respectful of my time and the time of others. If they forgot something I don't automatically bring it to them. I first consider if it fits into my schedule because it is usually due to carelessness they have left something behind. I let the suffer the consequences. They learn more from their mistakes than my fixing up the mess they have made.

I now have four teens in the house but one is so close to grown we can taste it (she just turned 18 and got her State issued ID). The three boys are 17, 16 and 14. The 14 year old is my step son and there is much work to be done there but by the time he is 16 he will be much more independent than he is right now and that is how it should be.

I encourage you to make a change in the expectations of your household. Expect your kids to have more consideration of others and when they don't let them experience the consequences. Unfortunately we as mom's hate to see our kids fail but it is a requirement for their growth and development. The will fall and fail often but the success comes with how they get up and move forward after a failure or falling down. Hang in there but you will need to change to get the desired change.

I have come to believe that THE most critical component of education is character formation. Even teens still need work in that area. Don't expect them to be grateful because you are making them (or trying to make them) do something that is good for them. The gratitude will not come until YEARS down the road.

I would also suggest that you might need better boundaries with your kids. This is very difficult for moms sometimes.

Good luck to you guys - hang in there.

The selfishness is normal teenage behavior! They are teenagers not adults. They have to learn how to fit the stuff they want to do with the stuff they have to do. They learn this lesson faster if they learn the consequences of their behavior. Why are you setting them up with cool service hours? That's their job. They are disrespectful. Call them on their behavior and don't take them to wherever they wanted to go. It's sounds like you have good kids who are being typical teenagers. Doesn't mean you don't do things to correct the behavior, just means you understand it's normal. Like the 2 year old having a temper tantrum. By the way you are the safest, so you get the brunt of the bad behavior. Fun huh?

Your kids are driving you nuts because you let them. When I was young I dreamed of having a parent or aunot or uncle pick me up and take me to school in the rain. Sorry it didn't happen and I went walking in the blowing cold and wet and whatever.

The kids "know" mom will do it so why should I? Stop. Live your life. Do for you. Let the chips fall where they may and let them learn what it means to be an adult and be responsible for their actions! Are you going to do this when they go to school and work? The professors and the boss won't let you in the door and if need be will put them out of the building for having a hovering parent.

Take the time and money you have been investing in the unthankful kids and go on a vacation alone (hubby and you).

Yes life is hard but it will be harder because they have not learned how to cope with their choices. The sooner they learn it the better everyone will be at your home. Don't nag them about anything. If they don't get into college that is on them not on you. Right now they feel like the world owes them everything but they owe the world. No more setting up community anythings for them - it's their life(s) and their consequences. A bit of tough love here.

My best to you in the future. Now where is that bubble bath or spa you were going to? Enjoy it.

The other S.

No where! Outside looking in it sounds like you did everything according to your family's expectation. YOU GO GURL! I know the feeling though I bent over backwards for my oldest daughter for her to turn it around and use it against me, that devastated me but i am soo over it now. They receive good grades awsome! ...like we explain to our younger 2 the good grades are not for us they are for you! We do everything to improve the quality of our childrens lives for them to Go out into the city(my little saying) and LIVE, LOVE.....But that oldest 1 whew! pray for us!!!!! I am confident that even they will remember what we have done when they are older and one day you will get that big THANK YOU MOM I SEE & CAN FEEL WHAT YOU DID! What for it! What for it! What for it! LOL!

Wow, M., it sure doesn't sound to me like you've gone very wrong. Maybe a slight adjustment in perspective will help you feel less nuts:

Your kids are outstanding students. National Honor Scholars. Never in trouble. Kudos! You've helped get them there!

The teen years almost require "idiot things like this [to] come flying out of nowhere," at least once in awhile. It's an absolutely critical part of the learning process. If there was anything "wrong" with your arranging the "sweet deal" for the community service, it was only that YOU arranged it, and your kids didn't choose that goal and go after it. UNarranging it is a most logical and reasonable consequence. Let your kids work out their own community service projects – that's an essential part of the process that most kids have to do, right?

If you feel your kids aren't appreciating you, I hope you'll read the most brilliant little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The authors show you how to get the respect you need, while treating your kids with the respect they need.

IT IS NOT YOU! We used to run a youth group. We took in the most troubled, abused kids. I thought they were this way from lack of upbringing.
Then we began working with the "good kids from good homes." They were every bit as lazy, selfish, clueless, and annoying as those from abusive homes. I could barely believe it.
Those who were required to help out on the family farms were capable of working hard on the farm, but it did not translate into all areas of their lives.
They are the best behaved kids, but they sit on their butts while elderly people serve them, clean up after them, and do everything for them. This generation thinks "Hey, if they are dumb enough to do all the work, let them!"