Children's Birthdays with the Inlaws...

MzKitty has the right idea. Call ma in law, and tell her you want her to plan their party and tell her when you will arrive. Stay for the weekend at her house and let her have the kids the whole time. Go shop, to the spa, out with hubby for dinner, relax and have fun, and let the kids spend the whole time with grama and then pack them up and leave as if it never happend. She will love telling all her friends that she HAD to do everything because you just didnt have a clue how to deal with it. haha.
or be glad they have grandparents living and so close. being able to have grama at a party would have been nice for my kids. it never happened. I didnt get along great with her, but I would have liked her to at least admit my kids were her grand kids..once.

In a nutshell...you just don't want her around. I am a model grandmother. I do not interfere or try to run things. In a normal family situation, you have a celebration and all family, friends, children, classmates etc are welcome and invited. You want to have 2 celebrations...basically a real party...with her not around...and then alittle something with her present. As a grandmother...my intention is being with my grandchild because I dearly love him...it has nothing to do with me having things my own way. I just plain and simply...wanna be with him.Anything else would be unheard of in my book. Its one day...lighten up!

This seems kinda easy to me...why not have two different celebrations? Let your in-laws come up for 1 celebration and let them choose what they would like to do with their Grandchildren, gifts, dinner + cake and then it's over. You would have included them and let them be 'in charge', so to speak. Then plan your own family & friends party...whatever and whenever you, hubby and the kids want....they don't even need to know?!

Good Luck!

I am sorry if this is not the answer you are looking for but I kind of believe that it is good for kids to have their Grandparents in their lives....regardless of how difficult they might be for us adults to deal with :)

Sounds like she just wants to celebrate with her grandchildren. I do not
see what is wrong with that. Can you do something with your kids on the
weekend. The kids deserve a relationship with their grandparents. They
will not be there forever. To me, the more family the better. When they
are older and want their own friends at their party then they will tell her.
Family first in my house.

I say move! Just kidding......kind of. Thats what I did. The only problem is now they stay at our house for multiple days.
I agree with the other posters that your husband needs to stand up to his mom. Can you just have a birthday celebration with them and call it that. Then do your family thing the other weekend, and keep it a secret amongst you and your husband. Is your childs bday on the weekend? If it is I say tell her that you are having your family day, just you the hubby and kids, that day but they are more than welcome to come the weekend before or after for a "family" celebration.

When they come over, do they stay overnight too since its a 2 hour drive, or do they come at the crack of dawn and leave at midnight sort of thing? What I think you could do is what all us divorced parents do. One weekend plan something for just you, hubs and your kids. Then the NEXT weekend, call your MIL and say you are coming to their house for the day so she can do what she wants for the kids. Make her pay for everything...lol!!! Or, if they do just come for the day, have them come the other weekend, knowing you already had the "real" bday party the weekend before. Same thing when the kids are older and they want parties with their friends. That party can be one weekend and your "family" party on another. Hope you find something that works for you!!!!

Don't worry, you don't need to invite MIL to a school-friends birthday party. Just have the those parties a week before or a week after your kids' actual birthday since MIL is so insistant she be there to celebrate with them on the actual birthday week. She isn't flexible, but you can be. Don't even tell her your kids are having 10 friends at a bowling party, or the 4 of you are going out the zoo, or whatever. If you are up for hosting another family party, dinner outing or something on your kids actual birthday, MIL can come. If you're not, just invite her over for dinner and cake/ice cream, put up a few decorations, and that is just fine. If it's not good enough for her, SHE can plan some kind of family event. Ignore her complaints. You don't have to put on a big production every year just for her. Your kids' birthday isn't about MIL and what she wants.

Gently but firmly put your foot down. Arrange a special birthday dinner at a restaurant or your house or whatever. My daughters are 14 months apart. ages 4 and 5. One bday in July, one in Sept. We have a joint bday party for them in Sept, with all their kid friends. No family invited. (My house is small, it gets quite crowded with their friends and other moms here.)
On their actual bdays, we do what we want. Usually includes my parents. My in laws are 2 1/2 hours away and we always do something with them near or around the bday, not on. Usually on the day with my parents who are 15 min away.

Good luck!!

I have a lot of issues with my mom wanting to take over stuff so I understand a little of what you're going through. Wen she drives me nuts, I try to tell myself that even though she's driving me nuts, I want my son to have a good relationship with her, because she won't be here forever. It doesn't always help. Last year I took my son to 3 different Easter egg hunts because I wanted to have one that didn't include her. Obviously that's not possible for a birthday. If this is something that is really important to her AND to your husband, you may just need to find a way to accept that she will be there on the actual birthday and you can have your special birthday trip to the zoo the next week-end. Remind yourself that you get to see your kids everyday and she has limited times to see them.

Your MIL is narcissistic. She thinks the day is about her rather than your kids. My MIL was the same. I KNOW how tough this is. She complains until you are so miserable that you give in to her demands. (Then my MIL let it be known how much she enjoyed having "beaten" her own kids at the power struggle of how to spend time together--hope yours isn't doing that.)

Can't change your MIL's behavior. What I used to do was surround myself with things to soothe myself so I could let it go.

If hubby wants/ allows mom to invite herself, put your foot down on ALL of the following:
-you leave while he cleans the house in preparation.
-he prepares the cake, food, etc.
-he also joyfully attends the other celebration you create for your immediate family to be held on the day of your choosing, whether it is the week before or after. Make the alternate day the "real" day of celebration.
-he gives you a spa day before and/or after a mom visit.
-he puts his foot down to his mom on how you decide to celebrate it, whether it is the zoo, whatever.
-whenever mom criticizes to you, send her to your hubby with her comments. "Oh, I let Peter take care of that." Then walk away. Alert your hubby in advance that this is your plan.
-he cleans the house after they leave.

You can't stop or change MIL's behavior, but you can influence your husband's, and you can set up a strategy for dealing with the emotions you are feeling. After you get hubby to realize the stress her visits cause you, and what you require done in order for you to be able to function and enjoy the weekend somehow, if you wants to keep YOU happy, he'll step up to the plate.

Being a grandmother myself, I understand where your MIL is coming from in wanting to celebrate birthdays with her grandchildren.

I can also understand that she rubs you the wrong way and you simply do not want to have to deal with her.

SO, my suggestion is rather than to ask her to do something the week before or after, that you make your plans for the week before or the week after and when she asks what you are doing for the birthday, tell her you're just staying home but if she wants to come get the children and take them out for a special day with grandma for their birthdays, that would be great.

If anything gets mentioned about the outing you took with the children for their birthdays, just tell her it was a spur of the moment thing and there just wasn't time to invite anyone. Also, I would make it look like spur of the moment to the kids so they won't blow it with grandma.

Just do your own thing and encourage her to make her own plans for a special day with grandma.

I would let my husband handle this problem with his parents. It sounds like better boundaries are needed.

I just posted a question (or a vent!) about my own parents, so I read your post about your in-laws with much sympathy!!! I wish I had some good advice. I'll be reading all the responses to this and to my own question. All I can say is my in-laws are very similar - ALWAYS want to be with my kids during their birthday celebrations. But the difference is that mine don't care what the plans are, they just want to be there (so it's definitely easier for me than it is for you) I don't always want them there, but it's just gotten to the point where I tell them what we're doing and they can come or not. BUT I am not going to worry about their good time! I used to worry, and I've finally let it go. Seems like I need to be doing the same with my own parents. Family, you just gotta love 'em....

I really do understand your frustration. Your husband needs to let her know this is not working. Then make your own plans.
Unfortunately, we had the opposite problem. None of the grandparent ever came to a single important event in my boys lives.
Neither situation is good.

If you and hubby can't agree on this and you go ahead it will be one more thing to start the break up of your marriage. If you and hubby cannot compromise and work this out then there is always going to be this stress.

I think it is wonderful for you In laws to want to come celebrate with the grand kids. Sorry it causes you such grief to try and compromise with them.

I would talk to hubby and see if you can get him to work it out this way.

X's birthday party is on XX, 2-12 at XXpm. These are the kids he has invited.

Let your parents know so then can plan on attending if the want to. Then go ahead and have so's party.

If hubby won't compromise the I guess it will have to be you.

I would suggest planning cake and ice cream for the family the weekend before (or on the actual birthday)...the whole family if they choose. Then, plan your immediate family's event separately.

I think it's reasonable for the grands to be involved in birthdays but don't make yourself crazy cleaning and don't cater to her demands.
Your husband needs to support you. Every time my husband's parents visit he asks me a couple of days before "What do you think needs to be cleaned?" and he does it all.
Good luck!

Your Husband, has to draw the line to his Mommy Dearest.
He is not a Mama's Boy.
He is a grown man.
As long as he allows this to go on.... MIL will control your family and your kids and what you do, even in privacy.

Now... what about YOUR family?
I mean, THEY should have prominence in your kids' lives/birthday parties too. If there are nearby too.
Not only your Husband's, family.

Well you know, your MIL is selfish/toxic/drama filled.
And, she will get pissy about everything and make you/you all feel guilty about it all the time.

And YES, as kids get older, they want parties with their friends. That is normal. THEY, as children, should NOT HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY about it, either... just because of your MIL. Harping on it and them.
That... is not good.
Husband, should realize, that "allowing" her to control all this, is going to be negative on your kids.
That is... emotional manipulation and emotional blackmail.

I have my own in-laws issues coming up too.
Ugh.
I feel you.

You have my vote.

Is taking your kids away for a weekend a possibility?