How Much Do You Think House Guests Should Adapt Themselves to the Family Sched?

I'd work out an arrangement, or rather and announcement that you'll be watching TV until at least 9pm a few nights a week or playing a card game together to enjoy some kid-free time with the grown-ups. I'd also consider moving the TV into the master bedroom or get a second TV, so you can relax after the kids go to bed. Sometimes you just want to veg.

I'd put a TV in your bedroom. After kiddo is in bed, grab a snack from the kitchen and go in your room with your husband and enjoy some quiet time there.

Best of luck!
C. Lee

ETA: I think you're missing some important points in this situation. So she comes from a misogynistic culture. Why are you judging her cultural norms? This woman lost her husband, her country, and her home...and you're trying to force your moral ideologies on her? No. Just stop.

Consider this: In the wake of the Feminist Movement, the USA has become a rather misandrist society. That is, the anti-male philosophy perpetuated by radical feminism. And it's NO BETTER than misogyny. So, while you're up there on your moral high ground, pointing a disapproving finger at misogyny and misongynist culture....MIL is down there wondering why you're okay with judging her entire LIFE, social and cultural norms. That's all she's ever known. She doesn't need to change, she needs to be loved and accepted.

Please, instead of trying to make this broad point, which isn't going to change the ways of an old woman, just try to get along with her as a person. She's a lonely human being who needs love. Give it to her and quit looking for her to fulfill your need of social justice.

She comes here to visit.
Every year.
This is how it is here.
Too bad.

This is not a palace.
We have different cultural norms here.

Now, about a year ago, my in-laws came to visit. From Europe.
They do not speak English.
I am not fluent in their language. I just speak a tad.
We used Google or a dictionary to communicate.
I was stuck at home with them, everyday. While my Husband was at work and my kids were at school.
But I did do things with them and for them. And whatever his Niece wanted to do.
But I also, did my daily chores/errands/appointments too. I can't put my life on hold, for 1 month. And we were not on vacation.
I cooked as I normally do.
Not any fancy European cuisine.
And... we ALSO paid for a lot of their... outings/souvenirs etc. They did not offer nor put out much of their own spending money for their travel things. Which was irksome. We are not, rich.
We had a room for them. Their own room.
I told them, and my Husband, that I and the kids, have our regular routines/schedules to do. EVERYDAY.
I am not a "tour guide" nor a maid.
Then, when my Husband is home and on the weekends, HE is on duty.
This was all discussed, prior to them coming over.
And my Husband told them.
Sure, I was gracious. But they were expected to be independent too.
I am not a bus. Nor a concierge.
So even if they were here for ONE month, it was mostly fine.
The kids had their regular bedtimes and routines.
If they were noisy after the kids went to bed, we asked them to use hushed voices. For example. The kids have school. They... are NOT on "vacation." And they have homework and responsibilities too.
And we also told them, that some areas/rooms were off limits. This... is our private, areas. ie: the bedroom and our play area downstairs.
We also told them they can't just walk in on us if we were having our own downtime. To "knock" first.

Your HUSBAND HAS TO TALK TO HIS MOM.
SHE cannot commandeer the home. Nor you. Nor your child etc.
Doing that, is UNgracious. It is rude.
I would be irked. Very much. If my in-laws did that.

Now per green card issues... how the heck does that mean her stay is extended????? Being here as a visitor, they get a visa. Not a "green card." You better check on immigration rules. This does not sound right.
Usually, visa or green card issues, does not result in a longer stay. But a shorter stay.
And since she is from another country, how the heck is she... supposed to correct her "green card" issues, from here? Is there a Diplomat/Consulate office in your town?

My daughter has a friend from India.
Every year, her grandparents come to visit from India.
They are from an affluent... tier in Indian society.
When they come here... they do not... act like your Mother In Law.
They stay here ALL summer. Or all winter.
They, are very gracious, nice, polite, and do not, act like royalty. Even if in their country, they live like kings.
We have met them, been to their home when they are here. And they are very, into adapting. To how things are in Hawaii.
And they, heed to their Daughter. My daughter's friend's Mom.
They do not take over, the home or act like a bump on a log.

When a guest is staying for THAT long... THEY have to, adapt.

We just had a visitor from out of town. From another, country. He was here for 1 month. He is like family. He comes every year. He has his own room. In NO way, does he ever intrude or expect things. He is independent. He is polite. He gets his own water glass. He is respectful.
He is, a proper, guest.
Family or friend, there is no reason for a "guest" to act like a nuisance. especially, when they are staying for SO long.
It is just rude.
Your HUSBAND, has to, talk to his Mom.
BECAUSE... she comes to visit you, EVERY YEAR.

Her green-card or whatever issue, is a huge problem.
Who gets that, settled?
Does your MIL do it?
Or she expects you/Husband to do that too?
If she is here illegally... well, can't you all get in trouble?

I would buy a tv for my bedroom and suck it up - hopefully not that much longer!
I would consider her behavior rude, but with the cultural differences, it might be acceptable? I don't know. At this point, I would try to continue to hold my tongue and get a tv in the bedroom to help cope........

you are being rather severely put out, but it's awkward for you because she's your MIL and she's from a totally different culture.
she should make more of an effort to accommodate you, especially for such a long visit. but you've got a rare case here where putting your foot down would probably cause more grief and stress, especially for your husband, than you sighing and biting the bullet would do.
hopefully at some point you can move to a bigger place. i'll bet she's way less aggravating when she's in her own guest room.
khairete
S.

She is not a house guest - she is family.
We make allowances for family because they are family.
Frankly, she sounds depressed. Read you SWH - she is a single widow in a culture extremely different from the one you were raised in. You do not need to "support a misogynistic culture" to show some simple empathy to your Mother in Law.
Move her into you son's room - give her some privacy and a space to call her own while she is with you. Your son can sleep on a pallet or an air mattress in our room - which will make it easier to "tend to my two year old, who wakes up coughing a lot". Your husband can sleep on the sofa on those nights his snoring keeps you up.
She is family. She is alone. Show her some compassion and basic human kindness.

Although I agree with what you think, you have a big cultural difference in play. As I am sure you know, in some families in India, the daughter-in-law is the mother-in-law's personal maid. So depending on his background, she may wonder why you are not waiting on her. I suggest you talk with your husband about your frustrations and ask him to help you figure out how to handle this. The cultural differences need to be respected both hers *and* yours.

Good luck!
e

eta: Jen!! What a great idea!!! I should have thought of that!!! We did that when we had people come visit us in Belgium!! DAH!!! Great idea!!
___________________________________

oooh man!! i do not envy you this situation!!!

Personally? I would get her an extended stay hotel room for her visits here. In my personal opinion, she is to amend to the HOUSE schedule, not hers.

I would be LIVID with my husband for coddling her like this. She can make the 12 hour plane trip, but she refuses to help? IF my husband does NOT want me to leave our child alone with HIS mother ???? He needs to have a sit down with her and say - ENOUGH, I love you mom - but you need to respect our home as well. PERIOD. If she can't do that - does she have other children in the area that she can stay with?

I know the extended stay is not cheap - but it might be worth your sanity!!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Honestly if it was me, out of respect for my mother/mother in law (because I believe we should all treat our MILs the same we would our own mothers) I would leave her be. If it was an issue for me to hang out in my bedroom after she retires then I would make arrangements to fix the issue, like having my toddler sleep in my room for the month so she could then use the toddlers room and you could then have your living room back. If my mother lived so far away I would be so grateful that she was able to come every year and spend time with myself and my children, even if she could not baby sit for me.

As a visitor, she ought to change a bit for you. However, if there are some cultural things, and she is set in her ways...will she? Probably not.

I think if I were you, I would give her YOUR bedroom. That way, you and hubby have the rest of the house to use, including the TV and kitchen, and she can just shut the door and go to bed.

***;) Talking about being inflexible, I think your SWH shows that maybe you and your MIL are butting heads and both being a bit unflexible. Why can't you give up your room? You seem to resent being banished to it, and if she's in there with the door shut, and your son is in HIS room, then it seems to me like the rest of the house would be a private little haven. It's still what I would do. ;) I certainly hope you figure it all out!

When my parents come to stay for a visit, they stay in a hotel. Maybe you could consider that instead?

i can only imagine what a pain in the a** this is!, but I will be devils advocate for awhile, fast forward 20 years, and imagine you not being able to see your little son but a short month once a year or so. Try to be patient with her. (I don't know if I could - so, i'm not judging you;) I would consider if possible bringing the TV into your bedroom! It is still your house and you NEED to unwind, I get that 100%. I mean, would you really want to kick back and watch bravo with her anyway?

drink alot of wine too! that always helps!

good luck honey, i feel your pain!

I have two suggestions.

First, put the tv in your room OR

turn on the tv while she's laying in bed. You said that to her the lack of privacy is no big deal. See if it really isn't a big deal by turning on the tv. If she balks, then yes, privacy is a big deal to her. If she doesn't, then watch tv or do whatever you want.

There is no good reason why someone who does nothing but lay around all day needs to be in bed by 8:00. I imagine she does that because she's bored. Think about it. She's in a foreign country; doesn't speak/understand the language; can't communicate with you or her grandchild for that matter. What is she to do? I'd go to bed ASAP as well just because there was nothing else for me to do!

Perhaps you could ask her to do some sort of crafting or something like that with you or just by herself - give the poor woman something to do!

If it were me I'd give her my son's bedroom. I'd find a mattress for her to sleep on (there are some pretty good blow up mattresses that come with a stand so they are elevated) if there was no normal sized bed in that room. I'd have my son set up his bed in our room. I would find out what kind of activities she likes to do. Or I'd take her out to see sights. Or I'd take her to a craft store to find something fun to make with her grandson. Rent some bollywood movies! Maybe she would like watching one - put it on right after dinner and see if she seems interested. :) My in-laws like to go to bed at 8 also...and then they get up super early...like 5am! We just adjust when they are here. Take grandma to all kid activities your son has. Have your husband do something with just her and your son one weekend day to give you a little break. Since you don't see her often, this is a time to try to get to know her better and you just have to suck it up and make adjustments to your life for the next month or so. Good luck!

Man, that sucks. I would have given her my bedroom, so I could have the rest of the house at night. Or, let her sleep in the kid's room. A month out of the year? I guess I'd suck it up and move things around a bit. If she were in a room, she could at least shut the door, have privacy, and you could do the things you want.

**I can understand where you are coming from. I struggle with people from other cultures, that refuse to adapt. I think it's incredibly rude. Maybe, it's a shortcoming of mine...but I can't help it. Also, if I were a guest somewhere, I would do whatever I could to make myself not be a burden. Some people just don't get that.

Give her your bedroom.

A MIL isn't just any guest, she is a MIL. I adapt to accommodate my in-laws when they come to visit, as long as it doesn't destroy my kids schedule. Mind you, they don't come for a month, just two weeks, but still. Give her your bedroom and then you can have your apartment back.

I read your question and your SWH. I'm curious to know what part of India your husband's family is from. I have many friends from Delhi, including my best friend, and they do not have any of the "old school" cultural problems like you're mentioning. The women have jobs, lead independent lives, can divorce without repercussion, etc. I am surprised to hear that your husband rejects the culture so much, as I feel like a lot has changed in recent years to make India much more modern in those areas.

Anyway, I realize you want privacy, but you are creating your own problem by refusing to give up your bedroom. If you're choosing to make her sleep in the living room, then you have to accept the fact that she is going to bed early and taking away your personal time. Believe me, I LOVE my time in the living room after the kids go to bed and can't imagine a month of being contained to the bedroom in the evening. I totally get how you feel about that. But I think the only solution is to give her your room. Then you can enjoy the peaceful evening in the living room and kitchen like you're used to and go to bed when you please.

One other possible solution is to move your son into your bedroom while she's visiting and give your mother in law your son's bedroom. Put your son to bed, she can go to sleep in the other bedroom, and you're free to have the rest of the house. When you're ready, go quietly into your own room and go to sleep. If your husband snores, he can go sleep on the couch.

I don't think she's going to change her ways to suit you, so you need to come up with a new solution.

I take it you are not Indian so you are the American wife trying to buck the system with your MIL. So it's not just about what WE think but the cultural norms your DH understands that most of us do not.

I think he needs to figure out what to say and do about it. Does he take any vacation days during this time? Does he help her out and take her places? If she doesn't want to leave because she's cold (our au pair was from Zambia and winter was really hard on her), then does that mean you have to stick around? I would work around her as much as possible and go do your thing. Is there enough room for her to crash with the kid so you can get your TV back? Or can you put up a screen where she can sleep behind it but you still get to watch TV? After a month of that I would be really irritated, too. It's hard when someone is in your space for a long duration. Does she do anything or is she expecting you to wait on her? If she knows you stay up later but does not care, see above about ways you can stay up til your bed time.

RE: Child care, my ILs are unable to do child care. My FIL was diagnosed with Parkinson's recently and MIL has had shoulder surgery. So they can't. But they're not bad people. If there are health factors, cut her slack there. Toddlers can be very draining, even for the parents.

I am also wondering about the validity of those "green card issues". That sounds like an immigration thing to me, not a visa for a stay and I've never heard of anyone being stuck here longer because of it. I would think they'd make her go home. So what's the deal on that?

That sounds like a nightmare. I don't think this can be answered in generalities because of cultural differences and age. This is a unique situation. I think that to keep from being a prisoner in your own home, I would change up the sleeping arrangements. Would a little inflatable bed fit in your sons room? Perhaps you put her in there since they share a bed time. Maybe she even has to wait until he is asleep before she climbs in, if her presence is a distraction for him to fall asleep. A twin size blow up bed does not take up much space and can be stored upright during the day. Or, buy a little inflatable toddler bed and put baby to bed in your room, grandma in baby's room, and you get your down time in the living room.
Aside from that, i think you are stuck.
We don't just marry our spouses, we marry the family too. This is part of your package deal. I don't envy you, but this is your lot.

---
per your update, get ear plugs to deal with husbands snoring, put kid in your room and grandma in kids room. Even if you've had a difficult sleeper before, two is a real turning point for sleep adaptability. Give it a try.

This is the toddler bed we use, our kids took to them like candy. http://www.amazon.com/The-Shrunks-Tuckaire-Toddler-
Inflatable/dp/B001EQ66WK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1362433176&sr=8-2&keywords=inflatable+bed+kids

Also the $20 inflatable twin mattress at K-mart is really comfortable.

There is more to marrying/dating outside of your culture than people want to realize. I am in an alternative lifestyle situation with a Filipina. We see things differently. She can spend 79.9% of her weekends with family (I will not/cannot). This brings up many little tiffs. She says I saw that early on and should have addressed it then (2004).

I know its not PC, but I read between the lines of your post and you are not very open to his heritage. You say, "he is not typical Indian thankfully"... That is NOT a compliment.

Well you can sit around and stew about the situation or you can make some changes in the sleeping arrangements. You will have to be inconveienced one way or another and that is all there is to it.
Just because your husband does not embrace his culture does not mean that he doesn't love his mother - show her some respect and make her feel comfortable.
Either, put her on an air mattress in your childs room with your child or move your child to your room while she is there. That way she will have a room to herself to sleep when she wants and you will have the family room to relax in at night.

Just to be clear, I am not saying that it is not an inconvenience, just that when you are married you have to deal with the in laws and out of respect for your husband you should try to show a little respect and kindness and yes inconvenience yourself for his elderly mother.

Book worm Mom-

Is there anway you can accentuate the positives? If she doesn't go out or help with childcare, does she perhaps sing songs, can you take her to a indian goods shop and have her teach you how to make some of hubs favorite dishes? does she have any interests or hobbies? Maybe you can make the most of her stay within her parameters.

I wouldn't be too pleased with the bedtime, and the lack of down time either, but since you are stuck with her, and there's no changing her, see if you can change yourself.

F. B.

I could not live like that. I would have grandma share a room with the two year old, then your husband could take the couch if he snores.

I suggest that this is the last time this arrangement is made. Cultural expectations or not, this is not working for your family at all! Time to sit down and tell her that its time to go. Arrange a hotel if she can fund it or get through the rest of the time she is here. But you need to set some groundrules for your home and if she is to stay again, needs to respect it. Otherwise she should stay elsewhere.

Is there a regular bed in your son's room? Or would you be OK having your son switch to a twin bed (my son did, mattress only to prevent rolling out too far.) If you already have this or are willing to do this, then have your son sleep in your room with you. Grandma in kids room till she goes. Hubby on couchbed since he snores and it's his mom? It's a short term solution, but may work. Heck, I sleep on the couch when my husband snores too loud :)

Ugg, that does suck. Can you move kiddo into your bedroom with you guys for the month? That way MIL can sleep in his room and you guys get the living room back.
If not, I would DEF move that TV from the living room to your bedroom so at least you can hang out in there after they go to bed.

Good luck!

She sounds like the MIL I never want to be. Can you start putting more of this on your husband? ie: start going out to see a movie sometimes and let him put your toddler to bed? Just get out of the house more. And I have to say in my passive aggressive way, I would make noise in the kitchen past 8 sometimes... :) I understand people getting old and feeble but it doesn't excuse outright selfishness. And can you put a TV in your bedroom?

ETA: make your husband buy you an ipad and you can watch TV on that in your room!

I don't know how you can respect your husband or his mother or claim to have cultural sensitivity when in the same breath you say that you don't support a misogynistic culture. That's THEIR culture and the way your MIL is behaving is NOT misogynistic... I think it's understandable considering she's spending extended visits in her son's home across an ocean in another woman's home in an entirely different culture and country.

So think about what she had to do to get there. Think about what she's having to tolerate in order to visit with her son, her daughter-in-law, and her grandchildren. She wouldn't be there if she didn't desperately love all of you. She's not living in your home as if she were living in her own. She's not trying to inconvenience you.

When you have guests in your home for an extended stay, it's not the guests who should accommodate. It's the hosts who should accommodate and make most of the compromises. A good guest won't take over and won't make demands, but I do think that your expectations are a bit much.

She's not going to blend into the background and simply make it easy for you to fall into your normal routine, and honestly it shouldn't be that way. It's up to you to get to know her better and engage her in conversations and activities and family time.

I get what your saying. I would just put the TV in your room. It's only a few weeks out of the year. Good luck!

I would not have someone stay with me weather it was family or not that was going to upset my family that drasticly. I have a co worker that has had a similar situation as you and I don't know how she does it. I would say give her your two year olds room and let them sleep in your room. And that way if your husband is snoring too much he can go in the living room but then you have free rane over the living room. Trust me I understand the husband snorning thing and deal with that myself but mine would be happy to sleep in the living room for my sanity.

My husband and I are from different cultures (neither of us Indian though). It is very difficult for me to visit my MIL or for her to visit us. When WE visit HER she expects us to change our daily lives to accommodate her culture. And when SHE visits US, she still expects us to change to accommodate her culture. I find it EXTREMELY difficult to swallow that I am always the one expected to change and she never is, regardless of who is hosting the visit. It used to just be annoying before we had kids but now that we have 2 preschoolers it is impossible.

You NEED to talk to your husband. You both need to agree with how to handle her visits. Whether you decide to try to make changes or leave things as they are, it will help immensely to know your husband is on your side and appreciates your point of view. It will also probably help you to hear his perspective. Making sure you are on the same team and support each other emotionally will make any sleeping arrangement/family guest situation easier to handle.

Just wondering if you can leave her alone with the baby AFTER he goes to sleep - not sure if he wakes up much? Maybe after baby goes to bed, you and your husband could go out once in a while for a few hours - catch a movie, etc.

I think that your husband needs to sit down in the living room while you put your child to bed and turn on the TV. When his mom says it's time to go to sleep, he should tell her that she can sleep, but he's watching TV. You sit in there with him and watch until you two want to go to bed.

Your husband needs to stand up to his mother. Ask him to do this for you both.

Your husband also needs to give her jobs to do in the house to get her up and moving. She needs some exercise. She doesn't need an education to fold clothes and wash dishes.

She is bored and has nothing in her life at all. That's why she lays around. I don't know what she does when at home in India, but it sounds like she is on "vacation". I'm sorry for her, but her circumstances shouldn't ruin your enjoyment of life.

Good luck,
Dawn

Under these circumstances your little one would find himself sharing a bedroom with mom and dad and grandma would find she has a bedroom all to herself.

You guys must make adjustments. You will go nuts if you don't find a way for her to have her own room. I'd go crazy on her if I couldn't have my down time and watch Castle!

Otherwise the Tv would be moved into my room and she would never get to watch it because my room would be off limits.

Of course you could just go buy another TV and put the bigger one in the bedroom while she's here.

Unfortunately, your situation has no solution unless your husband is willing to give his mother ultimatums which will either force her to adapt to your schedule, or stop visiting entirely. I seriously doubt he'd do it, so I think you're stuck.

Get a twin air mattress and put in your son's or daughter's room and she can sleep in the room with him or her at night. You have your living room back and your downtime.

People should do homework before they marry into a different ethnic culture (even if you are both American). Ask Nicole Brown Simpson. OJ should have stayed with his first wife. She would have known how to keep him grounded.

When I was a young girl, my mother would boot me out of my own bedroom and give MY bed to guests and I was forced to sleep on the couch in the living room, or the carpeted floor. I hated it and I swore I would never do that to my children. And, I would also never think of giving up my own bedroom for guests. The thing I believe about guests is that that to do have to adapt to the lifestyle that they are coming into. I have not had guests in my house for a very long time. Why? Because we are a family of 6, living in a three bedroom house. The baby sleeps in my room, with me and my husband, and guests who "think" about staying here in my house know that (1) are a busy family, (2) we are noisy and (3) we have limited space. A blow up mattress in the living room is the best we can do. Take it or leave it, that is how it is.

So, no, I don't blame you for not wanting to give up the bedrooms in your house. I feel badly for you that you are experiencing this. We had a guest stay with us after a major hurricane ruined part of her house and my husband invited this person into our home....for 30 days. It was torturous for me and she wasn't family. My thoughts? MIL needs to adapt to the American way, and the lifestyle which you live in your home. I know I would feel terrible if my stay was intrusive in any way.