Is My 2 Year Old Son's Life Ruined?

my daughter was extremely shy.. so my job as a mom was to socialize her..

we went to an actiivity every day.. it had to be free or cheap as I could pay for fun things to do every day.. we went to library story times, music class, playgroups.. we found an excellent playgroup run by the school district.. $5 per week play in a classroom with a teacher, story time.. snack.. I stayed with her and she felt comfortable..

she started daycare preschool at 3 .. she screamed and cried for 6 drop offs.. and was miserable for a while but she adjusted .. she goes into school confidently now.. (at 4)

So.. your son needs practice.. practice practice.. sign up for classes... go to story times join a moms club.. try playgroups.. you have to get him out there aroung people.. that is the only way to get him feeling confident..

Oh gosh no, his life is so not "ruined!"

Your son is normal. People seem to want kids to fit into this mold, where they behave well, perform a few "cute" tricks, and generally make their parents looks good.
Your son doesn't know how to act around unfamiliar people - what is wrong with that? Children are not born with all of their social skills in place - and quite frankly, I think there is too high of a premium placed on "socialization" and independence from a very young age.

Allow your son to warm up to new people in his own time. Understand and respect that sometimes he might not. You can give him a gentle nudge, like asking if he would like to say hello, but don't force him.

I would let the school idea go for now. It sounds like he will benefit most from being with you. Take him to library storytimes, the park, maybe even try a class, depending on what his interests are. As long as it is something where you can remain close to him, to help him navigate.

My daughter has always been leery of strangers, and even people who she has met before, but only sees infrequently. I respected her feelings (even though people made rude and critical remarks, and tried to diagnose her with various disorders) and she is slowly becoming more outgoing.
I would allow her to stick close to me, and tell people "she's not feeling social right now" or "give her a while to warm up."
When she was your son's age she would rarely speak to people - now, if they give her the opportunity and she feels comfortable with the person, she will talk their ear off! We naturally gravitated toward those who understood and respected her personality.

I know it is uncomfortable, and you may feel concerned for your son, as well as judged by others. Some people are just a bit more introverted. Allow your son to be himself and he will shine!

Not being comfortable with people that do not live in your home is perfectly ok when you are 2! My daughter was the same way. She would look down and start messing with her shirt when anyone tried talking to her. If she was busy with her shirt, no one could interact with her, and that is what she wanted. She was very uncomfortable talking or looking at people she didn't know.

She is now going into 2nd grade, reading on a 6th grade level, doing piano recitals in front of crowds of 50, and competitively swimming in front of hundreds. Occasionally, she still gets shy or uncomfortable (my husband and I always said she was "reserved").

Not to scare you, but have you talked to the doc about things like aspergers and social anxiety?

Just a thought, I am sure it is nothing serious, but it never hurts to ask the doc if it is a possibility. Better to catch things early ya know.

Good luck

No your son't life is not ruined. If it were my child I would have him IMMEDIATEDLY have him evaluated by a competent child psychologist. He is so young that any issues that may exist have time to be addressed and worked with. If you chose to do nothing you will be making your childs life much tougher than it needs to be.

On another note, your post sounded super anxious, and as a parent I get it. Have you considered getting some help yourself? It will make parenting alot easier. Good luck.

Hi there,
My son was very similar at 2. I always thought he had an anti-social issue. He never wanted anyone to talk to him or touch him either. But now that he's 3, he is still very shy but he DOES now look at people at play with other children. He'll he completely shock me once in a while and hug someone he barely knows. So just give it some time. Even though he's very shy, do your best to get him involved in play dates and maybe a park district class where he's forced to at least be in a room with other kids and people. Obviously, you don't want to traumatize him by leaving him alone, but at least do your best to expose him some more. Don't worry about what other people think either! It was sometimes hard to ignore people comparing my outgoing daughter to my shy guy, but he's a fantastic kid and I'm very proud of him. So just give it some time and try not to worry too much.
Best Wishes!
E.

Give the school a chance. My son was very, very shy as well. he started nursery school at 3, and although there were tears at drop off for about 7-10 day, he grew to like it. He made lots of friends. Don't get me wrong--he didn't turn into the most outgoing kid in the class overnight but it definitely helped him. Good luck!

My daughter will be 14 in two months and she was very very shy. Still now she is not the social butterfly but it is better. The thing that worked for her was sports. She is all about the diamond and plays both baseball and softball. My suggestion is go through the park and rec in your area and see what programs they offer. Since he is only 2 ther will probably be mommy and me but the more exposure he gets the better. It will take time but his life is not ruined. Have fun with him!!! Try not to worry and good luck.

My son gets anxious around strangers too, even kids that are smaller than him. He is okay watching other kids play or even playing side-by-side, but if a kid he just met tries to touch him he gets really upset. If someone even barely brushes against him he will come running to me looking so offended!

Make sure you aren't feeding into his fears. I had to start making a conscious effort to act like it's no big deal. I tell him the kid touched him because they want to be his friend, or so on. Sometimes I will even walk him back over and sit behind him so he can continue to play.

With adults, sometimes you have to tell them to back off, and let your son get used to them. We have a lot of family who we won't see for months at a time, and my son is shy with them at the beginning of every visit. It helps to look at photos ahead of time and remind him of who everyone is. Even then it still takes him a while to warm up to them from a distance before he wants to play with them or sit on their laps. Sometimes relatives tend to mob a kid without considering how overwhelming it can be!

As for school, my son was in daycare from about 18 months until he was 2 years old. The first day was rough, but after he got used to the kids in his class, he actually wanted to go. After a week or so he was actually playing with other kids, and I was shocked. Just be patient, it will get easier, don't worry!

Your dramatic subject line got my attention. ;-) Of course his life is not "ruined"! Why would you think so? We're so hard on ourselves as moms and we worry about everything. You've received great advice already - I just wanted to second it.

One of my children has/had Selective Mutism, a Social Anxiety disorder. I'm not implying that your son does - I just mention it because some of the advice give here is routinely given to families of children with SM. #1 rule: Never force them to talk; accept them as they are. (That goes for not allowing family or others to try to force them, either.) While you don't want to give children the feeling of being totally ignored (by never talking to them just because they have difficulty conversing), most shy people hate being the center of attention. They much prefer to "hang back", warm up to a situation at their own pace, and interact when and if they choose. (This is still true of myself at 45 yrs. ;-)

On the other hand, don't allow him to stay totally isolated in your home. Pre-school is a great idea, as long as the teachers will not force your son into talking/interacting. Most pre-school teachers are experienced with this very normal toddler "shy" behavior, and are adept at slowly encouraging them to "come out of their shells". He won't be the only "shy" child there.

Imho, the greatest gift you could give to your son is to love & accept him for who/where he is now, while encouraging his growth, just as you are doing. If you accept his shy behavior and don't make a big deal out of it, chances are, neither will it become a big deal for him. Have fun!

Rest assured your son is fine. Some people are shy, but the world needs all types. Please allow him to go at his own pace and accept him how he is. Let him be. The most damaging thing you could do is push him to act out of line with how he feels. On the other hand, if you support him by accepting his shyness, he will thrive.

I'm wondering if it could be more anxiety. A lot of kids have this issue when they step out of their "comfort zone". Your son's may be just a little more difficult. Be positive and don't say that it won't work out. YOur attitude towards the issue will amplify his reactions. He may just need more time and patience to get accustomed to new situations. I'm sure school will be difficult at first, but try only two days per week and slowly increase. Many kids can start with 5 immediately, your little guy may just need to take it slower.

No, definitely not ruined.

I have a friend whose daughter has a similar issue. She has a sensory issue and is now seeing a therapist for this. It is so bad that her own family will not watch her daughter - she will scream the entire time mom and/or dad is gone. She has been doing the playgroup thing since her daughter was around 6 months old, but the poor girl still screams anytime she sees those kids, she just turned 2 in April. My advice would be to take him to his ped and go down that route to be sure.

N.

my son is now 3 but he did do that at that age. oh yeah i remember this used to make me so mad because family and friends were always so thrilled to see him and he would act like that.but my mistake was that i would push him and ask him to play/talk/say hello to the people. and i was doing everything wrong just put yourself in his shoes, i know that if i dont feel comfortable i do not want to be forced to do anything util i feel comfortable,so what my husband and i started doing was when he did that we we would hold him and let him be shy, and let him approach family and friends when he was ready. i can tell you now that he loves to meet and see family/friends and even new people. and if he ever feels shy i know he is not ready to embrace them therefore i give him his space. with time, patience and love everything will work out you'll see.

Around 7-8 months is when babies begin to recognize their parents/caregivers vs. people who aren't as familiar.

I don't need to rewrite what other people have said, but I do agree with everyone regarding letting him come out of his shell in his own time. Both of my kids take a little time to warm up to new people. One is much more shy than the other. I was quite shy as a child in new situations, and as an adult, despite being social, I'm very uncomfortable in rooms full of strangers.

I'd mention it to the pediatrician as well, though, just to be safe in the event it could be related to something else that the rest of us are just not familiar with.

Good luck! I'd also recommend putting him in activities without you being there as a safety net. It's hard to see your child crying because they're not familiar with their environment, but they're so much better at adapting to new situations than we are as adults.

There's a phrase called "Slow to warm up" which describes a child who is not shy when comfortable -- but takes time to get to that place.

My child was similar to yours -- especially in large crowds where she would cling to me. Now she's outgoing and headstrong - -but still has initial encounters where she clams up. Nonetheless -- I don't think that forcing your child to enter preschool and separate at age 2 is the best choice.

Most developmental experts use the 2.9 age as the appropriate time for separation. I don't know how close he is to that -- but I wouldn't push it given his disposition. Better to allow him to have the added security of time -- it can only empower him. Plus the added enrichment of having his mom at his side for the next half 1/2 year if possible. I also don't agree with the suggestion to leave him at school -- no matter how he kicks and screams. What are you achieving?Most schools require a gradual transition plan. I've stayed in transition while other mother's left their kids in a state of hysteria and I can tell you it wasn't a pretty sight. Some children would cry uncontrollably for 1/2 hour. Of course -- why should your child bond with someone he doesn't know? Instinctively -- we are not programed that way. From an anthropological vantage point - the survival of the species is dependent on the toddler staying with his mother --as a stranger will not provide the same degree of protection, and therefore survival. Stranger anxiety (a survival mechanism) is strongest up to 2.9 (I guess at that point.. the species could run!)

I was exactly like this as a child. At home I was loud. With strangers (even in school) - I didn't say a word. In preschool I wouldn't even talk to the teacher. Each year as I got older I got better with it. By 3rd or 4th grade it was pretty much gone. However, I never did the thing where I closed my eyes to act like I wasn't there. Your son may have some sensory issues that are part of this problem. Maybe have him checked out for that but otherwise he'll eventually get over the shyness and be fine. Karate or some team sports may help too.

Good luck!

Has a stranger ever frightened him that you are aware of at any point in his life? This may be the trigger. I wouldn't push him. Let him come out of his shell on his own.

At 2 years old, there is no way possible to tell what he will be like when he is older. He is just now realizing there is more to the world than Mommy, Daddy, any siblings, and himself. Given enough time, he will likely burst out of his shell and become a rambunctious little boy.

Just a little advice here, not meant as a flame or criticism of your parenting skills but let him evolve outward. Try to snip a few apron strings. I think an early school program will do well for him. It sounds like he didn't have a lot of opportunities for socialization since he was born. It could be that he feels a bit like being tossed in the lion's den so to speak.

On his first day of school, don't make a big deal. Just take him to school, give him a hug, tell him when you will be back, and leave. Don't allow him to cry or throw a temper tantrum for you to stay or him to come home. This could be one of the most rewarding experiences for him in his life up until this point. If allowed to socialize with other children, he will likely find other students who share his interests and before you know it, you will have to nearly drag him away from school by the end of the day.

I went through this with my oldest daughter. She was the quiet one; however, once I left her with her first daycare, albeit she was upset, but by the end of the day she didn't want to come home. It was like pulling teeth to explain to her that the parents of the other children were taking their kids home too so she couldn't stay there or she would be there all by herself. Kindergarten was about the same way as was 3rd grade because we moved to a new town and into a new subdivision. She had to leave all her friends behind - or she thought she did. One of her best friends moved away in 2nd grade. The first day of 3rd grade in the new school of all the kids to be sitting in her new classroom was her friend that had moved away the year before. Better still, the little girl's family lived less than a block from our house in the subdivision!

Ultimately, her friend had to move away again some years later when her mother became pregnant and she got a little brother. They had moved into these little brick apartments, the only ones in the entire town MOF because most people here own their homes and the town ordinances do not allow trailers/mobile homes, to be placed within the city limits. (It's a very affluent town albeit it's a small one; hwr, most of the residents are either doctors, pharmacists, engineers, lawyers, police, CEOs, or own their own businesses)... The apartment was entirely too small for the growing family so they found a bigger house a few towns over, which put her friend in a different school district, which both her mother and I hated because this area has the best schools in the county. It also has the highest number of students who graduate from high school to go on to college and actually complete their degrees. Our oldest graduates from college spring 2011, which is a prime example.

The kids that were here when my youngest was born were all our oldest daughter's age. There is 10 years between the girls so there was not really anyone close that my little one could play with so we enrolled her in a Mommy's Morning Out program. It allowed her to spend 4 hours three mornings a week with kids her own age. It helped her develop friendships and is probably the only thing that improved her social skills. Since I was not able to work and our oldest was working and going to school, I had time to spent with our little one. I was bed-ridden for the most part as doctors were trying to find the right medicine regimen to help reduce the pain and help me regain my mobility back after lupus (SLE) and Sjogren's were diagnosed. We spent that time with me teaching her letters and numbers using letter/number shaped refrigerator magnets then I taught her to read all before her 2nd birthday. She was even computing math problems. By the time she entered kindergarten, she was already two grade levels ahead of her classmates. There was a problem with my teaching methods that had to be sort of undone but not really. It was more of a lateral change in her learning abilities. I taught her as if she were a blind child so she was learning as a blind child despite the fact she could see. They had a teacher with the blind program come in to work with her to use her eyes to learn as well but without losing the ability to depend upon her other senses that served her so well before. Because she was academically and intellectually gifted (she was tested and put into the AIG program), and her vocabulary was so immense, it made it difficult for her to interact with other kids because they simply could not comprehend her complex thoughts and speech. Finally, the AIG teacher teamed her up with a few other AIG students from the 1st grade and things became much easier. Other kids within her grade began to excel though it would take a while for them to reach anywhere close to where she was but once they did, she began to have a little click of her own. She's extremely outgoing, busy with all sorts of programs, projects, and even the editor of the school's newspaper for two years running. This year she was even inducted into the Junior Honors Society.

You would probably not believe this but when she was around 2 to 4 years old, she would literally pace the floor at her grandmother's house as the sun began to go down and mutter continuously that she had to go home. It was time for her to go home. It was getting late and she had to get home to her mommy. It irritated my husband and I think it hurt his mother's feelings a bit but over time she snapped out of that phase too. It just took time.

So, don't judge your son by his actions especially right now. He is at a critical phase of his learning and finding himself as well as figuring out he has some independence only he doesn't know it yet. When it hits, and it will, you will wonder where that little boy of yesterday/yester-month/yester-year went... I know I do.

Nudge him out some but let him take his first steps with the exception of school because with early school programs he will have the chance to explore a whole other part of himself that he doesn't realize exists. I'm not one for pre-school or headstart programs because quite frankly, the teachers are generally unqualified to teach the children and too many parents use the program as a babysitter; however, there are not that many playgroup programs in existence. Those are the ones I'd highly recommend for younger children his age. Playgroups, which is basically what the Mommy's Morning Out program was, can work wonders for a child's self-esteem, figuring out who they are, learning they have a voice, and teaching them important social skills as well as the importance of tolerance of others who may be different or think differently.

That's just my opinion. As I said, I have a 23yo and a 13yo and so far, they have turned out pretty darn well even with all the many changes and nuances through the years and along the way from birth to now.

P.

Just do it it will take a little time but he will change good idea doing what your doing prais him when he does what you want him to do A. raise 4 and now have 7 grandchildren A. no hills

Have your pediatrician refer him for underlying emotional conditions... It sounds a little more extreme than just personal reserve.