Is There Anything 'Inapropriate' About This Behavior?

Okay, normally 16/17 year old brothers do not kiss each other on the cheeks or act quite like you're describing. I'm that one that would be questioning that.

I do think they need time apart and it sounds like they have that. If you observe them and think they act oddly then what are you going to do about it? Anything?

something doesn't whiff right about this post.
there's nothing inappropriate about a close bond between twins.
there's nothing inappropriate about teenagers being close to their little brother, at least assuming that they all also have friendships and relationships with other kids of all ages.
it's fine to have movie night and zzz out on the couch together.
hugging and kissing on the cheek is perfectly acceptable.
sleeping in the same bed is only okay if they happen to doze off in the middle of a late night chat but generally sleep alone. after puberty most boys and girls don't want to share the onset of menses or nocturnal emissions with a sibling that close at hand. if the twins are sleeping in the same bed regularly, i can understand your MIL's concern.
if i bought into this post i'd say that for the most part the MIL needs to butt out.
but something's up here.
khairete
S.

I think your mother in law should be thanking her lucky stars that her son and his wife did a good job of raising kids who treat each other kindly, care about each other, and can be a loving family for each other. What a gift.

In reading your SWH: I have a friend whose husband died of cancer while the children were teens. That family is so incredibly bonded because they have been able to trust each other through some of the worst of times. Currently my friend takes care of her granddaughter (she was a preschool teacher for many years before); her daughter and daughter's husband live with her as well and her son lives during the week in another town where he works as a nurse and comes home weekends. Everyone is pitching in to make this work financially, all the younger people have paying jobs so they can keep their family close. I admire the bond they have and how much they care about each other.

I suggest you asked this question because you're unsure. If your mom has mostly given you good advice all these years, I suggest you consider what she's suggesting.

I suggest you talk with a psychologist to have more information about the possible results of the way they relate to each other, little brother, you and your mother. Unless a mom has dealt with this, Moms can't give you an answer.

I suggest that you talk with the school district's psychologist. First talk with the school counselor.

A mom asked a similar questions awhile back her post described possible sexual involvement. You don't say how they kiss or if you're in the same room when they watch TV. If they need a blanket for warmth, insist they each have their own blanket. Tell them they are of age that requires different behaviour than they had as a child. Tell them you don't know if they are sexually involved under the blanket and it's wise to have clear boundaries. It's defiantly not OK. To share a bed. If my home had enough room, I'd expect the have separate rooms.

I see red flags in your post. Definitely check this out with a professional. It is Definitely inappropriate to share a bed. Watching TV under the same blanket may be inappropriate. Depends on what is going on under the blanket.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.

I wonder if, after he passed away, your kids began to pull together (as they should) and lean on each other for comfort, and now it's become a habit. Perhaps they developed a pattern that now should progress to different behaviors. If they're still grieving and haven't been able to come to terms with the death of their daddy, maybe they need some counseling. Of course they'll always miss him, but four years have passed and it sounds as though they are still freshly grieving him instead of accepting the loss.

Being close is nice. However, sharing the bed at the age of 17 is extreme.

I think you definitely should wake them up if they fall asleep on the couch and send them to their separate rooms. Sleeping on a couch is a poor habit to develop. Sleep hygiene, as the doctors call it, requires using the bedroom for sleep, sleeping on a proper bed and mattress, and other routines (no sleeping with the tv on, keeping the bedroom comfortably cool and dark, etc). Wake them up and send them to their beds.

Talk to them about not sharing the bed anymore. That's a childish thing, and maybe they needed it four years ago, but now they need to establish independence. If one is upset, tell them to go to the kitchen and make mugs of warm milk or cocoa and talk things out and then return to bed. A sleep doctor will tell you that using the bed to watch tv or to have family conferences will lead to poor sleep patterns. Of course, that doesn't mean there can't be occasional times when the whole family gathers on the bed, for a fun pillow fight, or to serve mommy breakfast in bed, or some special occasion, but those occasions should be rare, not routine.

Often people who are not twins, or who don't have siblings, cannot understand that bond. And your twins have a deeper bond than simply being twins: they're twins who experienced a loss. Acknowledge it, but help them to move on in some respects (the sleeping on the couch, the sleeping together). Enjoy the fact that they are good siblings to their younger brother, that they love each other, but help them develop a little more adult behavior in the sleeping department.

Welcome to mamapedia.

I'm sorry. You sound like a teenager asking this question. Here's my answer.

No. No TEENAGED siblings NOR "friends" should be sleeping in the same bed. In MY opinion? It is NOT healthy nor normal for siblings to be sleeping together.

No. It's NOT NORMAL for siblings to "snuggle up" under a blanket and eat popcorn.

The twins I know? While they have many similar likes? And have a great bond? They need and want time to themselves.

While I "kiss" my siblings on the cheeks - when we were teenagers? Um. No. It was more like a nudge. ESPECIALLY with my brother - who STILL to this day does NOT say "I love you" to me or our sister. He did the day our mother died.

If they are taking him out and playing soccer with him? GREAT!! Why not watch from afar next time and see what they are doing? Yep. Sounds nefarious, but why NOT?? Why not see what they are doing without them knowing you are doing it??

Good luck!

Ok. I don't have a boy and a girl. I have 2 boys. But I will give my honest opinion based on what I read here.

Your MIL does need to butt out. She's come to you with her opinion. Now it's up to you to ponder on it and try to decide how much of what she says might be on point. You're trying to do that by asking people who have nothing to do with your family.

I think that you need to sit down with both of them and tell them that they are too old now to be sleeping in the same bed. You should have done that several years ago. That's not something that brothers and sisters need to be doing. You are mom and you want it to be all about sibling love and nothing inappropriate, but even if no hanky-panky happens, this can take the place of the appropriate feelings for someone else.

I had a friend who was like this with her brother. NO one else was good enough for her because they weren't like her brother. The things she said about him were JUST on the border of incestual, to be honest. She would have NEVER said these things to her mom. I'm not sure she even she realized how she sounded. Even if they weren't messing around with each other, it affected her for years. I never did talk about it with her because she would have just gotten angry.

Finally in her 30's she married. I'm glad they have a good marriage. It's kind of funny because her son looks JUST LIKE her brother. They are very different personalities and it has been hard on her because looking at her son, she wanted him to be like her brother.

So, work on this now. It's fine for them to be close. It's fine for them to adore their little sib and watch TV. It's fine to hug and kiss cheeks. But send them to their rooms before they fall asleep, and no more sharing a bed.

It's one thing to trust, mom. It's another thing to enable a situation that can become something more. Teen hormones are so strong.

Sounds like your MIL thinks they are having an incestuous relationship.
They are fine as long as they are not.
Close is one thing - but most brothers and sisters would think it beyond yucky sharing a bed.
How about you take tvs out of bedrooms?
Bedrooms are for sleeping - alone - each in their own room.
At 17, do they date other people?
Not everyone does - and there's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer in college.
Twins might have many similarities - but they are still individuals and they each need their own space so they are not in each others shadow.
To develop into well balanced independent adults a LITTLE less twin closeness might be a good idea.

Hi A.,

Recently we had a bunch of questions on here from a mom wondering if her teens were doing inappropriate things. She kept asking us (6 times actually) if we thought it was ok or not.

I suggest you trust your gut. My gut would be saying ya weird for them to sleep together.

If you have concerns, be proactive. To me you must if you're asking us. Good luck.

I think it's fine that they are so close. I think it's fine they enjoy their little brother. Because there's a big age gap, I think they may find him less annoying than they would if he were, say, 13. It's also good that they have separate activities and go out with their own friends.

Your mother-in-law is way too involved. Your husband apparently is not involved enough. So I'd get on his case about that.

But no, they should not be sleeping together in the same bed. Yes, you should wake them up and send them to bed. No child sleeps well on the couch night after night, or with another person. They absolutely need proper rest. And platonic feelings can lead to other things. And even if that doesn't happen, remember that as they get older, they need to begin to think about forming intimate relationships with someone else. They can't do that if the only person who can get them to sleep is their twin! So whether one kid is gay or not doesn't change my answer. I'm not sure why you said anything about "even if my son did not come out as being gay" - why not discuss your daughter in the same context?

Your mother-in-law may well have read the scandals about the Duggar family where inappropriate sexual activity took place - in that case, it was perpetrated by the older son on the younger daughters and others, but it was still incestuous. Your MIL maybe reacting to your excessive defense of "anything goes". You would do well to set appropriate boundaries. And your husband should be involved in this.

That you see nothing wrong or problematic concerns me. That you are not logical or balanced concerns me. You are so busy defending their closeness that you don't seem to be acknowledging their sexuality.

Added: The reason I (and others) asked about your husband is that you asked about your mother-in-law, so it seemed reasonable to get your husband involved with his own mother. But your SWH explained that your husband, sadly, passed away. So I am sorry to have raised an issue that may cause you pain. I can see now why you have to deal with your MIL alone.

I was good until the sleeping in the same bed and something about your son being gay. Thne I got a little lost.
But here's what *I* would say.
"MIL, these are MY kids and I don't see anything wrong with them. I find it disgusting that you think that siblings that love each other have something wrong with them. Please, for the love of god, leave me alone about them."

I have sisters who are twins, they are same sex, but still, I relate to a lot of what you are describing. They were attached at the hip til they finally got married and had to live apart (if their husbands had agreed to it, they would still all be roommates though).

Your MIL must not come from a touchy-feely or close family. Maybe she is even jealous or resentful that she never had that in her family, and she can't acknowledge that so it comes out as misplaced negativity.

Your kids might be especially close and unafraid to show love because they know what it's like to lose a family member. So, even if we all were to agree that it's not typical for teens to show that much love and caring to their siblings, well, so what, maybe your teens aren't typical because they've known loss at an early age. They've learned early whats most important in life.

Maybe your mil feels the need to help you parent since your hubby died. It looks like you family pulled together to get through that difficult time and ended up as a strong unit which is a good thing.

I have twins and they have had a bond since they were infants. They still talk non stop to each other when they are in the same room. Its an interesting dynamic to watch. Mine had different interests and friends but they were there to help each other all the time.

Your family sounds fine. Your mil is over stepping. Please stand up to her the next time she brings it up by letting her know that you hear her opinion but as a family you really need each other's support.

MY question is, after 17 years, why do you really care what your mother in law thinks? You must be too old and experienced to care at this point. And where is your husband in all of this? You don't mention him at all. Something is "off" about this post...

I think that the fact that your mother in law finds their closeness inappropriate says more about how her mind works then anything else. Their relationship is perfect. I understand some siblings don't want their younger ones hanging around, but you see that more with smaller age gaps, often with bigger age gaps the older siblings are very caring and protective towards the younger ones. The relationship all 3 share is wonderful, encourage that closeness and tell your MIL she has a warped mind if she thinks anything inappropriate is going on and she should keep her opinions to herself.

My boys (but gender makes no difference) are not twins, but they are very close together in age. They still sometimes sleep in the same bed together, and have many of the same friends and interests. I am very glad they are such good friends and I know they will always be there for each other, as family should be.

I think your mother in law needs to butt out of your parenting business right away...... like yesterday! I am nearly 40 and my brother in his late 30s and we kiss on the cheek every time we see each other. Is it possible that your mother in law has had something in her past that would cause such strong opinions of exactly how close siblings should be? It sounds like you've raised sweet, close kids. ....that's amiable in my eyes. Best of luck.

while I think it's great that you are so close with your twin. Sleeping together at the age of 17 isn't "normal".

I love that you include your baby brother in things!! That's wonderful!!

Twins need to experience life outside the twin bubble. It does help. There is nothing wrong with a strong relationship. Just some of the things are not normal.

This behavior isn't typical, but if he's gay I can see it. Just ignore MIL's comments.

They're fine. MIL needs to sit down and stfu.