In-Laws Visit and Do Not Help!

Once I had to pull the "OK, but I cant' do anything" card with my in laws, and it was awesome, because the custom stuck. They were EXACTLY the same way. They came, wanted to be served 3 meals a day, never cleaned up after themselves, wanted to take their scheduled naps and walks and not be interrupted by the kids....only wanted to do things with one kid at a time, so I always had the others...etc. AND my husband would barely help because he was so busy hanging around socializing and drinking with his parents like he was also on "vacation".

Once they wanted to come right before I had a painting show and I was cramming to finish my painting in time. I COULD NOT have them visiting, and just had to hibernate and work, so I told them so. But they INSISTED because we were a stop along a big travel plan they had and wouldn't reschedule anything. So I told them and my husband straight up, "I cannot have guests right now. I cannot make any meals or do any cleaning, you have to pretend I'm not here. Sorry to be rude, but I will be in my studio with my door closed. If I had it my way, this visit would not be happening right now." I had the nerve to be that blunt because I was so mad at them for years of bad behavior and disregarding the fact that I said, "no" to the visit but they were still coming.

Guess what, they came, I stayed away from everyone and it worked out. I had to crack the whip with my husband about the kids, because he had full charge of them, but I reminded him what I had said, I could NOT participate. When he would say, "can you just watch" I'd say, "Nope, get a babysitter if none of you can handle the kids. I cannot help right now." Now they visit less, and they kept some of the habits from that visit, like more meals out, and they even got a motel once. I think their visit was too much work when I wasn't playing hostess, so they weren't in a hurry to come back, and they realized I don't like to wait on people (which I'm sure they hold against me but who cares).

So maybe you can come up with a reason you really cannot host, and stick to it even if they come. Otherwise, just cut them down to way less visits (5 per year??!!! I'd die!!!!) I don't know what's wrong with people, personally. If they can't behave, they don't get to come. Period.

Girl! I feel your pain. I think that if it is a financial burden for you to "host" these guests, you need to get that point across in a tactful way. I would just tell her that you love having her and enjoy the time (to sugar coat the next blow), but that you're living off of one income and just cannot afford to feed her entourage every night that they stay. Ask her to help out with the groceries. Actually your husband should be doing all of this talk, but if he's too chicken, you have to do it.

I have family from 2 sides that comes to "vacation" here every summer at our house. Each set stays anywhere from 10-14 days apiece. That's almost a MONTH out of my summer that I have to play host. It's never a "vacation" for me, since I'm always cooking/cleaning/making sure everyone is happy & entertained. I am drained. I have already gotten emails from them requesting to come down certain dates. UGH. Don't get me wrong, but a vacationing family members just don't get it that me and my husband aren't on the vacation mentality while they're here. He still has to work 40+ hours a week cause he doesn't want to take off too much time while they're here as he'd have no time for us to take our own vacation. They ask me constantly, "why isn't he home yet?". UGH!!!!!

I am seriously considering saying that it just won't work out for the extended stays this year. If they want to come for 5 days, ok, but I like to sign my kids up for camps/activities and we've had to miss out because "family" is here and expect the kids to be here. It kills me that I've allowed them to call the shots as to what I do during my summers. So I am stopping this year. Sometimes, people just don't realize how much work it is to host. You need to talk this over with your husband and make sure he's on board with you, or otherwise you'll be made out to be the bad guy. At least I stay home. If I worked all day and then had to come home to a messy house while company just sat on their butts, I'd be really ticked off.

Good luck!

Some people come to visit and expect to be treated as "company." I kind of understand an older person feeling like they are the guest and should be waited on, but it's not appropriate of her to bring additional guests and expect you to wait on them (esp when they are not "older") and it is very presumptuous given your finances to expect you to feed them. Maybe she does not know what you make and assumes that you are making a great salary because you can afford for your husband to stay home? A frank discussion may be in order, that as a busy working mom, you simply can't accommodate multiple guests for multiple days. Let her know she is welcome for a weekend. Let her know that she is not welcome to bring an adult "child" who expects to be waited on, children who make more work for you, or her sister with whom you are not close. She and sister may enjoy a "vacation" together but you should not be expected to provide that vacation by them treating your home like a hotel. I wouldn't expect family company to purchase meals, but since you are a lower income family, you may also need to let MIL know that you simply can't afford to feed her and a guest or two whom she has invited to your home. You say that she is kind, but if she truly was, she would not treat you as a servant and your home like a hotel with free food. I'm wondering what your husband thinks of this situation? You really need to do something about it before it adds stress to your happy marriage.

Have you talked with your in-laws to ask them to help? If not, I suggest that would be the first step. Ask each one to do something specific. After dinner, ask your mil to help with the dishes. Ask someone else to clear the table or set it. If they're there for a few days remind them to put away their used dishes and food. Be friendly but firm.

How old are you kids? I don't understand why she wouldn't play with them. You probably need to ask her to do certain things if your kids are babies.

Perhaps she doesn't want to overstep boundaries. Let her know what you want so that she doesn't have to be so careful to not offend.

Dear T.,
I first want to share that I understand your frustration, I am sorry that you are left feeling used/drained "sucked dry" I bet ha?
This is what I would like for you to hear....the relationships we have were designed by us. Now T...I promise you that is the good and the bad news. If you would like to experience this relationship in a more empowering way then you have the key. You can have an authentic conversation with your husband and MIL and follow these steps..ready? Cause I want to help
1. First appreciate them both, for who they are in your life. Her gentleness, her laughter etc.
2. Then share with them that there are some things you'd like to share with them and ask for their "ok" and then request that they not interrupt while you are speaking.
3. Then explain to them how you have been feeling "authentically" you get to be honest here. Try not to Blame them...simply talk about the experience you are having
4. Then share in detail the experience you would like to have when she is visiting....be sure to not make it all about "doingness" help with laundry etc.
You'll want to include the experiences you'd like to be having with her...maybe it's going to a flea market with her or simply sharing a cup of tea together sharing wisdom, old stories etc.

Once you have spoken open the space up for them to share with you as well....be ready to hear what they have to say as well...and be wiling to maybe change somethings "about yourself" as well.

Thank them for listening...and let go of the anger and replace it with a willingness to create the extended family experience you are wanting.

And T. if this doesn't work, then I would lower your expectations and maybe the family visits. But the first will be more empowering for you as a woman...you can actually try this in all of your relationships as a way to communicate with clarity and cause a specific result. I have taught it to many women and it works...most of the time anyway :)

With love and friendship and a high respect for our journey as women, N.

Can your husband say, hey mom, you're cooking Thursday night. Let me know what ingredients you need. Or, hey, mom, here is a list of groceries to get for the next night's dinner. Can you run out and pick them up while I'm doing x with the kids? Thanks so much for helping! Or he can say, hey, mom, can you please empty the dishwasher for me while I get dinner started. And then when you are done I need a salad made up for tonight. THANKS mom! I guess someone needs to tell her what to do. He can put the other family members to work too. Try it!

Didn't read the other answers, so sorry if I repeat. They are guests, and not all guests, even faimily guests, expect to help out or contribute when they are guests. If your expectations are different, you will be upset. If you want things to change, talk to your hubby and have him ask. They are his family and he should take the lead on this. Enjoy what you love about them, but maybe you need to shorten the visits cause you guys have your own lives and you have to take care of your family first.

OK, you've had your vent. There are indeed people who do not think of helping. Most of them are not related to you and would never think of coming to your house. Isn't that a nice thought? But with folks like that, either you can feel walked on or you can face the facts.

Next time your MIL says she's coming with an entourage, you will have thought ahead: "Oh, we'll be very glad to see you! It's going to be quite a week, and since there will be eight of us for supper every night instead of four, would you mind bringing enough..... for the meals?" (Insert something that won't spoil on a three-hour trip.)

When she is at your home for a few days, you will have thought ahead: "May I ask you to get the napkins out of that drawer and put them around the table? Susie can show you where they are." "Jake wants to show you the drawings he made for the school art show." "Since you know where the napkins are, would you be in charge of them again this morning?" "How are you at story-telling or book-reading? Susie and Jake would adore it if their Grandma read to them tonight." "When Fred goes to the grocery tomorrow, maybe you'd like to go along. You and Fred and Susie could have fun together getting the food." This kind of planning, this cheerful undercover direction, helps get your guests in motion, but you're not bossing them around.

The best-case scenario (and, of course, I don't know your relatives, so this is all in my head!) is that perhaps your MIL is used to doing everything herself when guests come to her house, and thus doesn't automatically think of helping when she goes into someone else's house. In addition, believe it or not, some people are a little uncomfortable asking to help, because they believe it might imply that their hostess is incompetent. They need cues.

So you'll have to keep requesting, but you'll be doing it intelligently and with forethought. You can decide whether you want your attitude about this task to be gracious or ungracious.

My daughterin-in-law is like this. When we go to the house I usually try to do things so that I don't inconvenience her. She was brought up where when you are a guest you are a guest. It's nice but I don't like someone waiting on me hand and foot. I usually bring things to do to keep me occupied and busy. If dinner is to be done or started I will start it.

I guess the many years of being a military family and moving around and visiting has made me see this. We had a friend that was active duty and we would go and visit her. When she got home dinner was waiting for her and she enjoyed someone else doing the cooking. We would try to leave the home better than when we arrived and would make sure it was tidied up.

My own MIL did this to me. She laid around on the sofa for a few days. I suggested that if she felt ill that we would take her to the county hospital and get her checked out. Well she got better real quick because I was not going to play maid. I didn't appreciate her laying around and doing nothing. It was bad enough I took a week off from work to be around but the second week I went back to work and left them by themselves. Hubby was active duty and had to go to work. Needless to say that was the only time she stayed with us.

Speak to hubby and let him know your feelings and stick to them. They are his parents and he should speak to them about it.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

What ever room in your house they usually stay in, make it into a playroom for the kids, then have her and her other guests stay in a hotel.
They are responsible for finding breakfast and lunch on their own (restaurants) and then they can come over for dinner and a few hours of socializing in the evening.
Everyone gets their own space (and breathing room).
It's kind of a pointless visit if they come to see you and won't play with the kids and expect to be waited on hand and foot.
If she's insulted and no longer comes, problem solved.
If she still comes then you've limited some of the annoyance and they are footing some of their own mini vacation bill instead of it being all on you.

Well, they are guests and they may not want to overstep. That said, of course guests should offer to help - even if that is just setting the table or helping clean up after dinner.

I know this is difficult for some, and there are ways to do it and ways not to do it, but what about asking for what you need? As you prepare dinner ask your MIL, would you mind doing the dishes tonight, I'm really tired? Any ways both my MIL and mother work their fingers to the bone when they come over. I am so blessed. Sorry yours does not remember how hard it is with kids.

so annoying. Best thing is to make lemonaid out of lemons. Cooking on the cheap. crock pot meals, pasta, pancakes, bisquets and gravy, hamburger helper. Also ask her to take over breakfast (cost , cooking and cleaning ) while she is there. Its easier to make friends and have people help you than it is to be angery and frustraited with bad behavior. Approach her in a friendly joining you way " Bonnie (i named her bonnie) I am making dinner come lend a hand and we can have some girl time too" She might be avoiding the "help" part of the visit because she dosent want to take charge or take over. I hate when my own parents come over and "help" they usually leave with the entire house upside down and things pulled out of the closets! Sometimes "helping" is worse than not helping!!

Ha, welcome to my club! :) My inlaws are "on vacation" when they come over and expect for meals and entertainment to be figured out. They never go anywhere, they stay homebound and go EVERYWHERE with me! My FIL is ridiculous doesn't lift a single finger the entire time! My whole attitude changes when they're around, because I get mine for 10+ days at a time because they're far away...too stinking long to have someone "on vacation" in your house. My husband is at work the entire time and wonders why I'm such a grouch when he gets home :)

Good luck to you!

This would drive me crazy. Why in the hell would you want your in-laws to come and visit if they cause MORE work for you on top of a full time job outside of the home. Since your DH is a SAHD, he really needs to be stepping up and either talking to them or picking up the slack when they visit. It should NOT all fall to you.

Without a discussion, just guide them along. Sometimes people don't realize they should help. Or they figure they made their way to visit, they don't understand. Believe me, it is really easier on me when someone visits me than vice/versa. I am not changing much about my life then. However, yes it is annoying with no help. so hand them a plate as they stand up, or the salt and pepper shaker and say can you take this to the kitchen please? would you mind putting one plate in the dishwasher (if you have one haha). Or will you take these towels and fold them? Oh, there are some plastic baggies in there will you put the lettuce in them and put them in the fridge? Does it work all the time, not for sure I just learned it definitely works part of the time and we don't feel as resentful.

It can be hard at times to speak your mind for fear of how they will take it but then you hit a wall and yell. I would tell your husband before they arrive that you expect him to back you up and help clean up. If he does not then then just leave the dishes sitting on the table over night they will get the hint. Also when next meal comes I'd say to your husband what no I cant cook anything etc because the mess from earlier is still there. Also do not keep a lot of food in the house.

well, they have a different expectation of what 'guest' means than you do. i like yours better (i too get very frustrated at guests who expect me to be a maid) but only you know whether or not this is something that could be fixed with a discussion.
if not, then you need to take charge of the term of your indentured servitude here. best case scenario, your husband talks to your MIL beforehand and courteously informs them of what needs to happen when they visit, ie they help with dishes, pick up after themselves, chip in on some shopping. if this is too uncomfortable, you must limit the term of their stay and/or limit the number of people she brings. if it's just her, a few nights might be okay. if she's bringing an entourage, you must be very firm that you only have one night available to host them.
they're not going to set the boundaries, and it seems to be too uncomfortable for your husband. so it's up to you. just be kind.
but firm.
not much you can do about the non-stop 'visitin' on the couch. but you CAN stick your husband with that part of it!<G>
good luck.
:) khairete
S.

that is family.. I think you have to deal with it.. so the kids can see grandma. our grandparents come to visit 1 time a year. they engage the kids on day one of the visit and the last day for a few minutes.. other than that they sit on the couch and watch TV.

I just accept it.. the kids love them.

Updated

that is family.. I think you have to deal with it.. so the kids can see grandma. our grandparents come to visit 1 time a year. they engage the kids on day one of the visit and the last day for a few minutes.. other than that they sit on the couch and watch TV.

I just accept it.. the kids love them.

Talk it over with your husband & the next time they want to come visit kindly & directly say we don't have the time or money for one of "your" visits. Don't lie just say it like it is with love. Make sure you & your husband are united & on the same page.