Issues with the Husband! Going Crazy!

ask him what kind of husband he wants to be. Let him answer.
ask him what kind of dad he wants to be. Let him answer.

Then ask him if he thinks that's the kind of husband and father he is. See what he thinks. He may want to be involved and not know how. He may not realize how his absenteeism affects you. He may be fine with you doing all the work. He may be lazy. He may be overwhelmed.

Ask him what he thinks you should be and do as a mother to his children.... what is you "role". Ask him what he wants from a wife. His answers will be telling. Don't interrupt. Don't cry. Don't become angry. Let him figure out for himself that he is not doing all of his job.

If he doesn't..... THEN you have some decisions to make on what you will do. But FIRST you must listen to him.

He sounds like a lazy parent and addicted to gaming. My husband can be lazy at times and he does like to be on the computer more than I'd like him to. We made the rule that he gives the kids baths every other night. He puts our son to bed and I put our daughter to bed. He is in charge of dinner once a week (It should be more but I am staying at home now so it is easier this way). He helps our son with homework and takes him to cub scout meetings. It would make me mad too...what your husband is doing. Can you find some good articles to read stating the importance dad spending quality time with kids/daughters? Talk to him about your feelings when he is feeling receptive. Ask him if you can set a special "game time" for him on certain days and ask if the other days he be more engaged with the kids, play games, give bath, wrestle, cook dinner, whatever. I'm so sorry. That sounds like it sucks.

This is not uncommon for your age group, not uncommon at all.
The games are addictive.
You really have to slap someone back to reality once in awhile.
I know my dil had trouble with my son for a while. They discussed tho and now have reached common ground on when is "his time" and when is "family time".

I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too. It sounds like you are trying to praise all that he does in providing for your family, and that is important. But it's not everything as you are well aware.

I think the phone gaming, etc, is no joke. I've seen my sister lay on the couch playing on the phone while her kiddos run wild. I know my husband, and my daughter for that matter, would be on their phones non stop if I let them. We went to Hawaii over the summer, and I told them both they were to give up their phones for the whole week, I did not intend to spend a week walking around with them starting at the stupid things. It was crazy how hard it was for them to be without them. Like withdrawal or something, seriously. They were cranky and testy for an entire day. But then they both admitted that it was nice to not have that attached to them, but that it was hard to break the habit. I tell you this because I really think it is similar to an addiction, or at least a bad habit.

You need to negotiate with your husband for phone time. Let him know you realize he likes to play some games, and you don't want to take that away, but you'd like 1-2-3? hours of phone free time for you and the girls' sake. Don't treat him like a child and just demand that he give it up. Ask how long he is willing to be without it and when (with your input of course) and then stick to it. Have him put his phone away- out of sight. Hopefully this helps. It's at least a start to let you know how big of an issue this is, it either improves with this or you have a bigger problem on your hands. I wish you luck.

I don't blame you for calling the phone stupid. You are venting here (better here than yelling at him) and you go right on calling the phone stupid to us.

I agree with WindyCityMom. Talk to him. If he won't talk, then tell him that you want to go to marriage counseling. If he won't, then go yourself. You need to work this out somehow.

And you go right on calling the phone stupid to us.

Dawn

Agree with you about the annoyance of electronics! My husband sometimes gets carried away with his computer time.

After working 10-12 hours, my husband comes home and wants to decompress. I completely understand that, but the kids are only awake maybe two hours after he's home and then they are in bed.

I have sat with him and had a serious conversation about how while I understand that he wants some downtime when he gets home, his kids need his attention as well. He just needs to give them two hours and then he can do whatever he wants. They go to bed at 7:30!

I remind him that we only have them for 18 years and then they move on to their own lives. That often helps because our oldest is nearly 7. His time with them is short and while I know he can be tired, he needs to accept his responsibility as a parent and suck it up.

I don't nag. I simply state the obvious and leave it up to him. I also have a "no electronics" at the dinner table rule. Phones are on vibrate.

Unfortunately, your husband is the only one who can change his behavior. You, however, can encourage him to do the right thing.

My husband works hard--and works a LOT.
Mine is tired. A lot. Lol
Your husband sounds tired.
How about some ground rules for the phone?
Only after the kids are I. Bed--for half an hour or something?
Maybe if you really talked to him and have him an account t of how much time he's whittling away with the phone, he'll agree?
ANY chance of sleep apnea?
Sure he worked more before the kids, but once you have kids, you're schedule is not your own...no naps, up early, etc.

Sorry to hear you are facing this. The phone is probably just an affectation of a man who is checking out of your relationship and of parenting. If it weren't the phone, it might be the tv, the newspaper, or just staring at the walls.

I suggest you start with Windy City's suggestions. Counseling might be in order.

My hubs was temporarily inseperable from his new i-phone. within a week the novelty wore off. upon coming home, he would quickly check his mail, then turn it off and put it to charge and be as fully engaged with us as he could be that day (given his tiredness, long hours, lack of sleep etc).

Glad he came round. That week though was tough to stomach.

Best to you and yours,
F. B.

You use the term "STUPID" a lot. It seems like he's the major bread winner in the family and works many hours. You are not getting all the help you need with the kids. You are not getting the attention you want from your husband and feel that he is not giving your children the attention they need as well. Would it be possible to hire some help with the kids, so you will be able to spend more quality time with your husband? Then he might be able to spend more quality time with the kids?

STUPID is a very demeaning term and I can't help but wonder if you have been calling your husband stupid.