I am at my wits end with my Inlaws! My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and have 2 children (4 years old daughter and 1 year old son). I have always had issues with how self centered and high maintenance my inlaws can be. They live 2 1/2 hours away, so I don't see them too often.....but when I do....grrrrr!! I could go on for days and past experiences, but I don't think I will need an expanation after this one.
We recently purchased a beautiful fixer-upper with a large pool in the backyard. Now, my inlaws hardly ever came up to see us, saying gas prices were too high (but always bothered us about putting 2 kids in the car to see them instead??) BUT NOW>>>>well, my FIL is a decent carpenter and retired, so my husband and he have been teaming up on soem odd jobs for the new house. Well, now my FIL thinks that since he helped on a few things that we owe him praise 24-7 and have to give him credit for how nice the house is coming out!! Mind you, I am a certified interior decorator and have put my heart and sould into making the place "ours". My MIL comes up with my FIL and says she will help out with the kids, etc so I can get work done/get caught up on things around the house. YAH RIGHT. She comes to IGNORE my children and swim in the pool and point out everything wrong with the new place. It is like they are trying to live thru us or something. Now they want to come up all the time since we have a pool or something. It is so annoying! Lats weekend they came and my MIL ignored my kids the whole time and only played with my 4 year old if it was in the pool. She would rather paint or soemthing. My husband told her he woudl rather she play with/watch the kids for us (which is why she said she was coming up) instead of painting. She ignored him. It's like they want to put their mark on our new home so they can put their 2 cents worth in and take credit for it. In the past, my hubby and I have kept a decent amount of distance from them because they are like this with his siblings. I truly was hoping this house would bring us closer by all of us working on it together. I 'm an idiot. They are all or nothing. I got NOTHING done all weeeknd because my MIL and FIL wouldn't watch the kiddos and actually, I ended up with more work after all the mess they left!
Bottom line is: My son's 1st B-day is coming. The house is not ready for company yet, but my inlaws are pushing for a party to celebrate. We want to postpone it, and also ban company from our house until we are ready and able to entertain. Do you think I am rude or out of line? A 1 year old does not know when his B-day is and having it a few weeks late (the party)shoudln't a be a huge deal, considering our situation. Of course, we will have cake, etc for him on "his day"...but party later. I sent out the word to my SIL and MIL today and KNOW htey are rolling eyes and think I am a S%&T for banning them from our home for awhile. My SIL has a daughter my daughters age and was hinting that she wants to come up soon too.......SIGH>>>>It's just too much right now! I want to uppack my home! Thanks for the advice!
OK, so here's the update! First of all....thank you all for the support and advice! I felt so petty writing about such a lame issue. ;) But, you all made me feel like I wasn't a whiner and you all really helped me out and gave me some excellent food for thought! I will keep you all posted on my "progress", but for now, here's the plan! I loved the advice about having the party elsewhere! The point being made about my Inlaws using us for the use of the pool was right on the money! I never saw it that way (duh), but when you all pointed things out to me, I brought all your comments to my hubby and he was impressed by the insight. The weekend resort is now closed for business!! :) Sometimes you need clarification on your feelings from an outside force!
Anyway, we are not only gonna postpone the party till October, but we are gonna have it at a resturaunt! We will celebrate my little guys b-day on his birthday with just "our family", and have cake, etc at home. I think it will be special and my daughter will love getting to help be involved as well, without the craziness of my MIL trying to take over! And, the added boot-in-the-behind to them, for being so rotten, is we are going to invite my SIL and her kids/hubby to stay over the night of the party (the live in the same town as my inlaws)and tell the inlaws that there's no room at the "inn"! They will have to go elsewhere (our cousin's). My hubby is VERY agreeable and said he will tell them himself. I feel so much better. As for the house situation, you all are right. I need to start being the woman of the house and not let my MIL think she is it when she comes. She and I have but heads before, and I am sure once I start laying it to her.....we will again. Not scared of that though. She is going to have to learn if she wants to get to my kids and hubby, she has to get to them thru me. In order to do that, she needs to get it together. Manners in tact, please!!! BUT, we are talking about the same woman who told me that when I gave birth to my 1st child, it was the worst experience of her life (Yes, I was trying to be nice and let her in the delivery room since her only daughter had c-sections....again, stupid me. Hindsight is a great thing). What a B!!! Guess she was traumatised by the natuaral childbirth experience?? Oh brother....
Anyway, the house will be settled (never finished, but settled!! As my designer friend will agree! HA! :) )soon enough and I feel good about avoiding them for awhile. I used to feel guilty about it because I wanted my kids to be close the their grandparents, but now, I'm not thinking it is such a healthy idea to have them around them. My daughter is crushed everytime they come, and last time they were here she was crying in her room after I got on her about acting up, and she said "I want grandma to play with me" I realised she was acting up to try to get some attention from Grandma. Grandma didn't care and said I need to "ignore that behavior". Well, then, that is what I will do.......Ignore Grandma. End Point, right ladies? Should have done it long a go!
You are all awesome....I'm sure I will have many entertaining tails of my Inlaw adventures in the future. It is sad that they can't just enjoy us and love us unconditionally....what a loss for the whole family. I truly resent them for it. My poor children are stuck with a-holes for grandparents. (My dad is decesed and my mom lives in Idaho....but is a great grandma to them, even from far away! Not that she is perfect. She at least tries...)
Thanks again .....!!!!! Until next time....
Girl I know how you feel.I LIVE with mine..
I have been married for 7 years and lived with them the WHOLE time..The mother in law treats my husband like he is still alittle kid and I am his maid..
The kids are even aggravated about it,the boys want me to divorce dad and move out..Now thats how I know its bad..
Trust me,you have it made in not seeing them EVERYDAY...
I don't think you are being rude or out of line at all. It seems to me, from what you wrote, that they could be looking at this party as a chance for them to come and enjoy your home and not enjoy your childs' birthday. I would postpone having the party on the day of his birthday and possibly be thinking of having the party at an other location like a park, or a place your child would enjoy at a later time.(when you get unpacked and are not so overwhelmed) That way all the attention would be on your child and his birthday, not the pool or your home.
Well, you certainly are not being rude! I go through the same sort of thing, because my mother-in-law has something negative to say about everything that comes out of my mouth. It sounds like you need to step up (which is what I did-and it worked to a degree) and let them know that they should respect you and your decisions while they are at your home--all the time respecting your husband (what does he think, by the way?). It is never easy to tell someone that they are bothering you but sometimes it is the only solution, or, you could just bear it and learn some techniques to deal with the stress.
I think you should postpone the party. If it is truly to make your son happy, how can he be when he senses you being stressed? Besides, if this is something important to you (for memories sake) you dont want to remember it as being stressful and hating your family for that.
Oh I know how you feel... my inlaws live in California and when they came to visit the last time, I never had such high blood pressure... Even my husband goes crazy ... I think just telling them your reason of why you want to postpone everything is a good reason.. they should respect that because it's your home...
Wow - sounds like you have your hands full. I can empathize, but unfortunately it's not my in-laws, it's my own mother. A couple of ideas: 1) are you close with your side of the family? Can the bat for you ("oh, we haven't seen my mother in so long, we're going to spend Timmy's birthday at her house. You're more than welcome to come along.") 2) Tell them that the house isn't ready and that you're going out to dinner to celebrate your son's birthday. I think the key to remember is that guilt is the name of the game, if they can dish it, be teflon and give it right back. This is your family, not theirs. This is YOUR house, not theirs. Maybe start making play dates for your kids or get a local teenager to watch the kids for a while. And sap it on to your MIL when the teenager comes in the middle of the day to watch your kids ("oh, no. I find that I'm more efficient when someone is watching the kids while I work.") She may be completely obtuse but she'll get that she's not helping at all. It may offend her, but then she'll stop coming and that seems to be a help in the long run.
Stick to your guns sister. Just because you have a pool does not mean the front door is a revolving one. You should set limits to when they come, how long they stay and what activities they participate in. Now with the painting MIL, can't tell you what to do except tell her that you are the one that will do the painting because you are trying to acheive a certain effect or specific tint. As a decorator you should be able to come up with something in that department. Shoot, tape a piece of fabric to a wall and tell her you are looking for just the right shade to go with it and haven't decided yet. next, in regards to the bday....McDonalds has great party packages and are affordable when you compare the cost to psychiatric interventions....lol. Really, I would not invite anyone to my home until it is ready. If FIL wants praise send him a damn greeting card in the mail, take out a small personal ad in the paper thanking him for his help or buy him a tshirt that says how thankful you are for his help. Then lock your front door, put a lock on the pool and don't answer your phone if you know they are calling.
Good luck.
L.
I feel for you! Maybe you could have the birthday party at a friends, relatives that are close by or McDonalds, Mr Gatti's, etc.. You have a lagitimate excuse to not have it at your house. If any one asks why you're not having it at home, beccause the house isn't ready for company. If they don't understand that, then they're not too supportive. If you have paint and other things laying around, it's not safe for children especially other peoples children. Take the stress off of yourself and have it at McDonalds where all you have to do is pay for it. My daughter does the parties for the McDonalds she works for and did my son's last birthday party. All the kids had fun.
At least is sounds like you have the support of your husband. That helps a lot. Maybe your FIL doesn't need to help anymore, unless your husband lays the law. As for you MIL, it sounds like special occasions are the only time you and your family really need to spend time with her. I don't know how you've done it for this long.
Good Luck! I hope I could help at least a little
M. B
Married, 4 kids, 17, 15, 11 & 5. Stay at home mom with MS and Fibromyalgia. I live in Converse, TX
You sound like you are probably like me... this stuff bothers you, yet at the same time you feel guilty for not having them visit...and probably more than anything you just wish you could all get along. I have problems with my own parents more than my in-laws, but occasionally have problems there too. I believe in the whole, distance makes the heart grow fonder thing. It's thier loss if they can't be respectful of you and your family. Whenever my family members do something that upsets me, I just distance myself from them. Like some of the others have said, I suddenly get busy, you know like I have weddings and showers and other kids parties and things to go to. You can't feel guilty about it. This is your family. And about the party... have it when and where is best for you. If you want to have it at your house at a later date, that is perfectly okay and don't worry about what they think or if they are rolling thier eyes. If they don't like it they don't have to come. =) You have to stand up for yourself. =) You sound like a sweetheart. Don't let them push you around.
L., First may I say you are NOT an idiot. That was called hope. Advice is not always the easiest to give or receive. Your one year old son does not realize the house is incomplete. We as parents put to much on the 'party' verses the child himself /herself will have. I have learned this recently with my own daughters. Since you have moved does your son have many friends yet? probably not like a 5 yr. old would have. I liked the advice gave to you to have the party elsewhere, this a great idea, if having anyone over to see your incomplete house is to stress. Do not postpone the child's birthday due to the house incomplete. Do you plan to have the house finished in a week or two ? or would it take longer than expected? I too am an Interior Designer and our houses are never complete. Know what I mean? Your son will not care where the party is, he is only one.
In laws well......my two cents would be to tell them thank you for all their help (yes MIL too - cause she probably believes she is helping) at this time you and your husband has got the rest under control and leave it at that. If FIL needs that much praise its not worth the stress, because children can feel this from parents and grandparents. One more thing years ago after flooding my parents came down to help us with our house and my husband who is a perfectionist (me too) told my Dad he didn't need his help anymore (because he wasn't doing things the way my husband preferred them) so they left and has not helped since. I know it upset them both. May I say this was 12 years ago and our home is still not complete.
I totally understand your problem! My MIL is a B*^(#. She never comes to see the kids and when she does, she has nothing good to say about anything. Try letting her know that you neither require or want her negative feed back on your new home. If she can't say something nice...then she shouldn't say anything. (Isn't that what we are taught as children?) Maybe you could try sending them out to the park or play area for awhile while you finish up some much needed house work?
I don't think you are wrong about the party either. No one wants to open their house up to visitors for a party when it isn't complete. Have the party elsewhere if you like or have it later like you intended. Bottom line is....it is YOUR family and YOUR home...Let them know how it is going to be and don't worry it they don't like it.
My mom has had to work this issue out as well. I will raise my children and fix my house MY WAY not hers. It is hard for them to let go, but they will.
Keep your chin up and be strong with your beliefs!
T.
caller id? surely they wont just drive for 2 hours not knowing if you are home? Make a pact with hubby to not answer for a while or be incredibly busy and need no help for awhile. ie- sorry i really cant talk right now-i am ____ and ____ has the kids, luv ya, bye!
as my late mother said many times to me while I was growing up, and especially after I got married: when you marry you form your own family. It comes before anyone else.
This is not always easy for me, but I have lived by it because I believe it to be the best for everyone. If you agree with this, then believe it and you will not feel guilty about telling anyone how you want to live your life.
Let your in-laws deal with their own---stuff---and just do what is best for you and YOUR family. I think that is what mature, healthy parents want for their adult kids, don't you?
Best wishes
I feel you on this one, girl. My MIL is a royal pain and as long as I tolerate her behavior she will continue to be this way. You have to speak up for yourself and your family when someone is stepping on your toes no matter if they are family or complete strangers. As young girls we are always taught to be nice, be sweet, be polite, but when we become adults and are faced with people like your in-laws we do what we were taught, grin and bear it. My MIL drove me to have a near nervous breakdown and I went to a therapist who told me to start telling her "NO!". Females are natural "pleasers", but at some point in your life you have to learn to say "NO, I don't want to, I don't like that." or even "I don't like you." After 6 years of letting my MIL treat me like a door mat I finally told her how I felt and she was upset for awhile, but she got over it and treats me with respect now. Every now and then she regresses and tries to play the passive aggressive game with me in the form of backhanded compliments and so forth, but I quickly recognize it and bring it to her attention.
Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us and this is true. Teach them to treat you and your husband with respect and they will. At the very least, if they never come back over you will never have to worry...LOL
Stick to your instincts! I just bought a new house and made it a point to let everyone know how much I enjoy my own space before we moved into it. My family respects my space and NEVER comes over uninvited! My husbands family has a bad tendency to pop over unannounced and I absolutely HATE it. It is not often, but I just think it is rude to come to someone's home without calling first. They are pretty good about recogniing when it is a bad time and leave in a decent amount of time, but all that could be avoided if they called first! Put up an iron gate with a call box if you have to! Who cares what they think, it is your home.
