Is This OK with You or Am I Being Too Strict?

I think it depends on who they are leaving them with. If you plan a playdate with the mom and the mom needs to run to the store real quick but the dad is there, then I don't see a big deal. If they leave the kids with a neighbor or someone you don't know, then I would not be ok with that.

1) NO. Unless it is the other parent.
2) I would STOP sending my kid over there for play dates
3) it does not matter how old the child is or not.

No -it is not ok-my children often times went to a friends house and were cared for by someone other than the mom or dad-like a relative or nanny-but it was understood beforehand.

No, it is not ok. You should know who is in charge and caring for your child. I think the age in which it no longer matters is the age at which you would feel comfortable leaving your child with no adult supervision.

ETA: As others have said, it would be ok with me if the other caregiver was a parent or grandparent who lived full time in the home.

I'd say your target is bulls eye dead on. I would be livid if I entrusted you with my child and you decided to leave the children in someone else's care without first asking my permission.

Obviously in an emergency situation another person would be warranted but I'd still expect a phone call saying " I had to take X to the dr/hospital, Y is there with the children." Leaving it up to me to decide if Y is acceptable or if I need to go retrieve my child. Honestly, in an emergency I would offer to go get all the children and bring them to my house to help alleviate stress from the other Mom, but you get my point.

I decide who is permitted to be alone with my child. No one else has the right to make or take that choice from me. My child would never be allowed over there again. Future playdates would be in my home.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

I think that if we send our kid to someone's house, we should assume that our child may be under the care/supervision of any adult who lives in the house, so if I made arrangements with the mom, I wouldn't expect a phone call if mom went out and left the kids with dad or a grandma who lived there. I wouldn't have been okay with my kids being left with a tween/teen sibling without my knowledge, or expect that the mom go out and leave my kid with a relative or friend who does not live in the household.

That would make me uncomfortable too, unless it was agreed upon ahead of time.

It's not OK especially if I don't know who the other parent is. If I entrust my child in a parent's care while they're playing together, I would not expect to know they are off with someone else without my knowledge or permission.

No, you're not off target.
What is that mom thinking?
I would not allow any more play dates over at her house.
That's scary. You have no idea who is going to be watching your child.
No age range. Period.

Edit: If you wanted to leave them w/a stranger, you would have left them
with the Santa ringing the bell outside the grocery store, right? Not okay that this mom has done this.

Well, since you use the word play-date...I assume the child is pretty young! I am not OK with this, no.

It depends on the situation. Did she have to go pick up someone from work and was just gone a few minutes? Did she go shopping for hours and leave them with just anyone she could find?

I think that if a mom trusts her own children for a person to watch then they are most likely able to watch your kids too. I also would ask her if she'd introduce you to the babysitter so you can find out how you feel about her. If you are okay with this person then you have an extra person that can watch your child if you want to go out with hubby.

I would ask this mom to please let me know if she is planning on leaving because you'd like the option of picking your child up instead.

Well, who is the "someone else?" Is it her spouse? If it's anyone other than the other mom's spouse then yes, I would have a serious issue with it.

I've always made it clear to the parent if the play date i was arranging was to be supervised by my husband, or my daughter instead of me. Even though the parents were people who knew my husband or daughter very well.

no, not ok. especially more than once. i'd say playdates are over.

It depends on who the child is being left with. A husband, an older child that can handle the situation, a mutual friend, fine.

A stranger that I have never met, unless an emergency or a 2 minute quick trip to the trash/mail, would not be okay with me..

Here's the thing. I don't allow my kids to go to anyone's house without me that I don't feel I can trust their judgement. So for me, I either trust that person or I don't.

Now does age matter, to me it does a little, if they are older, say 9 and up. I'm even more lax.

I think it's time for your child to find another playdate. If I am leaving my child with Parent A, that is whom I expect will care for my child. If parent A needs to be somewhere else for whatever reason, I expect to know about the change of guard so to speak, in advance and who is doing the caring. I'd pick up my child at the time they changed off....you know what I mean? I had a cluster of moms that were well known to each other when my youngest had her playdates. None of them were ever missing in action and if they had to be, it was another mom from the cluster that was caring for my daughter, so I had no problem. But if we are talking a stranger I don't know, I am not ok with that. Age range I stopped hovering at is just recently. My youngest is 15 and as she is a teenager, I trust her to be with her friends with some supervision. There is always an adult in the homes she visits, (most of the moms we know are doulas, have stay at home moms, etc) but now, they come in and out of the house, they go to the mall, movies. Little by little, you allow them to fly.

If my kids are going for a playdate they are there for a playdate, not to be cared for by anyone. As long as someone is home who is either an adult or of babysitting age I am fine with it. As Mom2many stated, I wouldn't allow my child to go someones home if I had reason not to trust their judgment. I will often leave the house to get groceries etc and leave the kids and their friends with my husband.

No, that is not ok. That happened to me once and my child never had a play date over that child's house again. My daughter could only have play dates with her at our house after that.

Unless there is a life or death emergency, absolutely not! I entrust my children to very few people and should be given the opportunity to pick them up if the person I left them with cannot stay.

Not cool.
I wouldn't do that without getting the go ahead from the other parent(s).

I do not think it would be too strict, regardless of age.
We leave our children in the care of those we know and trust. It would be one thing if the playdate family was inviting your child with the caveat that the nanny or another caregiver would be the one watching the kids. Then you would have prior knowledge and could make a decision to ask about that person and consent, or schedule for another time.

Kind of like-- when my son is twelve (years from now) and goes to Joey's house for a sleepover-- if Joey's parents want to go out and leave the boys with one of their older kids or a sitter, I would want to know who was in charge.

If you child and this other kid are good buddies, then yes, bring it up. I'd ask every single time: are you going to watch the kids yourself, or were you planning on using a sitter or other person? I'd ask since she doesn't seem to be forthcoming.

My guess is that if you don't bring it up each time, she won't as it doesn't seem to be a big deal to her.

I haven't read the other responses except one...I agree with Mommyc. If I leave my child in an adult's care (playdate, family member, or otherwise) it is NOT ok for that adult to delegate the care of my child to anyone else without first checking with me.

The exception would be an true emergency (in which I expect someone to notify me as soon as reasonably possible) or if it is another adult that lives in the home (such as husband/wife of original care provider, other child's grandparent or relative).

I have encountered this problem with my inlaws...I wouldn't have cared except they didn't ask. When I showed up to get my child I was told I had to wait because he was with Uncle Rich. He was left w/ MIL but she left him w/ BIL who was going to MIL's home later so she allowed him to stay. I also know they do this with the other grandchildren and/or other kids in the family and they see nothing wrong with it (like it's their call who to leave someone else's child with). It's always with another family member or close family friend but I HATE it...that's part of why my daughter doesn't get left with them except a short amount of time.

No. If a child is in my care, then she is in MY care and to drop her off somewhere else without the permission of the parents is wrong. It's one thing if the kids go next door to play with a mutual friend (as happened when SD was older, like 5th grade + but we knew the parents of the other girl and SD was usually instructed to call if she left friend 1's house) but my DD is 4 and she needs to stay where I put her. I would not allow playdates at a home where I was never sure where my child actually was, or who she was with. And even in the home, leaving the kids with my husband is one thing but someone unknown? No. So if it's just trading out with the father, I wouldn't worry. But a friend of hers, yes. She shouldn't host if the kids are too little to be alone and she can't be there.

ETA: Then I would tell your kid that they play in your home for a while. Your child might like their big house, but if you cannot count on the parents monitoring movies (I have a friend whose kindergartener can quote 300...) or letting you know what their real plans are, then I wouldn't let her go.

No, not off target. Just stop accepting playdates with ths particular mother. She has no respect for you, quite honestly. When she asks why you keep saying no, tell her why.

Dawn

I consider myself fairly lenient and go with the flow, but I would not be ok with that.

More details please. How old is the child? Exactly who has she been left with and how well do you know the original family?

We have friends I trust so much that anyone they felt was appropriate to watch the kids I would trust their judgement. Other people we know I wouldn't even trust them to watch my kids at a young age.

Sounds like you're uncomfortable so doesn't really matter what we think. Have a chat with the parent.

not ok with me... if the mom is supposed to be home, then (for me), she had better be home. I would be really mad if I found out that the parents left someone else in charge and I wasn't aware. But my kids are only 2 and 5 so I haven't had that yet.

If my son goes to a house for a play date, the adult I leave them with is the adult that stays - unless otherwise agreed upon. If I drop off with Mom and Dad is there when I pick up, I still expect Mom to be there unless she called and said I have to run to the store my husband's here fyi. Now, I also say "are you the only one that will be there ?" when making arrangements to get a feel for the house. I also am around for the first play date or two and would expect any other parent to be the same until we are both comfortable with the households/parenting skills or styles.

When you add, "I have a problem here and I know it, I am just struggling with the dealing with it," you are downgrading your own concerns, as if you're backing off your original concern and anger. It's as if you're apologizing, saying you and not this other mom has the problem.

Don't do that!

You have every right to feel as you do. I agree with you. You need to know what adult is present with your child and in charge of your child, period. Not to tell you that neither parent would be present was wrong, even if grandma was there. You are exactly right that you might have been fine with grandma being the adult there -- but they should have asked you !

And frankly for me the ONE instance of the "very inappropriate movie" would have ended play dates on their turf, period.

Why apologize for having your standards for who cares for your child and what your child sees? Don't apologize. Have the other child to your house instead. If your child complains that "their house is bigger, they have more stuff" -- well, too bad. Stick to your guns. Have play dates with other friends too, so that this does not loom large in your child's mind.

i guess i need more details. if the supervising mom has someone helping her out, and that someone is in charge of what your kid is doing at any given time, i'd be fine with it. if the mom went to the grocery store and left her 13 year old in charge, i'd be less than pleased.
but if she had a fairly extended phone call to take, and left the kids in charge of her mom, that would be okay.
what are the circumstances?
khairete
S.

No, it's not okay. Unless I know and trust the other party and unless I am notified that that party is going to caring for my child, then it's absolutely not okay.

I don't care if the child is 6 or 16. You put the care of your child into someone else's hands and if they don't ask or let you know ahead of time then that's a huge no no, in my opinion. I don't go for that. Once it happens once I would have a talk with that person as it's not to happen again. If it happens again then that's the end of that. I find it disrespectful, no matter how good of friends you are. If something happens when they're not there they are still at fault.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

No you are not off target at all. Maybe your child shouldn't be playing with this child. I'd be pretty upset if this happen especially more than once. Unless something came up that was a kind of energency and she couldn't call right away, I would think something is not right. Seems like she isn't giving any importance to you or your child.