Roadtrip & In-laws Visit

My husband and I have a rule. When it is an issue with his family, he has to deal with it and when it is my family, I deal with it. Now, I know how you feel. When my in laws visit, they do nothing and that includes carry their plate to the sink and I have a 4 and 2 year old to deal with. I have stopped cooking myself to death, so we eat sandwiches and crockpot meals for most meals. I will cook one good meal, but it really isnt appreciated and I do it for my husband and sons. When we visit there, I am not expected to cook, but I am expected to do everything else, which I dont mind, but it seems strange that they expect it there, but not at my home. My husband now helps, because he sees his parent's behavior. He says it is their age and the time they grew up in. Thankfully, I dont see them often because visits cause a lot of stress for everyone. They just have a different mind set.

Hmmm, how about making a meal plan before you go - let your in-laws know that you are uber busy with both children, but still want to *contribute*. Offer to cook, say, two nights - then only cook (or order in take out) on those two nights. Make sure to clean up after yourself - laundry, dishes, whatever, and just don't do everyone's chores. You don't have to play housekeeper while you are there. Keep up with your family's things and space, and let everything else not be your concern.

Honestly, helping out and pitching in is a good thing. Being taken advantage of? Not so much. Just because you are at their house doesn't mean they get a stay-cation from their normal responsibilities.

Smile continually, put the baby in a stroller, take the 6 year old by the hand and go for walk when they start talking about house work. If they are still talking about it when you get back, announce that is it nap time, and disappear.

Happy house hunting - that part will be fun.

God Bless

Tell your hubby firmly that if you stay at your in-laws, then you will not play house-keeper. Its your MIL's home, and she has to be the one to take charge. You will only 'pitch-in' as and when you can. And more importantly, that your DH should stand up for you if the situation turns otherwise.
If your MIL still doesn't take a hint or expects you to work, then I'd say Lesley B.'s advice about taking off yourself and kids for a walk is an excellent idea! :)

---Updated---
Btw, did you just say you are going to do house-hunting? Then I hope you'd tell DH that your MIL is not invited to go hunting with you, and that only you both will decide which houses you like. :P That you'll tell the family after you both have made your final decision.. :) - ie., if you haven't already decided otherwise.. :))
<devilish grin>!! :))

I think it is so ridiculous that his family expects you to cook all the meals for all of them at HER house. Are you kidding me??

Maybe I am old fashioned, but whenever people to come over to my house and stay, I always cook the meals, clean up the house, and the daily whatevers. Its my house, why should a guest have to do it? I dont mind help, but to expect them to do their own things AND my mine is absurd. Plus, I dont like people putting things in the wrong places and messing with my things, lol, maybe I am a little particular but still.

I would have a talk with your husband and tell him that you are going to need him to back you up and help his mother out so that you dont have to. You have 2 kids you will be taking care. So if she asks you to do something, then your hubby needs to say, no mom its okay I got it and let you be.

That is just rude of her to act that way, you are guests in her home.

Your husband needs to be the point person in this - it's his mom. Tell him how you'd like the visit to be so you're on the same page, and then he can plan it with his parents. Maybe establishing expectations would help. Besides, with 2 kids, just because you're in a tiny town, doesn't mean you won't be doing stuff with your kids. You CAN'T do her stuff to, and should be expected to.

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I would simply tell them your concerns. Rather I would have Hubby, their son, tell them your concerns. If BIL and kids are there, I would ask who cooks and cleans for them when you aren't there. If its MIL, then MIL can still do it.

Look at what you have done in the past. You may have indicated by your words or actions that you wanted to do those things for your MIL. She may have been just letting you "do your thing" and left those chores to you. Don't hold it against her.

You can always take up a collection and buy dinner.

Good luck to you and yours.

let your husband read this forum & let him be responsible for his family....the cooking, the cleaning, etc. !! Just saying....

Stay in a hotel and eat out.

I'm glad you referred to it as a road trip and not a vacation. That's terrible that you go to their house and become their maid and personal chef. When I go to my mom's house we either eat out or she cooks. The same thing goes on at my inlaws. I can offer to help wash dishes and clean up, but I'm not preparing everything. I don't even feel comfortable going through my father-in-law's refrigerator. Now, you have an infant to care for too. You can't be their servant. What's this about cooking for your BIL and his kids? Do they all treat you like a servant? What would they do if your DH went with the kids without you? Who would cook and clean then? As for them coming to your house, you should entertain them while they are in your home. If you are sick, they should be kind enough to offer help. Don't tell your MIL anything. Just sit and wait quietly until she initiates meal prep. Or mention to your husband that you and the kids are hungry. If he tells you to cook, hand him the baby. If he doesn't want to take care of the baby, he better get in the kitchen or order take out. Stand your ground. It sounds like everyone else does.

Dear A.,

That is not right. I think you should definitely make your bed, pick up after your family, help setting the table or the dishes, but cooking and cleaning like you are their maid? Not! If your husband hasn't told him or won't tell them, I wouldn't stay at their house. Stay in a hotel. If that's not an option, visit for a few hours and then leave. If you must stay, then stick to your guns taking care of your family, and as far as meals bring a cooler with sandwich stuff and drinks and feed you family, go on picnics, etc. Personally, I believe when people come visit you, you are supposed to be their host. Guests helping out is appreaciated, but they are the guests. Best wishes and God bless!

If you or your man can't speak with is parents in advance and have a clear understanding, stay in a hotel, eat out and let them know if you can't afford to pay the bill for everyone (especially your husband's brother).

If all else fails, stay home or take a family trip with just your husband and kids. Invite his parents out for their usual.

Blessings.....

I agree with what others have been saying, but just had to reply because good grief, your in-laws sound terribly RUDE! There's absolutely no excuse for expecting you to cook and clean for them while you're a guest in their home. I hope you don't accept that behavior ever again!

It sounds like your in-laws just don't know or care to be good hosts when they have guests, and you're the type of person that just picks up the slack to git'r done! Good for you. But if you want to suddenly change the ways things are, it's up to your husband to have the talk with his mother. Is there an SIL? If you have a good relationship you can probably approach her about coordinating preparation of the next big family meal. Of couse what might be fun is to just do nothing and see what happens! Talk about passive-aggressive!

If you want help ask for it and don't do anything until you get it. I am like a notorious do -er. Well I have no kids and I am the handy one around the hosue, but I hurt my back 6 weeks ago. Now we have big things that need to be done, by my hubby never having been taught to and since I have let him won't do anything unless asked. ASK. Don't start dinner until someone else comes in the kitchen. Believe me, when it's 8pm and dinner still hasn't started that will light a fire under someone....Bring stuff to eat with you, so if no one helps at least you have something for your hubby and kids - Then maybe someone will get the hint! WE teach people how to treat us. Now is the time to change your ways so it will change theirs!!

As the others have said, I'd have your husband talk to them!! I can't imagine having guests and expecting them to clean my house and cook the meals!! Nevermind that you were pregnant. I'm appalled at your MIL for you!! Unless she is sick and you are there for the purpose of helping her, that's ridiculous. This time when you go, take care of your family and their messes and just ignore the rest! Good luck!

I would stay in a hotel if she expects you to cook for everyone in HER home....

Your husband should also speak up and tell HIS mother that it's HER home and SHE needs to do something and not expect HIS WIFE TO BE A MAID TO HER....

I know - it takes something to stand up - but really - HE NEEDS to. It's HIS family.

Ya gotta love In-laws! I don't know how long you've been married, but the earlier you set the record straight the better. Figure out what your ideal situation is, and have your husband talk to them about this - it is his parents. If they don't respect your wishes, then I hate to say it, but its time to choose a little between your in-laws and your sanity. You are not their child - you are a grown woman who is a guest in someone's home. If you don't like how it is going, you don't have to stay, or even go. Go to a hotel and get some peace, or when it comes time to make dinner just sit there - eventually someone else will make dinner, or they will be very hungry. I know its a bit agressive, but if they can't expect your wishes, they're going to learn that you are not a weak woman. If on this trip they can't respect you, refuse to go next time. Maybe they will learn.

It may be the simple answer, but just don't do it. Clean up your own mess, make your own bed, clean up after your kids, but that is all. When you, the hubs, and kiddos get hungry, if there is not a meal being prepared, just load up and head to the nearest restaurant...don't invite anyone with you since they might think it is an invitation for you to pay for thier meal. If you don't want to eat out every meal, stop by the grocery store and pick up sandwich stuff and eat at the park or school playground. You can even prepare in advance by saying you are going to take the kids to the park to play, and then since it is close to lunch/dinner time you can go ahead and feed your family without including the rest of them.
The other thing I agree with is that it is his family, so he has to take charge when visiting them. Your husband is responsible for making sure you and the kids get something to eat, and he is responsible for making sure their house is left in order when you leave. You teach people how to treat you, so don't teach them to treat you as the maid.