Is My Sister-in-law Overstepping?

Sounds like she has a good heart but a controlling personality. You will all be happier when she leaves. She would be good at an administrative employment. AF

I would say a little of both. Some of it sounds like it is petty enough, but at the same time if it is bothering you then I would say you have a reason to let someone know. As an in-law I always take this approach: first I run it by my husband. If he does not say or do anything, I let him know if things continue and I feel the need to step in, I will. Usually this in enough to get him into action. I don't want to stir the pot or step on anyone's toes but I know I want to feel in control in my own house and of my own children. I don't see any reason why you couldn't approach her if your husband will not intercede and just let her know that you appreciate any help she may be trying to offer, but at the same time you feel that she does not have to scold your child, dog...etc. Maybe even express to her that you did not want to say anything because you did not want to start a quarrel with her but that you felt the need to express how you felt. Most people will appreciate your honesty, as long as you approach them in a way that you try to respect their feelings and in the long run it can bring you closer to a person, verses keeping your frustrations internalized. Just remember, people aren't mind readers so while you might feel that she should just know what is bothering you, I'm sure she has no idea. I hope you are able to work things out and find a middle ground!

You have boundary issues.

Look up codependency online.

If you had functional boundaries your lnlaws would know to NOT do X, Y or Z.

they are domineering... and you're not gonna want to hear this, they are domineering because they *know* (on an unconscious level) you're going to let them get away with it.

Go look up this book, or get it from the library, I used to sell it from one of my sites/ blogs:

"The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense"

People with *good boundaries* are confused by actions or lack of actions taken by people with *non functional boundaries*

It's the kind of thing you never look at unless and until you are the one on the 'being bullied' side of an exchange.

Look up Pia Melody,

hope that helps
and usually people with non functional boundaries refuse to do any thing about them, preferring to remain a victim - it's very sad

There might be a little of both. If something bothers you, I think you should say so. Maybe not everything, but some things. That's what I do with my in-laws and it's helped our relationship. I don't feel I HAVE to let them do anything (they don't see my kids often at all), but I keep my kids in line when I do, and I get on their case for teasing my dogs-it's just not a good practice. Now I don't dread their visits and I don't have to go and "fix" everything (all the rule-breaking) after they leave.

She's overstepping. One of the things all of us have to learn is that, no matter how we raise our own kids or run our own house, we need to be able to bite our tongue and "do as the Romans do" when we are in someone else's home (in relation to their kids and property of course). She should be looking to you for clues as to how you want these things handled. Next time she does something that crawls under your skin just say, "I'm sorry, (name), but that's just not how things are done in this house. We do things in (this way) and I would appreciate it if you could remember not to confuse (daughter's or dogs' names) with conflicting information." Don't be afraid to stand up to her, she's definitely in the wrong here. She is being very disrespectful to you and you do need to put your foot down in my opinion.

Yeah she's overstepping. But its temporary. She's only visiting and will go back home again. Try to grin and bear it but if it gets unbearable then talk to your husband about it.

Yes, she is overstepping. If YOU were visiting HER it would be a different matter, but as it is your daughter and dogs likely are confused about the change in rules and who's in charge. You should address the issue with SiL, but keep the perspective that she's trying to be helpful (and also may not be familiar with dogs & toddlers).

That said, there are some behaviors that may not bother you but do bother others, and in those instances those others have every right to speak up. For example: Mom may not mind if Junior snitches something off her plate, but for someone else, it's icky to have Junior's fingers in their food, and it's an invasion of their personal space.

You are not being too sensitive. She needs to respect that you are Queen of your territory and when she's visiting, she needs to respect your rules. If you were visiting her, she'd be Queen in her own territory. I am the expert when it comes to my son. No one knows him better than me. I'm not shy about telling people who think they know better "That's very interesting but it doesn't work that way with my son.". You can be polite about it, at least at first you can be. But if she disrespects you where she just does her own thing regardless of your explaining the rules, you can get nasty about it. She'll have had fair warning.

You need to speak up. Your SIL might be domineering, but it's your home, your dogs, and your child. Just because she doesn't see the baby much doesn't mean that she should get free reign or keep the baby from other important people in the child's life. You need to tell SIL that you want her to have a good relationship with her niece, but remind her that you're the parent and she doesn't need to undermine you. You are not oversensitive, although she might claim you are.

Hi Wendy! I would definitely share your thoughts with your husband. He should be made aware of what is going on and how you feel about it. Ultimately, you do need to say something to your sister-in-law if her behavior is upsetting you. She is a guest in your house. I would reiterate that you love having her there, but I would also explain that you and your husband have set the rules for your child and your pets. I would tell her what is bothering you specifically. It's that old saying: We teach others how to treat us. If you don't like something that she is doing, you need to say something. Otherwise she will continue to do. And, guess what? It will continue to bother you. As hard as it may be, talk to her. You'll be better off in the long run!

I think she definitely is overstepping, but unless you communicate with her, it won't change and it will be entirely your fault. There are many ways to address these issues without being confrontational. Perhaps ask your husband's guidance in finding a way to address her that won't pick a fight. (He's known her longer, he may have insight, or you can use that woman-to-woman thing.) I think it is imperitive for your daughter that continuity be maintained no matter who is visiting. You're in charge, and you don't have to get witchy to enforce that. A nice "I'd rather" or "our routine is" or "we're used to".... good luck.

Speak up and quit letting her run right over you and your household.
Let her know that your dogs are on a schedule and you will let them out when they need to.
Sh her when you want your daughter to sleep and she continues to talk.
Pull your daughter back into the room when you skype w/ your parents and let her know they want to see their grand daughter and that is why you are skyping.
At the end of the day, let her know that you think she might be trying to be helpful but that you would really rather her just relax and enjoy her visit and let you worry to the tasks and mothering at hand. Maybe after a day of correcting her and putting her in her place she will get the point.

id say she is over stepping if she is trying to take over. if shes just trying to help then shes just trying to help. maybe you shoud speak up a bit. if you want your daughter to nap then say so if you want her to stay int he room while yyou talk to parents say so. if the dogs are ok tell her. she doesnt know these things if you dont tell her. i ouldnt make a deal about it just lightly say these things as they occur. if she then seems to over rule you decide what you want to do weither it be let it go restate how you feel or ask her why she keeps going over you like she is.

Wendy,

I completely understand where you are coming from. She probably doesn't know she is getting to you or even realizes how often she is doing this.

I would say something as soon as she makes a correction. Like when she hollers at the dogs for something they are allowed to do, just say nicely, they are allowed to do that in my home. Correcting your daughter might be a little more touchy because of your feelings, but be confident when responding to her. If she corrects her for something just say, since I am right here I would like to correct her or it's ok, I will get her. Hopefully that should give her the hint. The napping in the car, I would just ask her to let your daughter sleep because she will get cranky if she doesn't get her nap.

In your responses to her it is almost like talking to an older child where you have to explain sometimes why you do things the way you do. I need my daughter in here to play because her grandparents would really like to spend some time with her too. I am assuming she has no children of her own so she won't understand exactly where your coming from. So just think of her as someone you have to teach instead of someone overstepping. You have to teach her not to overstep. If you think of her as an older child you need to explain things to it might help your frustration level. It did mine.

Good Luck

sure does sound like it. i'd talk to your husband about it as i'm guessing it is his sister and ask for advice. give him the same details you provided in your email and see what he'd recommend.

best of luck to everything working out for her visit in your home.

Does she have kids? It doesn't sound like she's purposely overstepping, just 'not thinking' about it being your house, and waiting for you to say or not say something. As for the Skype thing, she probably just wasn't thinking about the others wanting to see your baby. My twin does some of the same things, and she's around all the time. For the car situation, I would have just gentle asked her to lower the conversation so that your daughter could nap on the ride home. If possible, I'd just kind of ride it out.
M.

I don't think you are being too sensitive, but I also don't think your sister-in-law means to overstep her boundaries. Both of my sisters live far away, and when they visit my son, they like to take charge, and while I don't agree with everything they do, as long as he is safe, I don't say too much. It's not worth it to create friction in the family if it's just a visit from a relative, but there are definitely tactful ways to say things if you are not comfortable with something. For example, one of my son's aunts on his father's side used to blow in his face for fun. I told her that he didn't really like it so much, and then my son's father also asked her to stop, so she did. Best wishes, and hope you can have a happy visit for everyone!!!

she sounds pretty overbearing and she'd pluck my last nerve. that being said, big kudos to you for being accommodating and sensitive enough to realize that she loves and enjoys your daughter and to try and rein in your annoyance.
i think you should prioritize in your mind what you can let slide and what really undermines your parental (or dog-mom) style. when she's genuinely out of line you can firmly but humorously say something along the lines of 'oh, that only works with european kids (or dogs.) here we've come to the conclusion that american kids just cannot eat sugar/skip a nap/whatever without their heads spinning round and the seams of the world unravelling. trust me, in our house we've really figured out the best way to handle this.' it doesn't have to be confrontational (unless she's REALLY bossy) but if you don't say anything it will just keep building until she leaves. and if you can defuse it gracefully, you'll actually be able to enjoy her company too.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Wendy,

Absolutely she is overstepping. I mean the skype thing might have been trying to be helpful, but the rest is out of line. No one other than you and your husband have the right to correct your child or your dogs.

I would discuss it with your husband and explain to him how you feel, and then let him deal with her.

Good Luck,

K.

Dear Wendy,

Who is the parent in charge here? Your sister is a guest in your house and needs to abide by your rules and desires. I suggest that you tell her you enjoy having her and she is upsetting the normal routine that kids really need. I see it is hard for you to be assertive with your sister. What stops you from expressing your desires for your daughter? I suggest you have a heart to heart with your sister and tell her how you want things to be. She will have her time with her neice- on your terms- not hers. Coach A. Schoen www.coachamyschoen.com

Hi there,

Ok I think she is certainly overstepping, but you aren't saying otherwise either. So she thinks it's all fine. You should say hey, the dogs are fine, I let them do this all the time. Overseas...where? There is a different world over there and different customs...they are a bold, say what you feel people. In Germany especially! So, if you are not happy about what is happening, say something, or ask your husband, since it's his sister.
Good luck, you have to establish the rules, so that they aren't remade to your unliking!

Your house, your child, your pets, your rules - speak up.

I do not think you should let things go or change your beliefs/principles/rules based on the fact that her visits are occasional. You need to advocate and defend your daughter. She looks to you to do what is right and if someone doesn't treat her in a way that is appropriate, even with good intentions, you need to say something.

It doesn't have to be any big confrontation. Just say to your daughter, "Well, actually, I don't mind if you do that." And then say to your SIL, 'It's okay, that's allowed."

I think it is likely tha tyour SIL thinks she is helping out. My family and in-laws will call out my daughter if she doesn't say "thank you" or "please" and certainly if she says something rude. This I don't mind, as long as I agree with the circumstances. She may also think she is helping you speak to your parents by getting your daughter out of the room. Why not just talk to your parents for a few minutes, and then say, "Okay, now it's time ot talk to Grandma" and go get her?

I think you need to take it all less personally, and just be more verbal and correct the situaitons you don't like. I don't see any need to tell her to back off or anything. You have allowed a certain tone ot be set, and you need ot adjust it. You say you don't want to interfere, but it is your child!!! (and your dogs for that matter). It is your job to speak for her and provide her with security and structure. It is unfair for you to let someone come in and change things. And as your daughter gets older, she will resent you for not speaking up for her, and she will also learn ot not speak up for herself. In the long run, tha twill hurt her relaiton ship with her aunt, becasue she will not enjoy the visits from the domineering woman. Good luck.

My mother is the same way and I do believe it's just the personality. She is a control freak and she thinks her way is the way everyone sees it. She is crazy about my son, but they actually got into a huge argument when he was only 3 because he wanted to race cars and he had 4 cars and she had 3. She said it wasn't fair and he cried and she refused to budge. I wasn't there for that one but she told me the story with pride. She yells at my dogs too, the moment she gets in the door because they are not locked in the kitchen, where they only stay when we aren't home. I try to remember, like you, that she is just that way and doesn't see us more than once every couple of weeks and never for long periods (lucky us!) so I try to tolerate it. At least your sister will not be around for long so I think for the most part you should try to look the other way or gently steer things in another direction. Now, if she were a frequent visitor, my advice would change! Good luck!

Hi Wendy,

I have had a lot of experience with family members and in-laws over-stepping boundaries, miscommunications, misinterpretations, and even arguments. This is family, fortunately or unfortunately.

I was able to work-on and solve issues only by having clear communication with my spouse. If my family was causing the tension in my spouse, I, and just I, would talk to my family to help them realize what the problem was and what to do or not to do. If my spouse's family was the problem for me, I would have my spouse address the problem with her family.

If your spouse is unwilling to get involved, then you need to make it clear to your spouse that you will tell you sister-in-law directly when she does something to your disagreement. Such as if she yells at the dogs for something you allow them to do, you need to tell her, please do not yell at my dogs, they are permitted to do that. If she takes you daughter to another room while on skype with the grandparents, you need to go to that room grab your daughters hand and tell her that her grandparents want to see her and talk with her. Say is matter-of-factly but firmly so that your sister-in-law will understand that you are in-charge of your daughter and the current event.

Unfortunately, the acceptance of her "dominant" personality
in the beginning may make things a bit more difficult, but at least, this is your home. You, youself, have to be dominant with another dominant personality. Unfortunately, this is the only way to catch your sister-in-laws attention. Like understands like.

From your description, you do not have the type A personality, but that is ok. Just try it as an experiment and look at it as a learning experience. If things turn sour, you know that she is the one who has to leave.

Good luck,
Mark