E.B.
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Homeschools are bastions of perfectionism. Sorry.
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My 10 year old daughter is driving us crazy with her perfectionism and low tolerance level when she doesn't understand something immediately! We have been dealing with this since she was a toddler but is just seems to be getting worse. She is so hard on herself and nothing my husband or I say or do seems to help. If she misses one question on a test, she feels that she has failed. I am worried that she will grow up to be an anxiety ridden adult and I don't want that for her - I know from experience because I tend to be a perfectionist and have fought all my adult life to deal with it and relax! We go out of our way to reassure her that we don't care if she misses all the questions on a test, that the important thing is that she enjoy learning and that we love her no matter what.
I have tried to do research on the internet but so much of what I have found is tied to kids with ADD and/or social anxieties - neither of which she has. She is mostly a very bright, well-adjusted, social kid. If any of you moms have experienced a similar situation and found some things that helped - or if you have any recommended books, I would really appreciate hearing from you! Thank you!
Thank you for your responses. Just hearing that others are experiencing it with their children helps! We have already started to implement some of the suggestions. I know it will be a long process but I would rather start helping her now rather than later. It's interesting that, although she had no idea that I had asked Mamasource, she came to me with a question that she wanted to send to the American Girl advice column. It was asking if other girls were perfectionists and wondering how they handle the anxiety. I thought - wow, what a good idea on her part to ask her peers! Anyway, thank you and good luck to all you parents out there with little perfectionists!!
Homeschools are bastions of perfectionism. Sorry.
My son is 5 and he is a little perfectionist. So is my husband though. So, we, too, are having a little bit of a hard time dealing with it. I want to help him, but I don't know how. So, I'm not much help, but I do know what you are going through. Good luck!
Bright children are often perfectionist, to the point of not even trying to do something or having a fear of doing something new for a fear of failure (in their minds, of course). My son (almost 8) is definetly like this! Every new activity has him asking, "are you sure I will like it?"
Try getting things wrong, making mistakes in front of her (spilling milk, forgetting something at home and turning around for it, messing up a recipe and eating it anyway)and making a joke of it. Let her know that it is okay to not be perfect. Share stories of your own imperfections or of things she was not good at when she was little but has improved at now.
She may be a bit old for them now, but we loved the "I love you stinky face" books. They always ask the mom, "what if..." and the mom always responds with a reassuring I will still love you no matter what type of answer in a silly way.
I had a student in one of my first grade classes who was challenged by his parent to get one wrong on his spelling test each week for a month, just for fun. It worked wonders for him!
Collaboration and less concentration on solitary work might help shift focus from self toward group. Work and play will be less about (and less reliant on) ones abilities or inabilities. Group work and play focuses on an overall objective, and valuing how parts contribute to a whole. Appreciating how every one counts. But also appreciating that things get done in spite of mistakes or shortcomings. Improvisation is good too! If you are homeschooling, you can read up on theories from Montessori and Waldorf for wholistic theories. Also, the suggestion of martial arts, meditation and yoga are also good practices to teach teh mind about flow and process, and taking things one step at a time. Acceptance vs. deciding bfore hand what is "right" and not being flexible and allowing for change. Good stuff!
I wonder how much time she spends with other children her age. My husband was an only child & was not able to attend school for almost 2 years~they lived in Spain. As a result of mainly socializing with adults he had adult or perfect expectations of himself.
Also what do you do to relax individually & as a family? Since you are aware of your own perfectionism & difficulty with relaxing I would model the behaviour you want her to learn by looking into meditation, stress management or relaxation classes.
I appreciate your interest in helping her learn this important skill at an early age.
I teach adults stress management & I see firsthand the impact of stress on our mental & physical health.
This might sound odd, but have you tried signing her up for something that she will be awful at up front? Golf, for instance, is not typically something people are good at right away. A pottery class where she has to use the wheel? Karate? It's a good way to learn patience with yourself and accept that it's okay to make mistakes as you learn and/or you might have to work a long time on something to get it right.
Or, more group activities where she has to allow others to make decisions and even if she doesn't agree with those decisions because they aren't 'right or perfect' (in her mind) that the end result will still be just fine. Volunteer organizations, girl scouts, drama/theatre groups, Sunday school/youth groups, etc.
Having been a perfectionist growing up and having a hard time dealing with criticism (the two usually go hand-in-hand), team activities are extremely helpful in letting go of the need to control everything and have it perfectly your way......and allow peers and other adults to chime in on her ideas....just throwing out some thoughts I had.
