Is It Anxiety or Not?? (5 Year Old Boy!)

You HAVE to keep reminding them that NO ONE is good at everything AND.....that no one is perfect. Remind them that MANY inventions, etc. are the result of mistakes. There is a book about them that you might want to get. Keep reminding that VERY few people get it right the first time. It takes practice and practice and practice....at just about EVERYTHING

When you make a mistake, acknowlege it in front of him, if the opportunity is there and appropriate. He'll realize that he can accept "less than perfect".

You have to ask yourself if his problem is keeping him from functioning. Everyone has anxiety, it becomes a clincial issue when the person is unable to do what they need to do to function. It does not sound as if his problem is that severe. If he were not able to go to school, or not able to go to a pubic place, or not able to socialize outside the family and/or he tries to impose these restrictions on other people too (gets anxious when a sibling goes on stage, or won't let Mom leave the house, for example) then you can say that the anxiety has reached a level that it needs treatment. It is a matter of degree. There are kids who are somewhere in between "typical" and "severe" and if he falls into this category, you will have to be the judge of how difficult this problem makes his life, is he happy anyway? If he is not, or it worries him to not participate, then you may decide to treat anyway. I have spoken to many adults who spent their childhoods afraid of everything, who seek treatment as adults, and who are regretful that they did not get that help as children. So the message is, don't be afraid to treat if you think that this effects his life to such a degree that he is not happy and absolutely treat if he cannot function.

M.

It could be anxiety, and it might be worth taking him to see someone, if only for an evaluation. If he has had a history of medical troubles - thank goodness he is in remission :), it could be related to that, even though it has been a long time since that was an issue.

I have a 6 year old that has been acting out, mostly against myself and my husband, and I decided to take him to a counseler, and after the evaluation, she believes he does have some anxiety (related to his grandpartent's divorce which started early last year), and she is working with our family to help him with what he needs. it is about a 3 - 6 month process, but honestly, she said it really is best that we brought him in now, rather than waiting until he is older, where it could turn into a full blown disorder.

anyway, my 2 cents - i can get you her information if you would like - she specializes in children ages 0-12.

-T.
http://FindUrSmile.com
http://MamaWorksFromHome.NET

I am so glad to hear your boy's cancer is in remission. Considering all of the stress he and your family must have gone through, it sounds like he is doing remarkably well! Going to kindergarten presents so many new things, and a lot of stimulation. As he likes it and is doing well, it sounds like he is fine. I don't know if perfectionism is the problem, but it does sound like too much is expected of these small souls to comply and conform and to do what the adults think they should all do. We all, including children, need to be allowed to be ourselves. If he doesn't want to participate in some of the activities you mentioned, he should be given the dignity to abstain, in my opinion. You can remind him that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay, and also understand how overwhelming the whole experience of school must often be. Sounds like you have a great little guy!!

Your son could be suffering from some anxiety. It's actually pretty normal for kids his age to feel somewhat anxious when something out of the ordinary occurs. It sounds like his anxiety comes when as you said, attention is being drawn to him. It's pretty common in most kids to feel uncomfortable in such situations whewre they could be embarrassed such as singing or speaking in front of a group of people. Anxiety over those things is common even in adults. I'd try to have him practice singing or speaking as in giving a report in front of our family. Give him a lot of encouragement and praise. Could there be anything from his ordeal with cancer that could be contributing to this? I know you said that's all behind you now, but it may not be in his mind. Kids keep memories of traumatic experiences tucked away. He may still have some fear or insecurity because of what he went though. You didn't say what all he went through with the illness, treatment and all leading up to the remisson. However, I'm sure it was hard on all of you. He may need to talk about some feelings he may still have over all of that. You might try to talk to him about it, see if their are any issues related to that which are contributing to his not being comfortable in new situations, and maybe even his desire to make things perfect. As far as his being a perfectionist, I would tell him it's okay to make mistakes, everyone does make mistakes, and that we learn by making mistakes, things of that nature. Let him know that it's okay not to be perfect and that people will love him even when he makes mistakes. I don't know if any ofd this helps, but I wish you all the best.

he sounds like me when i was younger. i was born with melonoma cancer & had it removed when i was 11. i overheard the docs telling my mom,granny, & granddaddy, that i would be lucky to have 6months left. after my surgery i felt the need to have everything in order because i was scared if i died that i didn't want to leave a mess. well, i am 31 now & still kickin'. i still like to leave things tidy but no where near as bad as when i was younger. as far as the anxiety to new things, they went hand in hand for me. my mom made me join a "social group"(play group) and i can't thank her enough. i'd still be living in a shell if she hadn't. I hope my story can help you in any way. God be with you.

All you can do is attempt to get him involved in lots of group related activities. Eventually he will take part in the group activities and outgrow some of the shy, introvert, actions he is displaying at this time.
Perfectionism is a little more difficult to overcome. He needs to learn there is a time frame involved in most activities. If the project is complete fine if not he must leave it behind and move on to something else. Show him from example that it is better to dust around the items on the table and run a quick vacuum through the room without vacuuming under items etc., because someone is coming and the house isn't clean. Show him on occasion it is all right to stick the dirty dishes in the oven because they didn't get washed before someone was coming and to just wipe off the table and counters. You are running late this morning and don't have time to make the beds etc., before you have to leave the house so shut the bedroom door, stick the dishes in the oven, and leave. Tonight we are running behind and don't have time to fix a really good meal so we are having Beef Stew out of a can, buttered bread and canned peaches for dinner. We are eatting on throw away plates with plastic utensils because we have to go someplace tonight and are in a hurry.
Prove to him by your own actions not everything has to be done perfectly in order to be acceptable and involve your spouse and other family members to display the same, "there it is done for now and move on attitude" with different objects and activities at least one time a day. Keep in mind you can't scold the other children for not perfectly done work either (have them/decide with them what the projects are to be daily! We set the examples. On the other hand he might just be a neat freak.

My 5 y/o is having his own problems. He is doing awesome with everything except taking his time with his school work. I think it's something they go through, their one weakness shines bright when going through new situations. My son smiles and becomes the class clown but his school work suffers greatly. It probably is anxiety but I don't think it's enough to do more about than what your doing as long as you feel comfortable with it. Know that you are Mom and can make the best decisions for him because you know him best. Hang in there! The stress of new school and new routines and rules will ware off soon. Best wishes!

No, it isn't anxiety, it's just him. He may be more cautious and personal about some things in life, which as he gets older, is to his and your advantage. Don't worry or push it. In the big picture, all the important aspects are being fulfilled. He may not go into drama club, but he may excell in a plethora of other activities. As he gets older, knows people better, feels more confident about those other areas, he'll do what he needs to do. It's just maybe not his bag now, and it may never be. We all have speciality areas or comfort zones, and his classmantes and friends will know his strengths and appreciate him for them. He sounds like an extrodinary child! Relax and enjoy! My oldest was a perfectionist to the point that she drove me crazy....and she was born that way. At 26 she is constantly active, excells and has always had the highest regard of all her employers and teachers and classmates. She is a leader, not a follower. My other two, well, I can only say that though the world spins around them in my eyes, I often wish they had an eighth of the self motivation and perfectionism she did!

I know that he is your third child and you have been through all of the school issues before, but, is he young to be in kindergarten? My son went when he was five (birthday is in April.) Academically he did great. But he didn't participate in gym class, would rather talk to the teachers at recess, didn't like doing certain activities, and did not want to go. Turns out, after A LOT of discussion with his teacher, he wasn't ready for kindergarten. We had him do it again. He is doing so great now. He is in fourth grade, getting A's and B's, is social without it being disruptive, and is great about going to school.
All in all, it may be anxiety, but not necessarily the way you think. Talk to his teacher and see what she/he thinks.

Has he always been this way, not liking to be the center of attention? If so, respect that it might just be how he is. My younger daughter didn't like having happy birthday sung to her since she also didn't like being the center of attention. She is now 18,and has been very well-adjusted her whole life. I just didn't sing to her on her birthday. I didn't force her to be the center of attention.
If he hasn't always been this way, it could still be related to the cancer. Even though 1 1/2 years seems like a long time to us, it is a good bit of his life. I have learned that as children grow,more brain cells develop, and have to understand what has happened to them. He basically has to get his new mind around it. I'm sure he went through treatment, and it wasn't always pleasant for him. He has to make sense of that all over again. Does he understand his current health situation? I'm just guessing here.
Good luck,
R.

I agree with Martha's information, and it sounds like your son is doing a great job. I wanted to add that silliness can be a big help, especially at his age, in combatting perfectionism. Make a silly game out of making mistakes (wrinkling up paper and then smoothing it out and writing on it anyway, for example).
His opting out of activities may be a very healthy way for him to keep control over things. If he is having lots of anticipatory anxiety (e.g. before picture day) or worrying a lot, you might need different techniques. Congrats on the remission!!

Perfectionism can be part of what's going on. Is it a problem? I mean, does it take him forever to get work done because he's so picky about it? Does he stress out if it's not perfect?

If it's a problem, look at yourself (or your husband) first. Are you picky about things? Does the house have to be kept just so? If so, loosen up. A little dust and clutter never hurt anyone.

My oldest is 9 and has similar characteristics as your guy - we've been there! (And still work on it!) There really isn't anything you can do to prevent perfectionism - just help him to manage it so that it compliments his personality - it can be a good trait if used well. It is who he is, and trying to change that will just create frustration and conflict. Just help him learn how to work with it and be proud of who he is! Good luck!

Hi J.,

My 7 year old has Selective Mutism, which is an anxiety issue. It doesn't seem as though he has all of the signs...but you might want to google the disorder. I haven't hear enough about your son to think that it is....just so often, we don't know where to look, so that is why I commented. If you need to talk more about it, or think it may be the same, I am here for you to contact.

thank you,

A.