In Laws Moving In

C.,

I feel your pain. I have had my MIL and SIL living with us since my husband and I first got together. It may be important for your in-laws to be close to your husband at this time especially since your FIL's diagnosis. Some parents feel the need to be as close as possible to their children. This is a fact I have learned quickly these past 5 years. And you know something if it wasn't for my MIL and SIL I think my husband and I would probably be divorced by now. They have really helped us and especially me through some hard times. I have found that I can talk to them about whatever is going on with us. Heck we may not have even gotten married if it wasn't for my MIL who had a talk with my husband about a disagreement he and I had long ago. He left me and was ready to move on, but my MIL showed him that he loved me too much to let that one little thing interfere with happiness. Just be patient, this could be a passing phase for your in-laws and if it isn't, then maybe you can take advantage of them being there and just look at the positive side of it. I hope this helps!

Hi C....kudos to you for being willing to share your home. Not many people could do that. I do understand your need to make sure that it is the best arrangement for all involved. But, I don't understand your husbands reasoning behind his decisions. Are his parents insisting that you not make those changes or does he really think it is unnecessary? You might sit down with him and the in-laws and see what would make them most comfortable. If you all talk before hand you might find that you can agree on a solution for everyone. Ideally it would be great if his parents could have their own space, like and apartment behind your home. Most of the time the elderly want to maintain a bit of independence anyway. But, then again, they may not want that. I can't offer much advice other than just communicate, communicate, communicate!! This is a big decision, one that will impact your whole family. I definitely think you should all talk about it as a group. I will be praying for your situation and hope that this can be a smooth transition for all involved! Remember that this will affect your boys too...their opinions should be considered as well! Make them feel a part of the decision too! :) Good Luck & Many Blessings!

I think it's great that you are willing to be a caregiver to your in-laws--you are fantastic!! But for both families to keep their sanity you need separate living spaces. Then you can spend time together and separately.

What about a duplex? Or about an older house that has a guest house out in back? I don't have any more thoughts just GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU. I don't think I could do that. You are very thought and a very good hearted person to be open to this challenge.
Good luck again,
Leti

How terrible! I'm so sorry for you and I will pray for your father-in-law. I'm sorry your husband is being so stubborn. We've all been there.

I understand you still want your privacy. That's only natural. If it were me, I'd sit him down and tell him how I feel, with as little emotion as possible. Tell you you don't mind if they live with you but, you NEED privacy. Ask him why he is being so insistant because this is not just his decision to make. It affects your entire family and there must be a compromise. I've always heard that you know you've made a good compromise when everyone is still a little pissed off. (grin)

Anyway, just be honest and find out why he doesn't like any of your ideas. Then, be sure to validate them, as you want your feelings validated and tell him your feelings. Tell him that you want to have a solution that you BOTH can agree on. Stand firm on the MOST important points to you and be willing to concede on the less important points.

Good luck and your family will be in my prayers.

God bless,

Chris H.

Cristi,
In December of 2005 my father had a stroke. Shortly after that the neighborhood kids started breaking into the work shed out back and then the garage and so forth. I began to fear for my parents safety and decided to move them in until we found a place with what you're looking for "an efficiency appartement". My mother became very depressed, after years of living in a four bedroom home she would end up living in a garage appartmemt or guest house. So my husband I went looking at a home just two doors down so she would be in her own home. Less than a week after we looked at the house, my husband found my mother on the floor of the guest restroom at 6 in the morning while getting ready for work. She had had a heart attack. We were so glad that they were here with us. Even if they had been in a garage appartment, we would have found her so early and she could have possible died. My parents are in their seventies, I don't know how old your inlaws are. We decided not to even look at anything else. We have them here, we are a little crowded but my kids love being with their grandparents. And they keep my parents entertained as well. My husband and I have made my parents equal members of our family. My mom runs the kitchen, I had to give up control so she could feel useful and my dad runs the remote so he can feel like he's still head of the household. My relationship with my husband has actually improved since they moved in. We don't agrue because we don't want them to hear us and worry. I have more time to enjoy my husband because now my mom cooks for us. I would tell you, move them in and enjoy them. They won't be around forever. Your children will see how you care for them and that is what they will do for you. Good luck.
G.

HELLO C.,
YOUR HUBBY IS BEING SELFISH. U R THE ONE THAT HAS TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE AT HOME WHILE HE WORKS. ONLY U KNOW HOW MUCH U CAN HANDLE AND U HAVE TO MAKE YOUR CHILDREN TOP PRIORITY. GOOD LUCK.

J.

www.deliveringonthepromise.com/40420383

I think the advice about "communicate, communicate, communicate" is key BUT I will say that I would do everything in your power to convince your husband that you need your separate space! I love my MIL as well but after having her move here from out of state, I realized that there is NO WAY that she could live with me. I think it's very important for a couple to remain a couple and that's very hard when there are in-laws involved. If you can afford the addition, that's awesome. If not, try to find one that is already built. Whatever you do, I'd make your husband see that you need your space as well as they need their space. Good luck!!

I understand why your husband might be reluctant. They are HIS parents who raised him. HOWEVER, when you two got married, he "left his father and mother" to become "one flesh" with you. That means that your feelings take precendent over his parents' and your voice has equal weight in the relationship. With that said, you have done the right thing into suggesting different alternatives that would make you feel comfortable with them moving in. I think you are trying to me more than accomodating actually. To suggest building an entirely new house just so they can move in is very sweet on your part. Your husband needs to realize this. He cant just say "I dont like it", yet refuse to offer any alternative that you would be satisfied with. It is going to take compromise and you need to let him know that. Sit him down and first, VALIDATE his feelings. Tell him you understand how hard this whole ordeal must be for him. It isnt just his parents moving in...his father has lukemia. Once he realizes you are on HIS side and you are not trying to make light of the situation, explain how it makes you feel with the thought of your in-laws moving in without any adjustments to the home. Give examples and clear cut reasons (you cant just say "i dont like it). Hopefully by bringing up your suggestions in a "business meeting" type manner will help him understand and process things better. Men need to hear things differently than women so sometimes all it takes is a different approach.

Just dont forget. YOU have a say in this matter too. He HAS to compromise, it isnt just his way or the highway.

Goodluck