Is This Normal Grandma Behavior?

I can see really making the effort and visiting a nutty, difficult mom for 4 days tops. I cannot ever see going for an entire month. Please learn from this mistake. No, it is not normal grandma behavior. Some people do best with a long distance relationship.

A.,

I remember one of your earlier posts about your mom and my response to it. It's the one where you say your mom is crazy and contradictory. Please go back and re-read those many helpful responses you received.

I'm saying this with kindness, but also as a little kick in the pants to try and help nudge you from this REALLY STUCK place you're in with you mom.

Why, dear, when you know what your mom is about and how she acts, would you subject yourself and your baby to an ENTIRE MONTH in an apartment with her? You want validation from us that she is crazy, and I think we have pretty much confirmed in the last several posts that, yes, indeed, she does have some issues.

Okay, we've got that established. So WHY on earth do you keep expecting something different? (HINT: the answer is not wanting her to spend time with the new baby. Sure, that's a nice, hopeful thought and I'm sure you do want that, but it's not the answer).

The answer is you are in a completely enmeshed and very unhealthy relationship with your mom. You have no psychological boundaries when it comes to dealing with her. You keep hoping it will be different. You want it to be different. Each time you visit, you expect it to be different. And that is the problem---because it won't be. She's not going to change.

So, A., YOU have to change. You have to do the emotional work to grow up and learn to be the parent to yourself that you never had. All this stuff you're seeking from your mom???? It's not coming. So, you have to heal those wounds, learn to validate yourself, let go of expectations, and create your own happiness and harmony.

All of these very detailed examples of your mom and her behavior are simply distractions from the work you need to do. We don't need to hear about her. You've made it abundantly clear what she's about. The more you aim the lens at her, the less you are focusing on YOU and what you need to do to be an emotionally healthy, psychological resilient adult. And you need to be that, for yourself, first, but also to be a healthy partner in your marriage and to be a mature and balanced parent.

So the questions should not be "Is this normal grandma behavior?," or "why bother going to visit?," or anything that has to do with your mom. Rather, the questions should be, "How am I going to become responsible for my own emotions, my own well-being, my own happiness?"

You need an experienced therapist to help you do this. So my question to you is, when are you going to find one and make that appointment?

I really, really wish you the best, A., and I hope you "hear" what I'm saying to you. It would sure be a shame to waste anymore precious time running around in circles like this.

J. F.

I do not understand why you would spend a month with your mother since you know she's difficult. I wonder if you were needing free lodging. Tho how could that be since you had money to travel. You haven't gotten. Along with your Mom up to now. Why would you think a month long visit would work?

I also don't understand why you'd have 30 vacation days when you just got back to work after a maternity leave. This situation does not make sense

I also wonder why you don't move to Ireland. Your husband want's to live close to family which makes me think you might have more support.

When I think about this perhaps you are still trying to please your Mom. it's not going to happen. If nothing else I hope you've learned that your Mom is not going to change. Please focus on being happy without her approval.

I don't understand this post. You just got back from maternity leave. How would you have a month of vacation? Especially since you are having the issues at work you were having and then you take a month off? This doesn't sound right.

Anyway, your mother has issues but then dear so do you. Your expectations of your mom are unrealistic. Of course she is going to freak having three more people in her apartment. You don't say how big the apartment is. You also mentioned "there is never anything fun planned anyways". What? Do you expect her to "entertain" you and your family with activities for a month? Wow!

My grandmother used to say "guests are like fish, they start to stink after 3 days". A month is way too long of a visit.

I honestly believe you need to talk to someone who can help you deal with your life.

You've posted before about your mother.
She's the O. that said babies are smelly? And that your baby was a mistake?
And "don't be surprised if we become estranged" since she don't like the fact that you eloped?
Really, I wonder what you expected. A month is a loooong visit - even with someone whom you're on the best of terms.
Can you talk to your counselor about this?
Good luck.

A month is a long time for a visit and an apartment doesn't leave much space for privacy or alone time. I am sorry that you had such an unpleasant time visiting with your mother. Sometimes people get set in their ways and cannot handle disruptions in their daily routine - hence the stress about the dishes and the mess. Why didn't you ask your mother for suggestions to keep the bird quiet or, if it was nice weather, take the baby for a stroller nap. I can tell you that the bird was probably very upset and jealous at your visit. Maybe the solution is to have your mother come and visit you or you should go and see her and only stay a week. Also, you could plan something fun to do - it is not dependent on your mother to plan your fun (or pay for it) while you are visiting.

That's what you get for staying a month as house guests in your Mom's apartment.

In the future plan shorter stays and/or get a hotel.

A., you keep trying to create a normal family situation out of something that isn't normal. Go back and read your prior posts about how controlling and inflexible your mother is, how you want to live in another country with your in-laws, how you didn't tell people you were married and pregnant and now you can't deal with the fall-out. You KNEW your mother wasn't the nurturing type, yet you decided to go for a month??? A month is 3 weeks too long even for hands-on grandparents with a big house. Your mother is into long-distance parenting and long-distance grandparenting. Period. Let her post photos on Facebook - but do not DO NOT go visit her unless you are staying in a family friendly hotel. You plan your own child-friendly activities (zoos, children's museums, libraries, play spaces, etc.) and you meet your mother for short amounts of time. You don't take a baby to stay with someone who didn't support your marriage or who doesn't know anything about (or show interest in) childrearing. You are trying to make your mother into something she is not - and so I think you are absolutely asking for trouble.

poor grandma. she wanted to spend time with her daughter and new grandbaby, and instead of a nice weekend you landed on her for a MONTH.
i'd be overwhelmed too.
and after plopping yourselves on her, you take it upon yourself to interfere with her pet without checking with her first?
she doesn't sound like a terrible grandma, but she sure didn't do a great job with her own entitled bratty kid.
khairete
S.

Thirty days is a long time to stay with someone even if it is family. Your mother has her out set routine and your visit changed that routine with the baby. The bird had to deal with the noise of the child and mom could not do what she wanted because of you being there.

Visiting people is nice but you have to remember that you are in someone else's home and they have planned for you to be there for a week or two at the most. The saying after 3 days family and fish begin to smell. It is true. My daughter hosted us for Christmas. I figured we would be gone by Monday. Somehow hubby stretched it out another day. Daughter actually asked dad when was he going to go home. Dad felt hurt. I had to explain to him that people in the new generation do not entertain older folks. He felt that she should accommodate his being there for another day or two and I told him no. We needed to leave and we did the next morning.

We all have our own lifestyles and you must honor them. So you over stayed your welcome and got your feelings hurt. Next time stay at a hotel or don't go. Send some photos and be done with it. Life is too short for so much drama.

the other S.

PS Apartments do get small especially if there are three extra people in a space for one. No one has privacy.

Good lord! A month!!! Yeah, I'm sorry, I love my family, and we live far from everyone (like, 20 hour far at the closest, not an afternoon drive far), but a month is hard! My in laws stayed with us for a month and the only saving grace was that they didn't feel entitled to change my routine or get in my way. I don't blame your mom. And you're only five hours away? Why would you go for so long???

I'm sorry, but I have to wonder why you are so insensitive to your mom. You keep posting about selfish things you do where she's involved and then can't figure out why she's mad. Seriously? You said you were going to go to a counselor. I hope you have - it's necessary.

A little leftover vacation is a month? And just after all these trouble with your coworkers you leave for a month? What is your stay at home husband doing? Did you all pile in your mother's apt for a month? Something doesn't sound right here.

A month is way too long! My parents were not good hands on grandparents. Its unfortunate and I'm sorry. However, I think that's often the case. They would be happy with an hr visit and pictures and that's it. I wouldn't go back there for a visit like that again. Stay at a hotel and plan for fun vacationing with short trips to grandmas. She is used to living alone in a small space and not having guest stress. So say, sorry mom, I've learned. Next time we will space ourselves out more. (Where you stay and how long your stay with her for)

I'm not sure how grandma can "miss" a child that is only 4 months old. There is a big difference between bragging about your grandchild and having her family invade her apartment.

I'll be honest, I get really freaked out when we have guests because I hate the mess they create.

WHY did you go? For heaven's sake, listen to Julie F, Marda, and everyone else.

No, it's not normal behavior. On the other hand, a month in your mom's home is too long for both of you.

To me it sounds like you have some work to do on pulling out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with your FOO (family of origin).

Your loyalty lies with your husband and child. If your mother's home is not a reasonably healthy, nurturing place to be - it's your responsibility to plan accordingly. I'm not saying that you can't have a relationship with your mom; I would just want it to be a little more arms-length if it were me in your shoes.

JMO.

PS: Have you considered working with a therapist?

Odd, I thought I replied to this.

Anyway, I agree with the others. Spend less time and stay in a hotel. Or spend only the day with her til your child becomes a functional human being. You say you're not spending $1K to stay in a hotel, but then you complain that you don't like the accommodations with your mom. I don't think I have any relative I could handle for a month. I do think you keep expecting your mom to magically be someone different and she's not. Accept that. Accept that you made choices that everyone else needs to deal with, but you can't just bully your way through the rest of your life effectively. There are consequences to actions. Please change your behavior and see your part in things so your child can have a chance a better relationship with your mom and a healthier perspective on people.

Please know that older people tend to get really set in their ways and if even one thing is out of place it's really really hard.

Go visit again but do not stay with her in any circumstances. Go to her house to pick her up, take her out to eat, go to a zoo, a park, a museum, take her to get groceries, buy an appliance she's been needing (Like a coffee pot or something) and then take her home and stay for a couple of hours then go to the hotel and go swimming, use the gym then the hot tub, spend the evening in jammies and lounging on the bed watching TV and eating popcorn. Go to a movie with the kiddo, take her to a park or lake or something.

It's your vacation too!

That bird would have been the last and final straw. There's no way I'd have enjoyed that.

It is the birds home so see mom outside her home for the majority of the visit.

I'm not sure why you wanted to stay with her a month.
3 days would have been enough.
Your Mom's in her own world and she likes it there.
She's not into the infant thing anymore.
She'd be happy enough with the photo ops but she just wants the image of being a grandma - she doesn't want to deal with anything hands on.
So - no - I wouldn't bother visiting anymore.
And it's totally irrelevant about anything fun never being planned in a hotel.
A hotel s a place to sleep and stay - you make your own plans for fun.

Move to Ireland! I would.

Yeah a month is way too long. Duh. I can't believe you don't know your own mother well enough to know how long would have been appropriate.
You BOTH sound incredibly young and immature.
I wish that baby of yours lots of luck, sounds like between the two of you she's going to need it :-(

Did you go visit my husband's grandparents? Because this all sounds very familiar! LOL

We go every year and I have learned to roll with it. HOWEVER, we stay for about 4-5 days (they are out of state and we take 2 days to get there). We also have started to stay at a hotel the past 2 times we visited. I don't understand it. I know that Great-Grandma really does love my kids, but she is SO set in her ways. We get the lips pressed together when there is a spill at dinner, the sighs when my young nephew goes continually in and out of the house (we time it so we are there with my BIL's family as well), the fussing about whether the kids will eat dinner at 5:00 if they have a snack at 3:00. Things are immediately swept up after dinner. The extra chairs must be removed from the table and put back by the wall until the next meal. Heaven forbid if I leave a water glass on the counter to use later (to try to avoid dirtying a million dishes I try to reuse it).

Look at it as you only have to deal with it a few times (or once) a year, take lots of pictures to remember the good parts and just try to be accommodating to her. It is her house and hopefully she will relax about it, but you may just need to play by her rules. You do want your child to know her grandma, so try to keep positive about it around her, too, especially as she gets older.

I've noticed that many people become very set in their ways when they get older. So yes, it's somewhat normal. Keep your visits shorter.