Inconsiderate Husband

And you didn't knock his teeth out??? Woman you are a saint, because that would have been the last thing my husband would have ever said without a lisp!

I'd be upset.

Maybe he is feeling a little overwhelmed about the prospect of being a father. I don't think people say that without meaning it- at least somewhat, and maybe even if only subconsciously. He might have some serious issues to work through in the next 7 or 8 months...

He knows you've wanted this baby and that it's important to you. Any man who knows that and would go along with "trying" to get pregnant and would still say such a thing is a horrible person.

I say, get rid of HIM. This ignorance will not stop.

my hubby would have a black eye. you have every right to be peeved about it, and even though men sometimes (my hubby included) say stupid things, they SHOULD be able to engage the filter!!

You know your husband better then we do ... does he normally have that kind of a sense of humor? If not, then you'd better sit down with him and figure this out before it gets out of hand. If he does usually have a weird sense of humor then you can chalk it up to your hormones.

L., you have every right to be upset. When I was 6 months pregnant with twins, my husband told me he just didn't see me or the baby in his future. I was crushed. I thought that meant divorce, I thought that meant he was going to take my two year old son away with him. That my baby was to grow up with his brother living in another house....the thoughts just kept going. And the emotions. You should sit down once your calm, and ask him calmly what he meant by that-is he not sure he is ready for a baby? whats going on that he would say that? The only way for you to move past that is to ask, calmly. notice how calm is there a lot.....it is because it will not help anyone if your upset, not the argument, the baby, your health or your marriage. My husband said what he did because he was so unsure of the future with twins and our current son, he just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like. Whew! 9 years later, I see what he means. Honey, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart, men are notorious for sticking their foot in their mouths-and women are notorious for reading everything with a hidden meaning. Find out what his insecurities are in this, being a new dad for the 1st time or even again is daunting! Hope this helps and let me know how it goes. Take Care-And Congratulations!K.

You are not over-reacting. Not by any means. I am also pregnant, 21 weeks. If my husband were to have told me to get rid of it, I would have lost a lot of respect for him. After all, we didn't get pregannty by ourselves. It took 2. If I were you, I would talk to him and find out what he was thinking when he made that comment. A person wouldn't shoot hurtful words off like that unless there was some sort of meaning behind them. It's definitely not a very funny joke, if that's what it was supposed to be. I'm sorry you have to deal with the stupidity behind the comment. Hang in there.

Umm....You might want to consider getting rid of HIM.

Is this the type of joke that your husband would produce prior to your pregnancy? If so, then you need to take it in the manner intended. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that all people are going to treat you any differently. Was this a planned pregnancy? A surprise? Have you and your husband discussed the pregnancy? Did you discuss having a baby prior to getting preggos? The answers to these questions determine if your response to your husband is appropriate. He might truly mean that he doesn't want a child. It may have been a joke. You are the one who knows him. You two need to have a conversation about the situation. Explain to him that he hurt your feelings and you would appreciate if he wouldn't joke in this manner again.

That is NOT a funny joke. I have had to bury two children that died before they were born and they are every much my children as the ones that have lived. Would he dare say to you to get rid of a one year old? Your baby at 6-7 weeks has a hear that is beating, a brain, and nervous system. The baby has little arms, legs and you can see the little eyes. Children are the most precious gift you will ever receive and you just don't toss something so precious!!! We buried one child who died just 14 weeks after conception. He was perfect in every way and so tiny that he fit in the palm of my hand when he was born. He had the tiniest fingernails and toenails. He had hair on his little head and he absolutely was a little boy. How wonderful that you are a Momma. I hope your husband comes around.

Yep, idiot would be the word I'd use too...except, I would add some very colorful adjectives, just for kicks!

I thought about what some of the other posters had to say about women being more emotional during pregnancy, or about him being freaked out by the situation, etc. I just can't find room in my heart to understand why in the world he would think that his comment was even remotely humorous. All I can come up with is this....he's an idiot (for the moment) and hopefully, after your reaction, he won't try that one again.

Feel good, Sweetie...enjoy your pregnancy!

C.

Not over reacting at all. That is awful, even if he was joking. My dh made a similar comment once. We lost our first baby due to premature birth. He said to me "You wouldn't have made a very good mom anyways". I know he was trying to help me feel better, but that sure did not help!! I think men just don't what to say sometimes and just don't think before speaking! I am sorry he said that to you.
S.

Okay L. - I had to jump on this already full boat and voice my feelings on the matter.

I say that as long as you are the one who wants this child, that is all that matters. We are all single moms in the end as men are typically lazy lazy lazy - and it will only get worse when you have yet another person to take care of. I am sure he is lamenting that - if not yet, he will be! And he should - mourning the loss of you as his pseudo-mom is quite the freak out to guys. Competition with the offspring ... hmmmm sounds kinda like we are all animals in the end!

Your hormones are raging, and if you think this incident was difficult (and I am sure it was as I went through similar) be prepared for a full-on complete freak-out when or around when you bring your new little addition home from the hospital. My hubby acted all cool and stuff UNTIL he had to get up every three hours opposite me to feed our premature infant son.

I wish you only the very best and if you can LAUGH - even when you can't - it is the BEST medicine!

L.,

Your husband was in the wrong, no doubt about it. That being said, you will just have to let it go. Husbands say dumb, thoughtless things - they all do it. When there is a big change or stress, they are even more prone to put their foot in their mouth. You wouldn't believe some of the things my husband said when I was in labor with our first child. But if you want to be happy in your marriage, you just have to forgive and forget. (Or jokingly use it for blackmail when enough time has past that it isn't a sensitive subject anymore.)

Congrats on your pregnancy,
S.

Hi L.,

Very inconsiderate....the thing you need to find out is where that statement came from. What did he mean when he said that...and what is he feeling? Most dads are very happy when they find out about the baby, but some aren't so sure...you guys need to have some heart-to-heart conversations.

C.

By the time your baby arrives, you will need your husband to be in a far more mature place emotionally than he is right now. "Of all people" you are the exact LAST person he ought to be talking to like that. Behavior such as his indicates he is wanting to open discussion with you about terminating the pregnancy. Make sure he understands that is not an option and that he is either with you or against you on this, and review with him the consequences of being against you with this pregnancy. Good luck, stick to your guns. I hope you get the many sincere apologies he owes you rather than the disgusting sarcasm you've so far received from him.

You have right to be upset that was a terrible thing to say--but take a deep breath and think about it this way--he doesn't have this life growing inside of him, and raging hormones--he is nervous and doesn't know what to think at this point.

Now once you have taken a breath go to your local book store and buy him a couple of gifts. They have a couple of great "Daddy-to-be" books that help him to understand what you are going through and what life will be like w/ the new little one. Try to keep him as involved in everything as possible--some times I think men withdraw because they don't feel a part of the process, basically their job is done--now everything is going to change for them-- in their eyes and not for the better. I always was asking my husband "Are you excited" they just don't want to talk baby 100% of the time because they aren't living and breathing it like we are. Reassure him that things won't change for the bad--unfortunately men can some times revert back to babies themselves once they realize they won't have their wives full attention anymore. I am sure he didn't mean it and is probably nervous. Once you start your doctor appointments--hearing heartbeat and seeing ultrasounds he will get more excited.

I do a lot of reading and just finished the book "Baby-proofing Your Marriage" I really liked it and wished I had known about it before my daughter was born.

Congratulations by the way! It is such an exciting time for you...if need be find a friend or group of friends to share things with too! I know I called my mom all the time about the little things my husband wasn't interested in during pregnancy...just remember they are wired differently, VERY differently! :) Good Luck!

Maybe a little of both? If he hasn't done something like this before then maybe it was just a jerky thing that slipped out and he needs to be forgiven. If he does stuff like this regularly, then get some good counseling before the baby is born. A partially hidden anger or jealousy toward the baby could develop into something more serious later. No one should be held accountable for reading another's mind, Your relationship should be one where you can each speak and the other trusts enough to believe the words that are spoken 9no hidden or dual meanings). Aside from the tackiness of suggesting killing a baby, he shouldn't mislead you by saying things that don't really reflect how he feels. Now, if he really feels that way - get counseling ASAP!

SAHM of seven, married 27 years

No... he's an idiot!
maybe we could all make a list of
"what NOT to say to your pregnant wife"
have to say, #1 would be... "Git rid of it"

Hellooooo, don't really care what kind of humor he typically has, this is NOT the time for comments like that at all.
Does he realize this is a highly emotionally/hormonally charged time for you! I would be hurt.

You have every right to be upset.

He doesn't sound inconsiderate to me, he sounds completely self absorbed and no where near mature enough to make the sacrifices that are needed to have put a wife and child above his own desires. He doesn't even edit what come out of his mouth. Maybe he'll get better with maturity or maybe he not. I'd look into Christian counseling, at least for your self if you can't get him to go. Him being hurtful can really add up, even when he says "sorry".

Dear L.,

No- you are not overreacting. After the birth of my first two children, I found that I was pregnant once again with a third, just 10 months after my Daughter was born. Only my husband was not kidding when he said he wanted me to "get rid of it." [I could not do that.] Even if he was kidding- I think that it is VERY innaproprite to say such a thing. [Especially to your own wife!] Is this your first pregnancy? It only matters b/c he may just be afraid- if you weren'tr 'ready' for the process... .
If you don't mind me asking... does he often make comments like that? If so- maybe you should get rid of HIM![I myself have considered the possibility for years now- w/ regrets.]

Any man whether kidding or not shouldn't say something like that. You have a right to be upset. However, you need to sit down and talk with him to see where he's at...was this an unplanned pregnancy, is he just flipping out at the thought of being a new dad, etc.?

KIDDING OR NO KIDDING THAT RESPONSE FROM ANYONE LET ALONE THE FATHER IS HORRID..... i WOULD FOR SURE BE UPSET YOU BET. AND HOPEFULLY HE DOESN'T HAVE THAT TYPE OF HUMOR ALL THE TIME. THINGS ARE NOT FUNNY WHEN THEY HURT OTHERS FEELINGS.

Yes, your husband was being totally insensitive. However, I would consider why. Does he have some fear about this pregnancy or reason he wouldn't want it that you two need to talk about? (Not that I ever think you should "get rid of it," but maybe he needs to express something he doesn't know how to.) Then, I would rationally tell him how you feel. (Don't get too emotional or he just won't hear you.) After that I think you kind of have to let it go. Tough, I know, but if you hold on to it you are only hurting yourself and baby.

You're totally justified in being ticked. Why would someone even say that about their own child?

Congrats by the way!

You are not ever reacting. Having been pregnant, with very much wanted children, I would be horrified if my husband ever said anything like that to me. I don't care if it was a joke. It is not a joking matter.

You may be more sensitive right now, but the most important thing is that he knows how you feel. If you have a loving relationship, you should be able to go to him and tell him that what he said really hurt. Be gentle, not attacking him for his behavior, but being honest.

Hi L., congratulations on your pregnancy. I would like to point out that this early in the pregnancy, it probably isn't real to your husband yet, as it is to you. Also the post that wondered if this is his sense of humor is an important consideration. His response may have been triggered by some fear on how his life will be changing. Mostly though, I am betting that it was sparked by reality not sinking in yet- it is your body that is changing, not his!

You have every right to be totally upset. That is not a comment that should ever be made especially in jest.

WOW! You totally have a right to be upset, and your husband has a LOT to learn about being married to a pregnant woman!!!!!

You have every right to be upset. If I were you I would have gone off on my husband. It was very inconsiderate of him to say that and he shouldn't have. I believe it may be a good idea to sit down and talk about your feelings of the baby. Make sure he understands how important it is and that you will need his full support, starting now.

I understand your concern. However, it was probably a combination of things that made him say something he hopefully didn't mean. Men process things differently than we do and whatever made him say it, he probably didn't think you'd be upset by it because no doubt, he wouldn't want to hurt your feelings intentionally...he is your husband and he loves you so give him the benefit of the doubt.

I sort of understand his comment. I'm prego with #2 and sometimes...I get sort of OD'd talking/reading/planning/worrying, etc...about the baby. On my mind 100% of my time is baby, baby, baby....all the time baby. I call it being "baby'd out". Sometimes, I just don't want to think about it because I feel like it's all I think about. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant and I LOVE being a mom. I just sometimes, need a break from it. Being pregnant, I can't get a break from it...so I sometimes don't want to talk/plan/read/worry, etc about a baby. Perhaps your hubby felt the same at that moment which played a part in his flip comment. Maybe he was just baby'd out or OD's on baby talk for a little and needed a break...which made a bad comment come out sort of lopsided and misunderstood. I have a male friend who is going through wedding planning and sometimes, he just wants to NOT be involved in the wedding plans, but it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married. He just gets OD'd on it...I think it's very common for men to feel this way about just about anything...wedding planning, shopping, supper plans, party planning, christmas present buying, and yes...even baby's.

So, try and give him a break...he didn't mean it and when he see's his beautiful baby in his arms, he'll be in so in love that even he'll wonder how he could ever have felt "baby'd out". Talk to him and clarify his feelings and thoughts about the baby to verify that he doesn't want to "get rid of it." I bet it was a simple case of being od'd on baby talk. Perhaps if he was od'ing on baby, maybe he thought you'd take even more offense to that even more so than his comment. Afterall, even my saying this sounds horrible...what women get's OD'd on baby talk?! My hubby and I have that understanding and we just tell each other..."Can we talk about something else right now?" When one of us says that, it means, we're baby'd out and need a break from it so we can process things in our mind. Having a baby is alot to process and our minds need time. :)

Hope this helps. :) Congrats to you both.

Can I just say that we ALL say things we regret and wish we hadn't?!?! Was he referring to the baby, or the pictures? my DH couldn't stand to look at pictures of babies in utero, it weirded him out. And My hubby is the kind where if I get mad he gets mad in defense and sadly sometimes lets me think one thing while he meant another, just to let me get even more mad! Remember too that we are hormonal, especially more so while pregnant and so maybe we read more into things, receive things differently than had we not been pregnant and hormonally raging. He's your DH, you married him, you love him. Honestly, you have a right to be upset but then also give him the benefit of the doubt. do you REALLY HONESTLY believe he meant it? Guys are doofuses when it comes to emotions. They just don't get it.
Best wishes with the new baby!!!!! :-)

Being pregnant entitles you to overreact a little and be a little more emotional about things. Your husband does not yet have the same connection with your child - you are growing him/her inside of you and yes of course you are more emotional being that you are pregnant... 6-7 weeks... you have a long road ahead of you. I guess I would use it as a learning lesson and realize that this will happen again. At least he noticed that this hurt you - a lot of guys would have blown you off. :)

L.,

You are the only one who truly knows your hubby. You know the tone in which he said it and his normal behavior. If he is a jokester and its one of the things you love about him. Let it slide I'm sure he was just joking. After all pre-birth pictures can be kind of gross. Yes!!! I know all about miracle of birth and how special it is, however, men usually don't have the "mother lovin instincts we do" to look past the pics. For example..... if I had to do it all over again. I wouldn't expect my hubby to come into the delivery room with me. It totally grossed him out and afterwards it put a damper on our sex life. He is an INCREDIABLE HUSBAND and loves me to pieces so this feeling of being grossed out really bothered him. As much as he loved me he couldn't get the pictures of birth out of his mind. For me it was really easy to relate to his feelings, becuase I almost threw up when I saw the plecenta. We were so excited about our kids that we didn't think much about it afterwards, but we did lose some intimacy. It took a little time to get it back. The point I wanted to make was that men are different and I don't think we as women should hold it against them. They don't get to feel the difference of a pregnancy. Its not real to them until the child is born. This is an expierence of a lifetime and if you truly want to share it with your husband. You need to tell him how you feel and really listen to how he feels. Ask him why he feels the way he does, and ask him how you can share this expierence together. This is just the beginning of a long adventure together. I would chat know about goals, expectations, and how you want to move forward as parents. Ask his thoughts and take them into consideration. If anything it will bring you closer together and thats what your looking for. Try not to expect him to be as excited as you just yet. Its not realistic, give him some time to let it all sink in. Good luck and best wishes for the future!

Get rid of the baby or the picture? Either is just stupid in my opinion on his part. What is he thinking about saying such a thing! I hope he said he was sorry and that he doesn't know why he said such a dumb thing. Does he not want this baby because that's how it comes across. I'm sorry you had to hear that from him. I hope things get better.

I was fuming just reading your post, I can't even begin to fathom what you must be feeling. I'm trying to see things from his side, maybe he's just freaked out about being a dad. Guys talk without thinking sometimes. I'm sure he's sitting alone right now thinking "damn, I should have said something better", but the moment has passed. Personally I'd give him the what-for, but I'm usually wrong. :P Give yourselves both some time to sit and think (and calm down) and then approach it again.

Congrats on the baby! I hope after some time he will see what a blessing this is. :) We're all here if you ever need someone to talk to. :)

I'm wondering, is this his NORMAL way to crack jokes or something? Is he usually one to use dark, sarcastic, dry humor? I'm not saying that it's acceptable, but if this is the way he is, then you probably shouldn't be surprised.

On the other hand, if this is totally out of character for him, you should talk to him and ask him where the h#ll THAT came from?!

The first 3 months are already nerve-racking enough without a bunch of insensitive and idiotic comments from someone you love. BUT, as long as he knows it hurt you, and he apologized, and hopefully he said that it would never happen again, you should try to just move on and get on with being your happy, pregnant self!

Congratulations!

No you are not overreacting. I wouldnt even joke about such a thing!

I would be hurt too, but I was also hurt when, during all three of my pregnancies, my husband seemed to pick up a time-intensive hobby that involved being away from home when I felt like I most needed him (and by golly, he should know that!). My husband wants kids more than I do, is very much the kind of guy you'd picture wanting marriage and kids. BUT...my pregnancies still freaked him out. I would definitely let your husband know how badly you were hurt by what he said, but if that comment was generally out of character, once he sees how hurtful it was, forgiving him might be in order. :)

Also--I am a high school teacher, and everyone told me it was sooo great to be pregnant at school since the kids would really think it was awesome. (These teachers had been pregnant 20 years ago.) Some of the kids WERE awesome--I received random gifts, and tons of kindness from most of my kids. But, one of the kids I was fairly close to insisted on telling dead baby jokes. The other kids were horrified, I was horrified, and for whatever reason, I just could NOT get this kid to see why it was wrong to do that when I was pregnant in particular! So I sometimes think that males in general not only don't "get" the whole attachment to baby thing, but they're missing it on a whole cosmic scale too! A lot of yelling and pressure from me and the other kids eventually stopped it. And once the baby was born, he was very sweet to the baby--one of the few kids that wasn't afraid of a newborn, strangely enough.

My husband said the same thing. No, not funny, but I don't think he was ready for the news and really knew how to process it. I told him that it offended me that he would say such a thing and I didn't think it was funny at all. Try not to take things like that too seriously. This early in pregnancy we are more sensitive. Now that I'm showing and my husband has had time to process he told me how excited he is for the third one. He will come around, just give him a little time.

the answer to your questions is yes. You are overreacting, as a result of those wonderful hormones, had he said it when you werent pregnant, you probably would have laughed it off with him, but it was an inconsiderate thing to say to someone who just found out they are pregnant and I would have been upset too. Men dont understand the whole hormone thing, so be prepared to cry alot!! My hubby thought he was a stand up comedian when I was pregnant, but learned by the 4th time he wasnt that funny after all. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing to go thru, but those hormones can be killers on our minds. You will overreact more and more and cry over every commerical the tv has with the slightest heart tugging moment in it. lol Dont let him get away with anything, though and make sure to have a craving or two at 2am. ;) Congrats!

You have the right to your feelings. Pregnancy is a very emotional time and you need his support.

When I was pregnant my husband told me he that "he loved me less now than before I was pregnant." I cried for days. He didn't really mean it, but it hurt just the same. He was feeling sorry for himself because I didn't have the energy I had before. He was pretty much incharge of all the household duties and was missing our shared partership.

well... sometime while you are driving... you know? so he is slightly distracted by something else and not forced to have a face to face talk... you should bring it up. tell him how upset it made you feel, that it wasnt at all funny, and you would just like a real apology and for him to swear that he didnt mean it and will never say anything like that again.

i dont think you are being crazy... i have an aweful feeling in the pit of my stomach after just hearing about this. so you are not being crazy to be upset over this. its a big deal for someone to say that and expect you to accept that he was just kidding.

anyway, guys have a lot of emotions about a pregnancy too... and obviously some dont react ... the right way. i hope it was just a very bad joke. but you should be clear about it.
good luck :D

Sometimes it is hard for guys to get the emotional feelings of a pregnant woman, especially when you are so newly pregnant. It probably just doesn't seem real to him yet. It also takes them time to get emotionally involved in the pregnancy, sometimes they just don't get as excited until the baby is born. Just remember you are very hormonal right now, and you might have reacted in a way that you would not have if you were not pregnant..... BTW..... is he really an idiot? And if so.... why did YOU marry and make a baby with an idiot?

You have the right! He needs a filter from his brain to his mouth.

i would be up set even if he was kidding. i know we all react abit different when we are pregnant but they are still our feeling and people have to understand that.