Question About Shy & Anxious Kid

I do not have this situation so I can only speak from what I think might work, not from experience. I would say see if there is an activity she would love to do like dance class or gymnastics or soccer or even a very begginner martial arts class - and sign her up for what she is really interested in. Getting her really into an activity should help.

I really think this is a temperment thing. My daughter has always been like this (and she started preschool at age 2, it didn't make much of a difference) and at almost 8 years old, still struggles with situations that you have mentioned. She does okay if it is her and one other child, but as soon as a third child enters the picture she will walk away. I try to role play with her as much as possible, and she is starting now to not want me around as much, but it is sometimes hard to watch. I really think it just has to be in their own time.

My son was the same way and just recently started to become more outgoing, he is going to be 4 in october. I enrolled him in a music class and sports class that I particapate with him, and it got him use to being around strangers, but it took a ton of work and patience. I tried to enroll him in preschool when he was 3 yrs old, and he was completely terrified, so this summer I started bringing him to a day camp at his preschool to get him ready for the fall, and would stay with him for a hour to warm him up, then leave, which he would cry and cling to me, but I would leave, and after I left he would only cry for 10 mins, but eventually he stopped crying, and now is in preschool 2x a week, and loves it, no more tears, and will interact with the other children.
I wouldnt just work with her to more social situations, my son would cry when his grandparents would come over, and now wants to have visitors every night, I think that he is getting older, he is becoming more outgoing, and I just really dedicated our time together to be group time with other kids, lots of playground, and playgroups, I would not worry there is something more going on other that just being really shy, she sounds just like my son did at 3, but I am telling you, he has been doing great, still shy if people try to talk to him at the store, but loves other kids now, and will go off to the playground without staying clung to my leg, hang in there, and keep working at it, and dont be anxious about it, she will feed of your energy.

Both of my children acted the same way at 3 years. I think she is perfectly normal. She's only 3 and it's natural for her to feel protected and safe when she is with you. She has amble time to get used to being around other kids. You are providing her with the opportunities to interact with other children and adults in a safe way by being close by. Children should not feel uncomfortable or shame for being shy. It may take a few more years before she is ready for you not to be right by her side. In my experience, the worse thing you can do, is to force a child to play, or to leave them when they do not want to be left. She'll get there when she is ready.

My now 1st grader had a very hard time with drop off at preschool when he was 5, and the same thing with kindergarten last year. He turned 6 in Dec. of kindergarten. He is now ready to get out there in the world without my being there. He is sociable and has lots of friends but continues to be shy asking his teacher when he needs help. My 3rd grade daughter was very quiet and shy up until last year. Now she feels very comfortable at school, in after-school care, with sitters, etc.

I've had similar experiences with my 2 daughters, so I know what you are going through! My quick advice would be...don't force her into anything, she'll just resist it more and/or get more anxious. Take it in baby steps...allow her to watch before participating, sit with her a few times until she's ready to do it alone, etc. Also, I'd encourage a lot of playdates!! At her age it's normal to have the parent present, so she can get some social experience while still having you there! Preschool for next year would probably also be a good idea, even if it were only for a couple of days a week. I wish you and your daughter all the best!

I would say adopt a wait and see approach - she may well change significantly in the next 6 months, especially with the speech therapy. But I would also say try, if possible, to get her into some type of preschool-type program, even if it's only a couple hours/three times a week. It will probably be hellish in the beginning and even for several weeks thereafter when you drop her off, but it will make life so much easier when/if you put her into a pre-K program next year.

My son, who has always been kind of shy, went through a really rough patch last year shortly before his 4th birthday. He would not go into any type of activity class alone, would not sit in a circle with other kids, did not like to be looked at, especially by other adults, had huge meltdowns at swim class, refused to go into a bounce house with other kids, refused to wear his Halloween costume, refused to go to a Halloween party, and hid his face in his hands during his entire Christmas school recital when all the other kids were singing. He had at least one massive meltdown a week, which was unusual for him. To make matters worse, he was apparently having big, frequent tantrums during his new nursery program, enough so that his teacher thought he had an underlying condition. I won't go into THAT whole story, but obviously I was very worried.

I was advised by a handful of wise people to wait it out for four months and see if he progressed/changed. Four months later he was a different person - he didn't cry or cling when I left him at school and the in-class tantrums evaporated. He was more willing to attend activities, sit in a circle and even - gasp! - answer questions from the instructors. He even SANG at the spring recital. Didn't cover his face once. I was floored.

He still can be anxious and shy at times, still likes to hide behind me when walking into new situations (or even familiar ones), still screams in swim class :(, but he is so much more confident and independent now. A new kid.

So, try to get her into a program if you can, weather the first few weeks of torment and check her progress in a few months. If you see NO changes, then I would pursue the topic with your pediatrician.

Best of luck - I think it will all turn out fine!

There is a wonderful book called "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron that I cannot recommend enough. It helped so much with my son, whose temperament sounds very similar to your daughter's. I don't know what I would have done without it! Another thing that helped him was a timer... I actually bought an inexpensive watch with a built-in timer and when we needed to transition in situations I would set it for 3 or 5 minutes and say, "When the beeper beeps, we need to go home (or go to the store or whatever)" As soon as the beeper went off, I kept to my word. After two weeks (and some tantrums... I won't lie), he would do what needed to be done without fussing. It was a life saver! Sensitive children are such a gift even if the early years are more challenging. I wish you and your daughter all the best!

I'm glad the responses you've received have been reassuring. You wrote that her conversational language is not easily understood by most people and that this, of course, frustrates her. If she makes significant progress in her ability to be understood by children her age, she will gain confidence, even if she is naturally a shy child. However, if her path to clearer articulation does not improve soon, you may have the school system evaluate her again, as the communication/conversation difficulty can definitely interfere with her social play, which is an important part of development. It is possible the system could offer her a preschool class within the public school system. Meanwhile, please do not let others make her feel she has to talk in social situations until she can be understood. My best to you both.

Shyness is something that's developmental, and some children are able to grow out of it. However, some people remain slow to warm and they simply need the time and understanding to transition and adjust. That's how you can best help. Don't be apologetic, especially in front of her, for her shyness. It's not something that she can help or control. You can be firm, gentle, understanding, and encouraging without pushing her before she's ready.

The more practice she has in social settings, the better (hopefully) she should get at it but it could take a few years. My eldest daughter is the most outgoing child I've ever known and she made friends with one of the most shy girls I've ever known in kindergarten. They're now in 6th grade, and my daughter, J, has been able to get E to do things her mother could never get her to do socially that have brought her out of her shell and helped boost her self-esteem. She's still shy and probably always will be, but not as painfully so. Her mother, though, is patient and gentle with her and encourages her to be friends with very outgoing kids since she sees how E blossoms with my daughter.

On the flip side, my middle daughter has Autism and is extremely socially awkward and has always been shy. My youngest daughter is somewhat shy. I'm encouraging but not forceful. The girls encourage each other, and they have friends that encourage them and drag them into social events. They accept it better from friends than from me, because it's always different when it's friends. :-)

I think it's time to losen the apron strings. She is 3 and needs to start learning to become independent. You could sign yourself up for a class at the Y and leave her in the daycare. She needs to learn that she can be a person by herself. If she cries or starts to carry on just walk away--she will be fine. You are not leaving her forever just an hour or so. She needs to understand that she can have fun with the kids at the daycare and Mommy can have fun with Mommy friends. You are not doing your child any favors by isolating her.

Frankly, your daughter is 3. She isn't 10 and having these issues. She's 3.
I'm not the least bit surprised. My daughter was shy and reluctant at that age, too. She still is a little more reserved than a lot of kids, but I certainly wouldn't call her "shy". She's 10 now. However, my daughter spoke early and had no speech issues whatsoever. If, on top of her general nature of being very reserved, she had speech issues, I can only imagine how much more she would have held back when it came to speaking in front of other people or interacting with others.

I don't think you have said anything that warrants major concerns about her behavior. You might need to talk to her generally about what is acceptable and what is not when things don't go exactly like she expected them to: her friend didn't come alone to the library. Ok. So what? Give her a "signal" that she can use to let you know she wants to leave (that doesn't involve her having to speak out loud in front of others)... or a signal to let you know that she wants to speak to you privately where others can't listen. And then give her the opportunity to voice whatever her issue is to you, and you alone. There is nothing wrong with that.
She just sounds like a little girl (she's THREE Mom) who feels like things are out of her control (they are) and she is unable to voice her feelings or opinions about it (without calling unwanted attention to herself) due to her speech issues, and it overwhelms her.
Don't push too much. Give her time and space. My 10 year old is now quite capable of speaking up for herself. She orders for herself in restaurants. She is just fine. But when she was 5, she would accept juice box drinks at parties instead of asking for a cup of water (she wouldn't drink anything but water) and would end up with nothing to drink because she wouldn't speak up.
Let her be reserved. It's part of who she is. Getting her help to master her speech issues is a separate issue from that. Not being ABLE to speak clearly is not the same as being unwilling to speak. And just because she is unwilling (either clearly or not) doesn't mean that it needs to be "fixed". Focus on the speech itself. Not so much on WHEN she chooses not to speak. It may be that when she masters her speech issues, the other issues will fade somewhat on their own.

A lot of this sounds pretty normal. My 4 1/2 y/o is much the same wanting me to stay with him, and be right there. My 3 y/o will cling for dramatic affect, but then takes off to play when it suits her. I think any social environment would be great for her, and I would encourage enrolling her in another pre-school (many daycares have a pre-school program/curriculum). I know you recognize how much she needs to experience some independence, and it needs to happen before she goes to school. I will role-play at home with my little ones about what is going to happen at the next outing (whereever it may be). I will sit with mine if they need me, but I try to minimize my involvement. I don't slip away (trust issues), but will leave after saying a goodbye at daycare. (the drama is so short-lived) I don't play into temper tantrums usually (sometimes I get sucked in!, but most times when they want me to carry them i say that I can't...couldn't for awhile after knee surgery...and then start to head for the door. It is amazing how fast those guys can move off the floor when you start to leave :) We talk about the meltdowns and why something seemed so scary once at home. I often use quiet bedtime to narrate the day and help decompress. It is amazing when I hear what they might actually be worried about, and it is fun to think of solutions. I will usually present some really fantastic idea, like dragons swooping in etc. and by the end of the talk we plant some seeds on what to say, do , suggest next time "x" happens. The speech will probably come along as her anxiety improves. Good luck.

Have your daughter start answering the phone. When she has a doctors appointment have her announce herself. Give her the money or credit card to pay the cashier. Make her order for herself at restaurants. As she gets more confident and maybe a little older, if she wants a toy, have her call the toy store to confirm they have it. Don't speak for her. If someone asked you her age, look at her and say "tell them how old you are." Role play a lot! Show her how to give good eye contact when speaking to someone. Show her what a shy child looks like (mumbles, gives bad eye contact, slumps shoulders etc). She will probably giggle. Then show her how a friendly child acts. Let her role play and be the friendly child. The more opportunities she has to speak up the better off she will be. Once she is kinder age, I also highly recommend drama classes. I really believe the drama classes helped shape both of my girls personality. I frequently hear how friendly and outgoing they are. I can tell you though they were not born this way. I was determined however that they would not be as shy as I was growing up. I was very quite as a child and I frequently missed out on things I wanted to be a part of but I was too shy to speak up.