In Laws Driving Me NUTS- Help!

Go girl! I'm so impressed you piled all the toys up right in front of them! You handled it great. I think the next step is to refuse to take any more stuff. Just absolutely refuse. Geez, some people just dont get it...

I would take all the toys and stuff they have bought and bring them over to their house. Ask them to please store them there for awhile until you can get a bigger place. See how they like having all that stuff in their home.

I was in the same situation last year. We moved from another city and in our transition we lived in a tiny apartment for 1 year before we bought our house. To our suprize had a lot of visits from inlaws who wanted to bring gifts for the kids. I requested that if they wanted to do something for the kids they could set up a savings account and or take them and spend quality time at the zoo or ice cream outings whatever but no gifts unless it was a small book no exceptions or I would give the item to charity. I was perceived as a nut and many other things too. My husband at first thought I was being a little dramatic until I decided that I would not pick up any of the kids toys, after a week of him comming home swimming in toys he was fed up. It didnt seem so bad when I was always picking up the mess to further my point I let him join in the creative search to find a place for each item. That was all it took to gain his support. Now that we have the room we decided to keep the same rule because there are no toys that make them happier than quality time with the gp. And if they want to buy the toy it stays at their house not mine. Hope you feel better to at least know your not alone.

My mother is like this.
When my kids were small, like yours, they went to her house for daycare. Almost every day that I picked them up, they each had some sort of little item. Then, there were all the regular birthday/holiday presents... We had a pretty big house, but their rooms were just FILLED with stuff! It was too much to even play with anymore. I told Mom that I did not want her to send any more toys over with the kids on a daily/weekly basis. I told her that birthdays and Christmas are OK, but "just because" is not a gifting occasion when kids are swimming in toys. We had a garage sale, and donated a lot of things, but my daughter is still a clutterbug, and she is almost out of High School! It is BAD for kids to be inundated with stuff for stuff's sake. I also had to tell Mom not to buy clothes for my kids all the time - they got overwhelming as well. Turns out, she needed to buy things for my brother's kids, because they had nothing, and she wanted to be "fair" to my kids... My mom listened, but she still buys the kids things.

Good luck

This is very interesting. I am sorry you have to go through this. It sounds as if you and your husband need to be a united force with your inlaws and let them know that they need to stop with all the toys. First off, you can let them know it is just too much for your small apt. You may also sight that you dont want your kids to always think that they will get everything that they want. Beleve me this starts at a young age. You may suggest to them that if they want to buy them something, why not run it past you and your husband first to see if they really need it. Remember, you are not married them. It sounds as if they dont respect your boundaries. If worst comes to worst, you can always donate toys away that you do not think are acceptable. It is hard to stop grandparetns when it comes to their grandkids. It is hard also to not lose your cool when things, literally, keep piling up on you. Try to hold your tongue b/c you will be so much happier in the long run that you didnt say anything that may come back to haunt you.

You're NOT crazy, these people have BOUNDRY ISSUES! You've done what you can by asking them to respect your wishes. They refuse. Next time they bring an item you don't want, thank them and tell them that the local charity will really appreciate it, as you don't have room in a tiny apt.
Perhaps instead of spending $$ on things you don't need, they can save their money and help you guys with a down payment on a house!!! :)

I had similar problems with my in-laws. The key is your husband. HE needs to be the one to tell his parents that they need to stop giving the toys and items. They won't stop until he acknowledges that there is a problem.

My husband hates to have clutter & toys all over the floor. If yours is like mine, I suggest NOT putting the toys away before he comes home. Let the kids leave their toys all over the furniture, floor, beds, kitchen counter. It's a very visual way for him to see that you're overflowing with his parents' "generosity" and he'll take a stand against his folks.

Consider having your husband ask them to subscribe to a toy rental company. A mom in Houston started a toy rental company. Here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23098673/
They send you age appropriate toys & you send them back when your kids have outgrown them & you get a batch of new ones.

Good luck.

K.

I have an impossible MIL too!! My FIL is not soo bad but still very hard to deal with. I do think you let your anger get away from you a bit with the toys but at the same time I think that I would have done the same! It is tough to be polite and respectful of your husbands parents but also be true to the way you feel. Next time I would just say "thank you" and then keep selling or throwing away loads of toys. If you drop hints that you are going to have to "go through" his stuff again when ever they give him something new, they should get the hint that barely used toys are getting tossed because of the huge new ones. I think every woman has a few problems with her in-laws, even if they claim they are the best.

Good Luck!!

No Lisa, I don't see you as crazy but if this continues you will be. Does your husband not see what they are doing? Have you talked to him about his and told him how you feel? He needs to step up and talk to his parents. If they know you are downsizing and trying to limit what you bring into your small space, they should respect that and not be so overbearing.

We have the same problem in my family, EXCEPT, it is my parents that are the difficult ones. I have found that creating a team with my husband has been the most helpful. We both express to my parents our feelings.

I think the thing he said to me that most hit home was that my parents are setting a precedent. It is going to get to a point when they are older that they EXPECT something every time they visit. And as we know, these "things" only get bigger and more expensive.

For Christmas this year, we did not buy our children ANYTHING because of all the gifts they got from my parents. This irritated my husband because he works very hard for our family and wants to be able to show our children that (even though they are way too young to understand any of this).

This past week was my son's second birthday. We sent out a note with his invitations that we request no gifts be brought to his party because we feel very fortunate that he has everything he could ever wish for. We asked that if our guests felt the need to bring something that we would take donations for a women and children's shelter.

It is beginning to get better. I think that the party made a statement without saying a word. My mother said she would really like to get something for him and asked what she could do. I made the suggestion of a very small gift and she actually listened. AND, got him nothing else. She is now learning that she needs to ask before getting anything.

BTW. I read your post to my husband and he does not think you are crazy AT ALL. He laughed and said, "sounds like something I would do!" I hope this helps.

P.S. LOVE your blog and crafts!

I see this as a blessing in disguise. You are already doing
the right thing about giving it away. There are so many people, especially now, that are barely scraping by, so toys
are not a priority as much as they would love to get their
children toys. Maybe through your church, there might be a
list of people in real need that you could brighten their day.
Through word of mouth, you might even find some people that
you could personally deliver your unwanted items and SEE for
yourself how happy you can make some very deserving children.
THEN - your attitude would be changed and you would welcome all the toys your inlaws wanted to bring. I think it would definitely put you in a different frame of mind and you would
be a much happier person.

Good luck!
P. S

Lisa,
I truly feel for your situation. These in-laws have shown no respect for your feelings! It is a shame that you must waste your time dealing w/this while also caring for your little ones. What stress! This really sounds like an episode of Dr. Phil! Wondering how your husband feels about your situation? You really need his support w/this one!! Sorry I don't have any advice about gaining his support. But I do however liike the other advice that was given. I would agree w/making a rule such as one toy in/one toy out. Just make sure that once you anounce such a rule that you stick w/it!
Not that you need any more work to do but in addition to it maybe find some articles to show the in-laws about overindulging children and the repercusions of spoiled children. Since they don't seem to care about the small space complaints, you could stress that you most definitely do not want your children turned into spoiled brats. Most g'parents wouldn't care about that but just may be something will sink in.
I wish you all the luck in the world!! Let us know how it turns out! Keep your chin up!
D.

I don't think your nuts at least you didn't start screaming at them which is probably what I would have done. I have M-I-L problems too. Mine would like all her children to be unhappy and divorced and living with her. So she is always trying to get my husband and I into fights. I strongly suggest you apologize only because its easier on you and your husband and then calmly set them down with your husband and he explain what the problem is and maybe then they will get the message.

You are not at all crazy! Your in-laws are being very rude and inconsiderate in their own sweet selfish way. I'm not sure if there is a fix though since you've told them countless times and they can't seem to respect that.

Would it be possible to round up the toys and take them to their house for the kids to play with when they visit?? Or list them on Craigslist.com and use the money for something else?

Grandparents are the worst for respecting boundries - we have issues with that too, but in a different way. Plus is makes problems between husband and wife when they are his parents.

I wish you luck. You may just need to keep giving the stuff away, but I would try to sell it if I were you. May as well make it worthwhile! :-)

You are far from crazy, and you ought to be really PO'd at your husband for not standing with you on this issue. That's why your in-laws continue with their behavior. You and your husband need to see a counselor to get this sorted out--
Now, you've gotten a lot of practical advice on how to get rid of all the "junk"...I would just get some boxes together and start throwing stuff in them as it comes in your door, then call Salvation Army a couple of times a month or so to come get the boxes. You won't change their behavior--only your husband can really address that with them. Good luck, and let us know how things turn out! Most of us have been there at some point or another...

My mother-in-law is the same way I think she looks for the biggest toys she can find. I'm with the other Moms your lucky now you have stuff to give to Good Will and help people. If your In-laws are like mine she will never hear a word I say so don't try and don't get mad when they come and dump stuff on you just smile knowing it will be out of your house the next day and you just put a smile on a poor child's face. My mother-in-law will ask where the stuff is that she gets them and I tell her the truth they got bored with it (after 2 days with so many toys they move on fast)and we need the space so it's at Good Will. So if your crazy then so am I and a lot of other Moms. Your Husband should tell his parents to get a hobby.

I am a grandmother who has to resist the urge to buy for my granddaughter. It is a love like no other – the love of your grandchildren. I realized early in the game that this child was my son and daughter-in-law’s responsibility and that my role was one of love and support. But in the beginning my mouth over road what my heart knew and I offered unsolicited advice. BIG MISTAKE. I turned to substituting my unwanted wisdom with unwanted stuff. I also teach simplicity and realized I was not applying the guidelines of simplicity to my relationship with grandchild. I suggest that you start a school fund and ask your folks to direct their generosity into college contributions. Ask that they plan excursions and experiences , ie zoo, swim lessons. Designate a Grandparents space. What comes in replaces something that goes out. Use lists for the holidays and celebrations – Effective especially if the child writes it or pastes pics on the list. Explain the lesson you are trying to teach in respect to ownership. And most importantly teach your children to pass on what they are not using. Look deeper into your personal relationship with these folks, perhaps the gift giving is masking something else –
I hope this helps – From another grandmother with Love

how aweful, sorry to hear about your in-laws....you could always just say you threw it out in the trash! :) Guess i don't have much advice but did want to say that you could do offer the toys to your local church. Currently my SIL and myself have a baby, mine is 10 months and hers is 4 moths. We don't have very many toys over here so next time you want to get rid of things, you can always contact me!!! :) I'd be gald to take them off your hands!!!
:)
S. Kirkland

I thought the in and out rule was a great idea. You could take the toys that are going out to a second hand shop like Once Upon a Child then put the money in a savings account for your children.

I would primarily suggest 2 things- as stated several times already, try to get your husband on the same page as you. But, as a more immediate fix, I would send the toys home with grandparents so he can have all of his fun toys to play with over at their house. Your in-laws can still buy him whatever they want and he'll still get to play with it, but it won't be in your space or in your way.

OK I'm going to step out and say something a little different than everyone else. Yes I agree that they should respect your boundaries etc, but the fact is they aren't so what to do now? Try to be thankful. I have 3 children and their only living grandparent is in Florida, and has been to visit 3 times in 8 yrs. It may be annoying and disrespectful to you, but at least they are alive and care about their grandchildren and want to be part of their lives. I would put up with anything for my children to have the chance of knowing my parents, but that can't happen, so themn I consoled myself with the thought that well my mother in law may be in Florida, but she'll step up and get involved now that my parents have passed away, did she? NO, she does send money and gifts at christmas, but oh how I long for my kids to have grandparents. So as annoying as they may be, and I'm not saying what they do is right, mabey just try accepting their way way of showing love, they may not know how to show love appropiratly. Afterwards, have a yard sale or something every 6six months to clear out the old junk and make room for the new junk!! and then go buy something you really need.

It's your house, Lisa... so implement the "one in, one out" rule and stick to it. "Wehn a new toy comes in, an old toy must go out."

And of course, make sure you mention it, and reinforce it, every time your inlaws visit.

To really get your point across--and begin now to teach your children not to clutter--have the child help you choose which old toy has to go. In fact, get the in-laws involved too, and they may quickly realize they are wasting their time and money with so many gifts, and may start choosing more wisely for your kids.

I don't think you are crazy at all. When enough is enough (which was a long time ago in my opinion), you have to resort to a form of communication that gets the point across. It's now your in-laws turn to deal with their own feelings about the situation. If they are mature adults, they will take a step back and realize what they have done. Hopefully they'll know that you appreciate their generosity, but that they got a "little" carried away.

Good luck--and don't let yourself feel guilty. You did what you had to do!

No your not a crazy person! I feel your frustration and they just build up because you care about their feelings and you know they love your kids and just want to buy them things but they arent being understanding to YOUR feelings. I also live in a small apartment and we had to tell our parents the same thing and sometimes they dont listen but I do feel blessed that they bring gifts. Your going to have to apologize for the way you re-acted but let them know your frustrations and hopefully they wont continue if they do just say Im sorry I cant accecpt this unless you want to help us move into a large home.

i owuld have done the same thing. good luck

no...you are not nuts! your in-laws are pretty typical...unfortunately, nothing you do will probably ever change them!! you must respond to them like you would your toddler, b/c your anger toward them really hurts you the most, it certainly doesn't change the situation...
it sounds like the in-laws bring toys regularly...when they do, smile politely and thank them...then take the toys they gave your children last week, wash them, bag them, take them to a "once upon a child" type store and get cash for them OR donate them to a church/daycare/non-profit org. I know this method sounds extremely harsh, however, they (and your children) never have to know that you do this...the reality is that you don't have the space for all of these "things" and you will be much happier if you do a once a month clean sweep of your apt. ALSO, if you do get cash for the toys, perhaps use it to save for college for your kids...or start a date night fund...or coffee fund for yourself, so that the toys/things become a positive thing for you...
also, you can suggest things like zoo memberships, museum memberships etc for gifts if they ask for suggestions...if they don't ask though, I wouldn't bring it up. As far as your relationship w/them goes it may be easier and better (in the long run) to just tell yourself that they really have no idea how this affects you and are just excited about shopping...say your thankyous, write a thankyou note, then do as you please w/the items. trust me, nothing I can say to my inlaws EVER changes them (positively at least!) it just angers them, then the rest of my husbands' family hears what an awful person I am. good luck!!

This is all to common...it is hard for us girls to build a healthy relationship with our inlaws!!!
First you should ask you husband to take care of the issue, as he is the one they raised. I finally told my husband, "if you don't talk to them about this, I will, and it WON'T come out nearly as nice." that solved it for us anyway. If your husband is unwilling, I 'talk' directly with them, or a letter might be the way you prefer... Write, "I want us to have a good relationship, so I have to communicate something that is VERY important to me. Thank you for being generous with us, but I do not want anymore items bought for my house or toys for Junior brought into my small home...if you want to buy him toys, leave them at your house, please. If you want to give him gifts, it would be nice to have a education fund that you could deposit money into on occassion."
I'll cut this short now, since I imagine you will have LOTS of replies to read from other moms.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I would suggest sending the toys home with them! I had that problem with my in laws and it stopped when their house became outrageously cluttered with large toys! Maybe your husband should say something to them? I have had to have mine step in a few times and the nonsense stops - blood is thicker than water right? Good luck!

we have simular generous inlaws... I respond with one of 2 questions
1. Won't this be fun to play with at grandma's house? ( subtle way to say take it to your house...)
or
2. How neat! Where did you ever find _______? ( this is how you find out where to return the item for store credit...)

It also might help to tell them about musuem/zoo memberships you'd rather have.