Is It Normal to Feel This Way? - Ogdensburg,NY

I was going to write but then odd1 one said it best so I will just add kudos to her post.

You may consider therapy

I'm a control freak. I get it. I like things my way.

However, what would happen if they are off your schedule? What is the worst outcome if the girls do absolutely nothing you intended for a few hours?

If you don't let go, your marriage will suffer. Your girls will miss out on grandparent time and more people to love them.

Here's some food for thought: your inability to trust has nothing to do with whether or not the grandparents can "handle" them both. What is it really about?

Since you asked, I'm going to go with "totally crazy". You need to figure out how to relax. So what if once in awhile grandma doesn't follow YOUR schedule. The world will continue to turn, I promise. As long as the kids are alive, well, and happy a little flexibility is a good thing.

You need to channel that excesive energy elsewhere. I too am a control freak and can tell you from experience, it will consume you if you don't start to let go now. Join a gym, take yoga, go for a run, take your pick, but pick one. You need to learn to relax and unwind. As SAHM's we tend to take everything on and then truly believe no one can do it better and that isn't necessarily so. They will do it differently, but get it done. Let go. You said it yourself, both moms have more than 1 child and they raised all of you just fine, right? And what is the worst that can happen, the girls will be off your schedule for a few hours. Big deal. Let me let you in on a little secret....grandma's will take kids off their schedules regardless of what you say....why....because the do things differently and will spoil their grandbabies with love and they'll let them have extra time up with grandma. Let it go. You cannot control everything and somethings gotta give. Even more so, because you and your husband need the time together. It sounds like you have forgotten who you are as a woman. You are not just a mom, and it is so easy to get caught up in the kids and just lose yourself. I've been there, I think we all have been at one point or another. Be the woman your husband fell in love with, be the woman you know is inside you and go have a wonderful afternoon with your husband. If you find that you cannot and you are overwhelmed or won't, I would think about seeing someone for that issue.

I know that this is going to be hard for you, but keep in mind that your mothers raised YOU two, so they did a good job the first time around right? They do not need to follow YOUR schedule exactly. Having your children with their grandparents for one afternoon isn't going to ruin their lives forever.

If they eat lunch at 12:30 instead of noon because they are in the middle of a really good story, it's not the end of the world.

If they don't take a nap that day, they will survive (although they will be cranky that night).

If your older daughter gets 2 cookies instead of 1, she'll be fine.

Just keep telling yourself that this is YOUR issue, not your mother's issue. If this level of anxiety plagues your life in other areas, consider seeking-out help. This will only get worse as your daughters get older. They will be pulling for more independence and continuing to hold tight will damage your relationship with them and make them anxious like you.

Go out for lunch and try to relax. Resist the urge to call. You'll only be gone for a couple of hours. Leave a written outline of the kids' schedule (general, not overly detailed) and resist the urge to ask about whether or not they followed it when you get home. If that works out well, then schedule the massage. Take it one outing at a time. If you need to start smaller than that, ask your mom to watch the girls for an hour while you run to the grocery store.

No, this is not normal, but it's not totally crazy either. My mother and father can handle the kids easily, but they are relatively young for grandparents. In fact, they are flying up from FL next weekend to take the kids away for two days so that we can have a little break! My MIL cannot. She can handle them together for about an hour, but any longer than that is tough on her. She's older and has told us that she is happy to take them separately for longer periods of time, but together is hard on her. We respect both of their limits and we also respect the fact that when it comes to parenting, they have more experience than we do and we don't belittle their efforts or make them feel like we don't trust them. That's (in my opinion) disrespectful to your parents!

As long as both parents are capable and not drug addicts, alcholics, etc, I do not see what the big deal is? I understand you want things done your way, you worry they cannot handle them both - is this becuase of a health issue or something? Because by your posts, it sounds like both sides of the family have more than 1 child, thus they were able to handle more than 1 kid of their own years ago - and you guys all made it to adulthood okay! I understand being nervous and not having your schedule followed, but I'd try to give that up or relent on that for a day in order to enjoy yourself. Otherwise once they get older and are in school, you are going to have a breakdown because you will not be able to control all aspects of school. You are lucky to be close to both sets of parents and I bet your kids woud love some time with both sets of parents without you guys. They will spoil them - which means they may give them ice cream if/when you don't want them to, let them watch cartoons, etc. If there are certain things you'd like to happen "Could you read them this book?" or "Bath them at 7pm", write those things down. But if you try to control too much, you may make your mother in law feel like you do not trust her, feel like she is competent, etc and that would really be offensive. I assume your mother/father know you are this way and this concerned as you are their daughter, but if not, talk, to them beforehand.

Enjoy your anniversary!! It's very important to keep your relationship with hubby strong and if you can't ever get out of the house and out of mom mode, that is hard. This is worth if for the both of you!!!

WOW!!!!!!!!! You really need to find some balance in your life because NO I don't think it is normal to feel/be this way. So by reading this I have gathered you have never had anyone watch your children, that in itself seems like a problem. Even moms and dads need time to be married, it is important. Kids need time with the grandparents. They may not do things like you but this is ok they need to know that there is more than one way of doing things. My son loves to go to my parents to stay overnight which he does about once a month and my mother n law comes to watch him at our house maybe once a month. It is very important that they learn how to be with other people when you and your husband are not around. What will happen when they start school, they will not have a clue how to do it without you. Maybe you should find someone to talk to about your control issues.

Normal? Yep.
Leeetle bit on the crazy train? Also, yep.

Now... if both your kids are austistic, erase the crazy train comment. If NOT... then my SUGGESTION is to use these (and other) opportunities as teaching moments to GRADUALLY ACCLIMATE them (and you!!!) into being flexible and able to adapt, instead of so rigid that they (and you) are unable to adapt to changing circumstance.

Think of it as 'prepping for kindergarten'.

________

Something to consider: PPD often expresses as extreme anxiety (and will often also trip people into Anxiety + OCD) INSTEAD of 'classic' depression. Both your kids are still young enough that PPD is a very real possibility.

One of the 'tells' is that your schedule is ruling your life, instead of your life ruling your schedule. Being completely inflexible, and unable to deviate from an artifical schedule is a BIG RED FLAG that your hormones have tripped you into PPD expressing as Anxiety with or without OCD tendencies.

Am I diagnosing you after a couple paragraphs? Nope. But it's something to consider.

Is it HARD letting go of absolute (or even degrees) of control? Of course. Most mom's end up staying up all night the first day before preschool / Kindergarten/ driving tests/ leaving for college. Most mom's WIG (and cannot enjoy themselves) the first several times they leave their infant/child with a sitter (for any reason). Just like kids we have to LEARN trust.

Where it changes from normal to 'you might want to think about seeing a professional'... is when you find yourself completely unwilling or unable to let go, even for a few hours. At that point, that's when flags start going up.

I have come along way with control and I've just let it go. You need to do the same for your sanity.

I have a teenager - I needed her to help me do the dishes - yet I tried to control how she did the dishes, so she wouldn't do them. I find it best to leave the room and not "see" her do the dishes. Just this morning, when I unloaded them after she did them yesterday, I cringed . . . but then realized, just because she doesn't do them like I do them, put all the bowls together, big plates then little plates - it doesn't matter they are all clean at the end of the day.

I also have a baby - if I want help with her, I can't control how others do it - what they put on her, what shoes/socks with what outfit, etc.

I like the pillows on the couch a certain way, my hubby throws them on any old way. I should be thankful he puts the pillows on the coach for me. Same with our bed. I know only "care" if someone's coming over haha.

It's a lot of self talk, that it's ok. Nothing bad will happen and you'll get through it. I've come along way from my first and have let go of a lot to be able to get everything done. Good luck.

No one wants to leave their babies or children. However, most of us understand that our kids will need to be out of care at some point, and that those caring for her will do their best to abide by our wishes, but we are also flexible & grateful enough for the help that we understand if something doesn't go as planned.

What you described sounds crippling, and not normal. I tend to agree with the suggestions of counseling.

I get it, and it's exhausting, right? So yeah, this is very common, but as you are already aware, you need to modify this to be able to have quality time with hubby and just for your peace of mind.

What I learned to do is to look at my list of routines/schedules, and prioritize it. What is MOST important to you for them to do. It's totally reasonable (and probably helpful) to have some things to do, timeframes in which to do them, and meals or whatever. Jot a list of those down, and make sure they are reasonable (perhaps by having hubby or another 3rd party look it over). And then do things to help facilitate that. Have some food ready to go, activities set up, etc.

Please try hard to do this, for all of you. If your mothers only spend time running around trying not to stress you out, and they will never meet your standards, no one will have fun. Let them know what's most important to you, and then let the rest go. And appreciate them for being grandmas, your kids are lucky to have them. Good luck!

I suspect many moms feel this way. Even if it's "normal" it's not comfortable. Instead of using terms like normal/not normal, right/wrong I ask is this working for me. Obviously the way you feel is not working for you because it's making you uncomfortable.

I suggest that counseling will help you learn how to let go of some of your need to be in nearly total control. My first counselor asked me why I felt that the world was not a safe place. I learned that I had control issues. Counseling helped me let go and enjoy much more of life than I was up to that point.

I also have an anxiety issue and medication has helped me be less anxious about everyday happenings.

You deserve to have a more relaxed and enjoyable time with your children. I suggest finding a counselor who can help you deal with your anxiety and need to be in control.

So, what if something happened to you? What if you--or heaven forbid you AND your husband-- were hit by a car and had to be in the hospital for an extended period of time? You realize that by not allowing anyone else to watch your kids, you are setting them up to be traumatized twice if the above scenario took place--first because you would be hurt and second by having to stay with someone they are not used to.

You are not doing your children any favors by keeping them with you all the time. You are insulting your ILs by telling them through your choices that they are not to be trusted with your children. You are harming your marriage by putting it second to your anxiety about being away from your children. You are harming yourself by allowing this anxiety to rule your life.

This is not attachment parenting. I practiced AP when my kids were little, too, but the goal is to help them be independent, not stuck to you like glue.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, try 'hearing" my comments with a gentle and concerned voice, not an accusatory one. You know in your heart that you are not helping your children by acting this way, so if you need a nudge to tell you that what you are doing is actually harmful I hope it help you have a nicer time with your husband on your date. He needs your undivided attention, don't shortchange him by worrying about the kids the whole time, even if you have to fake til you believe it yourself. And for goodness sakes, don't let the kids see you stressed out about leaving them, or it will be very hard for them to adjust being away from you.

And screw schedules. Your kids aren't going to look back on their childhoods and praise you for a regular bedtime schedule at the expense of time with their grandparents..

You might consider counseling. Not to be mean or put you down in any way but this seems to be a bit extreme. Not within what most would be like. I wonder if you were ever cared for by someone that didn't take god care of you and you felt afraid. It could have been even when you were a baby.

I think that not even letting your family watch your kids so you can leave the house for a couple of hours is very telling as to how much this interferes with normal activities. They can't have a baby sitter even when you go for your yearly check ups and have to get naked....just saying, the way you put it to us is that you cannot let them out of your sight except for hubby a few minutes at a time every now and then.

I think this is significant to you or you would not have asked. That's what I'm trying to say. I think it is serious enough that you might want to go and talk to some one a few times. Not long term, just sort of a check up to make sure you are not being to compulsive or too protective. I'm not saying you are, just saying it might be nice to go talk to someone who can help you decide if this is abnormal or totally normal.

It sounds like you are highly anxious and you "manage" it by being very controlling. It's not "normal" but you're not alone. A lot of people suffer from anxiety, some more than others, and some to the extreme.
I think when your anxiety starts to affect your daily life then it's time to get help. Many young mothers have a hard time leaving their children, but the fact that it's hard for you to leave even just for an afternoon isn't healthy. It's not only stressful for you but will likely put stress on your marriage and other relationships.
Try taking baby steps. Go out with your husband as planned and enjoy yourself. Hopefully after a few times you will start to relax and it will get easier. I still, to this day, get very anxious right before I travel anywhere without my kids (and they're teenagers now!) but I recognize it, and I try to not let it get to me. Once I'm on the trip I'm just fine, it's all the "what if's" that go through my mind before I leave that causes me the most stress.
If you find that you continue to be anxious anytime you're away from your kids, and you are NOT able to relax at all, then please think about seeing a therapist. My daughter saw someone for her anxiety last year and it was SO worth it!

Yep we are both crazy in that way :) my situation is a little different in that I didn't have the opportunity to get help so I took it all on myself. My husband did and still does work long hours so I could stay home with our daughter, now 5 and in school. My mom passed in 02 and im not close to my dad. My husbands parents are here but they do not speak english and her ideas of taking care of lil ones isn't the same as mine. Plus my sil basically has kids for her to take care of and I didn't want to add to it. I too felt I needed to do everything all on my own and was a zombie for about 3 years, literally! Now that she is in kindergarten I have all the time in the world and it is weird! I told my husband we need a puppy or something because im so used to cleaning up after someone im lost! I have a 16 yr old also but life was different back then and I had my moms help. Talk about a shock 10 yrs later when it was all on me. I will say to let go and let them help you but im not sure if I could have either? I still don't like leaving her I have major guilt. Im not much help but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and I've been there. When they start kindergarten it will get easier :)

When my first baby was about 2 weeks old, my mom suggested that my husband and I go out for a walk while she and my dad took care of my infant. It was hard to do, but we did it and my mom was right - everything was okay. She raised three kids and did a pretty good job. Of course, she can handle one! Over time, we left him to go out to dinner, than overnight, then a weekend away. The longest we have gone is leaving Friday and back on Monday but it has been built over 6 years. Of course, we have another baby now also - so now she gets two of them!

I would suggest one of two options: start slowly and work towards being gone for a full day or overnight - whatever a grandma can handle OR get counseling. Working your way up on your own, with your husband's encouragement is cheaper and would allow you to spend the money on counseling on having some fun as a couple. BUT, if you can't do that - then definitely get some counseling.

Its normal to feel that way, and not leaving your children with other people is actually a parenting philosophy, called attachment parenting. I felt better when I found that out, I read an interesting book on it called Beyond the Sling. I dont subscribe to everything in the book, especially when they got into not giving vaccines, ect., but I totally agreed with the part about keeping your kids with you. After a very bad experience leaving my oldest daughter with my mother, we dont allow anyone to watch our kids anymore. The only time my dd has been babysat is while I was in labor with her brother, even then my dh was going back and forth from the hospital to.check on her. If we want to go out, we just take the kids with us, or have our alone time after they are in bed. If you look at the grand scheme of life, your children are young for such a small amount of time, its really not that big of a deal to just watch them yourself.
I just wanted to add I dont think theres anything wrong with using a sitter, especially if you have close family you can trust, I just dont feel comfortable with it. Like you I dont trust people to follow my instructions, I worry for my kids safety when they are with someone else, and I really feel that when a baby is still young enough to be nursing, baby should really be with mom, or dad if mom has something urgent to do.

I just read through the other post and wanted say I dont think anyone need counseling because they dont want to be away from their 6 month old baby. If your kids were 16 and 18 and you still felt this way then maybe.

I think it is normal to feel a little uptight about things, I do too, sometimes. But you need to just realize that others who watch your kids are going to do things differently than you. Your schedule may not work for them. They may not be able to handle them both at the same time on YOUR schedule, but they will do just fine handling them both at the same time on THEIR schedule. Kids are resilient and they will adjust.

Take advantage of the time to yourself!! Enjoy it - there are many moms out there who don't have the luxury of having their mom/MIL handy/nearby to be able to watch their kids when needed. Let your girls enjoy their time with Grandmas and just let it be :-) Good luck - easier said than done, isn't it? :-D