I'm Pregnant and Need Advice

Why do you think he got so mad the last time? Think that through before telling him, best done at the doctors office if you think he will go balistic again!

I think you should tell him sooner rather than later. He may be upset if you wait and he finds out you've known for a while. It takes two to make a baby whether you were using birth control or not and no birth control is 100% effective.

Sorry you are worried about telling him. I'd just give him the facts, you felt weird and took a pregnancy test and it was positive. You don't know how far along you are or anything.

Good luck!

Are you kidding me!

I can’t believe that you would not be on the same page as your husband when trying to actively conceive a child! Did he think you were on birth control?

Although I would like to say congratulations, I want to say SHAME ON YOU for not being honest! This is a team effort.

E.

D.,

When you said your husband is a good daddy, I was so confused! I thought, "how can he be a good daddy when he doesn't want you to get pregnant and he is isn't even a daddy yet?" Then you wrote that you already have two kids. That shocked me. He is already a dad of two and according to you, will be enraged when he finds out he will be a dad of three. What is one more, seriously? It is much easier to go from 2 kids to 3 kids, than going from no kids to one kid. Money is an issue for most people. I am very sad for you that you cannot fully experience your joy in another pregnancy because of your husband. Based on how you described your husband, it seems like there is no good way to break the news to him, I am sorry to say. He will be irate no matter how or when you tell him. I am sorry you have a husband like that. This is his fault, and here is why - since he is so strongly opposed to having another baby, HE should have had a vascectomy (with your permission, of course). He has no right to be upset about this since he never took the proper action to prevent another pregnancy. Hopefully you have good friends and family with whom you can share your joy. Best of luck!

How about a direct approach? You know guys, they like it that way. I would word it like, "honey, despite our efforts not to have another baby right now, it looks like we are expecting." Make it a "we" statement because, obviously, he helped make the baby too. I wouldn't wait too long, either. Just from what I know of men from my husband, he would want to know the truth right away. Besides, he has a right to know. Maybe he'L. be upset, but you gotta face it. Also, tell him you've been afraid to tell him because of his last reaction and the miscarriage. Best wishes to you.

"I am so thrilled. God has answered my prayers." This sentence struck me a little wierd even before I read the rest of it because of the "I" and "MY" parts - If you wanted a baby and he didn't, and you still got pregnant, there's a level of selfishness and a lack of communication and respect going on from your side.

But if you were not on birth control and your husband thought you were, that's SERIOUSLY bad relationship-wise and you BOTH have issues to deal with. If you were on birth control, and still got pregnant, than that's the way things go and you both have to deal with it.

Please get marriage counseling. You want this baby to grow up in a happy home, and you want to be pregnant in as low a stress environment as possible.

You two need to seek some marital counseling. This is a very unhealthy situation you are putting your new baby, your self, and your other children in. A marriage is not supposed to be an adversarial relationship - especially when it comes to something as incredibly important as having a baby.

I'm kinda wondering why you put yourself in the position to GET pregnant knowing how your husband feels about having another baby...

That's not a judgment call. I'm just saying that in most cases, if a baby isn't wanted by BOTH parents (and by your own admission, he doesn't want a baby), having a baby isn't going to "smooth things over" with him.

I understand that you see this baby as a blessing. And I understand that you're thrilled, but you aren't in this relationship alone. Your husband should have something to do in the decision making of having a child.

Honestly...if your fear is that it will cause WWIII in your house, I'd wait til after the 12 weeks is up...and THEN tell him. That way when he goes through the roof, at least you won't have as much fear of miscarrying.

Good luck to you. I wish you well.

OK, I will vent first and then offer some help.

If your husband is so dead set AGAINST having more children, then he should have gotten a vasectomy. Or, at the very least taken an ACTIVE roll in preventing pregnancy. A woman can't get pregnant alone.

Now that that is off my chest, now here's a (((hug))). You will need to be strong in the coming weeks. I suggest you wait until 6 to 7 weeks to tell him. I know after 2 you know you're pregnant, but like your previous miscarriage, you know that anything can happen. If possible, set your appointment with the OB GYN and go alone, that is to say, without your husband. Check to see that everything is there, the sack has formed properly and there's a heartbeat. After you've had this visual confirmation that the pregnancy is viable, ask a family member or friend to babysit the kids one night and tell him alone. That way, if there's an argument, the kids aren't around to hear it. After you've told him, expect anger and resentment. He might take the, "it's your fault you are pregnant, you knew I didn't want a 3rd child" route. I say try to refrain from arguing or contradicting. You've accepted what has happened and have known for a while, he's just received a shock and still needs to absorb everything. Leave it at that. I know you'll feel like you need to know he's on board right away, but give him some time to think about it and don't bring it up. I suspect when he's had a couple of days to digest, then you two can discuss the situation calmly.

Just understand that he may never "come around" and certainly don't tell him, "you'll warm up to it eventually", honestly that would be more fuel to the fire. He will probably think, after the previous miscarriage, that you've deliberatly tried to get pregnant. Think about seeing a trusted Pastor or Priest or family counselor, someone neutral that you two can talk about this. I know that's not what you want to believe, but you have to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

My situation was similar, except that I was the one that wasn't ready for the 3rd child. Our first 2 boys were just shy of 20 months apart and the 2nd son was a handful and then some. My husband wanted 3 kids, but I was not totally on board. I was sure that IF I wanted a 3rd, I wanted a bigger gap between #2 & 3. Well, we went on vacation, had that one time, and BAM, I came back pregnant. I had accepted it, knowing I was as much at fault by not actively using birth control, but it took me a few weeks, months even to really warm up to the idea. I think it was about the time I started feeling movement. Yeah, that long. My 3rd child ended up being born 21 months apart from her older brother. I got through it, but having 3 so close together was tough.

I wish you the best with this difficult situation.

K.
SAHM to 3 ages 7, 5 & 3

Oh I feel your concern. I was in the same situation recently. I have always wanted 4 kids. My hubby was done at 3. We never fought about it until a week before my birthday when he actually said there's no way I could convince him for a 4th kid anytime soon because of finances and such. Well, a week later I got pregnant. I knew when it happened and confirmed it with a test before Thanksgiving. I was like you, thrilled to be pregnant, terrified to tell him. So, I started keeping a journal just to get out the thoughts and sort out different ways to break it. I got pregnant on my birthday and his is in Dec. so I thought I'd wait and tell him on his bday. Well, I tried to hide it the best I could, but he noticed changes in my habits..ordering virgin drinks, refusing salt on my meals, eating weird foods (spoon of chocolate frosting dipped in a bag of popcorn) then my morning sickness kicked in and I tried to fake having the flu so he wouldn't know. I made it to his bday and told him over dinner with just the two of us. I started by telling him how afraid I was of his reaction and then dropped the bomb. To my surprise, He said he already knew and he was happy. I think because those subtle hints of my changes in habit got him to the point where he was ready to hear the news and it wasn't such a shock. I was RELIEVED!

Do you think Maybe your husband would respond to a subtle approach where he has time to absorb the idea in small doses so that when you confirm his suspcions and tell him, it's not so overwhelming to him?

I hope it works out well!

D., I'm not reading thirty some odd responses to see if this has been said already but if you are still reading, I hope you see beyond what you think is judgment to women who don't want to see you screw up what sounds like a good marriage by ignoring your husband's wishes.

I have three kids, I never got pregnant when I was not trying to get pregnant. Accidents do happen but if your birth control is so ineffective, you need to figure out how to rectify that matter. I think if you are honest with yourself you might admit that you were not trying that hard not to get pregnant and figured he would get over it.

Emotional upset will not cause a miscarriage if the baby is really viable. Tell your husband when you are ready but you need to talk about how many children you are going to have and frankly, if he doesn't want to have anymore he should have a procedure done.

He will love this third child but having become pregnant twice now when he wanted no more kids or at least not right now is disrespectful and it has likely created a problem with trust on his end.

Some of us who had less than stellar husbands or who have seen other people tank good marriages when one person won't let go of something the other person wants no part of, well, we may just be trying to knock some sense into you before you wind up a single mother of three.

Edit: Did go back and read a couple of responses and this I cannot believe. "When you said your husband is a good daddy, I was so confused! I thought, "how can he be a good daddy when he doesn't want you to get pregnant and he is isn't even a daddy yet?" Then you wrote that you already have two kids. That shocked me. He is already a dad of two and according to you, will be enraged when he finds out he will be a dad of three. What is one more, seriously? It is much easier to go from 2 kids to 3 kids, than going from no kids to one kid."

Are you kidding me? She got pregnant when he wanted no more kids. Once was an accident, twice, not so much. He should have a vasectomy if he really wants no other children but many men/boys are afraid of anything getting near their precious you know what. Again, if you are that fertile, you should be using two kinds of birth control at least or make sure you recognize things like antbiotics that render birth control ineffective.

I am sorry for the harsh responses...
I am pregnant with my third.. my husband is excited but was satisfied with two (finacial...) He does not want four, I told him to wait and see when this one is 2.
I get where you are coming from. When my 2nd turned 2 I told my husband I wanted to start trying... he was not thrilled.. but did. I don't know what I would have done if he said no... I'm not a submissive wife-
He has mentioned that he ws more excited with the first and less each one we have... (I am equally by all three)

I would give him the facts as you know them... "Honey I know we were using BC but I missed my period. I took a test, it says I'm pregnant. I'm sorry you did not want this, can we make it work?" etc He has to know you love him and you see him as an excellend father, husband, and providor... men need their ego boosted in situations like this....

Congrats... and good luck.

Telling him sooner than later is always a good idea. Nothing would make him madder knowing that you've known for weeks and didn't say anything. Express your feelings to him and be honest. In todays world, there's never a "good time" financially to have a baby, but you learn to adjust and rebudget and make things work. God wouldn't have blessed you with this gift if he didn't know 100% that you could handle everything that came with it. He never said the journey was easy, but always worth it!

I also got pregnant on birth control and I understand the confusion that goes along with that and the shock and the happiness and the fear! It's a scary time and the hormones definitely help, but I pray that all of you make it through unscathed!

WOW. I'm sorry people don't realize sometimes things aren't as black and white as they think. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I've been in your situation. I wanted another, my husband didn't think he did. We had a lot of issues with our first. Preemie, NICU, Torticollis, DOC Band, eye surgery, night terrors. He was really scared. The first half of my pregnancy was NOT fun. I also felt he would come around. I mean how could he not?? He ADORES our oldest. But I was also really mad that he wasn't there for me during my pregnancy. I didn't get pregnant behind his back. It was not planned on either of our parts. We weren't irresponsible. Without getting into details, sometimes it happens against the odds, because it's supposed to! This baby is my miracle and my angel. And yours will be too. You may have a very rocky road ahead of you and I'm sorry for that, but just pray, I mean REALLY pray, and you will get through it.

Good Luck!

There have been several responses to your post from mom's who are very supportive and helpful. That is what we want when we post a problem we are having. We want some comforting words or advice. It makes me so angry at the other moms who feel the need to be harsh, unkind, judgmental and downright mean in their responses. For God's sake, all you want is advice on how to tell your husband and what you should do right? My advice is to just tell him upfront and as lovingly as possible. Tell him your fears of how he might react and then let it go. At that point, you need to give him time and room to react however he wants. That is all you can do. I believe he will come around. You deserve to rejoice over this and you will. Just focus on the future. Good luck and CONGRATS!!

I am so sorry you are being judged. I was afraid that would happen when I read your email. My husband and I were in the same situation. We had 2 beautiful children, but I always wanted one more. I didn't feel like I a had 'run the marathon'. My husband had a daughter from a previous marriage, so with 3 girls, he just didn't feel we needed any more. After the birth of my second child, I breastfed for a year, and then just really didn't want to start taking the pill again. I had been off of it for several years and we really had to try for number 2, so I just didn't think it would happen. When I found out I was pregnant (my kids were 9 and 5), I was beyond excited. But, I had no idea how my older husband would react. I was worried he might even bring up the "a" word. I waited 3 days. He was shocked, but came around. And then when we delivered, we found out it was a BOY! God definitely had a plan. I guess my point is, there is a reason for this baby. You all might not know what the plan is right now, but you are meant to have this baby together. Please hang in there, and don't get defensive when you tell him. And try not to take his comments personally. You know he's not going to react in the way you'd like, but he will come around. He's got to, he has another child on the way. Plus, it does take two. He could have been using prevention if he felt sooo strongly. But, don't say that to him, it will just fuel him. HANG IN THERE!

Hi. Well, first of all, I don't think you should tell him right away. I would say, wait until you are through the first trimester to make sure the baby will make it this time. If he asks, don't lie. But don't offer the information either.

Secondly, I agree that it wasn't a good idea to think that "Well, he's a good daddy and he will be okay with this child too." Maybe he thought, "Well, she does so much with 2! I am sure she would never want 3!" I agree, you should honor your husband and show him respect by not making this decision by yourself. He should honor and respect you by listening to your feelings about having more kids. Which brings me to the question: have you two talked about this? If you have, and he's adamantly opposed, then getting pregnant was not such a good idea.

That said, he knows what creates a baby and if he thought you were not being truthful or responsible about your birth control methods, he should have either refrained from intercourse with you or gotten a vasectomy or worn a condom. So, that leads me to another question: are you being honest with him? Because if you're not, that's a bigger problem that having a baby will not solve. If anything, this may make it worse.

I think, you need to back up. Admit to your husband FIRST what you've done wrong (not honor his wishes about only 2 kids, not being responsible about birth control). Ask him to forgive you. (This doesn't mean he's without fault. I just think it's a bigger person who can admit their own faults first.) Then tell him how much you love him and how you want to work through any problems you have now, so that you can build a strong family together, as a team.

I would have this talk late at night, after the kids have gone to sleep, on a day when your husband has not been stressed by work. You need to pick a day when he's in a good mood so that he isn't already filled with pressure from other parts of the day.

I know this all sounds very 50's-wifey-ish, but there's a lot to be said about creating harmony in a marriage. Strong marriages come from two people who both are willing to compromise, and stop being so individual so that they can come together to be one. I hope you and your husband do make it through this.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be thrilled, but my husband would be pretty upset, too. He loves our kids and would like to have more, but money is an issue since I am a SAHM. I totally agree with him, but wouldn't be able to hide my happiness at being a mom to another precious baby. However, I don't understand the anger thing. There is no one to be angry with. You didn't plan it and it didn't just miraculously happen. Sometimes women get pregnant even though they take precautions not to. Maybe God just intended for you to have another baby. I would be nervous if I was in your shoes, but you have to tell him soon. I would try to find some alone time to speak with him and would let him know that you have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to be treated like you have. I would tell him how happy and blessed you feel even if he doesn't feel the same. Then I would leave him alone for as long as he needs to let him do whatever it is that men do when they shut down and retreat from us. This baby will be a blessing to all of you. You are just the only one who already sees that. Congratulations and good luck!!

Guys seem to feel so pressured to "provide" without realizing that many of us truly are happy with love and kids. I know I'd love to have a full brood, but my husband is just too uncomfortable - so we stopped at a total of four.

I like Lisa S. idea - they sometimes bluster so loudly they forget how sensitive we can be to their anger.

Good luck :)
S.

FWIW - my five year old was conceived on the pill with a condom after a vasectomy (and yes, it's his). My two year old was conceived on the pill.

Sometimes God just means for them to happen.

Is this request really a joke???? If not..........

YOU have put yourself in this tricky situation. You said that it is clear that he is happy with 2 children but you are "thrilled". He even recently mentioned again that he did not want more children.

A marriage is 2 people making important decisions TOGETHER. Having a baby is not a decision to be made by 1 spouse. I'm sorry but this is a very selfish decision on your part, if you deceived him.

To top that off, this is the 2nd time you have done this? SHAME on him for not taking control of birth control on his own after the first time you did this because you can't be trusted.

Does he think you are on birth control? If you have "tricked" him into fathering another child then you are wrong. If I were him, I would get myself snipped IF I intended to stay married to you.

I apologize for being so brutal. My mother wanted 2 children so badly that she tricked my dad and got pregnant again. They have been divorced over 30 yrs now.

That is just BAD. Good luck.

Greetings D.:

I'm sure you've gotten lots of advice thus far about how to tell your husband, but what about you? You need support to have healthy pregnancy and a healthly baby. If you are in need of some continuous support to make it through this emotionally challenging time for you and your husband, consider perhaps getting the services of a doula to ease some of your burden and allow you with the continuous support you need to have a physically and emotionally healthy pregnancy. Love and blessings to you and your family. You are in my prayers.

N. Lawson, MS, LSW, LCDCi
Birth Blessings Doula Services
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I know what you are going through. My husband and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant. Then we decided to wait a little longer because the timing wasn't right and we weren't financially ready. Well I ended up getting pregnant. When we found out he was so excited and I was the one upset. Then the next day it switched, I was really excited and he was really angry. He told me that the baby was a mistake and this is the worst thing that could ever happen. He said he wanted to get divorced and how much was this kid going to cost him. Blah, blah, blah. Well he got sent out of town for 2 months. And while he was gone he had time to let it sink in that he was going to be a Daddy. He called and told me how sorry he was being acting like he did and saying the things that he said. He told me that he was really happy we were going to having a baby. I guess sometimes it just takes men a little longer to let things set in. He'll come around. But you need to tell him. Good luck. I don't have anyways you could tell him. Sorry! But if he upset and angry, you know you didn't get pregnant on your own!

Goodness, I'm surprised by these responses. It takes TWO to get pregnant. If he didn't want to have another, then he should have used contraceptives! I would just tell him the news, let him have his time to adjust and then get on with it. I can't imagine how he could have expected a different outcome if he wasn't using any 'protection'. If you aren't actively trying NOT to get pregnant, then you ARE trying TO get pregnant...it's just how we are designed. Good luck to you. I would not feel even the least bit guilty unless, of course, there was deception on your part. I didn't get that from your question, though. Everyone knows how babies are made, it's not some big secret you kept from him.

I am sorry that some of the posters have been so harsh with you, I don't feel you deserve that at all. Things happen even when we are taking precautions.
I would tell him now. The longer you wait the more angry he will be that you kept it from him. Tell him that the pregnancy is as much of a surprise to you as it is to him. If you are that afraid to speak to him, then write him a letter sharing your surprise, excitement and love. Re-iterate what a wonderful father that you know he is and how blessed you will both be by this child. Also write in the letter that you were afraid of telling him face to face because of his reaction and the miscarriage the last time. He may not realize you are so frightened of his reaction. If he doesn't solve the anger issues, maybe counseling would help him and strengthen your marriage.
Good luck, {{hugs}}
L.

D.,
I don't know you or your husband. I know you are getting a lot of negative response. Maybe your husband and you do need to communicate better, however, that is a separate issue right now.
I would PRAY and I would wait a little longer before telling him. He might figure it out on his own too, especially with him not really wanting more kids. From what you have said, I think because he's the ONLY financial provider in the household right now, he's scared of the financial burden. That is a lot of pressure to him and most men, they want to take care of their families. He's probably looking at another bill he has to pay right now, not all the benefits of another child.

One last thing, before the baby is born, talk to your husband and the two of you agree on if you want more kids or not. Both state your reasons, communication is so important in the marriage.

God Bless YOU and Congratulations!

I just wanted to chime in on two points. I agree with the idea of writing a letter. I would add to give it to him when he can have some time alone - not on his way to work, or when your boys are going to want to play with him.
I strongly disagree with the suggestion of enlisting your boys to help tell him. I think that will appear manipulative, and make an uncomfortable situation worse.
My husband has anger issues (prior military), too. I understand living with a man who can blow up before calming down. I think the letter would help to shield you and the boys from his initial reaction.

I am sorry you have experienced some of the radical, opinionated mamas on here. Everyone has an opinion, and advice -and I know you are looking for support.

I would hope you and hubby can talk about anything and everything in your marriage - and unless you two had done something permenant about birth control (vasectomy, tubal etc.) - then now matter what you do for birth control - pregnancy is always a possibility.

Don't be afraid of your husband - approach him in love - this is something you created together. I wish you nothing but good!!! Best of luck!!

Hello D.

If no one has said it I would love to be the first to say it. CONGRATS!!!:) to you and your family. Its makes my heart sad to hear that other moms are judging you and your family. Its hard enough being a mom without the pressure from other moms to be the "Super Mom" type. I think you should get your children to help you tell your husband. That's just my option. I would let kids know that they are going to have another brother/sister and you guys want to surprise daddy with it but you need their help. I hope this help. And remember they only one that can and will judge you he is not on this site. Best of luck with the new baby.

Congrats! I am so happy you are thrilled!! You should be able to enjoy this new baby without feeling guilty, but we all know how that goes. Real quick, I think you should tell him sooner rather than later (at some point it becomes deception), I think you should not involve your other kids until he knows (he probably would not appreciate being "cornered" like that), and I wouldn't wait to see if this baby is going to miscarry or not, as I have read in some of the other posts (You have a partner in life - why should you have to live through something like that alone?)

I understand it is scary, but like everyone knows... he took part in creating this child too. I think knowing how he is probably going to react will help you deal with it. A letter is a good idea. Gently and purposefully stand your ground and don't let him "pin" this all on you. Let him vent and also let him know that you understand his fears about adding a baby with your current financial status. Then be true to yourself about your happiness and continue to enjoy it. You said yourself that he will eventually come around. Just get through this first part so that you don't live in fear and stress. You do not need to do this alone. It will get better!

Good Luck!
C.

Hi D.,
Im truly surprised to see all the responses when you didnt even say if you were on birth control or if he was using protection. Yes you are both adults and he can over react. I found out i was pregnant and it was a surprise to both my hubby and i. This was our first baby and he had just gotten laid off, it was hard and took us time to adjust... but if this baby was made with love it should be received with love. You guys need to sit down and talk, things arent easy specially with 3 kids soon, but you guys need to make an effort and work it out and understand that this new life is truly a blessing. If he gets angry, he should get over it, its a new life that BOTH of you created, wanting it or not at this time.
If it is something that you did knowing his feelings, well then you are going to have to deal with the problem the hard way because you brought it up knowingly, but from your request it doesnt sound like you did this selfishly. I truly wish you the best and good luck. I hope you guys work this out for the better.

It takes TWO to tango my dear!! Unless you lied and said you were on BC then he knew the possible outcome! If nothing was done to prevent this than what else could he expect to happen...there's only 2 outcomes here...either you get pregnant or you don't...If you were not dishonest, I TOTALLY DISAGREE w/the other posters...SHAME ON HIM for not taking precautions and not being supportive...We all know how this "system" works...you have 2 already, it should not be a shocker! Hopefully he will be more accepting of this than the last time, and may I add, WHAT A JERK for acting in such a manor and then you miscarried...was he even sorry?? Maybe you should consult you OBGYN before discussing w/your husband and see what he/she thinks is in you/baby's best interest!!! Good Luck!

I feel I should disclose up front that this is actually M.'s husband. I am sorry for all of the judgement from some other posters, it is not helpful. I do agree that you should tell him sooner than later and that you should definately let him know about your fear of his reaction. That being said, you need to do this WITHOUT suggesting any blame on him for the previous misscarriage. We all know, and I am sure he does too that the previous reaction MAY have been a factor, but can not be for certain that was the cause. I would bet he already feels some guilt, but would never admit it. I just had to respond because so many posts said to mention the fear and misscarriage and all I could think was it is going to sound as if he were being 100% blamed for it and no one can be sure of that. Even so there is no good to come from the blame game or adding guilt. Congratulations and I wish you the best.

I would wait a little to tell him. Maybe you could see the dr. first to see how preg. you are and if things look normal. I am sure he will slowly warm to the pregnancy. Things tend to work themselves out somehow. Good luck, I am sure it is hard when you are excited knowing your husband will not be. But, if he is a good daddy to the others he will be to this one too. Keep us posted.

I disagree with all the harsh posts. Sometimes I am amazed at some of the crazy posts up here and yours didn't even come close to deserving that. Just because you two are married does not mean that you are the one same page about everything. True, maybe you should be on this one, but who are we to judge you on that? You husband did not take the necessary steps to ensure that you would not get pregnant again. He had to have known that it was a possibility.

I would just explain to him that you are as suprised as he is (since that is the truth), especially since the timing is not the best. There is not really much that he can do. If he gets mad, he gets mad, but I am sure that he will get over it. If he really does not want this to happen again that he will make sure it doesn't. Best of luck to you and congratulations. This should be a happy time.

Kudos to you for standing up for yourself, girl! Although you should not have had to "defend" yourself to anyone. I hope those who were passing judgement instead of offering advice will re-read your update.

Boy can I relate to your fear! Our third was conceived while I was on the pill and after a vasectomy! LOL! I can laugh about it now, but I was absolutely terrified to tell my husband. We were struggling financially too, and one of our remedies was to downsize. We had just sold our huge 5 bedroom home with a pool and settled into a smaller 3 bedroom when...SURPRISE! Not to mention we had just GIVEN AWAY all of our big baby items: crib, stroller, car seat, etc...to my cousin who was in worse shape than we were financially. Anyway, although selling the bigger home had helped our finances somewhat we were still both working like dogs just to make ends meet. I knew my husband didn't want anymore kids because of the financial impact another baby would have. He reluctantly agreed to the second child so I knew a third was out of the question. I was sooo depressed at a time when I should have been elated!

But one night I finally worked up the courage to tell him...through tears. I think he saw the fear in my eyes and the loving man in him couldn't help but try to make me feel better. So his response was more excitement than anything. You could have knocked me over with a feather! I know that your husband is not likely to respond with excitement given his past performance, but I'm not sharing my story to make you feel bad. I'm sharing it because I want you to know that its going to be OK! I don't know your husband, but if he's the type of person who can put aside all of his fear and frustration and deal with "what is", then you don't have anything to worry about. If he's not that type of person, then maybe you can help him see that its not worth the anger or resentment or pain and suffering of another miscarriage. Because everything else aside, you're going to have baby! A beautiful, precious new member of the family. So my best advice is not to let anyone's reaction rain on your parade so to speak...including dad's. If he responds negatively, try not to take it personally...for your sake and your new baby's. Just try to remember that men have a strong need to provide. Similar to a woman's need to nurture. And likely that's what caused his last reaction. It had nothing to do with you or your unborn baby. I hope this all makes sense. I'm not very good at putting my thoughts in writing. ;)

As for us...Well, I'm sitting here as I type this listening to my now 1 year old babble and play with his two older brothers, and I can't help but feel like we are exactly where we're supposed to be. The boys adore there baby brother and he's completed our family on many different levels. Now I'm a stay at home mom. I don't think I would have had the courage to take that step without a little push if you know what I mean. We made it all work, and you guys will too! God bless you!

FIrst of all, you need to be honest with yourself. You seem to be playing the victim or martyr here. Clearly, on some level you wanted to be pregnant (God has answered my prayers) and it is very rare these days to get pregnant on BC - not impossible, but rare. After you can get truly honest with yourself about what's going on, I would say - go back to the statement that God has answered your prayers. If you really believe that and trust it then you should be able to believe and trust Him to answer your prayers about telling your husband, and about His ability to change your husband's heart. You are praying about that, I hope!

I think it is very dangerous and really unkind of you not to be more considerate of your husband. As others have said, it takes two to not only "tango," but to make a good marriage. Part of that means compromising our desires for the higher, better good of the marriage and the existing children. Regardless of how you feel about it, now your husband is going to feel very stressed, possibly tricked and trapped, and very unable to trust you in the most private and personal of areas - sex. I believe God is perfectly capable of changing your husband's heart - I hope He will also change yours - not from having children, because that is truly a gift from God and a calling for most women, but from the attitude that comes through your post, about your deception. You are a stay-at-home mom now: what if you had to leave your precious children during the day to work? Would you feel the same? That is the potential pressure you are putting on your husband! He may want/need/ask you to go back to work to help pay for these sweet little blessings. There is nothing wrong with working, don't get me wrong! But if your joy comes in not only having children but being home all day with them, be willing to give lots of respect and consideration to the man who makes that possible. And realize that his dreams and desires are just as valid as yours are. I think one way to assuage his worry is by being very remorseful (regardless of whether or not this was an accident) and by offering to go back to work as quickly as you can after the birth of this next child, to help relieve your husband of any financial strain he may feel, real or not. My sympathy here is more for your husband but I do wish you the best. It starts with honesty.

congrats but...

why provoke your husband to get angry at you? it takes two to tango but if your husband did not want children at this time, why not obey this request. why would you want to put yourself through another maddening experience.

I think you should just kinda spit it out too. Maybe like the one lady said, start out telling him about how your scared to tell him because of his last reaction. I also like the post about using "we". It will all work out, hon.

To play devil's advocate... I think people made assumptions because of the way you wrote your request. It did sound a little like maybe you were trying to get pregnant behind his back. I can't tell you exactly what made it have that tone to me but it did.

If your gonna put somehting out there you gotta make sure you explain it well and expect some negative comments. I think they are healthy to get actually. I personally would want all the angles that maybe I did not think of.

The best advice I can give to you is to pray about it asking God to show you how to tell him and also asking God to prepare his heart even now before he is given the news. I stopped and said a prayer for you. God will listen and help you through this if you will trust Him. He will also help you and your family financially if you put your full and complete trust in Him. Believe me, I kow about what God can do because of what He has done in my life. So please trust God and ask him to help you tell your husband. Remember God gave you this child and He will help you care for him/her.
Please let me know how things turn out. My email address is ____@____.com.