Need Advice! My MIL Wants to Have a Second Birthday Party for My Son.

I would just tell her that you have other plans for that day and you won't have time to make the party she was hoping to plan. If she gets upset, just let her know that you're there for a wedding, you have already planned a birthday party, and if she can't make it, you're sorry, but you can't change everything else around to accommodate her this time.

Just tell her that one party is all you can manage in one weekend, especially with everything else going on, that you will miss them, but you understand if they can't make it.

I would tell MIL that while you are disappointed that they can't attend the party, you understand that they can't make it. Tell her you appreciate that she wants to throw a party but tell her that with all the already scheduled activities and a party the day before it would just be too much. Tell her that if she wants to have a small cake w/ lunch or dinner (whatever meal you may be having with her while there) that is fine but must decline a 2nd party.

**Gramma G...she is having a party for her son. Both sides of the family are invited. For whatever reason her MIL said she won't be there but that is NOT the same as hubby's family being exlcuded. Did you note the part about the shower? It would seem that MIL wants to be in control so by not participating she gets to have her own party that she's in charge of.

If you are staying with them, I would just tell them they can give you son his presents when you are there (without a "party") and that its already an event filled trip and you can't squeeze in another party...sorry. You simply just say NO and do NOT feel guilty about it and make sure hubs is on board too in case they turn around and try to get HIM to agree. Good luck! (p.s. and next time stay with other relatives) =)

Hold your ground. A child does not need multiple birthday parties. It gets to be too much. We have a lot of grandparents. 4 sets, due to divorce and remarriages on both sides. Sometimes one set of grandparents wants to do their own thing with our kids to celebrate their birthday in a more personal way, such as take them out shopping or to a play. I think that is fine. But I did tell them it was too much to have multiple parties, multiple cakes, etc. I did tell my relatives we will only have one family cake and candles, one "sing happy birthday" event. All are welcome to come when we have that family celebration, we are aren't going to overwhelm the child iwith more parties to appease the adults.

From your profile I learned your child is about 2 years old. So this will be his 3rd birthday party. I would visit great grandma and then drop the 3 year old off at your MIL's home and let her throw a birthday party for him.

You are better off attending a wedding without a three year old. They will be bored real quick and then that means problems with a fussy child that may even be suffering through the terrible twos. You won't be able to enjoy the wedding and neither will your child. AND if he really gets into something, neither will cousin that's getting married.

Leave him with your in-laws and have a care free time. If you really have a problem with a three year old having too many birthday parties, then you are letting your feelings for your in-laws get in the way of common sense. Your three year old will just have fun and so will your in-laws. If you don't approve of a three year old of having so much fun, then simply tell that to your parents and your in-laws. Tell them that two birthday parties are too much fun for your child. Next year your parents get to plan the birthday party and the year after that your in-laws get to host the party, etc.

When you get back home, you can tell your parents and your in-laws that no three year old should have so much fun and you want your child to have a dull, boring childhood.

Good luck to you and yours, and especially your child.

Uh, no. The next day is packed with activity, and you will make yourself crazy trying to accommodate them. His birthday party is on the day that you designated. Period.

I don't understand why you're offended. Your in-laws probably already have plans for the day you chose, and they don't owe you any explanation other than what they've already told you. They clearly are making an effort to see your son for his birthday and gave you an alternative date and time that would work for them that happens to not work for you.

Therefore, you tell them that you unfortunately already have plans made during the time they want to meet up for cake for a second "party" for your son and you can't change the plans, but you would be happy to try to figure another time out. If something can't be worked out before you leave, then suggest that they come to visit YOU in your home sooner than that weekend or the weekend following your visit.

Respectfully decline, with a smile and a hearty thank you, but no. That just sounds utterly ridiculous to me, it's a two year old's birthday party! I'm guessing this is their first grandchild? Even so, that's just weird, I've never heard of such a thing, and you don't want to set a precedent. It's YOUR child, you determine when and where the party happens, it should be what works best for your immediate family, not the extended relatives.

How weird. Just kindly thank them, but decline the offer and re-invite them to the party the day before. Sounds like they are used to getting their way and bulldozing through, but oh well. I would have refused the second baby shower thrown by them as well, but that's me. They sound rather immature. Good luck.

This sounds like a similar situation for my family. I hate that for some reason my in laws and my side of the family don't like to attend the same gatherings. The both think that they are imposing on one another is what it essentially came down to. I finally had to put my foot down over a situation during the holidays. I pretty much told everybody that I was hosting an event and everyone was invited. I can only host it once and that's it. If they want to come that's fine but I'm not throwing separate events for everyone that can't make it. One birthday party is stressful enough.

Since you will be staying with them why not just go out to dinner and have a small cake and gifts if they really want to do something for his birthday. No need to throw a huge party for him a second time. If dinner doesn't work because of the weekend how about just a breakfast. I would just offer the compromise and just tell them the truth. There is too much going on that weekend to throw 2 parties. If you can't attend the party we can do a nice meal with cake and gifts but two parties is too much.

Don't feel stressed over this! The 2nd party isn't even scheduled yet, therefore, you still have control over the situation.

I have always give out of town guest consideration when it comes to their schedule and what they are up to doing. I've had people fly in for a visit and just want to sit around all day, even with Nasa, Reliant Park and our museum district right down the road. So, try to adopt that attitude (politely) as you share (objectively) with your in-laws what you have time for and what you don't.

Don't be mad or get them mad, if you can help it. They obviously love your family and your kids to want to be with you...it just seems like they want it on their terms. Its conditional love, but try to see it as love nonetheless.

You respectfully DECLINE! You already have plans that day and you cannot do it. Do not bend to this pressure or will set a precedent. They are trying to bully the situation to fit their needs. If they are immature enough to attempt this knowing you have other stuff going on, you are in for this same type of thing in the future. Your husband needs to nip this in the bud right now.

Sorry you have to deal with this added pressure of what sounds like a whirlwind trip. I hope are able to enjoy yourself!

ok while i do understand feeling overscheduled, and I definately understand having a child that is off routine and over stimulated by all the craziness, AND I can even sympathize with having in laws that lilke to play games.

But I guess i don't know if your definition of a "party" is different than mine.

I can see the party with your family being a big one and taking some time,

But if it's just your mil, fil, you hubby and son, with some cake and presents, what's the big deal, It will be the same as having a meal with dessert and ds gets a bonus gift or two to play with when he's done.

we aren't talking chucky cheese with 20 other people are we.???

plus you are staying with them anyways. Did you not plan to be there for any evening/ or even lunch meals????
I can see if the day they picked is busy but at that point tell them you'll have to do it at a time of your choosing, but unless i misunderstood ,if you are staying with them and the party is JUST with them,
.........
then the only problem I see is that they don't like your family and are doing their best to still love you and your son, with out having to put up with your family.

That is a legit issue but in my mind that is a lil different than just trying to fit in two parties.

i don';t know I like to keep my groups of friends and family separate so maybe that's why it isnt' a huge deal to me.

To play devil's advocate for a bit...would they invite other people to the party that they want to host? Does your husband have siblings, nieces/nephews, grandparents or any other close relatives who are NOT invited to the party that you are planning, which I'm guessing includes not only your parents but your siblings, nieces/nephews and perhaps any of your grandparents who can travel? You are going to see your extended family at the wedding anyway - perhaps if the only family you invited from your IL's side are your MIL and FIL they feel like the rest of the family would like an opportunity to visit with you and your son? Maybe this isn't just about your MIL & FIL but the rest of your husband's family, who seem to not be on the agenda for this trip. Which its totally understandable as the trip is for a family wedding but by throwing in a birthday party it presents an opportunity for them to feel slighted.

In any case...your husband needs to figure out what the deal is. If it's anything like what I suggested, where he has siblings or close relatives who would like to see you, maybe a compromise can be made where you have dinner or brunch or something with other members of your husband's family if there is time slot available. If there isn't time, then he needs to decline the offer and stick to your schedule and promise more time with your side of the family on the next visit.

Of course what I suggested above would be totally moot if your husband doesn't have family other than his parents in the area but I know that if my sister and her family were in town for a big event for my BIL's side of the family and that included a small birthday party for one of her kids that was also predominantly with BIL's side of the family my parents would be pissed if they were the only ones invited and my sister didn't plan on any time with my siblings and our kids, our grandparents, etc.

Personally, I would think it a bit odd to have two birthday parties for a child. The child's birthday party is the child's birthday party. Either they can make it or not. If they can't make the party, they can still give him a gift (or gifts), but I'd just have the one "party". Are they going to throw him multiple parties every year? Have multiple Christmas dinners? Multiple graduation parties?
Of course not.

I would let your husband explain to them that there really isn't going to be time in the schedule to have another party, and that you (you and husband) really do not want to set the precedent of having two parties on your child's birthday. ONE actual "party" is it. If they want to take him to a play place or buy him a special dinner or any other "gift" that is fine (if the schedule allows time for it), but a "party" is a once a birthday thing, but thanks anyway.

The baby showers, I can see circumstances where that would be fine. Did your MIL invite all different people, or were the same guests invited to both?

Once you start this pattern, it will become harder and harder to break down the road. If you want one party (which is totally normal BTW), then don't start having 2 for each life event.

Now I totally agree with Dawn below - this needs to be addressed by your husband. Get to the root of the issue asap. If she is a control freak, then she needs to learn to let go. If it's because she wants her own family party, she really needs to get over it.

I don't see why it has to be a "party". You're staying with them, so why can't she just sing 'Happy Birthday' over breakfast one morning and present your child with her gift? I'd stick to my guns on this one with the one party, because I'm afraid if you have a 2nd one, it will be this way every year.

Good luck!

when you say she wants to have another birthday party does that mean a big party? or they want to celebrate with your son by themselves without a bunch of other family around? I would say no to the first but if they want to take him to the zoo or something to celebrate then I would say yes and let them sit him while you do all the other busy stuff you have planned lol.

sounds like there is more going on behind the scenes emotionally than we all know about. I would take a step back from the power struggle, breathe, and ask your MIL about what she had in mind rather than assume anything.

If the plan is too big, then you can express your gratitude and explain that simple is better because of wedding plans, visits, etc. and perhaps make an alternate suggestion like celebrating over pancake breakfast, etc.

edit: Just read skidsdad's suggestion about allowing the MIL to have the party while you are at the wedding. 2 birds with one stone. brilliant!! of course this wont work if you MIL is invited to the wedding or your 3yo is participating. It's a good reminder that there is always a graceful way to negotiate every situation with family.

You really do not know what their reason is, for not being able to attend the party you've planned with your family. So, do not judge them or their actions before you can ascertain that first. I'd first ask try to ask MIL why they can't attend the birthday party already planned.

Further, however illogical or weird their reasons and actions may be, they are still your son's grandparents. And their private decision is theirs to make. So, if they want a celebration of their own, let them have one.

Still, your agenda during this travel is your cousin's wedding. You are still accommodating your son's birthday and have it planned. So also feel free to tell her firmly, but politely, that you wouldn't be able to change your plans in the last minute to accommodate another party.

But try to offer her other alternate suggestions. I like 8kidsdad's idea. You could do that. Or, if you need your son to be a part of the wedding, then offer her if she could just make a small ice-cream party or such special time without you being involved (if you don't have the time)!

Be firm, but also remember to be gentle. They are still a part of your son's life!

You already have plans on the second day, so it's simply not possible. They have been included in your child's birthday party. If they are unable to attend, then they can have cupcakes and a candle with him before or after the wedding.

Is there a chance (just playing devil's advocate), though, that they are feeling a little slighted on the "invites"? If you are doing a "joint birthday" with "your family" and inviting only your MIL and FIL (no other family members) they may feel like "their family" would like to celebrate as well. You know them, I don't... but if we had a big party for our children and didn't invite my husband's siblings and their families my MIL would be hurt.

courteously decline the suggestion to have a 2nd party, clearly it's way too much to manage. but don't succumb to a host of unnecessary negative feelings. no need for your family to ascribe negative motivations. some folks just feel that more is a good thing.
khairete
S.

While I agree its an inconvenience for whatever reason your in-laws want to do things separately from your parents. I would just go along with it.

But I also would not hinder your plans that you had that day. Take your time at the wedding and visiting your grandmother. When and if you have time left then let them have their birthday party. (And make them realize that your son may be cranky or tired)

If he has more family than just his parents in that area and they are NOT included in your family's party then maybe that is why they want to have thier own and they should be able to. Also, not saying that you ARE doing this but its worth it to seriously and honestly ask yourself- "Am I including HIS family in our lives EXACTLY as much as my own??" Not really liking his family is no reason to not make sure thay are just as involved. I see that you have a son and would also like to put out there that in the same way that you will dearly hope to be included in his life when he is grown-this is how you should treat the inlaws because karma has a way of avenging our actions. I hate to see it when a family gravitates towards the wive's family, treating the husband's as an afterthought. Again-not saying you are but just something to think about.

Draw the line NOW. Trust me! You are setting the rules and allowing her to do everything on her own terms. Try this:

"Awww, that is a super nice offer, but there is just too much going on for us to try and fit that in. Feel free to come over and spend some special time with him during the week."

WOW, so much good advice already and almost everyone seems to be on the same page - ONE PARTY! Please take this advice to heart because you definitely will have problems down the road if you let this one go. Take it from people who have been there! :)

You're staying at her house right? I think everyone that says decline is crazy. How can you decline to attend a party you will be at from staying there?

What I would do. Let him have it if they definitely will not attend the other. If he's little I'm sure he'll enjoy 2 cakes and 2 birthday songs. It's not like it's going to be a full on event right? I mean it sounds like everyone will be at the other one and then you'll have one J. for the parents on the day after? That can be a simple as a breakfast birthday cake and song right? I might be misunderstanding. Do they want to tell everyone from their side not to come the day before?
If the above is true, your husband needs to talk with his family and find out the issue. If there is an issue with your parents he needs to find out what and ecide if it's valid enough to do things seperately, or if he can talk them into being adults and coming for the sake of the kids.

Ok, if I go it right, you will be staying with your in-laws for the weekend but your sons party will be at your parents house and everyone's invited, including your in-laws who say they can't go and want o throw their own party for him.

I would say no. I'm sure they have their reasons for wanting to throw one of their own but it's just not practical. You have a jam packed weekend as it is. The morning of the party, they can give him his present and explain to him why they won't be able to make it.

I get that this is easier said than done but stick to your guns. Are u going to do this all the time?

I would give your condolences that they will no able to attend. Then just mention how busy that next day will be for your family. If you are staying with them maybe they can do something when you are done for the day. Otherwise, you have already extended an invite and they declined. You should not have to bend over backwards to accommodate their wishes. Your time is valueable too.

It is your husband's job to deal with this. He is the one who needs to ask his mother what is going on here. He should expect a real explanation about why they can't come to the party. Like you said, if it's a real problem, that's one thing. However, if this is really about your MIL wanting to be in control, OR if she doesn't want to be around your parents, your husband needs to suss this out. Unless there is a really good reason that they can't come to the party, he should decline and tell them that they are expecting too much. He also ought to ask them what they think it looks like to everyone else for them to plan their own party when you all are there for such a short time with so much to do and so many places to be. He ought to tell them point blank that it seems that they are snubbing his wife's family.

Sometimes someone needs to just come out and say what's what. It sounds like your MIL thinks people don't know what she is about, and she needs to be called out on this.

Unless there is a really good reason and profuse apologies as to why they are not coming to your family's party, I would turn down the second party.

Dawn

I know what you are going through. Because we have a small place we have had my childrens birthday parties at my father-in-laws place. Since he and my grandmother-in-law (my FIL's MIL - my MIL is deceased) do not get along she would not attend because it was at his house. She wanted us to bring the children to her house to have cake.

In addition - my parents live a 4 hour drive away - they did not attend either of my childrens even 1st bday parties.............because my kids were born in November and December they just said, "well when you guys come down to visit for the holidays we'll have a small birthday party for them."

It hurt but this year my son will celebrate his 6th birthday, I have finally changed my mindset that I will enjoy the parties and my childrens milestones and those not there will just miss out.

I would decline the 2nd party (don't make just the excuse of it being a busy next day, but point out that the party is on x date as they will otherwise likely suggest another date). Your husband should be the one to relay the message, or be at your side when you do and be prepared to stand up for you (let him know your expectation in advance).