Is This Normal Sibling Rivalry or Is It Something Bigger?

It's tough being the oldest. And nine is getting to be a hard age - he's not a little boy, but he's not a teenager. He probably DOES wish his little sister wasn't around - because (in his mind) his life would be SO much better without the pesky little brat taking mom and dad's time and attention away from him, and getting into his stuff, and just being a big pain. (Been there. Done that. I had a little sister, too. And I just KNEW my life would've been "perfect" if only my parents hadn't had her!)

I don't think it's very useful to feel sad and uncomfortable about how he feels. Many older siblings resent the younger ones. But you have to remember that children are selfish little monsters who have absolutely no life experience. So, you and I both know that his life would NOT be perfect if he was an only child but he's just not mature enough to understand this . . . and he won't be for a number of years.

I've noticed that my oldest starts getting really grumpy toward his little brothers periodically. And when we fall into that trap, it's like he can't do anything right and he's getting into trouble ALL the time. What we do to break the "bad cycle" is to make certain to spent some extra quality time with him. I'll take him to the movies. My husband will take him fishing. We'll bake a batch of brownies, etc. I try to do something with him every day, even if it's just reading a ten minute story. Just some one-on-one time to make sure he sees how special we think he is seems to do wonders for him.

I am a SAHM of six and I grew up with seven siblings so I'm familiar with the norms of sibling rivalry. It sounds like your son definitely has some built up resentments which happens. My oldest son probably had the hardest time adjusting to his little sister as did my older sister with me(we are the two oldest), I hear she threw me off my bouncy chair on top of a table when I was 3 mo. old!. It usually takes just until they are able to interract and see that they have a play mate, not just someone to compete for moms attention with. The more kids you have, the easier the adjustment is because they see they are part of a group allready, their used to sharing the parents' affection. Unfortunately, my sister and I still fight like cats and dogs, however, we can get along very well too, it's a bit like a rollar coaster. Do your children play well together sometimes or is it a constant battle? I would encourage them to have some together play time (with you involved). Have some one on one time with your son too so he knows you have a relationship with him that does not involve his sister and that will never change, talk with your son about the importance of siblings, they truely are friends for life, and that he has to keep an eye out for his sister, that's his job as big brother. I'm sure there is hope for their relationship since he is not acting out violently or using profane language towards her. It sounds like he has a big heart and that he just has to open it up to his little sister too. If he continues to push her away so much she may build up resentments which just make the situation worse though, that can follow into their adult lives. I don't think seeking professional help is a must but can be helpfull if your attempts at getting your son to willingly try to connect with her fail. Just like he is different at school, it sometimes can just be a different way of reacting to other adults. I have been trying to homeschool my 7 yr old and he just responds better to teachers at school (I'm just the mom, what do I know! is how I think he sees it). Well, good luck, I'm sure some sibling rivalry is completely normal just as long as they can get along sometimes too :)

Go out and get the book "Siblings without rivalry" today. It is so insightful as to why kids fight, how they view each other, their percieved role in the family, unfairness issues, and above all how to teach them good communication. I have a 10 yr old boy and 6 year old girl and they would just bicker and blame all day long-it made me so sad. This book has helped us a lot. they have been playing pretty well together lately and their communicate and problem solving has vastly improved.

You may need to be in the middle LESS often. It's hard to say without more information. When my kids were this age I would tell them to work it out. They had to work it out on their own or drive me CrAzY. It was one of those very non-chelant things and I would go on doing whatever. Of course they would have spontanious bouts of friendliness. And they seems to realy miss each other when the other spent the night somewhere else.
If you feel there is some deep issues you may want to visit a councilor. Even just a few visits would help you understand what is going on but I would have all of you go, not just your 9 yo. They dynamics between siblings can be realy facinating.

Hi KM,

I feel the same way about my older daughter and the way she is with my youngest. She's let on a few times about how she feels about her, and why, but when I've tried to actually talk with her about it, and tried to remedy the situation, she's closed up and refused to even try and work it out.

Our dynamic is such that my older two were 7 and 8 when the baby came along. Te youngest wasn't a suprise, but I think she was a bit of a intrusion, in their mind, despite that fact I tried to prepare them as best I could for her arrival. Add to that that I suffered severe PPD after her birth, and she was colicky for 5 months, and took up soooo much time and effort(not affection--I loved her, but I surely couldn't snuggle a screaming, squirming, unsoothable infant), and yes, they probably felt cheated growing up with her.

My oldest is 17 now, and will be headed out on her own soon, and I feel like I failed them both because it seems like she has no love for her sister. Maybe that will change someday, but she seems so bitter, resentful, and at best, indifferent towards her.

I know it's not because she just can't stand little kids. They aren't her favorite, but that isn't it. My youngest has a friend the same age(the friend is actually 8, my youngest is 9), and my daughter is wonderful with her. She talks to her, lets her go into her room, will take her to the playground(my daughter goes too, but she doesn't actually invite her), and the other day when we all went to the dog park, my oldest daughter walked with my youngest daughter's friend, while my daughter walked with my husband and I. It almost seems like she(oldest) makes a point to exclude her.

My son isn't too awfully loving towards her either, but it's night and day how he acts with her, and how my oldest daughter does. I'd say my son is pretty normal where the youngest is concerned, but she'd still like to be closer to him.

It's so incredibly sad, and I know the youngest one notices and is saddened too. She doesn't let on, but I know it hurts her.

I tried everything I knew how over the years, and nothing made it any better between the oldest and the youngest. I don't think it's normal sibling rivalry. I reference how my oldest is with my son, 17 mos. younger, and yes they fight, yes it gets ugly someties, but they are as thick as thieves, and spend much of their free time hanging out together. I wish I'd seen a family counselor when they were smaller so that they all would have been closer.

If you can, go at least a few times, or maybe seek some counseling at church, if you gattend. It might help shed some light on the situation, and help you to bring them closer. Don't wait until it's too late like I did.

I wish your family all the best, and I hope the kids come together soon.

K. W